1987
Henry: Listen to me, you think your fans came out here to see you jump?
Young Shawn: Yeah.
Henry: They came out here to see you crack your head open. Which basically makes you no different than the kid in class who can shoot milk out of his eye.
Young Shawn: You think I can be as popular as him?
Present Day
Gus: I can’t believe you did this, Shawn.
Shawn: Clearly you’re unaware that some churros have more nutrients than carrots. Twelve more of these, I’ll have my RDA of riboflavin.
Gus: No, I mean accepted tickets to some ridiculous tractor pull as payment for a case.
Shawn: Gus, when your clients are carny folk it’s this, or twenty rides on a rusty tilt-o-whirl. And I remember the last time you got on one of those.
Shawn: I can’t believe it, dude. It’s Dutch the Clutch.
Gus: What, you know that guy?
Shawn: You don’t remember Dutch the Clutch? He was on That’s Incredible once when we were kids. And he jumped Springfield gorge!
Gus: That was Homer Simpson.
Gus: That was insane.
Shawn: No. That was attempted murder. {he takes a dramatic bite}
Juliet: So?
Lassiter: So what?
Juliet: Your date Friday night. Details. What happened?
Lassiter: Well we ordered the crab cakes and she went to the bathroom and didn’t come back. So either it went badly or she’s still in the bathroom.
Juliet: You told the dead clown story, didn’t you?
Lassiter: What? That was a funny story.
Juliet: Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death, not so much.
Lewis (Brian Gross): I brought us the two new die hards you asked for.
Dutch the Clutch (Jeff Fahey): Man, already?
Shawn: Actually I’m Die Hard. He’s Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew but they aren’t nearly as good as us.
Dutch: Well how the hell’d you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.
Gus: Excuse me. What happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well we can’t talk about it. For legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said it ain’t decapitation if the head don’t come off all the way.
Dutch: What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?
Shawn: We eat at Taco John’s with some frequency. So that puts us right there on the edge.
Dutch: Can’t nobody tell me I can’t do anything no more.
Gus: That’s gotta be the worst English I’ve ever heard.
Shawn: It might be harder to keep this guy alive than I thought.
Gus: These release the employer from any liability in case the stunt tester is torn to shreds. Stunt tester? Is that what we’re doing? Are you crazy?
Shawn: Trust me and be cool.
Gus: This one is in case we’re accidentally chewed to death by a malfunctioning robot? Oh, hell no.
Shawn: Relax, you’ll be fine.
Gus: “Debone”… “Killed and rekilled”. How does that even work?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be an old sponge with hair hanging off it. I’m all over this case.
Gus: “Mimed to death”?
Shawn: It’s clearly a typo. They meant maimed. Nobody can be killed by Marcel Marceau.
Gus: Marcel Marceau is dead.
Shawn: See, there’s nothing to worry about.
Shawn: Dude, he’s running. International sign of guilt!
Gus: You’re guilty of attempted patricide!
Shawn: And: you tried to kill your own dad.
Lewis: I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I’d hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?
Shawn: The kind that loves bees. And historical novels.
Lewis: You know what it’s like to have your father tell you not to follow in his footsteps?
Shawn: I wish.
Gus: You must be out of your damn mind!
Red: Well we had to see how fire retardant these suits were.
Gus: You didn’t know that before you tried to set us on fire?
Red: That’s what you’re getting paid for.
Shawn: Dutch, someone tampered with that gliding suit, the spirits are sure of it.
Dutch: That diving suit tore ’cause I bought it during the gliding suit boom in 1977. And that fall wouldn’t have killed me! Damn, one time I jumped out of a blimp, five hundred feet in the sky. Had a heart attack on the way down. Two hours later I was eating a BLT in a Red Robin. True story.
Gus: So Red’s not the bad guy. He wouldn’t smuggle in drugs to help Dutch and then turn around and kill him.
Shawn: This is bizarre. Why kill someone if he’s already dying?
Gus: That begs the question: who knows he’s dying.
Shawn: We have to come up with something soon or he’s a goner. We need to know who stands to gain from Dutch’s death and for that we need his will.
Gus: But Lewis said there was no will.
Shawn: He doesn’t know his dad’s dying, Gus. If you were dying of cancer, would you have a will?
Gus: Are you kidding? I’ve had my estate planner on speed dial ever since we started this stupid business. Do you know how many times I’ve had a gun shoved in my face because of you?
Shawn: Three?
Gus: Wrong answer.
Gus: Is that his will?
Shawn: It’s just as good.
Life insurance policy?
Gus: That doesn’t make any sense.
Shawn: Tell me about it. {beat} Dude, seriously. Tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.
Gus: You never could understand legalese.
Shawn: Oh really? Remind me who it was that set up our Psych 401(K).
Gus: Oh, you mean our 601(K)s? Because India doesn’t have 401(k).
Shawn: It’s a growth economy, Gus. We’ve already made like five hundred rupees.
Dutch: What the hell are you doing here? I thought I fired your ass.
Shawn: I just came to apologize to you, Dutch.
Dutch: For what?
Shawn: I was wrong about you. All this time I thought you were the kid who shot milk out of his eye. You know, willing to do just about anything for attention regardless of how it affects the people around you. But that’s not the case, is it?
Dutch: Son, I’m getting tired of the sound of your gums flappin’.
Shawn: You’re all about family. Aren’t you, Dutch? You love them more than life. That’s why you’ve been trying to kill yourself. I sensed dark clouds above you. You’re terminally ill. I’m sorry man. It must be so scary knowing that you’re going to die especially when you’re all that your family has.
Shawn: Look, this is your last stunt for a while and that’s my fault. If this disease hits you before your next show, your family gets nothing. So I’m sure whatever your method is tonight, it’s foolproof.
Dutch: What are you gonna do now?
Shawn: Nothing. I’m not going to try and stop you. And I will not say anything if you go through with it. You have my word.
Shawn: Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn’t take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don’t know this yet, but all he wants in the world is to be more like you. You go to your son or your wife—or anyone else on your crew for that matter—and you ask them which they’d rather have. Six more months with you. Or a million dollars. You know damn well what they’ll answer and they don’t have to think about it for a second.
Dutch: Is that right?
Shawn: True story.
Dutch: You’re wrong. I was the kid in class who shot milk out of his eye. And I was damn good at it.