Romeo and Juliet and Juliet
1990
Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): Okay, I’m warning you guys. Gus knows karate.
Young Gus (Carlos McCullers II) : Um, I don’t know karate.
Young Shawn: Yes you do. You studied Wushu.
Young Gus: That’s Chinese.
Young Shawn: Dude, trust me. Karate sounds more intimidating.
Young Gus: I’ve only had two lessons.
Young Shawn: That’s two more lessons than they’ve had.
Present Day
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): You do it.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): You do it.
Shawn: I don’t fire people well. You know that.
Gus: You wanted the assistant.
Shawn: I wanted a girl.
Gus: He’s the only one that would take the job, Shawn.
Shawn: What does that say about us?
Chief Vick: I don’t remember calling you, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Didn’t have to, Chief. It called me.
Gus: Called collect.
Shawn: That’s right. Which is odd, because I’m also on Twitter and the cases usually tweet me.
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): Are you familiar with the term “persona non grata”?
Shawn: Why are we talking about food?
Henry: Shawn, there’s a reason they created the position I’m in! You burned a lot of bridges around here, you’ve made a lot of sloppy mistakes. You’re going to have to earn your way back. Things are going to be different now.
Shawn: That is so unfair.
Henry: Is it?
Shawn: Yeah. My results speak for themselves. You just hold me to a different standard.
Henry: I do not.
Shawn: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
Henry: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
Shawn: Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered with bricks and broken glass.
Henry: That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you.
Shawn: It took me three weeks to close the egg investigation. I was eight.
Henry: Yeah well, just so you know, there’s still two eggs you haven’t found.
Shawn: You’re sick.
Gus: Well? What happened?
Shawn: Two things. One, we’re getting him fired. Two, we’re on the case.
Gus: After all that you convinced him to hire us?
Shawn: Define convinced.
Shawn: Buzz! Have you searched the kidnapped girl’s apartment?
Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Ah, they just finished.
Shawn: Great. We’ll need that address.
Buzz: Oh! You guys got hired on the case.
Shawn: Define hired.
Shawn: Look, I know the whole Ying thing was difficult. For everybody. But at this point it just feels like you’re hiding here at this… giant post office.
Gus: It’s City Hall, Shawn.
Shawn: We have a City Hall?
Juliet: I just need a little time. And I am perfectly content staying off this case.
Shawn: Oh my god, we’re on the same page. You were trying to lure her out of this dungeon by using details from this case.
Carlton Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): I am not.
Shawn: See, it’s not just me. You’re concerned abut her insisting on staying down here. The unreturned phone calls and the ever-so-slight darkening of the hair.
Lassiter: I hadn’t noticed.
Gus: I like it.
Shawn: We need information.
Ken (Jerry Shea): Woah, wait. You guys aren’t here to pay me for my last day.
Shawn: I believe I did pay you.
Gus: We didn’t pay him anything.
Shawn: We paid him in gratitude and life lessons.
Ken: You guys think that ’cause I’m Asian I’m supposed to know all this stuff? That’s borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? Oh, I hardly think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.
Gus: We have been following this guy forever. If he is a Triad, he’s the most boring gang member of all time. I think Ken gave us a fake lead to pay you back for asking him for a loan.
Shawn: A short term loan, Gus. With interest.
Gus: The interest was life lessons, Shawn.
Gus: Shawn if something illegal’s going down there’s opportunity to call Lassiter and let him get shot. Golden Triads cut off heads.
Shawn: One at a time. Which technically means we have four opportunities.
Shawn: We lost him!
Gus: He’s right behind us.
Shawn: I’m talking about the guy we’re chasing.
Gus: I’m talking about the guy chasing us.
Shawn: Gus, my spiritual senses are out of control. I can’t believe I didn’t turn to Eastern culture earlier.
Gus: Shawn, we got lucky because we hid like little girls.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the Ten Tigers of Canton.
Feet Don’t Kill Me Now
1990
Young Shawn: Hey Gus. What are you doing?
Young Gus: Just playing… board grass.
Young Shawn: Gus, let me see what’s behind your back. {he shows him} Tap shoes? Are you kidding me?
Young Gus: Shawn, I like tap dancing. In fact, I’m pretty good at it. When people pick on me I just pull out that tap board and show them who’s bad.
Young Shawn: Dude. All your permanent teeth are in, okay? You’re playing for keeps now.
Young Gus: You should try it. It’s cool.
Present Day
Lassiter: Spencer, keep your pie hole shut until I assess the crime scene.
Shawn: Nothing shuts my pie hole but pie.
Lassiter: Spencer, stop wasting my time. You know how this works. You want in, you make a case to your father who’s done nothing but say no to you since he was made head on consultants. Thank god. {he walks off}
Shawn: I’d be lying if I said I like having to ask my dad for case assignments. And I’d also be be lying if I said Val Kilmer still looks like Val Kilmer.
Gus: I still have hope.
Shawn: Me too.
Gus: Are you saying that I can’t solve a case without you?
Shawn: No, I’m not saying that.
Gus: Because if we’ve learned anything over these years it’s that you really can’t do it without me.
Shawn: First of all, we haven’t learned anything over the years.
Shawn: You missing a murder weapon? You can take the knife out of my back.
Gus: How did you find me, Shawn?
Shawn: I installed GPS parental controls on your phone.
Gus: Is that why it keeps beeping.
Shawn: It also tells me if you use your credit card to buy condoms, liquor or glue.
Lassiter: What are you doing here, Spencer? We already interviewed the tehnician.
Shawn: If Gus is allowed to show off his expertise then I’m allowed to show off mine.
Lassiter: Spencer, we don’t have time to watch you make a snowman out of mashed potatoes.
Shawn: Gus, get with the times. It’s 2008.
Gus: It’s 2010.
Shawn: Ha! That would me we’re at war with the machines.
Juliet: Whoever said work was supposed to be fun?
Shawn: Ron Jeremy for starters.
Juliet: I’m sorry, Shawn, but it’s over.
Shawn: I understand. It was fun while it lasted.
Juliet: No, it wasn’t.
Shawn: We made a great team.
Juliet: No, we didn’t. It was a disaster.
Woody: I’d be honored to saw through your chest and remove your good-natured heart from its cavity.
Shawn: I’m touched.
Shawn: How come you’re allowed to say, “bingo.” and I’m not.
Gus: The same reason you’re not allowed to say, “true dat.”
Shawn: True that.
Gus: Exactly.
Shawn: Watch it and feel it.
Lassiter: I refuse to watch it and I’m sure as hell not going to feel it.
Shawn: I’m calling an audible.
Lassiter: Spencer, am I cuffing Charlotte the Harlot or what?
Shawn: No. Sorry. {to Charlotte} You and I are back on dirty.
Not Even Close… Encounters
1990
Present Day
Chivalry Is Not Dead… But Someone Is
Lassiter: Spencer, we don’t need your particular brand of theatrics here this evening. Go home and go back to bed.
Shawn: Lassie, are you kidding me? The death of this man is like staring my own mortality in the face. If someone’s out there killing handsome and youthful bachelors in Santa Barbara, then all of us are in danger. Maybe not all of us. Certainly Gus and myself.
Henry: What if we let them work together. Separately—but together.
Shawn: That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.
Gus: Am I the only person that’s freaked out he’s been sitting there this whole time?
Henry: You’re not afraid of a competition, are you Shawn?
Shawn: Of course not. As long as it doesn’t involve people trying to best each other.
Lassiter: Well I’m up for it. Matter of fact, I’ve already won.
Gus: How’s your feet?
Shawn: I can’t feel them.
Gus: Sweet.
Shawn: Wait. Gus! I need you to be my legs.
