Pilot
1986
Santa Barbara, CA
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): How many hats?
Young Shawn (Josh Hayden): Come on, Dad!
Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake. How many hats are in the room?
Young Shawn: Does a beanie count?
Henry: What do you think?
Young Shawn: Three.
Henry: Describe them.
Young Shawn: That’s not fair!
Henry: Time’s almost up, Shawn.
Waitress: That’s amazing.
Henry: It’s adequate. Get him his cake.
Waitress: I guess I know what you’re going to be when you grow up.
Young Shawn: Oh. I’m never going to grow up, ma’am.
2006
…still Santa Barbara
Waitress: You didn’t tell me you were a cop.
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Oh no no no. Definitely not a cop. Does that disappoint you?
Waitress: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: Oh I definitely have handcuffs.
Shawn: So which questions might those be?
Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Oh I don’t know, like “Where were you the night of the last robbery?”
Shawn: I was robbing the stereo shop. {silence} I wasn’t. I don’t know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing: not solving crime.
Shawn: Woah woah woah. I gave you the guy.
Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn: I have to find that guy? I’m confused. When do you start chipping in?
Shawn: Don’t you try and trivialize police work.
Lassiter: I think you’re doing a bang up job of that yourself.
Lucinda (Anne Dudek): Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That’s all we need. How did you get this information?
Lassiter: No! It is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him!
Shawn: Book— ? Oh come on, cuffs? For the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda (Anne Dudek): Or you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn: I— Okay! Okay. Fine. You win. I got the information because… I am a psychic.
Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Desk Sergeant Allen: Please. Feel free to call anytime.
Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch. {they touch fingers} Boop!
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Heard about what you did in there.
Shawn: Oh, you’re welcome.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, “Improbable. Possible. Yet unlikely.”
Shawn: It’s hard to explain. I’m gifted. I was born that way.
Chief Vick: I knew your father. He was a good cop. You’re nothing like him.
Shawn: I’ll take that as a compliment, ma’am.
Chief Vick: Don’t ever call me ma’am.
Shawn: Am I still free to go?
Chief Vick: Not exactly. Are you familiar with the McCallum family?
Shawn: McCallum. Yeah. They own half the hill.
Chief Vick: Well there’s been a kidnapping.
Shawn: Oh come on. I had nothing to do with that.
Chief Vick: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case. What I need is a miracle. Or a facsimile of one.
Shawn: I have a job for you.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill):I already have a job.
Shawn: They’re paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on. Left hand spacebar, right hand arrow keys. Gus. You should ask me a challenging question once in awhile just for kicks.
Shawn: So you’re not interested in hearing about doing the thing we’ve been dreaming about doing since we were eight? I’ve got us the last job we will ever need.
Gus: Shawn, you’ve had fifty-seven jobs since we left high school.
Shawn: Yes I have. And they were all fun. But this one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.
Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the weiner mobile?
Shawn: I did that for the hot dogs.
Shawn: Look Gus, all those jobs I took because I wanted the experience. But then I mastered it and I moved on. But this job has a little bit of everything. Come with me.
Gus: Ah. No. I’m never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice.
Shawn: Okay. This is hard to explain but I’m going to give it a shot. You and I are opening our own private detective agency.
Gus: Oh. See. No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.
Shawn: But you’re not getting your coat!
Gus: Ah, no. No, Shawn. No I’m not.
Shawn: Okay, you wanna sweat the details, fine. The cops think I’m a psychic and now we are investigating a kidnapping!
Gus: You’re serious?
Shawn: Yes! I am serious.
Shawn: Gus, let’s just be clear on one thing. The only way they can absolutely prove I’m not a psychic is if I tell them. And I can guarantee you that is the one thing I will never do.
Shawn: What are you, Lamaze breathing?
Gus: It helps. I cover a few birthing centers.
Shawn: Just let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart.
Lucinda: Mr. Spencer, the sketch artist is here for you.
Shawn: Sketch artist?
Lucinda: The chief insisted.
Shawn: Interim chief.
Lucinda: Yeah. You call her that.
Shawn: Gus. I hate to imagine what the rest of your plan was.
Gus: How did you get in? {he shows him the key in the fake rock}
Shawn: Far less effective on a second floor landing.
Shawn: He had help.
Gus: Who?
Shawn: This guy on the end. Malcolm Orso. Only member of this crew that didn’t go on to fame or fortune. Or rehab.
Shawn: Dude, I’m so excited. This is my first use of spy technology.
Gus: Okay, let’s call the cops. No no no. Let’s call the chief. That’s what we’re going to do, call the chief. Yeah.
Shawn: No no no. No no no. Gus. Gus. We don’t call anyone.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Then later, at headquarters, I suddenly and miraculously have a vision.
Gus: A vision?
Shawn: A vision of stuff we saw. Like, ah, like the road sign with two bullet holes. Like the red kayak, the yellow kayak. And the highway. With numbers. “Oh, I’m seeing…. What am I seeing? Eight three one…”
Gus: We’re on highway 138.
Shawn: Exactly! In the spirit world things get jumbled and out of sequence!
Shawn: All right, let me do the talking.
Gus: Is there even an option.
Shawn: Just make sure you act in awe of me when they come to say I was totally right. Oh and maybe a little afraid. Like my powers could possibly be used for evil.
Shawn: I just need to speak to the witnesses again.
Chief Vick: The McCallum family has been through enough. And this conversation is over.
Gus: Thank you. We parked in the parking structure. Do you validate?
Gus: Make no mistake, Shawn. I will kill you.
Shawn: Okay. I appreciate the fact that you think you can beat me up. But I think our last scuffle proves otherwise.
Gus: Are you talking about the Cinnamon Festival?
Shawn: Yes! You do remember.
Gus: Okay, first of all? I was six. And I had a cast.
Shawn: Which many would consider as a clear advantage. It’s like having a weapon attached to your arm.
Lucinda: You don’t give up, do you?
Shawn: I do give up. All the time. But not until the moment is right.
Shawn: Hey Dad.
Henry: Shawn.
Shawn: You didn’t tell me you moved back.
Henry: You didn’t tell me you moved away.
Shawn: That was different.
Henry: Was it?
Shawn: Yeah, I was busy trying to help my mom through her divorce.
Henry: Well it’s nice to see you too, son.
Henry: Shawn, this is just like everything else. Three months from now, you’re going to be on a bus going to Minneapolis because you found your calling in life as a weatherman.
Shawn: It’s not like that this time.
Shawn: I’m not soft. I’m sharper than I’ve ever been.
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: No way. I’m not seven—
Henry: Close your eyes. Any longer, I’ll think you’re cheating.
Henry: Shawn, you want my advice. Go out, get yourself a real job. Grow up. And in the meantime you might want to ask yourself who you’re trusting in this case that maybe you shouldn’t. Because obviously you’re overlooking somebody.
Gus: It was her. You’re dating the murderer.
Shawn: Not exclusively.
Gus: Should we call the cops?
Shawn: Too late for that.
Gus: You could pretend you had a vision of a girl that totally manipulated you.
Mr. McCallum (Don S. Davis): This is highly inappropriate, Mr. Spencer. The investigation is over.
