Present Day
Shawn: Alright, I’m in. Describe the item.
Gus: Really? You’ve forgotten already?
Shawn: I’m sorry. I thought I was busy James Bonding it up in here, Gus.
Gus: It’s a Star Wars toy, Shawn. Easy as that. We went through this. Twice.
Gus: Are you playing with the toys?
Shawn: Dude, this kid has Mattel Electronics Football 2. The one where you can throw passes. {to the game} Suck it, hyphen.
Gus: What happened?
Shawn: You want the good news or the bad news?
Gus: What do you think?
Shawn: “I am not your mother!”
Gus: He didn’t say that, Shawn. What’s the bad news?
Shawn: Drive!
Lassiter: Name.
Juliet: Juliet. {Lassiter eyes her} O’Hara.
Lassiter: Hm. No sign of deception. Truth.
Juliet: See? It’s working fine. Let’s go.
Lassiter: One more question, one more question. Are you… what’s a good question… I don’t know. Are you currently dating anyone? Answer any time you like. Hm. I see you’re experiencing some stress.
Juliet: I don’t see what this has to do with anything.
Lassiter: Just a control question. You and I both know you’re not dating anyone, right? So simple answer truthfully and we’ll know the machine is working properly. Like you say it is. Unless of course you are dating somebody and you don’t want to tell anybody.
Juliet: What are you getting at?
Lassiter: Nothing. I’m simply testing a potentially defective piece of machinery, and since partners don’t lie or keep secrets from each other because we put our lives in each other’s hands, I’m asking a question I believe I know the answer to: are you currently or have you ever been in a relationship with anyone at the station.
Juliet: Well see that’s a different question.
Lassiter: Answer either one. I’m flexible.
Shawn: I’m seeing a woman!
Lassiter: Really? Can you tell me her name? Or is it a secret?
Shawn: A dead woman.
Lassiter: Great job, Spencer. You had a vision at a diplomat’s house. Next time why don’t you try to get us into North Korea. It’ll be easier.
Shawn: So they just bust out immunity and that’s it?
Gus: They just did.
Shawn: Awesome. Put that on my bucket list.
Gus: Before or after invisible plane?
Juliet: Well?
Lassiter: Well what?
Juliet: Well don’t you think you owe me an apology?
Lassiter: You know what? You’re right? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for expecting a little bit of honesty out of you.
Juliet: Ugh. We’re still on that?
Lassiter: Still on what?
Shawn: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Juliet: Okay, fine. I am seeing Shawn. We have been dating for awhile. We kept it from you. Does that make you happy?
Lassiter: Happy’s not the word. I think we need to see the chief.
Juliet: Oh, okay, so now you want to tell on us?
Lassiter: Actually, O’Hara, I think we need to see the chief about getting me a new partner. One I can trust.
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): What I do want is for you to work out whatever silliness is going on between you two.
Chief Vick: This case was brought to our attention by perhaps the most impressive bit of premonition yet from Mr. Spencer here. He not only knew the address, but the initial location, the jewelry that the victim was wearing, and also that the party punch was a little bit skunky. So, Mr. Spencer, strong work.
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): My son needs my help. I think he bit off a bit too much this time.
Woody (Kurt Fuller): You don’t have to tell me. I know Gus well.
Henry: Shawn.
Woody: Him too. Never thought of them as brothers though. Bit of a game changer.
Shawn: Wait. Can’t. Don’t think immunity works in the wrong direction.
Gus: You stole a key from a kid?
Shawn: Come on, Gus, that was no kid. That was the product of centuries of inbreeding.
Ambassador Fanshawe (Malcolm McDowell): I’d like to hire you.
Gus: You can’t do that.
Fanshawe: Why?
Gus: We think you did it.
Shawn: Do not.
Gus: Did before.
Shawn: Dude, that was like half an hour ago.
Fanshawe: Annabeth was trying to contact me the night of the party.
Gus: Did she say what she wanted?
Fanshawe: Only that it was about the case and that it was urgent. She sent me a cryptic text. Here. {hands the phone to Gus} “The witnesses were right.”
Gus: Right about what? She’d just proven they were wrong.
Fanshawe: Where are you getting your accents from?
Shawn: I don’t know, the usual places, I guess. Peter Pan. Geico gecko. Phineas and Ferb’s granddad.
Fanshawe: Is there any of them that don’t come from animated characters?
Shawn: Not really. Does Russell Brand count?
Shawn: We also have evidence that Annabeth York had new evidence regarding this case.
Lassiter: We do?
Shawn: I didn’t tell you that? Yeah. Yeah, I divined that she was killed because she was very close to identifying the murderer.
Lassiter: Thanks for sharing, Spencer. Man, you really put the “me” in team.
Shawn: Look, I’m strongly sensing it’s not her.
Juliet: Her DNA was all over the body.
Lassiter: And she immediately invoked immunity.
Shawn: You’d use it if you could get it. It’s more addictive than little crack nuggets.
Gus: And House Hunters International.
Gus: That woman wears loyalty like a micro-miniskirt.
Shawn: What?
Shawn: We just wanted to talk to you, Dude.
Colin Hennessey: Then why were you shouting “I’ll shoot you repeatedly in the skull when I catch you”?
Gus: That was me. I was going to shoot him.
Lassiter: Forty-seven violations and you never made it into a car. Solid work, Spencer.
Lassiter: One more question.
Shawn: If it’ll make you happy.
Lassiter: I think it will. Are you psychic?
Shawn: Excuse me?
Lassiter: Are you—Shawn Spencer—psychic?
Henry: You’re gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.
Lassiter: I’ve known you for six years, Spencer. I know your little act. You do your little dance, you beat polygraph machines. You always manage to guess the right culprit after missing the first four or five times. You whip that hair around and fall over every reasonable girl that Guster hasn’t unsuccessfully hit on already. And now, you’ve made your way to O’Hara.
Shawn: What? Oh come on, it’s not like that.
Lassiter: When I first met you, you outted my relationship with my former partner. Who I really liked by the way. Got her transferred. That doesn’t matter now. My point is: if you don’t treat O’Hara with the respect she deserves or if you hurt her in any way I will discharge my pistol.
Shawn: You’re saying you’ll shoot me.
Lassiter: Repeatedly. {the lie detector concurs}
1991
Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): The answer is… No.
Henry: Wrong again. Shawn, I knew you were lying. You have to believe the lie. Don’t sweat it. Feel your heart.
Young Shawn: Dad, this feels a little unethical.
Henry: Trust me, Shawn, there will come a day—unfortunately—when this might be necessary. Perhaps you’ll be working undercover. Though most likely not. Now answer the questions again. But this time, first, breathe.
Young Shawn: “No.”
Henry: Perfect.