Clive Prescott (John Michael Higgins): Ask yourself the question: what is the picture that you’re painting of yourself.
Shawn: What is this thing, Fight Club for butlers?
Clive Prescott: For instance, what do these two, ah, boys do wrong?
Shawn: Ah, there must be some sort of mistake. We’re not students. I’m psychic detective Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Chaz Bono.
Clive Prescott: Psychic detective. Gentlemen, this is just what I’m talking about. If you’re going to create a fake profession at least make it sound real.
Prescott: May I ask you a personal question?
Shawn: Sure.
Prescott: Have you ever been tested for idiocy?
Gus: Can you tell us about Lance Tolkin?
Prescott: Can I, meaning do I have the neurological or verbal ability to do so?
Gus: Sorry. Will you?
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.
Prescott: Maybe on a farm you have.
Shawn: I think my dad is starting to like me.
Shawn: Look at that, Gus. He’s literally taking her to the bank.
Gus: What’s the next stop? The cleaners?
Gus: Shawn, is this about your ego and trying to prove you have more game than this guy?
Shawn: Gus, I couldn’t be more offended. {beat} That would be a nice bonus.
Gus: You’re on your own.
Shawn: You just pushed my competitive button and now it’s on.
Prescott: I would be frightened. If you were wearing any buttons.
Shawn: Gus, I see a bright light. I think I should go towards it.
Gus: Okay, stop playing, Shawn.
Shawn: I’m going. Take care of my Great Dane, Lothar.
Gus: You don’t have a Great Dane, Shawn.
Shawn: Get a Great Dane, name him Lothar.
Gus: Okay, what are you talking about?
Shawn: I was poisoned, buddy. I’m sure of it. But I know who killed me! Remember: it was Prescott who killed me. {he collapses}
Shawn: You mean I’m not going to die?
Doctor: Well maybe from all the tapioca pudding and raisins in your stomach.
Prescott: My understanding is that you were barely poisoned.
Shawn: Why do people keep qualifying that?
Shawn: Gus, come on. A little decorum?
Gus: What? You just accused him of death by stingray.
Gus: Shouldn’t the case with an older woman killing people be less athletic?
Shawn: Hang in there, buddy! Think about the cucumber finger sandwiches waiting for us up top!
Shawn: You know, my best friend Burton Guster said that we can all afford to be a little more gentlemanly in life and you know what? He was dead wrong about that.
Prescott: Wow.
Shawn: But I’ll tell you what I can see. The way I think is the right way to do things is not the only way.
Prescott: It’s barely a way at all.
Shawn: Well it’s my way.
Prescott: Not a real way.
Shawn: It’s the way I approach something. It qualifies as a way.
Prescott: But it’s not a very good way.
Shawn: Clive, I think you should settle down.
Prescott: Fine.
Shawn: We can all afford to grow up a bit. Even me.
Prescott: Especially you.
Shawn: The truth is, I want to change. I need to change.
Prescott: You got that right.
Shawn: I want my father, on his death bed—four or five years from now—to look at me and say, “That! That is the man that I raised!” And I want him to be pointing at some other guy. Because that means that maybe, just maybe, I am not his biological son.
Shawn and Gus In Drag (Racing)
1990
Young Shawn: I can’t reach the brake! Gus, get down there and stop us!
Young Gus: Wait, why do I have to be the feet? How come you just can’t be taller?
Henry: What do you think you’re doing?!
Young Shawn: Well the important question is, what are you doing home?
Henry: I’m a detective, Shawn. New job, new hours.
Young Shawn: Could you write those down for me?
Present Day
Shawn: Look, we only came over to get a closer look at the ride because I used to have one just like it. Gus and I built it from scratch in auto shop.
Lassiter: Spencer, you don’t want this case.
Shawn: But I do.
Lassiter: But you can’t have it.
Shawn: Oh, but I will.
Lassiter: Stop it.
Shawn: Look, Lassie, I know we’ve had kerfuffles in the past. But to be honest this has all the makings of a Psych special. Fast cars.
Gus: Fast women.
Shawn: Fast food.
Gus: Murder.
Shawn: That too.
Shawn: Watch for the flash, Gus. As soon as Lassie hits eighty-eight, he goes back in time. And this time he does not go to the prom with his sister.
Gus: It was his mother and they went to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.
Shawn: It was a throwaway. So we could make an entrance.
Gus: But you got it wrong.
Shawn: Just do this one and I’ll get you some astronaut ice cream.
You’re damn right you will.
Shawn: What? Seriously. Dude! Do that again. I’ve been trying to come up with an entrance bit like that since I accidentally threw Gus’ wallet into a fireplace.
Gus: I knew a squirrel didn’t swipe it off a windowsill.
Shawn: There was a squirrel outside and it was eyeing your wallet.
Gus: You lying bastard.
Tommy Nix (Adam Rodriguez): Clearly these guys are insane. They’re just looking to have some fun.
Shawn: I race hard. You race hard. You’re an awesome key-flipper. I can play Sowing the Seeds of Love on the recorder. He has that head. Now we all know each other. Why don’t you tell us where the next race is.
Tommy: What’s your name?
Shawn: Shawn.
Tommy: There’s an old saying, Shawn. If you need to ask, then you don’t belong there.
Shawn: I knew that.
Stig: Then why’d you ask?
Shawn: Well if you must know, it’s a rhetorical question. Like “Where’s Waldo.” Or “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”
Tommy: If you find the race, I’ll be happy to see you guys.
Gus: Everybody else’s hood stays up by itself. How long do I have to do this?
Shawn: Gus, we have to feature the engine. We have to show it people. This is what they do. Sit tight, I’m gonna get my Paul Walker on.
Manny (Zak Santiago): You know what we do with little guys who come around here asking bitch ass questions?
Shawn: I’m guessing he doesn’t break into song.
No, we kick their bitch asses.
Shawn: Side note: that guy would have killed me.
Tommy: Yeah. Quickly and quietly.
Shawn: And my body turns up in a ditch somewhere.
Tommy: They would have never found your body.
Shawn: No body.
Tommy: And yet, you didn’t back down.
Shawn: Well you know, I don’t like to um…
Tommy: Think ahead?
Shawn: Yes!
Shawn: You’re awesome. You have a great crew. {to Stig} You look like Flea.
Shawn: I think I can beat this guy.
Gus: Are you insane?
Shawn: I have a secret weapon! {pops open a compartment} What!
Gus: Nitrous? You are insane.
Shawn: You wouldn’t believe how easy that thing was to install.
Gus: No, Shawn. It’s incredibly complicated. Did you retool the front end?
Shawn: Nope.
Gus: Did you adjust the intake?
Shawn: What’s an intake?
Shawn: We did it!
Gus: He beat us, Shawn.
Shawn: By so much less than I thought he would!
Tommy: That’s some of the craziest stuff I’ve seen in a long time. You know you dudes got a lot of balls.
Shawn: Four, actually. And one phantom one I call Rigby.
Gina (Vanessa Minnillo): Or your asses are just lucky.
Shawn: You can’t just go in there and slap these guys around, all limp-wristy. Expecting them to tell you anything.
Lassiter: I’ve never had a limp wrist in my life.
Gus: Dude, did you make a chain out of paper clips?
Shawn: Gus, I didn’t have a lot of time. What I had were office supplies.
Shawn: Punch me in the face!
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: You’re going to blow my cover, now punch me in the face!
Lassiter: I’m not going to punch you in face!
Shawn: Ronald Reagan was a terrible president.
Lassiter punching him in the face: You son-of-a-bitch!
Buzz: There they are. Nice work, guys.