Shawn: What if they got the wrong man?
Mr. McCallum (Don S. Davis): And who would the right man be?
Shawn: You.
Shawn: My very first case and I’m already being threatened.
Lassiter: You know, it’s times like this I remember why I love my job so much.
Gus: Any time Shawn.
Shawn: He’s getting cocky, give it a sec.
Lassiter: Seriously. How?
Shawn: I wish I knew.
Henry: So are you going to continue with this little charade?
Shawn: Well it sort of gives me carte blanche, you know? I can work cases for the department, I can do private jobs. In fact I’ve already got another case.
Henry: Be aware. This is the last time I cover for you, pal. I’m not okay with this, Shawn. Any of it. {Shawn notices his press clipping}
Shawn: I don’t expect you to be, Dad.
Shawn: Awesome!
Gus: Psych? As in “gotcha”?
Shawn: Or. As in “psychic”.
Gus: You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why don’t you just name it, “Hey, we’re fooling you and the police department. Hope we don’t make a mistake and someone dies because of it.”
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long. It would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way to convince people you’re not lying to them is to tell them you are.
Gus: Just for today, right?
Shawn: Absolutely.
Spellingg Bee
Shawn: Excuse me. You’re in my seat.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): Am I?
Shawn: Actually yes, you are.
Juliet: Are you one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair and eat the same food every day?
Shawn: Ah, no no. I was sitting right there three minutes ago and then I went outside to get myself a paper. I ordered juice. And look, I made a crawly snake with the straw wrapper. You can finish it if you think you’re up to the job.
Juliet: I’m sorry. Do you want me to move?
Shawn: Not anymore.
Shawn: Can I get a name work with?
Juliet: Juliet.
Juliet: Okay, do we know each other?
Shawn: Yes. You are the girl who stole my seat!
1989
Spell Master: Thirty seconds, Mr. Guster.
Young Gus (Isaiah Brown): A… G… G… Let me start over. Aggiornamento. A-G-G… {Shawn keeps mouthing “O”} O? {he’s out}
Present Day
Shawn: What are you watching?
Gus: Nothing.
Shawn: Dude, is that Korean porn?
Shawn about the Spelling Bee: Did they bump the car washing championships for this? And is it over soon, because I’d like to get back to the woodcarving finals.
Shawn: How come I can’t get you this excited about girls?
Gus: Let’s go Shawn!
Shawn: Or Mexico.
Shawn: Oh come on, dude. You’re not bored at all?
Gus: Do you know how to spell any of these words?
Shawn: Proudly. I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under “things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed.”
Gus: The comfort room. This is where you go to deal with missing a word.
Shawn: Oh yeah? Where do they take you to deal with missing your entire childhood?
Ms. Foote (Christine Willes): You may have five minutes with each contestant. No more. If the room is needed you’ll be asked to vacant. I’ll begin with the eliminated contestants.
Shawn: Um, actually we’d only like to speak to the ones that were still in the competition when the accident occurred. Ms. Foote. And, ah, let’s start with the shifty-eyed ones, shall we?
Gus: It teaches grace under pressure. Poise. Dignity.
Shawn: All things you can get at a hot dog eating contest. Plus: hot dogs.
Shawn: Still studying, huh?
Mother: She loves it. Won’t put that thing down.
Shawn: Well. Kudos on the child-rearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.
Mother: Huh?
Shawn: Okay. Not to belittle this guy’s life. But this just got more interesting than the Woodcarving finals.
Gus: You smell that?
Shawn: Dude, don’t look at me.
Gus: It’s sulfuric.
Shawn: Dude, I am not the one who had the egg salad.
Shawn: I can’t smell anything.
Gus: Well you don’t have the super smeller.
Shawn: Gus, you have got to stop calling your nose that. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man. Call it the tight bouncer. Or the Hexagon.
Gus: Who’s the blonde?
Shawn: Lassiter’s new partner. They transferred his girlfriend.
Shawn: You know what’s wrong with this? all of this.
Gus: Shawn. You’re delirious. You’re upset. You lost control of your bike last night.
Shawn: Gus, I didn’t lose control of anything. Someone tried to kill me or send a very serious message.
Gus: That inhaler is a fake. {Shawn starts laughing} Where are you going?
Shawn: I am going to build a doghouse.
Shawn: What the hell are you doing?
Henry: I’m gonna help you.
Shawn: You’ve never helped me before ever.
Henry: You’ve never asked.
Shawn: I did all that for nothing?
Henry: Nothing? Shawn you’ve never completed anything in your life. Now you have.
Lassiter: Why are you still listening to this crap?
Shawn: Dude, what is your glitch?
Lassiter: You. You’re my glitch. Look, he got nowhere with his little inhaler assignment and then he tells the media that we had a murder scene. Cut him loose, Karen! {she glares at him}. I mean… do whatever you think is best. Chief.
Producer: Hello? We need the word now. Is everything okay? Man something’s wrong. Send security.
Shawn: Uh no. Sorry for the delay.
Give me a word?
A word?
Yeah. Um, something hard but that you can spell.
I can spell anything.
Except aggiornamento.
Give me one!
No. You are not going to be Spellmaster.
Gus, give a word so we can get out of here! We’re so close.
Producer: Everything okay?
Shawn: It’s fine. “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. {slower} “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Definition please?
Shawn: A yellow fruit. Also: a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
Kid: Sentence please?
Shawn: “Anna Banana would like to hear Venus by Bananarama.” Banana.
Gus: You’re using his grocery list!
Shawn: You refused to help me. Now I gotta give them something else. “Mitchum”.
Contestant 16: Mitchum?
Shawn: Yes. “When I go to Albertson’s, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast. And bananas.”
Gus: I could have won that Bee.
Shawn: Yeah, you could have. Thank the Lord you didn’t.
Gus: What is that supposed to mean?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. The guy who wins is saddled forever as the dude who won the spelling bee. I’m sure you would have dealt with it later. But kids—high school kids especially—just ruthless. Judgmental. Horrible little bastards. You wouldn’t have been able to date a cheerleader. They wouldn’t have invited you to any parties. You would have been the object of ridicule. I mean this way you got to be a smart kid and a cool kid. Best of both worlds.
Gus: That’s true. I appreciate that, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah. Best of both worlds. That’s why I had to give you the wrong word.
Gus: You knew that was wrong?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Aggiornamento. Everybody knew it was an “i”.
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece
1985
Young Shawn (Liam James): But we’re just playing.
Henry: Well play right, Shawn. Or don’t play at all.
Present Day
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Dude, I’m on to something big.
Gus: Tailing cops. In a police station?
Shawn: Some monumentally expensive ring just got stolen. I’m gonna get us onto the case.
Shawn: Look. She’s faking her own signature and later there’s evidence that— {Gus smacks his elbow} I feel it. In the ink. Very bad vibes. Strong, squidish vibes.
Chief Vick: I’ll check it out.
Shawn: You’re the sister of the groom. And the maid of honor. And the wedding planner!
Lacey Maxwell: Correct.
Shawn: That is so nice.
Lacey Maxwell: You should see my closet.
Shawn: I am hoping to. But not until I find this ring.
