1987
Young Shawn: You’ll never believe it. I know what I’m going to be when I grow up. A fireman!
Henry: I never would have guessed. What exactly brought this on?
Young Shawn: Fireman Paul. He came to our school. He is so totally rad.
Henry: Fireman Paul? Did he happen to be sober?
Henry: You do not want to be a fireman.
Young Shawn: What? Why not?
Henry: Because you want to be a cop. What do you think I’ve been teaching you all these years?
Young Shawn: But being a fireman is the coolest!
Henry: Being a fireman is not cooler than being a cop.
Young Shawn: But they have cooler uniforms, cooler trucks and cooler sirens. They even get to carry axes.
Henry: Axes! I get to carry a gun. A real gun with real bullets. I get to shoot bad guys. I’m like Dirty Harry. Can you even name a famous fireman?
Young Shawn: Smokey the Bear?
Henry: First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he’s not real. Number three, he’s a bear! He takes his poops in the woods. Is that what you want?
Present Day
Chief Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
Shawn: Irrelevant! And immaterial.
Lassiter: Chief, you’re not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
Chief Vick: If Mr. Spencer—
Shawn: He is making a mockery of these proceedings! All I am saying is that she is making a very compelling argument.
Morgan Conrad: You’re an idiot.
Shawn: That’s less compelling. Move to strike.
Conrad: In case you missed it, Detective, this is my “I told you so” face.
Shawn: Which is kind of hard to distinguish from your “I thought this was going to be a new episode of Law & Order but turns out it’s a repeat” face.
Lassiter: A dead body changes things.
Shawn: That’s his email signature.
Shawn: The first thing an arson inspector looks for is the point of origin.
Gus: Okay. How in the world do you know that?
Shawn: I rode the Backdraft ride at Universal Studios like seventy times.
Gus: Shawn, you can’t base a whole theory on a movie.
Shawn: There’s a movie?
Fire Chief Dan Trombly (Bruce McGill): What is this, Halloween?
Shawn: Why, you got some candy?
Shawn: I accidentally mixed up Fire Chief Dan’s phone with mine. They’re similar shapes and my hand was in his pocket.
Gus: You stole his phone?
Shawn: He was throwing us out. Gus, I plead the Third.
Gus: The Third Amendment is no soldier can live in a house against their will. You mean the Fifth.
Shawn: Eh, I’ve heard it both ways.
Gus: What other ways have you heard it?
Lambert: Wait, are you a fairy?
Shawn: Hardly. I’ve seen Little Darlings like elevent times. But I am a male Wiccan.
Lambert: You’re not Wiccan.
Shawn: I’m level eight, Jack. I’d be level nine if it wasn’t for my season allergies.
Henry: I warned you, Shawn. Firefighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off the role.
Shawn: And you succeeded, Dad. In every conceivable way.
Henry: Gus, your parents lied to you. We do it sometimes to protect our kids. Your bird bit the big one. Sorry, pal.
Shawn: Yeah. Not all pets can live on a special wheat farm like my rabbit.
Henry: That’s right son.