1987
Henry: Come on, boys. Sit up. Napkins in laps. Now listen, we don’t get to go out very often. So I want you to order something special. Harbor Grill is one of the nicest restaurants in Santa Barbara.
Young Gus: I’m gonna have nachos!
Newly-engaged guy is checking out the hostess
Young Shawn: By the way, they’re not gonna make it.
Present Day
Gus: Hey. I swore I saw that guy earlier.
Shawn: Oh yeah yeah. He’s been following us all day. I’d say the worst PI ever. Check this out.
Gus: What the! No. He followed me into the bathroom? That’s my sanctuary.
Shawn: I know.
Gus: What do you want from us?
Mace Rhoden: I was hired to find you. By your wife.
Shawn: One more time: piece of criticism. You haven’t mastered the investigative part either. Neither of us are married.
Shawn: This guy, talking about one of us being married. Can you even imagine that? Why aren’t you laughing? Why aren’t you laughing? Oh my god! You were married?
Shawn: I can’t believe you were married! Bachelor party is tainted. I didn’t get to give my brilliant speech that I’ve been planning since we were seventh graders.
Gus: You have not. You have a book of speeches?
Shawn: I wrote those a long time ago.
Gus: You already wrote my eulogy?
Shawn: I don’t remember that.
Gus: “Gus is survived by his best friend Shawn Spencer and twelve cats.”
Shawn: Dude, sky diving’s one thing, but how did she get you to marry her?
Gus: Three words. Three little words.
Mira Gaffney (Kerry Washington): Let’s try goldschlager.
Gus: And four hours later…
Shawn: Oh my god. And your best man was a goat? I was supposed to be that goat.
Gus: Shawn, we’re on me now.
Lassiter: Chief, did someone score higher than me on the detective’s exam?
Chief Vick: I believe O’Hara did.
Shawn: Gus, I remember the plan. This isn’t it.
Gus: I’m in trouble.
Shawn: Alright, just be cool. And make your armpits stop sweating.
Shawn: So how long have you been working here?
Mira: Oh no no no. This is my family’s place. We have three wineries. This one, a new one in Napa and then there’s the one in Spain. Which of course I can’t go to because I punched a bull in Pamplona.
Mira: This is Gus.
David Gaffney (Obba Babatundé): Ah. Oh yes. Guster. So this is the young man that tricked you into marrying him, huh?
Mira: Yeah.
Mr. Gaffney: Typical. Mira, I need to speak to you. Gentlemen, only the first glass is free.
Stacy about Henry: Is he with you?
Shawn: Oh yeah, he’s fine. I just won him in a bet.
Shawn: I’ve often heard that’s he best way to savor wine. Just skip over the taste buds and go right for the gullet.
Phylis Gaffney (Telma Hopkins): I swear, if I have to deal with another tourist today my head is going to explode.
Mrs. Gaffney: You know, Shawn, I have very fine tastes. And I like my wine like I like my men. White and hairy.
Shawn: That didn’t make any sense. None. Whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness.
Shawn: Brace yourself. Jan doesn’t actually exist.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Fact! There is no record of a Jan Englund, buyer of fine wines and food, on the internet anywhere. I did find a Jeff Englund. He’s an albino with a website dedicated to Short Circuit.
Gus: You put us on the email list?
Shawn: That’s a given.
Gus: Shawn, I’ve been there before when it comes to Mira. He’s telling the truth.
Shawn: Yeah. But he’s definitely lying.
Mira: He cheated on me and then he lied to me about missing the wedding and now he’s dead!
Gus: I know exactly how you feel.
Mira: Really?
Gus: Well, no.
Shawn: The wedding was merely a cover. So that Mira’s father would shut down the winery for a day. Jan intended to leave Mira at the altar while Mace broke into Gaffney’s cellar to steal his priceless wine collection and skip.
Juliet: But there was no robbery at the winery and Jan didn’t skip town, he came back.
Shawn: He had a change of heart.
Juliet: Oh, don’t tell me.
Shawn: There’s something about Mira. Jan was telling the truth and lying at the same time.