Shawn: If this is some sort of hazing ritual where we’re gonna end up naked in a stream together I’ll need to arrange for a ride home.
Shawn: Here. Let me read your palm.
Juliet: How about just one finger?
Gus: Fantastic. I can’t even have an imaginary boy cat.
Shawn: Gus. A boy cat wouldn’t serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I’m not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Gus: In a related issue, I’m blocking your number on all the phones in the office.
Shawn: If you think that’ll work, I think it’s endearing.
Chief Vick: Let me be perfectly clear. I didn’t see you and we didn’t talk. Call me if you have something. {she walks off}
Shawn: I love her.
Lacey: I went to Europe, painted, slept, ate. Sank a boat. Disappointed?
Shawn: Besotted.
Shawn: Huh. That is about as orange as you can get.
Shawn: Isn’t it kind of weird how the body’s just shoved in here?
Gus: No! What’s weird is there’s a dead guy in a dumbwaiter and we’re standing here staring at it where somebody can find us.
Shawn: Did I forget to mention that we’re hosting the bachelor party?
Shawn: Dude, at least take a traveller.
Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze.
Shawn: What do you mean, like an impersonator?
Gus: No! I think it was actually Patrick Swayze.
Shawn: But Dad throws a curve ball. {pause} No. That was a slider.
Priest: Does all this have anything to do with why these two shouldn’t be married?
Shawn: No, sir. No. It doesn’t at all actually.
Shawn: Because you have magic hands. Which I was… really looking forward to on Friday.
Shawn: Woah woah woah. She’s running? In those heels? really?
Gus: What we have to chase her too?
Gus: You are not going to be my best man.
Shawn: You bet your ass I am. I’ve already picked out which sing I’m singing at the altar.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: You still like Ted Nugent?
Woman Seeking Dead Husband: Smokers Okay, No Pets
1989
Young Shawn: How long do we have to wait?
Henry: Until we catch our bad guy.
Young Shawn: Can I sleep?
Henry: You can’t sleep on a stake out, Shawn.
Present Day
Shawn: Gus, have you tried this chair? It’s a pregnancy chair. We have to get one for the office immediately. My birthing canal has never felt so aligned.
Shawn: I definitely heard the word “psychic”.
Chief Vick: The woman—Raylene—says she visits an occasional psychic. She wasn’t asking for one.
Shawn: No, not in so many words.
Chief Vick: No, not in any words. This is a bank robbery case. We don’t need psychics for a bank robbery case.
Raylene Wilcroft: I have to admit, when I met you at the police station I was intrigued. So I checked your recent track record. It’s amazing. Really.
Gus: It’s a team effort.
Shawn: Not really. I do most of the work.
Gus: Shawn, I don’t know how to break this to you, but you are not psychic.
Shawn: Clue me in on the problem here?
Gus: It’s a big problem when the job requires extensive conversing with the dead.
Shawn: Gus, what is the question that she wants answered? “Where is the money?” Right? That doesn’t require any actual dead guy chit chat. We simply trace his last steps, do a little research and bingo!
Gus: Stop saying “Bingo”. You know how I hate that.
Shawn: Okay fine. Yahtzee.
Gus: We’re not doing it, Shawn.
Shawn: Mahjong?
Shawn: Gus, there are no rules against having a séance. Anyone can have one. It’s like a garage sale or plastic surgery.
Gus: I like the other girl better.
Shawn: Not me.
Shawn: While we’re here we should do some digging.
Gus: Good idea. Why don’t you dig me getting the hell out of here and going to get some sleep.
Shawn: I set you up for that! Lobbed it right over the plate.
Shawn: Okay, what is this thing you have with women in jeopardy. They have a name for this, you know. It’s called the Stockholm Syndrome.
Gus: No, it’s not.
Shawn: Florence Nightingale’s Disease?
Gus: Are you trying to be funny?
Shawn: Nobody’s home.
Gus: Somebody’s here.
Shawn: What, you can see through doors now? That’s the new thing?
Shawn: You lost the money.
David Morrison Wilcroft (Steve Bacic): Yeah. How’d you know?
Shanks: Can you prove you’re a psychic?
Shawn: Sure. Sure. You are… a bank robber. You, ah, did not like prison. You are wearing the same pants that you were released in. And you have packed on a few pounds since you’ve been incarcerated.
Shanks: Okay, we’re going to try this one more time. {he moves in front of Gus} Now, how many fingers? {Gus motions “three”}
Shawn: Dude. You need to stop picking three.
Gus: How did you know the money was in the crypt?
Shawn: I’m bluffing.
Gus: This is not a good time to bluff.
It’s a great time. She was going to kill us.
Gus: He does have nice hair.
Shawn: Yeah. That takes a lot of upkeep though.
9 Lives
1985
Henry: Where’s the ring?
Young Shawn: At the bottom. Now I gotta eat the whole box.
Henry: And where’s the ring now?
Young Shawn: At the top.
Henry: Right. See sometimes Shawn, you don’t have to dig so deep. All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right-side up and then… you get your prize.
Young Shawn: Thanks, Dad!
Present Day
Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Hey did you just sip that?
Shawn: You don’t taste Lassiter’s coffee before you give it to him? That surprises me, Buzz. He’s so particular, with no cream, no sugar.
McNab: It’s three creams, four sugars.
Shawn: Yeah it is.
Shawn: Come on, let me read the witnesses. You know, due diligence.
Lassiter: Spencer, we did the due diligence. It was a suicide. There was no crime. There are no
witnesses.
Shawn: You’re wrong. There is a witness. There’s a cat. I want to talk the the cat. As soon as he’s finished… licking himself. Wow. I’m jealous.
Juliet: That was amazing. How did you do that?
Lassiter: It was a lucky guess.
Shawn: Don’t you get tired of saying that?
Shawn: Just relax and let him do his job. He might find something.
Lassiter: He’s peeing.
Shawn: No. No. He’s drawing your attention to the evidence in the backseat.
Lassiter: By peeing on it.
Shawn: Look, I don’t car what Lassiter says. The cat is not my new partner, Gus. Don’t be ridiculous.
Gus: Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun.
Shawn: He gets car sick.
Shawn has an elaborate flow chart
Gus: What does this mean?
Shawn: I have no idea, but I see it on Numbers all the time and it seems to work.
What are you doing?
Shawn: Turning things upside down to make them right side up. And there’s the prize.
I don’t know why you think I would do this for you.
Shawn: Some say it’s the hair.
Lassiter walking in: Really? Who says that?
Shawn: Claudia Starks only called that helpline because she was stressed about an audition. You call a helpline, they find you dead? That’s not very helpful.
Gus: Are you out of your mind? You rented office space for this?
Shawn: Gus. Don’t be a crazy hooligan. I rented a sign.
Gus: I have no idea what I’d even say.
Shawn: Here’s an opener: “My name is Gus. I have a deep-seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat.”
Weekend Warriors
1986
Henry: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.” Who?
Young Gus: Isaac Newton. Third law of motion.
Henry: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone. Shawn?
Young Shawn: You push, they push back.
Henry: Correct. Why?
Shawn: Because “man is a stupid creature who would rather fight than use its brain.”
Henry: And what idiot said that?
Shawn and Gus: You did.