Shawn: Thank you, Buzz.
Buzz: No, I meant nice work getting owned by a girl.
Shawn: Okay. For your information we did not get owned. We refused to fight back.
Gus: We don’t hit women.
Shawn: That’s right.
Lassiter: No, but apparently she does.
Shawn: I don’t like the way that shook out at all. Lassie smugly breaking down the case, people laughing at our expense. Gina turns out to be Mary. It’s all very vexing. Don’t you feel vexed?
Gus: No. We solved the case. It all worked out the way it should.
Shawn: No. That is what is disturbing me. It never works out the way it should. That’s not our process. Our process is messy, haphazard. It’s definitely not like that. I don’t buy it.
Gus: Well you’re not gonna get it for free.
Shawn: Why is everyone suddenly breaking down this case but me?
Gus: Because you won’t. And worst still, you broke the first rule of undercover work: you got too close. You’ve gone all Point Break.
Tommy: That was quick. Guys at impound must have not been paying attention.
Shawn: No, they were. But then I busted out the Rice Krispy treats. It’s like flypaper, man. {Tommy laughs} Seriously those things are really sticky.
Juliet: Vegetables in the tail pipe. I don’t know if that’s brilliant or stupid.
Gus: Probably stupid.
Shawn: Well there’s a fine line between the two.
Viagra Falls
Henry: You know who the victim is, don’t you?
Shawn: Santa Barbara’s oldest lobsterman?
Henry: No, Shawn. Herb Wilkins. Best chief this department’s ever had.
Shawn: Well here’s the good news. Looks like he lived eight or nine decades before he met his maker.
Henry: I’m going to ask you to be respectful here.
Shawn: And I will politely decline. Come on, Dad, I’m kidding. Alright, I get it.
Shawn: Who are the old guys?
Henry: Boone and Peters. Veterans of the SBPD. Worked under Herb for many many years. Volunteers these days. These guys are legends.
Shawn: So are leprechauns but you don’t see them rolling out crime tape.
Shawn: I’m having a clear vision on a cloudy day! Herb Wilkins did not—
Don Peters (William Devane): Kill himself.
Shawn: Thank you. Mr. Peters, is it? If it’s all right with you I’d like to continue. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the psychic detective for the—
Floyd Boone (Carl Weathers): Psychic? Son. We don’t mess with the Devil. Now you better ride that goat with someone else.
Shawn: The Devil? Really?
Shawn: Sir, I am doing my best to respect your legacy and your wisdom, the many World and Civil wars that you’ve both seen and perhaps fought in.
Shawn: He was killed at another location, TBS.
Gus: It’s TBD, Shawn.
Shawn: What’s TBS?
Gus: The Super Station.
Shawn: Is it really though?
Shawn: So once upon a time they were good cops. I have a gift, Gus. And you have me. Besides, we’re both young. And viral.
Gus: It’s virile, Shawn.
Shawn: The point is, it’s a couple of old tortoises versus two young swift hares.
Gus: The tortoise won the race.
Shawn: Only because he was tired.
Gus: That makes no sense, Shawn.
Peters: Stay in the background. I’ll try not to embarrass you this time.
Shawn: I can embarrass myself just fine on my own.
Peters: You got that right, Rick.
Shawn: Mr. Peters, sir, is there something about me that rubs you the wrong way? Perhaps my strong hairline. Or muscular haunches?
Peters: You and your sidekick are untrained pests. Floyd and I have very little patience with your malarkey, shenanigans or tomfoolery.
Shawn: The big three.
Shawn: We should avoid Boone and Peters until we have something juicy.
Gus: And then throw our something juicy in their faces.
Shawn: Rotten peaches.
Gus: What! Where are we going to get peaches?
Shawn: Mmmmm. But I really like that idea.
Gus: Me too. But I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.
Shawn: Right in front of them.
Gus: Should we step in?
Shawn: It’s just a little tiff, Gus. Besides, there are no bullets in that gun.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: One in six chance.
Gus: Those are the exact odds, Shawn.
Peters: Well. The palm reader. And that guy who looks like a young Lawonda Page decided to join us.
Gus: Lawonda Page? From Sanford and Son?
Boone: Damn right. Without that hair cut you look just like her.
Shawn: You do have a little Lawonda in the eyes.
Gus: Shut up, Shawn.
Shawn: Please tell me we don’t look like that when we do our thing.
Gus: That’s exactly how we look.
Shawn: Can we be heard that clearly when we turn around and whisper?
Gus: I sure hope not.
Shawn: Did he just throw a loafer at me!
Gus: It was a Magnanni slip-on.
Shawn: What?
Gus: What? I know my loafers, Shawn. And I won’t apologize for it.
Shawn: Do we sound like that?
Gus: That’s exactly what we sound like.
Shawn: We don’t care what Herb was up to. Put our differences aside and work together on this, okay? Between the four of us we’ve got what? Over three hundred years of crime fighting under our belts. What do you say? We’re the apples, you’re the oranges.
Peters: We’ve gotta be the same fruit!
Shawn: How about grapples?
Boone: I do love a good grapple, Don.
Peters: Okay, it’s a deal. We’re the grapples.
Chief Vick to Peters: You’re both fired. You’re off this investigation.
Shawn: Well, them’s the breaks. Sometimes you gotta make the tough decisions.
Chief Vick: Oh, you’re fired too, Spencer. You’re all off this case.
Shawn: Gus, you’ve been watching these old geezers from the start.
Gus: So?
Shawn: You know damn well he took more than just menus. These guys are crafty. Boone was wily.
Shawn: What’s the plan?
Peters: Well. We could sneak through a window and start a grease fire in the bathroom.
Boone: Do it Shawn and Gus style.
Gus: We could.
Shawn: What was the Bark and Mark again?
Shawn: Take Gus! He can pass for Omar Epps in restaurants.
Gus: Take Shawn! Trust me, you’ll feel better about yourself in comparison.
Shawn: Man. Think we’ll still be able to knock dudes out when we’re in our sixties?
Gus: We can’t knock dudes out now.
Shawn: I hear that.
Ferry Tale
1990
Young Shawn: Alright, Gus. We trained long and hard. Hours of practice after school, all those Joe Piscopo-endorsed protein shakes. But it’ll all be worth it if we win that Mongoose BMX bike at the Police Department Picnic.
Young Gus: Wait. How did we decide who gets the bike?
Young Shawn: A good question. Ah. We could do eeny meeny miney mo.
Young Gus: Don’t insult my intelligence. We can do rock paper scissors.
Young Gus: No, I’m taping your face. Come here!
Present Day
Shawn: Dude, if you had told me we were boarding a ferry to Channel Islands to do an environmental clean up, obviously I would said no.
Gus: That’s exactly what I told you.
Shawn: And what did I say?
Gus: You said no.
Shawn: Then why am I here?
Gus: Because you’re easily distracted.
Shawn: Wow, that’s cute. In order to reduse carbon emissions you ask people not to use your first names?
Shawn: Before you go Black Al Gore, you should know that your seasickness patch fell off.
Okay, first of all Black Al Gore was your Halloween costume, not mine. And secondly, my seasickness patch is right here.
Shawn: Don’t go boneless on me, Gus!
The guard lets a little kid go to the head of the bathroom line
Shawn: What gives?
Craig (Chi McBride): You see him doing his little pee-pee dance? Even they can see that. They’re felons, not animals.
Gus: If the prison guard is here there where are the convicts?
Shawn: Gus, this is a prison break.
Gus: We need to call the police.
Shawn: That’s the sixth time you’ve said that today and this time I actually agree with you.
Shawn: Dad, listen up and listen carefully. Gus and I are on some ferry with some ridiculous environmental clean-up.
