Shawn: Shawn Spencer. Tony’s friend from the last time he came to town and got kidnapped.
Shawn: Kudos on the Asian Lori Petty look.
Tina (Liz Lapira): Congratulations on the skinny Chaz Bono look.
Shawn: Thank you very much. {to Gus} Was that a compliment?
Gus: No.
Shawn: You guys are trying to protect me from the fact that I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a gigantic plastic bubble. Just like the movie I’m writing.
Gus: They’ve already made two bubble movies, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah, but mine’s gonna star Jake Gyllenhaal.
Juliet: How’s Deacon doing?
Doctor: Well luckily the bullet went straight through and missed hitting any vital organs. But he’s lost a lot of blood. These next two days are going to be crucial.
Shawn: Thank you, Doctor.
Gus: Any ideas on Deacon’s shooter?
Lassiter: No. All we know is that he went back to the green room after the fundraiser and a single shot was fired.
Gus: We want nothing more than to bust this low-life.
Shawn: But my incapacitation means that my psychic powers are down temporarily, fellas. I’m afraid Gus and I are going to have to sit this one out. This case is going to have to go unsolved.
Henry: You do know that Gus and those guys are going to go investigate this case without you.
Shawn: Man, I know.
Lassiter: Guster, it is bad enough that I’m forced to work with Spencer week after week, but I am sure as heck not going to discuss police strategy with you and The Pips.
Marlowe (Kristy Swanson): I’m just thinking about how lucky I am to have a boyfriend that’s so committed to our relationship and working on getting me an early release.
Lassiter: Marlowe, I would move heaven and earth to be with you. Just as long as that movement is in accordance with the state laws of California.
Marlowe: Get your hands off me, screws!
Drake (Mekhi Phifer): Damn, Jail Girl. You fine.
Lassiter: You watch your mouth, Barry White. That’s my lady.
Drake: Oh come on. I mean at some point he’s gotta run out of black artist references, right?
Gus: There’s a lot of them.
Shawn: Are you in a women’s prison?
Tony (Jaleel White): Fellahs, I don’t like how this is looking. Us, alone in the woods, tracking a would-be killer. This is not African American.
Drake: I was thinking the same thing. You know, Black guys in movies never make it out of these situations alive.
Shawn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Drake. LL Cool J survived Michael Myers, great white sharks and Queen Latifah.
Drake: Wait a minute, Holiday wasn’t a horror movie.
Shawn: It wasn’t?
Drake: No.
Shawn: Oh man, I didn’t get that movie at all.
Gus: Will you two stop it. The three of us are not going to die.
Shawn: Gus is right. Only one of you is. And it’ll probably be Drake.
Gus: I know.
Gus: We know you’ve been skimming from Deacon’s charity.
Shawn: We also know Deacon found out and to keep him quiet you shot him!
Tina: You don’t know anything, guy-on-the-screen-I-think-I-met-once.
Gus: Don’t make me mute you, Shawn.
Deacon Jones (Cheech Marin): The only way Chuy would let these young kids out of the gang is if I paid him to do it. So yes, I took money from my own charity. Technically it’s against the law. But I did it to save these young kids. And that’s why people donated money in the first place.
Shawn: I am sensing that Chuy is big into body art. Right? I can see one of his tattoos still in progress. I can’t be sure. It’s either a Burmese tiger or Sandra Bernhardt sitting on a sparkler.
Tony: We have to confront the bad guys.
Gus: I know.
Gus: I have no idea how this happened.
Juliet: Wait, didn’t the same thing happen to Tony and Drake last year?
Gus: No! That was Tony and Joon.
Shawn: Gus. What happened? What are all those police cars doing there?
Gus: I can’t look at you, Shawn. I’m too ashamed.
Shawn: Don’t you turn your face away— Don’t you dare go Elephant Man on me.
Gus: Fine! I got Tony and Drake kidnapped, Shawn.
Shawn: What do you mean, like last time?
Juliet: Pretty much.
Gus: We need to get inside Chuy’s headquarters and find some clues now.
Lassiter: Well luckily I’m wearing my probable cause door-kicking shoes.
Shawn: Gus, don’t hide. You have to do something.
Gus: That’s easy for you to say. Those aren’t iBullets whizzing by.
Shawn: Gus, would you be a man! Be a man! {aside} Nurse, I would like a little more of that Jello please.
Shawn: Look around. You’re in a hospital, Jimmy. Think this through. You can’t just be shooting dudes.
Jimmy: Some orderly’s going to get in big trouble for accidentally giving you too much morphine.
Shawn: Really? Is it Prince Markie Dee from The Fat Boys?
Lassiter: Let’s hope Spencer’s hunch about Tina pays off.
Gus: Something about it isn’t sitting right with me. Didn’t it seem odd to you guys that Shawn was so sure?
Lassiter: When have Spencer’s hunches not seemed odd?
Juliet: We just thought he felt really strongly about this one.
Gus: No, I know Shawn. The stronger he feels about something the sillier he’ll act. He’ll make an obscure analogy or, if anything, he’ll say he’s two hundred percent sure, knowing good and well that I’ll correct him. Because that’s impossible. But this time he said he was one hundred percent sure. It’s too simple. Plus he would never refer to us as Blackapella.
Shawn: You okay?
Deacon: I’m on the banana sled with you.
Shawn: Feel the peel, baby. Feel the peel.
Juliet: Why did the morphine not affect you?
Shawn: Luckily my dad refused to pay for any kind of pain medication after twenty-four hours. That’s just glucose.