Present Day
Gus: Is that Lassiter?
Shawn: Yes it is.
Gus: What died on his face?
Shawn: Okay. Either that guy is a phenomenal actor. Or he’s dead.
Shawn: George, I heard you got married, but wow. Huh
George Cheslow: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what’s wrong with this picture. But where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Shawn: Everywhere, man.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, if you can’t names names, I’m afraid he’s right this time.
Shawn: Fine. I’ll get you a name. {to Lassiter} And I’m gonna get you a woman. {he leaves}
Lassiter: Afraid he’s right? This time?
Griffin Mahoney (Peter Michael Goetz): The inscription. What would you like it to say?
Henry: “Shawn, Don’t lose this watch. Henry Spencer.”
Mahoney: Spencer?
Henry: What? Too much?
Mahoney: No no. Just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name.
Elaine: Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn’t want to be interrupted, but there’s a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
Gus: Crunch?
Shawn: Actually I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.
Shawn: Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars. Living history. Eating beans and rotten meat with men who reek of valor!
Gus: There’s just one thing you considered in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.
Shawn: That’s not true. I’ve considered everything.
Gus: Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?
Shawn: What? I don’t…
Gus: What role would I play
the midst of all those hard core, down-to-the-last-detail Civil War reenactors? Would I be…
Shawn: No. Gus. No.
Shawn: I was thinking Glory. I was thinking Denzel.
Gus: Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?
Shawn: No. The other Denzel. Of course!
Shawn: Dude, the police accounted for all the Union soldiers, but nobody’s considered that the murderer could have come from this side. I mean after all, this was the bad side, right?
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: Wait. This doesn’t track. Why kill Sally? She’s hot. They’re friends. She even wrote his insurance policy— {there’s an explosion outside}.
Gus: That was C-4.
Shawn: That didn’t come from the battlefield, it came from the south. I solved the crime!
Gus: No I did!
Shawn: I said it first!
Gus: I solved it five minutes ago!
Shawn: I found the button near the tree. I solved it first. Tap tap, no take backs.
Mahoney: Back off. Back off. This gun is loaded. {he marches the two out into the hall to find the rest of the regiment aiming at him}
Shawn: Yes. But mine are so much bigger.
Who Ya Gonna Call?
1986
Henry: You can’t run away from the bad guys forever, Shawn. Eventually you gotta come up with a new approach
Young Shawn: So?
Henry: So. Find one.
Henry: Not bad. You faced your fears, you got a new result, and you came out ahead. Did you really memorize those test answers.
Young Shawn: Yeah. {Henry picks up the phone} Who’re you calling?
Henry: Your math teacher.
Present Day
Gus: You contacted a temp agency without consulting me?
Shawn: Gus, anyone can get a secretary from a temp agency. It takes real foresight and creativity to get one from a modeling agency.
Shawn about Juliet: Look how cute she is in hot fuchsia.
Shawn: Okay, why have I been drawn here? Was there a murder? Do I need the little booties for the crime scene?
Lassiter: Thanks, but we’re doing just fine.
Juliet: Don’t go in the backroom. {she lifts the crime scene tape} My grandpa loved Pete Rose.
Lassiter: I thought I told you no.
Shawn: But your eyes said yes. {distracting him} Hey! Who’s that Cincinnati Red over there with the bowl cut.
Shawn: Mr. Duncan—Robert. How can we help you and can I call you Bob?
Robert Dunne (Frank Whaley): This is difficult.
Shawn: Take your time. We’re here. Come on.
Robert: I’m just going to say it. I’m being haunted!
Gus: Haunted?
Shawn: Robert. We deal with this kind of problem all the time. What you need to realize is that evicting a spirit is a very time-consuming and absurdly expensive process.
Shawn: You only forgot one thing.
Gus: Really? What?
Shawn: There’s no such thing as ghosts.
Shawn: The old Indian burial ground, you bought that? I got that from Poltergeist. Or Poltergeist 2…. Gremlins? No, it wasn’t Gremlins.
Gus: You got the floor.
Shawn: Aw, we’ll make it work. You don’t mind if I nude-up for the sleep over, right?
Shawn: Meanwhile, I’m going to do some sit-ups. Come hold my feet. {he gets down on the floor}. I’m going to do a thousand!
Gus: Why are you looking at me like that?
Shawn: That’s all you did? Check the doors and windows?
Gus: Yeah, why? {Shawn dabs the lipstick off his forehead} Where did that come from?
Shawn: Don’t look at me. I don’t wear lipstick.
Shawn: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the Policeman’s Ball?
Gus: We don’t have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.
Gus: What happened?
Shawn: I might have dropped six allergy pills in your frosty will you were peeing.
Gus: You did what? Where are we?
Shawn: Palo Alto!
Amy: A girlfriend of mine saw him in a club with another woman. He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was—get this—Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? Roy Scheider’s character from Jaws?
Amy: Yes! How’d you know?
Shawn: Well… I’ve seen Jaws.
Shawn about their suspect: That guy’s like a whippet.
Gus: Don’t touch that! It’s blood.
Shawn: It’s not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.
Shawn: —And this tortured soul might be less tortured with a latex enamel. He wouldn’t get these messy drips.
Shawn: Unless he has that personality thing.
Gus: What personality thing?
Shawn: Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The multiple personality disease. You know, that whats-her-name had. The Flying Nun and the other thing… ah… on TV.
Shawn: Smokey and the Bandit?
Gus: Yeah, dude. Smokey and the Bandit. Yes.
Gus: Is it in Norma Rae?
Shawn: No. That would have made that movie a lot cooler.
Regina: I can’t tell you how glad I am that you got my message. {Regina puts her hand on Gus’ shoulder} So… do you think you could help me? Please?
Shawn: Dude.
Shawn: Unless you’re going to ask her out, I think we’re done here. How do we get Robert back?
Gus: I have no idea.
Shawn: But you’re her very special friend.
Shawn: Gus. You know I can’t fire people. They look too sad.
Gus: This was your idea, figure it out.
Shawn vs. the Red Phantom
1986
Henry: Where’d these comics come from? Gus, right? Come here. Well at least you’re not a tattle tale.
Young Shawn: What’s the big deal? All the kids read them.
Henry: Well, all the kids don’t live in this house and all the kids don’t have a police officer as a father, Shawn.
Young Shawn: So what?
Henry: So these things make cops look like idiots who would rather flash a signal in the sky than do real police work. They set a bad example.
Young Shawn: They do not!
Henry: Shawn, don’t argue with me.
Henry: Shawn, these things are a fantasy. Real heroes do not wear a cape and they don’t wear their underwear on the outside. The guys who wear capes? They’re on angel dust.
Present Day
Juliet: Okay, you have five seconds to— Actually, you know what? Stay right there.
Shawn: Indecisive. I like that.
Gus: How does some eighteen-year-old kid still living at home rate that kind of money?
Shawn: Lemonade stand? That is if, instead of lemons, he’s using heroin.
Shawn: Okay. Okay, I’ll bite. Chocolate Columbo. Where is he?
Gus: Tri Con.
Shawn: What?
Gus: Tri Con. The Triannual Comic Book and Science Fiction Convention is in Santa Barbara this weekend.