Gus: Do not editorialize, Shawn!
Henry: Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands.
Shawn: Got it. {he hangs up} We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.
Gus: Are you sure that’s what your dad said?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn’t broken. By the time the police arrive these prisoners will be halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Gus: Halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean is the Pacific Ocean, Shawn.
Shawn: Hey. If I’m gonna die, you better be right behind me. Or I will haunt your kitchen cabinets ’til the day you die.
Lassiter answering the phone: Lassiter.
Shawn: Tell my dad I kinda took matters into my own hands.
Shawn: Hey dude.
Sanders: What?!
Shawn: Why don’t you let the women and children… and men go.
Shawn: That’s it. They’re starting to break. This is my chance to convince them to let us go.
Craig: Alright, now listen. You gotta come at these guys hard if you want them to respect you. No silliness or random movie references.
Shawn: This is just like Collateral. Except I’m Jamie Foxx and you’re Tom Cruise. You look Cruise.
Craig: You finished?
Shawn: Oh yeah. I’m done.
Craig: You sure? You sure? ‘Cause if you’re not…
Shawn: No, I’m done. I promise.
Craig: No, ’cause you seem to think I ain’t got nothing else better to do with my time.
Craig: Okay, one way for you to come off hard, take the last thing they said and then repeat it back to them. You know, like an angry question.
Shawn: That doesn’t make any sense.
Craig: That doesn’t make any sense?!
Shawn: I stand corrected.
Craig: Oh, you stand corrected?!
Shawn: I got it.
Craig: Are you sure?
Shawn: Yeah yeah.
Craig: You sure? Because it’s subtle, how it works.
Shawn: It’s not subtle. I got it.
Northcutt puts down the gun
Shawn: Gus, it worked. It’s a miracle.
Gus: No, Shawn, it’s not.
Craig armed: I’ll take that.
Shawn: Craig.
Gus: The important thing is that, in the end, you made the right choice.
Shawn: Sounds like the wrap-up to a Scooby-Doo movie.
Gus: I know.
Shawn 2.0
Present Day
Shawn: You’re one to talk, Mr. I Bought Win a Date with Tad Hamilton on DVD.
Gus: There were fifteen deleted scenes, Shawn. Fifteen.
Gus: You said you were going into the office last night to catch up on work.
Shawn: Which I did. Then I saw those beers in the fridge.
Gus: Our fridge doesn’t work.
Shawn: Yes, but 7-11’s does.
Shawn: I’ll take a baked good that I will be choosing momentarily and a latte that your fine establishment will be paying for once I nail the trivia question that you put on that board, just like I do every morning.
Mynka: Oh, except this one.
Shawn: I’m afraid your confidence reeks falser than your boyfriend’s ID. Which, FYI, I saw taped to the counter at 7-11.
Shawn: Ninety-seven!
Declan Rand (Nestor Carbonell): I actually believe it’s ninety-eight. Fenster dropped one after that line-up scene. Often gets mistaken for the word “gug.” Which isn’t even a word. But let’s be honest, it should be.
Shawn to Gus: What’s happening right here?
Mynka: He’s right. It’s ninety-eight.
Shawn: Who the gug is that guy?
Shawn: Alright, who are you? And why do you keep stealing my moments?
Declan Rand: I’m sorry. I’m Declan Rand, criminal profiler.
Lassiter: Right. Chief Vick said you’d be dropping by. I’m Detective Carlton Lassiter, my partner Juliet O’Hara and… {indicates Shawn} eh.
Shawn: “Criminal profiler.” Sounds like one of those job titles that only exists in cheesy TV shows.
Declan Rand: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective.
Shawn: I was wondering if you’d like to be my date to a friend’s wedding on Saturday.
Juliet: Are you asking me out next to a dead person?
Gus: Told you!
Shawn: Yes. But I thought it would be okay since it doesn’t really smell.
Shawn: I really don’t like the cut of that guy’s jib, Gus. Something about him, what is it?
Gus: Let’s see. Smart. Knowledgeable of film. A crime-solving machine. He’s Shawn 2.0.
Shawn: Heyyy, Jooles.
Juliet: Why are you talking like that?
Gus: Sometimes he over-enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.
Shawn: I do not.
Shawn: Did you hear that?
Gus: Every ill-conceived word.
Chief Vick: All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekend.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.
Declan: You’re highly intelligent, but you’re shameful of that fact so you play it down with the use of inappropriate behavior. And you live in fear of showing weakness so you hide behind a constant barrage of jokes and sarcasm.
Shawn: I agree. Not. said the liar.
Declan: I’m not sure those two go together. “Said the liar” cancels “not” out.
Shawn: So’s your face.
Lassiter: Well done, Declan.
Shawn: “Well done Declan”? Since when do you use first names?
Lassiter: We need to track this girl down.
Shawn: Hey! I’m the one who came up with the list thing.
Declan: Good work, Shawn.
Shawn: Shut up, Declan.
Shawn: Tried to make some joe but our coffee maker’s busted.
Gus: We don’t have a coffee maker.
Shawn: Then what was I fiddling with for the last half-hour?
Gus: My humidifier looks nothing like a coffee maker!
Shawn: I’ll buy you a new one.
Gus: None of those stupid expressions are coming back.
Shawn: That’s what they said about Hammer pants.
Gus: Which never came back.
Shawn: Then why did I just buy three pair?
Gus: Because you’re an idiot.
Shawn: Because it’s Hammer Time!
Gus: It’s never Hammer Time, Shawn.
Gus: What you got?
Shawn: Three things. One: I’m not the only closet chick lit lover around here. Two: Declan is a complete fraud. And, H: He may just be our murderer.
Shawn: There is no record of Declan going there.
Gus: So the guy lied on his resume. If that makes someone a killer then you’re Ted Bundy.
Shawn: Look, Gus, this isn’t about me. Or the fact that I wasn’t really a background dancer in the Thriller video.
Shawn: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!
Declan: Yes?
Shawn: Why is there a man who looks exactly like Kurt Smith from Tears for Fears playing an acoustic set next to that tree and your swimming pool?
Declan: I’m sorry, I should have introduced you. Kurt, meet Shawn and Gus.
Kurt Smith: Afternoon, gentlemen.
Shawn: Oh dear god. It’s you. The real you. The fleshy you. I love you. Do you have any idea how much I love you?
Kurt Smith: I think I do now.
Shawn: You either tell her you’re a fake criminal prodiler or I will.
Declan: You do that and then I’ll be forced to tell her you’re not a real psychic. {the music stops}
Shawn: A dramatic pause? Really? Come on, Kurt. That’s beneath you, man. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Declan: Oh come on, Shawn. I’ve been on to you since the beginning. Don’t forget we read the same books.
Shawn: Gus, let’s go have a conversation with our favorite weirdo.
Gus: This sucks. I can’t believe I’m single again.
Shawn: You know who can? Anyone who met you eight days ago.
One, Maybe Two, Ways Out
Santa Barbara 0837 Hours
Gus: This is because she’s dating Declan now.
Shawn: I wouldn’t call it dating.
Gus: What would you call it?
Shawn: Dating. I just didn’t want to say it.
Shawn: My spirit has to remain unchained, Gus. Like my melodies.
Shawn: Lassie, what’s up?
Lassiter: Spencer. I just got a call about a white guy and a black guy running down the boardwalk wreaking havoc and I immediately thought of you guys. Are you involved?
Shawn: Don’t know anything about said havoc.
Lassiter: What about reports of a black ops helicopter circling the bay firing of shots?
