1988
Henry: Hey. How about a big hello for your old man you haven’t seen in a week.
Shawn: Hi, Old Man. Can we go now?
Henry: You two didn’t team up for the pinata contest this year, did you?
Shawn: No. He ditched me for golden boy Jason Cunningham who wins ever year. And I got stuck with the kid who wore the jacket the entire week. {to the kid} It’s a million degrees out. Why don’t you go live on Hoth, you freak!
Gus: Where’s your clown pinata?
Shawn: It’s not a clown. And wouldn’t you like to know.
Present Day
Annie watching a scary movie: That’s what you get for being a harlot, thank you very much.
Shawn: Dude, I’m telling you, you cannot add lettuce. It completely takes you out of the burrito.
Gus: You don’t seem to mind if a taco has lettuce.
Shawn: ‘Cause everyoe knows the taco has assimilated, Gus. The burrito remains authentic. It’s the Rollie Fingers of Mexican cuisine.
Shawn seeing the hanged pinata: Oh my god.
Gus: What the— Isn’t that your…
Shawn: Yeah yeah. It’s my Rick Astley pinata. I think it’s dead.
Gus: Rick Astley? That’s what that thing is supposed to be?
Shawn: Oh come on. You sound like the judges. Look at it! It’s painfully obvious, even now.
Gus: It looks more like Ann Margaret.
Shawn: What?
Jason Cunningham (Mackenzie Astin): I had it narrowed down to Eric Stoltz or Boris Becker.
Shawn: I don’t say this very often, but it sounds like one for the proper authorities.
Jason: Are you kidding? I call the cops and the press gets ahold of this, they’ll go crazy.
Chief Vick: Can I help you, Detective?
Lassiter: Just thought I would brighten the place up a bit.
Chief Vick: Wow. What a wonderful sentiment for you to buy these for me.
Lassiter: Actually I bought four just to have options, but these were by far and away the worst ones. They must be poisonous. I trid to give them to the lady down in fingerprinting, but it turns out she’s a man. From birth.
Lassiter: Here. You can choose between these two. They didn’t make the cut either. Be careful though, one of them’s expired.
Chief Vick: Um. May I ask what brought on this generosity?
Lassiter: Yes, you may. I have a very special dinner date this evening with my estranged wife.
Chief Vick: You’re reconciling?
Lassiter: Things have been pretty good between us lately. We’ve been friendly.
Irwin the Janitor: You’re all doomed!
Shawn: Alright, we’re outta here.
Gus: Shawn, stop it. He’s kidding. Look at him.
Shawn: Yeah. Clearly. He has a folksy sense of humor. The Garrison Keillor of Tikihama. Turn around before we get stabbed.
Gus: Is Jason around? We’re old friends of his.
Clive: I think he’s inside trying to figure out What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Turns out it was a flesh-eating virus.
Shawn: Oh, I get it. You’re the funny guy.
Gus: Jason! We made it.
Shawn: What the hell happened to him?
Gus: He’s fine.
Shawn: Those are nurse’s shoes.
Gus: They’re probably very comfortable.
Shawn: They’re both left feet.
Maître d’: may I help you sir?
Lassiter: I certainly hope so. I have a reservation under Carlton Lassiter and spouse.
Maître d’: Your reservation is for 7 pm.
Lassiter: That’s right.
Maître d’: It’s 5:20.
Lassiter: I’m a peace officer. I’m practiced in surveillance. I can remain motionless for eight hours if need be.
Maître d’: The bar is also open if you’d prefer to sit.
Lassiter: Oh! That’s good too.
Lassiter: Victoria!
Victoria (Justine Bateman): I was kinda nervous so I got here early.
Lassiter: Me too.
Juliet: Hello? Shawn?
Shawn: Jules. Wow. You made really good time.
Juliet: Shawn, are you hiding in that closet?
Shawn: No. No, I’m not. That’s a negative.
Jason: Who’s she?
Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: One of Santa Barbara’s finest. Both literally and figuratively.
Jason: Judas!
Shawn: Pardon me?
Jason: No cops! You gave me your word, Spencer. You ruined it.
Jason: You destroyed me! Iago! {he storms out}
Shawn: What does the parrot from Aladdin have to do with it?
Gus: You must be out of your mind if you think for one second I’m going out there. I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that when a brother goes out to the woods, he doesn’t even sorta come back. {Clive laughs and Gus glares at him}
Clive: Sorry.
Shawn: LL Cool J made it all the way through Deep Blue Sea.
Gus: That was in the water, Shawn. With sharks. And Sam Jackson’s ass still got swallowed whole.
Juliet: I don’t like this Shawn.
Shawn: Well, your hands are a little bit tied, aren’t they? Plus when you showed up I was hiding in a closet so I figure I’m due to man up. If I’m not back in exactly four minutes please go looking for me. But really start giving it some serious thought after two. And if you think that there’s anything even slightly amiss after forty-five seconds, you’re the leader here.
Shawn: This isn’t Friday the 13th. It’s April Fools Day. Same formula, but with a killer twist ending. {he unmasks Jason}
Shawn: So history repeats itself. You two are my least favorite tag team of all time.
Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table?
Shawn: Wow. You had to make that reference.
Lassiter: Here is something from a guy with nothing to protect. Heart on his sleeve and …
Victoria: Oh my god.
Lassiter: Don’t say anything. Just put it on, it is long overdue.
Victoria: This is… it’s just too much.
Lassiter: Well, I’ve been working some overtime lately, and sold some confiscated items on Craigslist. And of course that stimulus check, that certainly helped.
Victoria: There’s been a big mistake.
Lassiter: What? Did I do something?
Victoria: No, it’s me. I think, um… I think that I was not very clear about my intentions when I said that I needed to meet you.
Lassiter: What are these?
Victoria: That’s our divorce papers.
Billy: I guess this kills the game of strip cribbage I was trying to start.
Juliet: Can’t you do better than vibes?
Shawn: Jeff Goldblum and Cyndi Lauper couldn’t.
Juliet about the body: No touching, Shawn.
Shawn: Didn’t need to be said.
Shawn: Boy. Billy. I will give you everything in Gus’ wallet if you’ll put your pants back on.
Gus: Dude. Please cover your junk.
Victoria: You know this has been coming for a long time.
Lassiter: Honestly. Let’s just skip this part. I signed ’em while you were in the bathroom.
Victoria: Really? Two years ago you would have thrown them in the fire.
Lassiter: Two years ago I would have lit them on fire and thrown them back in your purse.
Victoria: I will never stop loving you. Not completely.
Lassiter: Goodbye, Victoria.
Victoria: Goodbye, Carlton.
Juliet: Shawn, what’s going on?
Shawn: I think we have a very serious problem.
Jason: This is a disaster. I hire a psycho to work in my murder camp. What are the odds?
Clive: You see the man that died her twenty years ago was my father.
Shawn: Of course he was.
Gus: Shawn! What are you doing here?
Shawn: I came in here to save you!
Gus: I beat him already!
Shawn: Well I can see that now!
Gus: Here! Take this.
Shawn: This is a pool skimmer.
Gus: There’s not a lot of options here, Shawn.
Shawn: I just wanted to say thank you for shooting that wack job psycho killer in the hand.
Juliet: My pleasure.