Shawn: Do you have any idea what happened when they forgot his blueberries at the Con in San Antonio?! That comb over will be the least of your— You know it’s better… it’s better if you don’t know. It’s how I ended up with a stutter and a wooden pinkie toe.
Shawn: Can’t you just look at porn on the net like every other guy?
George Takei: Why are you telling people you’re my assistants?
Shawn: Because we are your assistants?
George Takei: Excuse me?
George Takei: The last time I was in Chicago I was doing a reading from my autobiography.
Shawn: Right. We booked that.
Shawn: Look George we can stand around and talk all day or we can try to something about solving your blueberry crisis. The choice is yours.
George Takei: Well all right then. Get to it.
Shawn: This place is trashed.
Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.
Shawn: I’m sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?
Gus: He used to trash hotel rooms.
Shawn: Used to. The man has kids now and lives in France.
Gus: You got a better version?
Shawn: Of course I do. How about that lame-o that’s dating Kate Moss.
Gus: He’s British and nobody knows who he is.
Shawn: Okay, fine. Too inside. Stephen Dorff. Always solid.
Juliet: Hey. Any progress?
Shawn: I picked up Malone’s astral trail. That’s what it’s called. It leads to a hotel across from the convention center.
Shawn: Hi. Missing kid, worried mom. Can we get serious here?
Gus: Since when did you get so structured?
Shawn: Since you turned into Urkel and you just became… Jan Brady… Tina Yothers… There’s not, there’s not an exact match for that.
Shawn: I got a date with that Talia girl from the studio in like an hour. A nice romantic walk on the beach to Jim’s. Best scungilli in Santa Barbara.
Gus: Why couldn’t you just talk to her now?
Shawn: Because, Gus, Happy Hour doesn’t start until five.
George Takei: Shawn.
Shawn: GT!
George Takei: The blueberries are still wrong. I requested North Carolina blueberries but they sent me Michigan blueberries. People say I’m crazy but I can taste the difference.
Shawn: I don’t think that’s crazy at all.
Gus: Why did you blame that on me?
Shawn: Dude, we needed a fall guy.
Gus: A can’t be a fall guy in front of one of my heroes, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay, you and I need to create a third imaginary assistant that’s completely incompetent. I think her name should be Beatrice. What say you?
Shawn: Some seriously dark jujumagumbo was done here.
Shawn: Okay, good news: your boss is innocent. Bad news: he just became a face on a milk carton.
Gus: What? What’s happening?
Shawn: Karaoke with George later.
Gus: This is messed up.
Shawn: No, this is messed up. This isn’t a churro.
Gus: I don’t know what this is.
Shawn seeing Talia’s phone: 9-1- Uh oh.
Shawn: Judgment Day? It sounds bad. That’s like the day you get judged.
Gus: In T2 it’s the end of man kind. Though I doubt our kidnapper has first-strike nuclear capabilities.
Shawn: I need help! I must call upon the powers of Magic Head!
Juliet: At which point did you faint?
Lassiter: I did not faint. I was merely resting my eyes momentarily and fell slightly backwards.
Shawn: Hey, I don’t know if it makes a difference. I think you’re a hero.
Juliet: Chief, should you be up and walking?
Chief Vick: Walking? I’m coming into work tomorrow.
Shawn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You need to go home, with your child. Relax. Take a load off. Refresh yourself. January. I think January. Come back in January.
Forget Me Not
1986
Ms. Bodansky: Our next step is the primate habitat.
Young Shawn: Hear that, Trish. Monkeys. We’re going to visit your family.
Young Trish: Knock it off, Shawn.
Present Day
Shawn: Woah woah woah. Okay okay. If we’re gonna do the lip reading game we have to say things that are remotely believable.
Gus: I am.
Shawn: Abs like Bruce Lee?
Shawn: Murder.
Brett Connors (Kurtwood Smith): Yes.
Shawn: There was a murder.
Mr. Connors: Yes. Exactly. A murder. A 187. And I solved it! You bet your ass.
Gus: So what do you need us for?
Mr. Connors: Because, dammit, I can’t remember who’s been killed!
Trish Connors (Ashley Williams): Or who the killer was.
Mr. Connors: Look at you fellahs all grown up. How long’s it been?
Shawn: About a day.
Gus: Less, actually.
Shawn: Dad, this guy’s your friend. He came to me for help.
Henry: Shawn, leave him be. He doesn’t need your help to make him look like an old fool. He deserves better than that.
Shawn: He was mauled by a mountain lion. You don’t find it the least bit coincidental?
Henry: Of course it’s coincidental, Shawn. But it doesn’t make it murder.
Shawn: No, it makes it an episode of When Animals Attack: Santa Barbara.
Shawn seeing the mountain lion: Simba! I am your father.
Gus: I don’t think Mufasa said that.
Shawn: Mufasa. Vader. I’m Not Rappaport. It’s all James Earl Jones.
Gus: I’m Not Rappaport was Ossie Davis.
Shawn: It still works.
Gus: What are you doing? We don’t know anything about delivering warthog babies.
Shawn: Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is: are you allergic to placenta?
Shawn: Mike’s body was found on this trail.
Gus: It’s closed. Now what?
Shawn: Just hold on, let me think a minute. Okay. I have a plan It’s a little crazy, but it might just work.
Gus: What? {Shawn steps over the low-hanging TRAIL CLOSED sign}
Shawn: Dude! We totally made it! We’re in!
Gus: Shawn, in case you’re confused, closed means go away. Stay out.
Shawn: Yes. In the negative language dictionary which is clearly the only version you own. But in the positive language edition, closed means “Come in. Step over the chain. There’s so many less people to trample all over what you’re looking for.”
Shawn: Gus you know what this means?
Gus: The murder didn’t happen here.
Shawn: Exactly. This cat was framed.
Ranger Desoto: I guess you guys can’t read. This area is closed.
Henry! Henry, tell them who I am!
Gus: I think he’s talking to you.
Shawn: Oh god. Please tell me I don’t look like my father.
Gus: You could be his twin.
Shawn: Look at the back of my head. Is my hair starting to thin at all?
Gus: We need a plan. I don’t think we can exactly just ring the buzzer and ask to peek into Mr. Crocker’s medicine cabinet.
Shawn: Why not? That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Why can’t we be from the State Board of Medicine Cabinet Inspectors?
Gus: I don’t know, Shawn. I know I’m right on this one. Let’s think this through.
Shawn: Oh Gus, come on. Let’s go in without a plan, flying by the seat of our pants. It’ll be so much more fun. Trust me.
Lassiter: He wouldn’t do anything stupid, would he?
Shawn: Define “stupid.”
Lassiter: Go after Crocker himself. {they all bolt after him}
From the Earth to Starbucks
198
Present Day
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He’s Dead
1985
Henry: What’s the name of this kid who hit you?
Young Shawn: Elizabeth.
Henry: Who? You got in a fight with a girl?
Young Shawn: Well it wasn’t really a fight. She just punched me.
Henry: Why in the world would she punch you? What happened?
Young Shawn: She asked me to sit next to her at lunch and I did. And then I was eating my tater tots and she just punched me.
Henry: Wait a second, wait a second. What was she doing while you were eating your tater tots?