Shawn: Helicopter in Santa Barbara firing off shots? Lassie, please! Go to men’s bathroom, behind the condom machine is a vial of sanity serum. Crack it, digest, call me in half an hour.
Shawn: Do you still have that giant astronomy coloring book back in the Psych office?
Gus: It’s not a coloring book.
Shawn: Uh oh. {to Nadia} He’s gonna be so mad at me.
Nadia (Franka Potente): Do you know anyone who owns a chopper?
Shawn: 99.6% of the time the answer to that question is nobody.
Strabinsky (Jon Gries): I will snuff you out without even touching you.
Shawn: Harsh. Intimidating. Intriguing how you would actually snuff without touching. But also fair.
Shawn: I’m a psychic you see. A psychic spy. Maybe the only one. Probably the only one. Definitely the only non-Russian one. Unless you count Men Who Stare At Goats.
Gus: Who were you just talking to?
Shawn: Nadia. She was in the police station.
Gus: Are you kidding me?
Shawn: That’s so risky and so sexy.
She’s really starting to like me.
Gus: She wants to kill you, Shawn.
Shawn: This is our chance to Bourne it up. I’m Matt Damon, you’re Adewale Akinnuoye-Agabaj… non.
Gus: That’s not how you say his name.
Shawn: That’s who you are though.
Gus: Oh no I’m not. I’m not going to be there.
Shawn: It’s too late to recast. The part is yours. Let’s go take down a spy.
Shawn: And you look almost as good upside down as you look rightside up. And that can only be said about you, me and maybe Javier Bardem.
Nadia: No. Not Javier Bardem.
Shawn: No? You don’t think so?
Nadia: Jon Stewart.
Shawn: Jon Stewart. Really? I wouldn’t…
Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part
Gus: First class tickets.
Shawn: And three nights hotel. Paid for.
Gus: By a world class criminal.
Shawn: Please. Despereaux staged art thefts. That’s barely a crime.
Gus: I don’t think you’re allowed to accept lavish gifts from people you sent to prison.
Shawn: Says who? The sultan of Canada? Look, all Despereaux wants is a little face time. Ten minutes. Maybe less. He’s lonely. By himself in his Canadian prison. And we put him there. The least we can do is give him a chance to explain himself.
Gus: Oh, so I’m the crazy one for being nervous about accepting an invitation to visit from a criminal that almost killed us?
Shawn: That little gun he pointed at my head.
Gus: Twice.
Shawn: Not loaded.
Gus: How do you know?
Shawn: He told me.
Gus: You spoke to him before this?
Shawn: I follow him on Twitter.
Shawn: Gus, come on. Be a little spontaneous. Canada’s one of the top fifty countries in the world.
Gus: And how many countries are there?
Shawn: At least fifty. Maybe more.
Henry: I’m not going to bail you out this time.
Shawn: I’m not going to ask you to.
Henry: Good. Because you’ve got my only suitcase.
Shawn: See you Monday, pop.
Henry: Did you tell her yet?
Shawn: Tell who what?
Henry: Come on, Shawn. I heard the whole conversation with Gus about Juliet going off on this trip with Declan Rand and how you’re going to try to wow her and tell her how much you care about her before she gets too serious. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Shawn: I shared that with Gus in the men’s room at the Red Robin. Where were you hiding?
Henry: You butt-dialed me.
Henry: Dad. Can we never have this conversation again?
Shawn: We can certainly try.
Shawn: Dude. You addressed that to Chief Vick.
Buzz: Really? Bullet dodged.
Shawn: Just think how weird that would have been.
Gus: Are you okay?
Shawn: I accidentally turned McNabb and my father into confidantes. It’s a weird day.
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Gentlemen.
Shawn: Prison looks good on you.
Despereaux: You call it prison. I liken it to a mid-range Sandals resort.
Despereaux: You see, Shawn, my life’s goal has always been to commit the perfect crime. I’ve always of my heists as… elegant. Victimless. But you made me feel somehow… regretful. You genuinely wanted me to be the greatest thief that ever lived.
Shawn: You know that’s right. {Gus glares at him}
Despereaux: Well gentlemen, I need you to know that I am capable of all the things you thought I could do. And more. And I’d like the opportunity to prove it to you.
Gus: You don’t have to prove to us that you’re a great criminal.
Despereaux: I want to.
Gus: You shouldn’t.
Despereaux: But I will.
Gus: Our luggage was in the trunk wasn’t it.
Shawn: Yes it was.
Gus: Our wallet’s in our bags.
Shawn: Mm hm.
Gus: Passport’s in our wallets.
Shawn: You know it. I do have this though.
Gus: Two Altoids?
Shawn: I wish. It’s a piece of chalk split in half.
Gus: If we’re out here for more than two days, I will eat you alive.
Shawn: You couldn’t eat me.
Gus: I will finish you whole.
Shawn: That doesn’t make any sense.
Gus: I will eat you in [] bite-sized pieces.
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: You know that I like you guys a lot, but last time you were here you got me fired.
Shawn: Technically you got yourself fired.
Mackintosh: By doing what you asked.
Shawn: We got you your job back.
Mackintosh: At the lowest possible level.
Despereaux: Oh Camilla Parker Bowles. I’ve been set up.
Shawn: I think we’re the ones that got set up.
Despereaux: Somebody came in and planted those things after I stole the art. I mean now they’re trying to pin me for murder. Surely you can see that.
Gus: Nope. Nope.
Shawn: No. Tell it to the judge. I don’t love you anymore.
Shawn: Lassie! What are you doing in Canada?
Lassiter: I should be asking you two the same question. I’m here to extradite Despereaux back the United States.
Gus: Which one?
Shawn: Which one what?
Gus: Which one are you freaking out about? Juliet or Despereaux?
Shawn: I don’t know. Both I guess.
Shawn: Despereaux, what are you doing here?
Despereaux: Same thing you’re doing here. Trying to prove me innocent.
Shawn: Yeah we haven’t decided if we think you’re innocent.
Gus: I did. You’re not.
Juliet: I broke up with Declan.
Shawn: Why would you do that? I mean… I just can’t do this right now. Anytime later. We can schedule it.
Juliet: Don’t bother.
Shawn: I don’t know why you’re smiling. THe charges in the States are every bit as steep as the ones here.
Despereaux: I find your confidence in the American justice system adorable. They’ll never convict me.
Lassiter: We’ll convict you.
Despereaux: Now, I want to pose a question to you Shawn and I want you to consider it sincerely.
Shawn: Shoot.
Despereaux: Lunch. Friday.
Shawn: Hm. I’ll visit you in prison.
Despereaux: I’d schedule that sooner rather than later.
In Plain Fright
1990
Young Shawn: Gus, you’ve been on this ride like twenty times. Why are you chickening out now?
Young Gus: This ride just doesn’t seem mechanically sound. How do we know it’s not going to break and eject us out of the building?
Young Shawn: Gus, the ride is twelve inches off the ground.
Young Gus: Well why are you nervous?
Young Shawn: Because everybody knows that animatronic goblins
can sometimes come to life in the weirdest of situations.
Young Gus: That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Young Shawn: Really? Then you go first.
Young Gus: You go first!
Young Shawn: I want to go first. But not until you go.
Present Day
Juliet: Eventually Carlton is going to find out about us.
Shawn: I’ve seen his detective skills. That could take years.
Juliet: So you told him about us?
Shawn: What are you kidding? That’d be like posting it on my Facebook page. If I had a Facebook page. Or the desire to share intimate life details with people I avoid on the street.
Shawn: Try to understand, this is going to be like a bomb landing on his sweet head. It means he’s the odd man out again. If I don’t handle this delicately he’s bound to go on another caramel binge.
Juliet: He went on one before?
