Shawn: Make sure you water my plants thrice daily, but do not talk to them. Because once they get started they will not stop. Especially Jim.
Gus: Jim’s the ficus?
Shawn: He is indeed.
Shawn: Read my thoughts.
Gus: I don’t know how to do that.
Shawn: Yes you do. Ready?
Gus: Fine. Waffles!
Shawn: My god, it’s crazy. That’s exactly what I was thinking. It was just a test. Ready?
Gus: Still waffles.
Shawn: Dammit! One more time.
Juliet: Why are you gazing into each other’s eyes?
Shawn: We’re not… doing that. It’s just a routine forehead check. Reciprocated.
Shawn: Look, Jules, I know you have very definite expectations for this weekend.
Juliet: What do you mean?
Shawn: Well you sent me an email on the fifth saying, “Shawn, I have very definite expectations for this weekend.”
Juliet: Right. To which you responded, “Slumber party. Nudie times. Drinky drinky.”
Shawn: That’s my out of office reply.
Lassiter: Do what I do. Put your laundry outside and blast the place with Right Guard.
Gus: Your girlfriend’s gonna wish she stayed in prison. Don’t you usually see her on Saturdays?
Lassiter: Yeah, but she got thrown in solitary for dry gulching a homegirl in the chow line. She sure hates cutsies.
Juliet: We’re going to have fun, relax and most importantly, no work. For two whole days I am not a cop and you are not a psychic.
Shawn: Come on, you know I can’t just turn it off like that.
Juliet: Okay. Just… {she does the temple thing} none of this.
Shawn: Gus. This is my fifth message. I’m all out of aliases. It’s Shawn. I need to talk to you.
I did say, “seat saved.” Do you remember me saying, “Seat saved.”?
Shawn: Why are you inviting strange couples into our vacation?
Juliet: Because that is what adult couples do. They make vacation friends.
Shawn: Why do we need new friends? I have Gus. You have… whoever your friends are.
Juliet: What’s your damage, Spencer?
Shawn: What is my damage? I’m gone five minutes and all the sudden we’re swingers? What is this, The Ice Storm? Who are those people?
Juliet: They’re just people!
Shawn: That’s the worst kind.
Lassiter: I’ll tell ya, if I weren’t in a serious and meaningful relationship, I could be doing all sorts of damage up in this hizzie. Am I saying that right? “Hizzie.”?
Lassiter: Don’t get me wrong, Guster, you have a certain sort of charm about you. But I’m a classic. I never go out of style. I’m like pleated pants.
Henry: Listen. I’m as young on the inside as these kids are on the outside.
Gus: Yeah, but when you were that young on the outside, this was all farm land.
Clive Noble (Jason Priestley): We have a very simple life philosophy.
Barbie Noble (Jennifer Finnigan): We trust our instincts. If we feel like it, we do it. And then we usually have to call the fire department.
Clive: Baby, you look ravishing this evening.
Shawn: Baby, all your facial parts are in the right spots.
Juliet: Thanks, Shawn.
Clive: She gets migraines. Horrible, horrible migraines. Yeah, the room starts spinning. Down is up, up is down. Left is always left, though.
Shawn: Stop saying that the resort is sorry for our loss. The resort is a building. Unless it is Monster House or the Overlook Hotel, I am not impressed. Neither is my lady friend.
Shawn: Have you contacted Interpol?
Hotel Manager: Feel free to take your bathrobes with you. A two hundred dollar value.
Shawn: Dude. Like we weren’t going to take those anyway.
Shawn: I need Clive Noble’s room, please.
Hotel Manager: There’s no one by that name registered at the resort.
Shawn: The tennis is off.
Henry: Are you kidding me. Neither of you thought to bring a vegetable.
Lassiter: This is a man’s weekend, not a rotary luncheon.
Shawn: So I admit I was seduced by delicious flavor. I am just a man, Jules!
Juliet: You’re acting like a child, Shawn.
Shawn: I am not acting!
Gus: Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you’ve paid for on my credit card.
Shawn: How are my plants?
Henry: Don’t you think I’m a little old for you?
Chelsea (Arden Myrin): No, I like old men. Especially the balding virile type. You know. Terry Bradshaw… Shawn Connery. Oo. Dick Cheney.
Gus: Chelsea, it was pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai to kill my best friend in the world.
Lassiter: And I need to help him bury the body.
Henry crawls into the backseat
Lassiter: You’re an idiot.
Jerry Kincaid (Tony Hale): I had to walk five miles. First it was cloudy, then it was blazing hot.
Shawn: That explains your face.
Jerry: Is it obvious?
Shawn: It looks like spam.
Lassiter: Who are Clive and Barbie?
Shawn: Clive and Barbie are cold-blooded murderers who lie and make tennis dates they have no intention of keeping. And… they have my Nintendo.
Henry: You see my generation embraced a long forgotten value called respect. {beat} I just hope she got the text.
Gus: You never ever tell a crazy woman where you are.
Shawn: You guys lied to us! You made us believe that you really liked us as people!
Juliet: And they killed someone.
Clive: Come again?
Shawn: Oh, that’s true also, but it’s the lying— It’s the lying that’s really hurtful.
Barbie: Well of all the people we’ve robbed, we liked you the best.
Clive: It’s true. She went on and on about it the whole time we were rifling through your stuff.
Barbie: We are dirty thieves but we are basically nice people. And we are totally against animal cruelty.
Clive: And illegal downloading. Piracy makes me sick!
Shawn: You guys are horrible people, but you’re so cool.
DePalma: He’s not the first person to die during a tasting, you know.
Shawn: Is it often that people are shot in the gut and dumped in a barrel?
DePalma: No. That, that was new.
DePalma: Would you buy wine from a Goldberg Vineyards? No.
Shawn: Maybe a spritzer.
DePalma: That Texan was my ticket out. He coulda put a picture of his ass on the box for all I care.
Shawn: That I’d buy. {to Juliet} Curiosity.
Housekeeping: You could have just asked me to open the door, you know. Instead of pulling your gun on me.
Lassiter: Sorry. It’s force of habit.
Housekeeping: Jerk.
Lassiter: That’s fair.
Shawn: As we’ve learned this weekend, Jules, people are not always what they seem to be. Except on reality TV. We’re all the Real Housewives of somewhere.
Shawn: …Jerry loses his Schlitz. That’s a thing, right?
Juliet: Pretty sure that’s malt liquor.
Gus: I think after this weekend, I can go without seeing you guys for awhile.
Lassiter and Henry: Agreed!
Filipe: Should we head back now?
Shawn: No, Filipe, I do believe we’d like to take the long way home.
Juliet: You didn’t think that when I said definite expectations that I meant… ?
Shawn: No. No no no. Of course not. That would mean I’m a complete moron.
Gus: We take our handheld entertainment very seriously.
Security: Well that’s your business.