Young Shawn: I don’t know. She was talking about something.
Henry: What? What was she talking about?
Young Shawn: I have no idea. Just on and on. And I was concentrating on my tater tots.
Henry: Well I’ll be damned. Son, I know what happened. You just had your first date.
Present Day
Lassiter: Hey Spencer.
Shawn: Lassie Face!
Shawn: I’m here to take your statement, find out just exactly what happened.
Fred Turk: Well I don’t really remember much.
Shawn: Funny. It says here you told the desk sergeant you woke up naked in a field with your ass hanging out.
Fred Turk: Yeah, that’s right. But I don’t remember exactly what they look like. It’s all really confusing for me right now.
Shawn: When you say “they” just who are you referring to?
Fred Turk: Aliens.
Fred Turk: Who is that person over there? Because he’s really making me uncomfortable?
Gus: I’m making you uncomfortable right now? Dude. Is there any reason why you’re not wearing any clothes now?
Fred Turk: Hey, I think I might have been abducted, all right? I believe I might have been experimented on! So there’s no way I’m going to touch these clothes and compromise evidence.
Shawn: Okay! Okay, Mr. Turk. Please. Try to get control of your considerable person. Why don’t you cover up with the towel. That’s why it’s there. One size fits all. I hope.
Gus: Are you really going to dismiss the idea that there’s life on other planets?
Shawn: This is what I got. I know he was dragged out there. Otherwise no sign of assault, nothing taken. Other than the embarrassment of waking up naked in a field, we’ve got nothing to hang our hats on. {He glances at the front page photo of a naked Fred}. I guess technically we could’ve hung our hats on it…
Shawn looking at the bell at the front desk: I can’t ring this.
Shawn: Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry: The real question is, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Well, George Hamilton, we’re on a case.
Shawn: Where are they?
Henry: Who?
Shawn: The Queer Eye guys. I know they’re here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
Gus: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
Henry: Carson and Jai. And the guy with the glasses.
Gus: Who cooks the fish.
Henry: Right.
Gus: I think we should get Turk and Keiser in the same room and actually ask them some questions.
Shawn: Fine. Let’s do it. The rule is All slacks, all the time. No exceptions.
Gus: I hear that. I’ve reached my naked man quota for the year.
Marvin (Colin Cunningham): Hello, me buckos! I’m Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans. Home of the world famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Shawn: Hello Marvin. We’re here to speak with the leprechaun.
Shawn: Dude, give me some props. He’s got a hat with a buckle on it, everything’s green.
Gus: What? He’s not a leprechaun.
Shawn to Marvin: Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent will you say magically delicious?
Chief Vick: Let me get this straight. There is a dead body and a murderer loose in our city and you want the Santa Barbara police department to pay for you to go on dates?
Gus: Yes, that’s correct.
Shawn: I mean, I suppose we could split it if we had to. What’s that called? Going, going “deutsche”?
Shawn: Is that your holster?
Lassiter: Of course it is.
Shawn: You’re here to speed date, man. Not shoot somebody.
Lorraine: Love is in the air! I can smell it!
Gus to Shawn: I smell cabbage.
Glenda (Teryl Rothery): What’s your mom’s maiden name?
Shawn: Buzzteats.
Glenda: Wow. Yeah. Teats as in… ?
Shawn: Yeah. All my ancestry were farmers.
Glenda: Oh! Hey, I was raised on a farm.
Shawn: No kidding?
Glenda: I had this most adorable pet goat named Cassie.
Shawn: I think these people might have more luck dating if they’d ask more interesting questions.
Gus: I just hope I don’t get pile-driven.
Gus: Shawn, if you think it’s her let’s tell Lassiter and Juliet and get them to bring her in.
Shawn: You see what happens when we blurt out our theories. We totally whiffed on the tanning salon.
Shawn: Oh, give her the sweetness. Dude, you’ve got to give her the sweetness.
Lorraine: This is a speed dating first! You and you are a one hundred percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love.
Juliet: I need a drink.
Shawn: I gotta pee.
Gus: She keeps wanting to rub my head. What’s up with that?
Shawn: Gus. Everybody wants to run your head.
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: Detective O’Hara.
Gus: Shawn, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Bowling. At a high level.
Shawn: Look, might they have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold-blooded killer? Sure. But what id they really fall in love, Dad?
Shawn: You deserve someone special. Someone who makes you feel safe but also a little dirty, know what I’m talking about?
Shawn: …and you deposited them naked in a field. Where they woke up, disoriented, grassy-assed, but none-the-wiser.
Shawn: Dude. Jerk chicken.
Gus: Oh you know that’s right.
Cloudy, Chance of Murder
1985
Young Shawn: Dad, why do those people get better seats than us?
Henry: Shawn, those people aren’t just watching the trial. Those people are the trial. They’re the jurors. And they are the most important people in this room.
Present Day
Shawn: Gus, they impounded my motorcycle without warning.
Gus: I’m pretty sure the warning was the nine hundred dollars worth of parking tickets you racked up.
Shawn: Still, man. You can’t take a man’s means of transportation away. It’s like unconstitutional or something.
Gus: I’m pretty sure it’s not in the Constitution.
Shawn: Oh don’t be so sure. I think it says, “Thou shalt not something, or covet something. Don’t mess with Texas. Or the right of transportation.”
Shawn: I can’t watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It’s like every newscast starts with a lie.
Gus: There’s a mountain of evidence against this lady. Look . They call her the School Marm Murderer.
Shawn: Okay, first of all, there’s a question mark at the end of that. They call her the School Marm Murderer?
Gus: You know I was pre-law once. I should have stuck with it.
Shawn: You were never pre-law.
Gus: Well I was pre-pre-law. Sixth grade. It was an accelerated program.
Lassiter: Just don’t screw this one up. {he walks away}
Shawn: “Screw this one up”? Hey, Lassie, that wasn’t much of a putdown. In fact it was rather… somewhat inspiring. Lass! Let’s roll that back.
Adam Hornstock (Michael Weston): Can we please go before Dyrecki gets back?
Shawn noticing the wedding ring: Carter Dyrecki just left for a nooner with his mistress. We have at least two hours. {he notices his photo}. Maybe an hour and a half.
Judge: Do you know this man?
Lassiter: I do.
Judge Horace Leland: And has he worked on cases for the department?
Lassiter: He has.
Shawn: There you have it!
Judge Leland: And he was helpful?
Lassiter: Absolutely. {he sits back down}
Shawn to the stenographer: Did he just say absolutely through a half-smile? I’d like you to print it out, please. I’m thinking of shellacing it on a nice piece of paper. Maybe a little decoupage.
Shawn: Hey. What would Phelps need to get authenticated?
Adam: I don’t know. HIs little collection of green army men?
Shawn: H-Stock, did you just make a joke?
Juliet: You know, Shawn, for a psychic, you are missing something right in front of your face. It’s too bad. You might actually learn something about Lassiter maybe you don’t want to.
Shawn: He waxes his back?
Juliet: I’m going to go now. Shawn, I don’t care what anyone else says. The pink shirt is working for you.
Gus: Okay, that was cryptic.