Shawn: Yes. Hot and cold.
Shawn: Dude. You, me, haunted house. Let’s ride some rides.
Gus: Wait a second. We haven’t even had any churros yet. This year they’re wrapped in bacon.
Shawn: Didn’t we come here to be scared?
Gus: Exactly. What’s more scary than a churro wrapped in bacon?
Shawn: Dude, you’re not even looking.
Gus: I’m drinking it all in.
Shawn: You’re eyes are closed and you’re pretending to be startled by things.
Gus: I was just startled.
Shawn: By what, the exit light?
Shawn: Wait a minute. Gus, did you see that?
Gus: I was testing my watch to see if it really glowed in the dark.
Shawn: Gus, I just saw somebody get killed!
Shawn: You’re not listening. I saw a man gasping for his life.
Carol: You saw a volleyball on a broomstick.
Shawn: No! {beat} Yes, I saw that too. The illusion actually played. But this is something different.
Shawn: Listen— {he checks her phone} I am sure Todd is pretty dreamy, even though he can’t spell “bitchin’.” But I’m assuming that just like Heaven and Exhaling, he can wait.
Shawn: Three ninjas. Mega mountain. Reunited and it feels so, so good.
Ken (Jerry Shea): I like that song. I’m only allowed to use these access keys for business.
Shawn: Murder is our business.
Shawn: Are you in?
Ken: I’m out.
Gus: So am I.
Gus: Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? We’re gonna find a dead body, alright. Mine. Drug by one of these ride cars.
Shawn: You’ll be the first documented dragging death at three miles per hour.
Gus: Actually, I’ll be the third. In 1974, there was a guy—
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.
Shawn: What are you saying, “my eye”? Are you saying “my eye” at the end?
Gus: I let out a very eerie “r”.
Shawn: It wasn’t eerie.
Gus: And then I added a layer to intimate that my eye had been removed. It’s been horrifying like that.
Shawn: I thought you had a loose eyelash or possibly a sty.
Gus: Eyes are scary on a psychological level, Shawn.
Shawn: So you’re warning riders of the dangers of conjuctivitus?
Gus: I can’t believe this. I’m in Carnival Jail.
Shawn: What are you so worried about? It’s not like they’re going to call our parents or something.
Shawn: Dude, don’t be the only black lead on a major cable network. My dad’s never had me arrested.
Gus: Yes he has.
Shawn: We have a bona fide Scooby Doo case that has fallen into our laps. Dead guy, haunted house, amusement park. Gus, says “zoinks.”
Gus: I’m not saying zoinks.
Shawn: Then say “jinkeys”.
Gus: Jinkeys.
Shawn: You don’t want to go through a dead man’s office but you’ll eat his candy?
Gus: It’s Grandma candy, Shawn. Nobody’ll want it.
Shawn: It’s so shiny.
Juliet: I’m going to go get Lassiter. Stay put. {she runs off}
Gus: Are we really going to wait for Lassiter?
Shawn: That would be a first.
Shawn: You didn’t just want to kill them. You wanted a preamble, so they knew why they were being killed.
Shawn: Gus, seeing as how we might be dying at any moment, I have a confession to make. Remember how you got bummed out when I started seeing Abigail? You thought things between us were going to change and you ate all those waffles to try and deal with it?
Gus: What the hell are you talking about, Shawn?
Eve (Nora Dunn): I don’t think this is really the time for this!
Shawn: I hooked up with Juliet.
Gus: So?
Shawn: So? We’re breaking up the duo. It’s not just Shawn and Gus anymore. Now it’s more like that Say Say Say video.
Gus: You’ve been after her for five years.
Eve: Five years?
Gus: He’s really not that smooth.
Shawn: I’m not that smooth?
Juliet hitting Todd: A hundred and forty-five pounds my ass!
Lassiter: I’ve got the tiny girl with the limp.
Shawn: Nice Lassie.
Lassiter: It’s easy. She doesn’t run very fast.
Dual Spires
Present Day
Shawn: Dude, do you know they make silent window shades? Some woman in Washington invented them back in the early-90s.
Gus: Since when is the sound of opening and closing shades so disruptive that it needs to be alleviated
Shawn: Why do have to hate on other people’s triumphs of innovation.
Gus: Weird.
Shawn: It’s not weird, it’s selfish. And more than a little petty.
Gus: No, not that. Come take a look at this.
Shawn: Man, this better not be another auction for one of Stoney Jackson’s neckerchiefs.
Shawn: Well look up this town Dual Spires. I mean how can there be a Cinnamon Festival that we’ve never heard of? {looking at the map} Zoom in.
Gus: Dude. This town is so small that it’s in parentheses. How the heck did we get this email?
Shawn: It’s a delicious mystery.
Shawn checking his schedule: I’m good ’til next Wrestlemania.
Shawn: Half-a-mile from the nearest road.
Gus: No wonder it’s in parentheses. This is one secluded town.
Shawn: Let’s get some cinnamon.
Shawn: Wow, everyone looks so happy. And yet so perplexed.
Gus: Something’s off about this place, Shawn. People keep looking like I’m the first black man they’ve seen.
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Don’t be absurd.
Girl on Bike: Hey Mister. Are you Frederick Douglass?
Gus: Shawn. We need to get out of here.
Bob Barker (Dana Ashbrook): Just passing through?
Shawn: We’re here for the festival. We take our cinnamon very seriously.
Sheriff Andrew Jackson (Lenny von Dohlen): We don’t have the internet in Dual Spires. It’s simpler that way.
Shawn: Dude, we’re doing Witness.
Gus: They were Amish.
Shawn: Not Danny Glover, he was black.
Gus: What are you talking about?
Shawn: You found the monkey bread.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Gus: Mrs. Barker, is everything okay?
Michelle Barker (Robyn Lively): No. Everything is not okay.
Bob: Michelle.
Michelle: What? I can’t just sit here, and pretend to be excited about churros, and Leo the Cinnamon Owl.
Shawn: I sense someone is missing.
Bob: Our niece, Paula. She’s been gone about a day and a half.
Shawn: Mr. and Mrs. Barker, I have a confession to make. I’m not just a cinnamon enthusiast. I’m also a psychic detective. And this is my partner, Lodge Blackman.
Shawn: Come on, dude.
Gus: You know I’m a sympathetic cryer, Shawn. Just leave me be.
“Who killed Paula Merral?”
Shawn: Gus, we weren’t called here for a cinnamon festival. {he shows him the email}
Gus: Shawn, we have reached a new low point in our life.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? It’s like Driving Miss Daisy. Except you get to be Miss Daisy.
Gus: I don’t want to be in the movie, Shawn.
Wood Woman (Catherine E. Coulson): What did Grandma tell you about wandering off in the store? {a little kid finally pops up}
Gus relieved: I was going to say.
Shawn: That would have been too much.
Randy: Who are you?
Shawn: A couple of guys with a passion for the truth.
Gus: And cinnamon.
Shawn: I get it. It’s Pretty In Pink. You’re Andrew McCarthy.
Randy: Who’s Andrew McCarthy?
Shawn: That’s fair.
Maudette Hornsby (Sherilyn Fenn): I thought you were a psychic.
Shawn: I am. But how did you know that?
Maudette: Word travels. You know we don’t get a lot of gossip around here, so untimely death, a psychic and a black man all in one day? Epic.
Shawn: I really thought we were being discreet.
Gus: You do know what discreet means, don’t you? That’s a serious question.
Juliet: Look, I don’t know what you guys have gotten yourself into, but Paula Merral drowned here seven years ago. {Gus looks stunned}
Shawn: What? Did she say hi back?
Bob: You two understand, right?
Shawn: We’re not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn’t been.
Gus: No.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Gus: Always.
Shawn: Every teenager has a secret spot, Gus. Remember when I found those weird photos of John Cusack in your night stand?
Gus: That was Joan.
Shawn: Really? That’s much less weird. Wait. No, it’s not. Not really.
Shawn: Thank you, Father. you’ve been so much help. Gus will see you in church on Sunday.
Father Westley (Ray Wise): What about you?
Shawn stepping out of the sweet spot: What? Oop, you’re breaking up.
Father Westley: What?
Shawn: Can’t hear anything. Hello? Father!
Father Westley: W— ? Wait, wait! There’s more.
Shawn about Jack: Jon Cryer in Pretty In Pink.
Gus: Nobody in this town has ever seen that movie, Shawn.
Shawn: Well I refuse to accept that.
Shawn: So do you think this guy killed Paula?
Gus: Most definitely. He’s a freaky dude living in a freaky place, and you notice he won’t ever make eye contact with you? There’s only one reason for that: guilt.
Shawn: Actually, there may be another.
Shawn: I gotta tell you, you are the highest functioning blind person that I have ever seen.
Jack Smith: …and then jet blackness.
Gus: What does that mean?
Shawn: Great porn name for you.
Shawn: Get your wood out of her face, Randy!
Shawn: What is it about all the secret relationships in this town? It’s like General Hospital. {Jack looks lost… more lost} You’re kidding me. Alright, that’s it. Is there a film or a television series that you people actually saw?
Jack: The town gets together every Thursday night to watch reruns of Everwood.
Shawn: Okay. I can work with that.
Gus: If we leave now I’ll let you play the theme to Weird Science over and over in the car. What do you say?
Gus: So who killed Paula Merral?
Shawn: I don’t know. But we’re gonna find out.
Gus: Shawn, we’re gonna die in this tiny stupid room!
Shawn: Don’t be the scream from Holding Back the Years. You’re right though, this could be it for us.
Gus: Father Westley! Thank God you were here. Literally.
Shawn: We were about to be wicker men. How did you find us?
Father Westley: I just had faith.
Shawn: Really?
Father Westley: No.
Shawn: Did Paula ever know that you were her father?
Bob: Yes. I had to tell her in order to get her to come here in the first place.
Shawn: It’s nice to finally have some alone time.
Juliet: It is. But you know we’re not really alone, Shawn.
Father Westley: You were not lying about the pie, Burton. It’s heavenly.
Gus: Right? Now we’re on to Ecclesiastes.
Father Westley: One of my favorites.
Shawn: We couldn’t blow off a priest. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
Juliet: Well, it’s not so much Gus and Father Westley. And Carlton…
Lassiter doing a great Agent Cooper: That’s a damn fine cup of cider.
Juliet: It’s the other people.
We’d Like to Thank the Academy
Shawn: Lassie! We totally caught the bad guys.
Lassiter: Yeah. What do you think you’re doing crashing a stakeout?
Shawn: You’re welcome.
Gus: Do you think the chief called us in to congratulate us on our bust yesterday?
Shawn: Most definitely. I’m also assuming that there will be an award involved.
Gus: A busty.
Shawn: I was thinking Lifetime Achievement. Busties usually go to strippers or sculptors. Lionel Ritchie has one.
Chief Vick: Yesterday’s stunt may be the most assisine and idiotic thing I’ve seen in all my years at this department.
Gus: That doesn’t sound like props.
Shawn: She’s roasting us.
Gus: Oh.
Henry: What the hell do you think you were doing?
Shawn: Oh I don’t know, catching the bad guys?
Henry: He was setting up a sting, Shawn. Do you have any idea what that involves?
Shawn: Newman. Redford. The lettuce. The ponies.
Chief Vick: Wireptaps, search warrants. Surveillance teams. All of which take time.
Shawn: That sounds like something for you to worry about. What we like to do is come up with a solution. And make it happen.
Gus: Not always in that order.
Shawn: In the end we always come through.
Gus: Just like the chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Nick Conforth (Ralph Macchio): Listen, your program breaks down as follows: a third will be spent in the classroom, a third will involve fieldwork and one-third will involve physical training.
Shawn: What about the other third?
Gus: Are you kidding?
Shawn: Never mind. Surprise us.
Conforth: I can’t believe you are Henry Spencer’s son.
Shawn: Well neither can I. It’s an ongoing investigation.
Shawn: Seriously. For the ten hours or so that we retain the stuff that you’ve taught us, you made a real difference, Nick.
Conforth: I am twice the cop that he is.
Shawn: Well don’t just stand there and wax on about it.
Shawn: Dude, this is so Top Gun. I’m Cruise, she’s McGillis, you’re Sundown.
Gus: Why can’t I be the Goose?
Shawn: You know why.
Gus: Stop hypothetically typecasting me, Shawn.
Shawn: Sundown, we’re in.
Gus: I’m Goose, Shawn. The black Goose.
Shawn: That has no ring to it at all.
Shawn: We’ve been known to lay down a few wagers ourselves. The racing hot dogs on the Jumobtron at ballgames.
Gus: Always bet on relish.
Shawn: So Chris and Dickey get in over their heads with this goon. They knock off Devry, grab the cash they need to pay him back.
Gus: Which may be the dumbest plan two geniuses ever came up with.
Gus: Look, we can catch the guys responsible for those robberies.
Conforth: Good. You guys go. I’ll just screw it up.
Shawn: I can not believe what I’m hearing. Do you know what the Nick Conforth we know would be doing right now?
Conforth: No.
Shawn: Well, neither do we really, because our whole relationship only spans about a day.
Shawn: Dickey, what happened?
Dickie: Some guy that looks like a fabulous Emmitt Smith just kidnapped my friend.
Shawn: Devry.
Gus: Seriously, how does Devry keep showing up at places moments after we do?
Shawn: Uh oh. I think I know who has my walkie.
Shawn: We won’t let you down, Chief.
Chief Vick: Yes you will. Now, hand over your cadet badge.
Shawn: Gladly. {checking his pockets} I must have, ah… slung it in one of these side babies here just right in there for safe… Boy, I really do have a problem.
Shawn: You do realize this is the end of True Romance.
Gus: That was a massacre, Shawn. Everybody died.
Shawn: That’s not true. Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette made it out.
Dickie: And Michael Rappaport.
Shawn: Good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.
Shawn: Dude, what was that?
Gus: It’s me!
Shawn: Are you kidding me? You’ve achieved pitch-perfect AK-47 mouth action.
Gus: I know! I’ve been practicing!
Shawn: Air bump.
Conforth: Mr. Spencer, do you have this under control?
Shawn: I believe I do. How are you doing over there?
Conforth: I think I’m going to barf. {he runs off}
Shawn: Oh, that’s… that’s unfortunate.
The Polarizing Express
Present Day
Gus: I told you not to go into that building without the police but you never listen to me. Ever. Now they look like amateurs and Psych might be finished.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the way Eriq La Salle spells “Eriq.” You know I would never go snooping around without checking for security cameras. They must have been hidden.
Chief Vick: I have been given an ultimatum by the Mayor. And as a result this department has decided to take preemptive action.
Shawn: About time I was issued a weapon.
Chief Vick: I’m placing you on suspension. Indefinitely.
Shawn: Indefinitely? Well make up your mind, Chief. Am I suspended or not?
Henry: You made your bed, kid.
Shawn: I haven’t made my bed in fifteen years.
Henry: I’m just so tired of the grind. You and me, spinning our wheels, going in opposite directions. I can’t help but wonder what our lives might have been like if you’d just stayed wherever the hell you were and not come back to Santa Barbara five years ago.