Shawn: Not really. I’ll be damned.
Shawn: Judge, I argue that this tape should not be admissible.
Judge Leland: On what grounds?
Shawn: Well. We are citing unfair surprisery.
Phelps: I still don’t understand why he is in this room. He is nothing but a
Gus: She doesn’t realize she’s being taped.
Shawn: Nope. I don’t think this is his first barbeque either, if you know what I mean.
Shawn: You will do anything you can to impose your will on me. You hated that bike. You have always hated that bike! And you’ve been especially hard-assed about it since I—
Henry: Since you what, Shawn? Since you what, since you had your accident? Is that where your old man crossed line fine? I’ll tell you what, I will back off. I’m gonna lay off it. I’ll tell you what you do. You take me off your call list the next time the ambulance picks you up and brings you in that door. All right? Fair. Get over yourself, kid. Or at least learn how to park.
Shawn: I feel the tape is the proof! The tape is the pudding!
Phelps: Your honor, I said objection. I demand you get him to stop that!
Judge Leland: Sit down. Do you need a tutorial in the rule 775?
Shawn: Clouds don’t kill people. People kill people.
Buzz: I believe this is yours. They just pulled it from the auction.
Gus: Pulled it from the auction?
Shawn: I’ve been practicing my paddle raise. It’s a subtle move.
Buzz: Yeah, you’ve got your bike back. It was taken care of internally.
Shawn: What does that mean, “internally”?
Buzz: I don’t know. They just gave me the paperwork.
Lassiter walking out from the back: What are you looking at? Go home!
Game, Set… Muuurder?
1985
Henry: You both know that I have a partner on the force, right?
Young Gus and Shawn: Yes sir.
Henry: Well we couldn’t do our job if we didn’t trust each other completely. There are rules to our partnership and they are the same rules to our friendship. Even Battleship. But those rules don’t work without what?
Young Gus and Shawn: Trust sir.
Present Day
Shawn: That’s funny, it sounded like someone just said “sharing stick.” Dude, get out of there!
Gus: I have no choice. I hate the stupid sharing stick! But I couldn’t get out of this even if I wanted to.
Shawn: I’ve taken care of that already.
Shawn: Mr. Sirtis, the spirits can be… bashful. Sometimes grumpy. Sleepy. Dopey.
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Sneezy.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: What I’m saying is, they won’t talk to me unless no one’s in the room except myself and my compatriot.
Gus: That’s me.
Gus: Cameras in her room? Can you say control freak?
Shawn: Can you say “typical sports dad”?
Shawn: Ah yes. Jessica Chan. And how long was eternity for the two of you?
Gus: Three months. But they were awesome months. Except for the end part.
Shawn: Right. I’ve never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program.
Gus: She wasn’t lying, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.
Gus: You can’t be sure of that.
Shawn: She was wearing a nametag. She had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding and lying about hiding.
Shawn: We find the mystery lover, we find her.
Gus: Dude, why don’t I ever get to say stuff like that?
Gus: This is my Airwolf windbreaker. I’ve been looking for this for like five years now. Why’d you take this? I never even seen saw you wear it!
Shawn: I didn’t take it to wear it. I took it so you wouldn’t.
Shawn: What just happened here?
Gus: I think your dad just made his first play date.
Eve: You know what her weakness was?
Shawn: Kittens?
Eve: Focus! All she ever thought about was boys.
Eve about Deanna: Just watch. In five years she’ll be knocked up and living in government-assisted housing.
Shawn: It’s good to see the game hasn’t hardened you.
Chief Vick: Unless you can give us something more substantial, Mr. Spencer, we’re going to continue the manhunt for Felix Alvarez.
Shawn: Manhunt? Hey, I can project Tommy Lee Jones from The Fugitive, if you’d like. “I want a hard target search for every outhouse, penthouse, henhouse, waffle house, House, MD!” House of Long Shadows?
Shawn: I worked on the mono-theo-huxtable drug. It’s for pancake-reatic function.
Gus: Pancreatic.
Shawn: Actually, no. Burton. It was pancake.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes. There are properties in the batter that help to stabilize the ions we were working with.
Woman: I never heard of that project.
Shawn: It was a great drug. But it caused headaches. Stomaches. Toothaches. Weight gain, weight loss. Balding. Severe oily bowel discharge. And in very rare cases it made you pee fire.
Tom: Wow.
Shawn: Given what we already know, does she know her attacker?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Does that mean when she wakes up she can ID him?
Gus: She ID’s him and the case is closed. Where’s the downside?
Shawn: Except for the bad guy would know the victim can wake up and point the finger at him. {Gus stops him}
Gus dramatically: He’ll find her and finish her off.
Shawn: You’re just not landing it.
Shawn: The raven crows only at midnight. Dusk is for the rooster’s cackle.
Juliet: What?
Shawn: Jules, that’s your cue to cackle.
Juliet: Shawn, I don’t have a cackle in my repertoire.
Shawn: Well you called for this secret meeting, we should use code speak in case people are listening.
Shawn: Look, without protection you might as well just send the killer an invitation saying, “Hey! Come on back, finish the job.” {pause} I wonder if they make invitations for that kind of thing.
Juliet: I don’t see why not. You can send an evite for anything.
Shawn: This is true.
Juliet: One more thing: roosters don’t cackle.
Shawn: I beg your pardon.
Juliet: They cock-a-doodle-doo.
Henry: Now let’s go to the second crime scene. To the apartment where she was found.
Shawn: Can we stop and get donuts?
Henry: Shawn. Focus.
Shawn: Gus, what time do you have?
Gus: Where’s your watch at?
Shawn: It’s a key tanning month.
Shawn: You know what? I’m starting to wonder if you have serious trust issues with me.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes! First you wouldn’t do the minefield. Now you won’t lay on the floor and pretend to be an unconscious woman—for me. What’s going on with you?
Gus: Two words. Airwolf windbreaker.
Shawn: Okay. Two more. Airwolf windbreaker.
Gus: Battleship.
Shawn: Dude, that was like a million years ago.
Gus: I’m just saying.
Shawn: I never cheated again.
Shawn: Now the landlord’s statement said the body was here in a supine position. So. Please. If you will.
Gus: Sure. Just… tell me what supine means.
Landlord: What the heck’s going on?
Shawn: Nothing.
Landlord: Nothing? Is that guy dead?
Shawn: Now you’ve seen too much.
Landlord: I didn’t see anything.
Shawn: Yeah, you did. You’re in this just as deep as I am now. We’re going to have to work together.
Landlord: Okay.
Shawn: I assume this building has an incinerator, yeah?
Landlord: Yeah.
Shawn: Okay. We just have to chop up the body, and, ah, put the limbs in little plastic baggies. The torso we’re going to have to melt down of course.
Gus jumping up: Okay, I’ve heard enough.
Gus: So. The prophecy’s been fulfilled.
Shawn: Hm. {pause} What? What are you talking about? What prophecy?
Gus: Nothing, I just figured it was finally my chance to say something dramatic.
Shawn: Battleship rematch?
Gus: You know that’s right.
Poker? I Barely Know Her
1985
Henry: No more poker, no more gambling. You’re too young.
Young Shawn: Dad, I don’t gamble. I win.