Shawn: Wow. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have come back.
Tony Cox: The bottom line is, it’s snowing styrofoam and I’m stuck here.
Shawn: Why?
Tony Cox: Because I’m your super-ego.
Shawn: No kidding. Boy, I wish I could show you to all the people that said I should be more humble.
Shawn: Oh my god. My dad turned into Nick Nolte.
Shawn: I guess he was dead wrong. It’s a good thing I came back after all.
You do realize you’re pulling all the strings in this dream. You did this just to make yourself feel better.
Shawn: Who’s next?
It’s Gus. Now his Old Lady has a kid from a different baby daddy. His alocholic mother-in-law lives with them too. And I’m pretty sure they live next door to Edie McClurg.
Shawn: That sounds like a UPN sitcom from the mid-nineties.
Stranjay (Keshia Knight Pulliam): Give your daddy a fist bump.
Anfernee: He ain’t my daddy!
Stranjay: What’s happening, Anfernee?
Anfernee: You ain’t my daddy.
Shawn: Is that all he says?
Tony Cox: This season. Lat year was, “Sniff this, unit.”
Shawn: Here’s the weird thing. I think this is a rerun.
Shawn: Wow. This is really horrible. Gus is so underappreciated around here.
Tony Cox: Bingo. Now you’re getting it. You’re imagination is dark and ridiculous, but at least the message is buried in there somewhere.
Shawn: Oh you mean that everyone would be miserable if I hadn’t come back to Santa Barbara? I could have told you that.
Tony Cox: Boy are you in for a surprise.
Shawn: So because I never came back, she ends up getting demoted and Lassie ends up with his dream job. {he peeks in on him}. At least they respect him.
Shawn: Jules, this is so hot. You’re like Heather Locklear in T.J. Hooker. Which means he’s Adrian Zmed. Wait a minute. Are you dating Dwyane Wade? That doesn’t even make sense. He’s dating Gabrielle Union.
Tony Cox: How much longer are you going to stay in denial, huh?
Shawn: How much time do we have?
Tony Cox: Get out of the car.
Shawn: Can I be perfectly honest? I can’t feel anything below my chin.
Shawn: I need to wake up.
Tony Cox: Not until you learn your lesson.
Shawn: I did. I learned how important I am to everyone.
Tony Cox: This isn’t about them. haven’t you seen It’s a Wonderful Life?
Shawn: No. I can’t do black and white.
Tony Cox: How about a Christmas Carol?
Shawn: I can’t do subtitles. You know what I did see? Elf. How come you’re not in that movie?
Tony Cox: It’s not about me or which movies I should have gotten over Dinklage.
Tony Cox: It’s time to grow up, or you’re going to lose the people that care about you the most.
Shawn: I am? I guess I could afford to make a stride or two.
Tony Cox: Who is this?
Shawn: Us. As a kid.
Tony Cox: It doesn’t look like us as a kid.
Young Shawn: Well we change. Sometimes from week to week, huh?
Shawn: That’s true.
Shawn: Oh Brown Snowman Gus. I think I’ll miss you most of all.
Shawn: Gus, the lightbulb came on. I’ve had a catheter.
Gus: Catharsis.
Shawn: Of all the relationships in my life, ours is easily the most stable and the only one I haven’t screwed up. If I hadn’t come back to Santa Barbara, I don’t know what you’d be doing, but wherever I was I’d be wishing I had you there to lean on.
Shawn: Where do you think the Super Sniffer ranks among other hero’s powers?
Gus: Below X-ray vision and weather control, but definitely better than anything Robin brings to the table.
Shawn: Which is nothing.
Gus: Exactly.
Gus: So what’s our move?
Shawn: Brace yourself, Gus. We’re going to have to play by the book. It’ll be difficult, but I’m gonna help you through it.
Gus: I always play by the book.
Shawn: Now come on. Let’s hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather fall in love with a vegan.
Shawn: That’s fair.
Lassiter: Look, this lack of animosity is kind of freaking me out right now.
Shawn: Is it area codes or state capitols that you’re all Rain Man-y with?
Gus: I’m Rain Man with area codes. With state capitols I’m more like John Nash.
Shawn: The dude from Clean House?
Gus: That’s Niecy Nash, Shawn. And she’s a fine, full-bodied woman.
Shawn: You know they say the wormwood in absinthe makes your shadow glow. We should do shots and then play laser tag.
Gus: Shawn, you need to try to take a nap. You look tired.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be Keith Sweat now. I’m sharp as a tack.
Shawn:I apologize to cockroaches everywhere. Especially Jiminy Cricket. Although for the first time in over thirty years it occurs to me, he might be a cricket.
Gus: Of course he’s a cricket.
Dead Bear Walking
Shawn: Hey Lassie. Hey Jules.
Lassiter: How’d you guys find out about this already?
Shawn: Well first off, Gus follows several of the zebras on Twitter and his phone is blowing up with tweets. I follow the exotic birds and they’re actually tweeting. And finally, we heard someone was making a motion picture.
Shawn: Hello. I’m Shawn Spencer and this is my partner Radio Star. I’m afraid your video will kill him.
Lauren Lassiter (April Bowlby): What must it be like to have the privilege to work alongsidemy brother every day. Isn’t he amazing?
Gus: You’re amazing. The way you press that record button and whatnot.
Lauren: He used to run hurdles in high school until he sprained his groin.
Shawn: You know, Gus here doesn’t have a groin. And that’s a true story. {Lauren walks off}
Gus: Why?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re being super creepy.
Gus: I’m out. You got this alone.
Shawn: Are you serious?
Gus: I’m dead serious. I don’t even like bears in fables, Shawn. Goldilocks was a crazy blonde shorty for goin’ up in that house in the first place.
Shawn: Don’t say shorty.
Gus: Shorty.
Shawn: You’re on the wooded path to nowhere!
Gus: I just don’t like bears Shawn.
Juliet: Where’s the bear, Shawn?
Shawn: What would possibly make you believe I have any idea where this bear is.
Juliet: Oh, well first off, someone called in a tip about a tiny blue car driving an enormous trailer down Mariposa. Secondly, I am dating you and I know when you’re lying. And third, there are like three packets of tartar sauce on your doorstep.
Juliet: Just so you know, if you go to prison Shawn, I will not wait for you.
Shawn: You won’t have to, I’ll escape. We both know that.
Cody Blair (Michael Gross): This is highly unorthodox.
Shawn: I can assure you, you will not feel that way after I prove to you that this bear did not kill its trainer. You can enter that unto the record.
Lassiter: Spencer, this isn’t a coutroom, there are no records.
Shawn: Permission to treat this man as a hostile witness.
Blair: No.
Shawn: Quick sidebar?
Blair: Absolutely no.
Shawn: Should we poll the jury?
Blair: Negative.
Shawn: May I try on your robe, Judge?
Blair: If you’ll excuse me.
Shawn: Zack and Miri Make a Porno? {thumbs down}. Goodbye, Seth.
Shawn: Now Lauren, please remember, if anyone ever makes a movie out of your documentary, I would like to be played by Cillian Murphy. Because it’s unexpected. It’s odd. People will talk. Obviously, Stoney Jackson will play Gus. And Fyvush Finkel will play my father. Now he’s probably going to want to do it with a lisp, but… That actually feels right to me.
Lassiter: You murdered your neighbor over two feet. You were at war with each other.
Shawn: Like Belushi and Akroyd.
Lassiter: Yes! In Trading Places.
Shawn: Neighbors.
Lassiter: I gave it a shot.
Gus: Know the feeling.
Yang 3 in 2D
1990
Present Day