Henry: You win? Oh. And approximately how often do you lose?
Young Shawn: I don’t know.
Henry: You don’t know.
Young Shawn: Well I haven’t lost yet.
Present Day
Gus: Okay. Double-or-nothing. Trivia question this time. History.
Shawn: Grover Cleveland.
Gus: Damn! How do you do that?
Shawn: It’s the sweetness.
Shawn: Oh my god. Dad. What are you doing here?
Henry: Nice. Is that the way you greet all the people that come through your door?
Shawn: That’s exactly how I greet everyone. Maybe that’s why business is down.
Shawn: Or perhaps you’re referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Problems at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I’d have to kill you. Which I can’t do because my license to kill has been revoked.
Shawn: Believe it or not we have an eleven o’clock. So maybe we should wrap this up.
Henry: It’s a little too late for that, Shawn. I am your eleven o’clock.
Henry: If I had known that Peterson was going to insist on hiring you, I would have blasted your character outright and I would have mentioned your unnatural fear of pointy things.
Shawn: Ah! Distaste for pointy things.
Henry: Please. Just do me this one favor. would you listen to the man’s story. Tell him you can’t help and send him to the cops. And whatever you do, don’t do it with all that rolling your eyes around and all that… floppy crap.
Shawn: First of all, I don’t flop around all the time. My game is predicated on finesse.
Bill Peterson (Dan Lauria): I need to find my son. Can you help?
Gus: Well, Mr. Peterson, this sounds like a case for the police. Let me get you a number.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be a gooey chocolate chip cookie. This is precisely what we do here, sir. We find people. We’ll find your Brandon.
Shawn as a player is about to lose a finger: Well Gus. It appears there’s a seat opening up. Still, I think our best course of action would be to— {snip}
Gus: Get the hell out of here.
Shawn: I will now become a conduit to your son’s thoughts. Please. Clear your mind and your nasal passages. This of nothing but Brandon and those chips. Gus, present spuds!
Shawn: Woah woah, woah. Wait a second here. Time out.
Gus: What?
Shawn: You’re BigKitty75?
Gus: Yeah. As in “the kitty”. You know, the pot.
Shawn: The Kitty?
Gus: Yes. 75.
Shawn: Seventy-four other BigKitties came before you?
Gus: Yes, Shawn. There were seventy-four.
Shawn: It took someone cashing in a very old favor to get us involved at all. Now you are not going to be able to play your way out of this hole, baby boy. So pack it in. Pull the plug. Shut it down. Leave the dead meat in the freezer and put on your Sunday best, ’cause it’s Arbor Day, baby!
Brandon Peterson (Kris Lemche): You know what, I screwed up on my own, I am going to face him on my own.
Shawn: That’s very Cameron Frye of you.
Brandon: It’s Cameron who?
Shawn: Wow. Are we that much older than you?
Shawn: Something’s bothering me, dude. I’m never wrong.
Gus: You’re always wrong. What are you talking about?
Shawn: You should be a better poker player, Gus. That was a pretty good bluff.
Ronnie: You think you can mess with my head too?
Shawn: Here’s the thing: I’m a psychic. So if I had to guess, which I don’t, I’d say yes. Yes. I can mess with your head. And I can put an entire sandwich in your hair.
Shawn: The chips say you’re a cheater cheater pumpkin-eater.
Berger: Is that right?
Shawn: Yeah.
Berger: If you were psychic, I wouldn’t be cleaning your clock right now.
Shawn: “Cleaning my clock”? What does that mean, Berger? What, you take time out of your day to clean another man’s timepiece? And if so, that would be a bad thing?
Scary Sherry: Bianca’s Toast
Halloween Night, 1987
Young Shawn with his eyes covered: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Young Gus: Not even sort of.
Exactly Twenty Years Later… Give or Take Ten Minutes
Juliet: Yesterday, I went and I had a Himalayan mani-pedi. Yeah, at first it was just to get the other girls to talk, but then I realized my cuticles have been completely taken for granted.
Shawn: Jules. You realize we’re the only ones who can see or hear you.
Juliet: I’m here but I’m not. Get it?
Shawn: Gus, what’s the word?
Gus: That would be “mum”.
Shawn: Wow. Slow build. Half-meow. Unexpected. Didn’t see the end coming at all.
Shawn: Hey buddy. Good news. I just got a fax confirming that the city of Santa Barbara has unanimously voted you Exorcist of the Year.
Gus: Okay. Make all your little jokes, but I know who was right on my ass all the way to the car.
Shawn: I had no choice. You were my ride home.
Gus: Shawn, you were screaming too.
Shawn: Yes. I was screaming, “Gus. Stop. Let’s be brave.”
Shawn: Gus you’re on fire!
Gus: Thank you.
Shawn: The copycat suicide angle literally goes out the window.
Shawn: If you come, we can roll earlier. We’ll say we’re working on a case.
Gus: We are working on a case.
Shawn: Sweet. So it’s settled.
Shawn: Gus. There is not such thing as an airtight alibi. And if there is, we’re going to pretend like there isn’t. This girl is Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct. Which makes me Michael Douglas and you George Dzundza. Whose name is actually Gus in the film. Until we have another lead, we assume it’s her. We just have to figure out the how. So far, no answer.
Gus: Okay, first of all? Don’t ever compare my black ass to George Dzundza again, okay?
Shawn: Fair.
Shawn: It hits a little close to home seeing as we were there the first time it happened.
Henry: The first time what happened? Did you open your eyes?
Shawn: Dad, you’ve known me my whole life. Of course I opened my eyes.
Henry: And you guys, you’ve been freaked out about this your entire life?
Gus: I don’t even drive by that place. {Henry starts laughing}
Shawn: I really don’t think it’s funny. It was a very scary thing for two young boys. Certainly puts a new spin on the nanny in The Omen.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Henry: Shawn, how much did you two see?
Shawn: We didn’t actually see “it”.
Gus: Luckily he missed the grisly bitter end.
Henry: Luckily?
Gus: Yes, luckily. I covered his eyes, but we know what happened.
Henry: I beg to differ. I think you two missed one very small but important detail. She never jumped. {he starts laughing again}
Shawn: What? No. No, no no no. That’s impossible. We saw the window. She was gone.
Henry: Yeah. Because one off-duty police officer pulled her back inside. Scary Sherry Craddock was rehabilitated. I’m pretty sure that she’s married and living in Fresno. Come on, guys. Give me some more credit here. I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.
Shawn: Your big ass mouth.
Gus: I wanted to keep it a secret. You’re the one that was broadcasting it at the lunch table.
Shawn: I can’t believe this.
Gus: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn: That’s dope!
Shawn: Of course. Why mess around with the worker bees when you can kill the queen.
What are you talking about, Shawn?
Shawn: Gus! Alice. She wanted us all at that party, including us. So she could get Mary Lou by herself. This is Silence of the Lambs! Which means we’re both Scott Glenn!
Shawn: Lassie! Our timing is really starting to crackle.
Alice Bundy: What would you have done, Shawn? If it was your best friend. What would you have done?
Shawn: Oh no. Gus!
Shawn: Hey Lassie! {he tosses him a fortune cookie}