Ghosts
1995
Teen Shawn (James Roday): I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for that World’s Greatest Dad mug back.
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): Oh just keep talking, Shawn.
Teen Shawn: You keep talking.
Henry: Oh don’t worry, I will. Like when I read you your rights.
Teen Shawn: Oo. I have rights. That’ll be new and fun.
Henry: What am I going to tell your mother?
Teen Shawn: I don’t know. You think you can get a hold of her new phone number?
Henry: I hope it was worth it, smartass. This officially ends your chance of being a cop.
Teen Shawn: Let’s be honest. I gave up wanting to be like you a long time ago.
Henry: That’s it! Somebody, book him. You! Beanpole. Get over here, fingerprint him now.
Young Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Me?
Henry: Never mind, rookie. I’ll do it myself.
Present Day
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Dude, I’m freaking out. You’ve got to help me.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): What’s wrong?
Shawn: My mom’s here.
Gus: She’s back in the country?
Shawn: Back in the country? Try back in the city. Try downstairs in my dad’s kitchen.
Gus: Where are you?
Shawn: Hiding out in my bedroom. Oh my god. Holy crap! I just found an entire unopened box of shrinky dinks.
Gus: You’re hiding in your bedroom because your mom came to visit? Dude, you’ve got problems.
Shawn: Oh my god. Dude, did you know I had a furby?
Gus: Shawn, I have no time for this. I have my own problems. I have to go see Frankjim Ogletree.
Shawn: Frankjim Ogletree? Is that a person or a hippopotamus?
Gus: He’s the new regional sales manager. My immediate boss. And a tyrant. They call him the Little Pinochet.
Shawn: That’s too abstract. Why don’t they call him Jerk Pants or Suck McJones?
Gus: They’re MIT guys, Shawn.
Shawn: I didn’t even know Walmart had a wine cellar.
Madeleine Spencer (Cybill Shepherd): Shawn, you don’t have to walk me through the whole building. I used to have quite a few sessions here. This is where I met your father
Shawn: I know. I heard the story. It was an evaluation after he shot some drug dealer.
Madeleine: He told you that? He twisted his ankle doing security for the Cinnamon Festival.
Shawn: I have worked out a compromise that will solve all of this.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes. You quit this job—this job you quit! We take on extra cases to make up the difference in salary.
Gus: I make forty-eight grand a year, Shawn.
Shawn: What is that, Yen? Who needs forty-eight thousand dollars to live?
Gus: I need thirty-two. The other sixteen generally goes to you.
Shawn: Don’t be ridiculous.
Gus: I claimed you on my taxes, Shawn!
Shawn: Gus, I’m not budging until we make this nice.
Gus: Alright. You asked for it.
Shawn: Asked for what? {Gus tries to force him out}
Gus: Don’t you dare go boneless on me, Shawn!
Shawn: She made me a pannekoeken. It’s like a pancake, but the size of a manhole cover.
Shawn: Tastes like it was dipped straight out of Willy Wonka’s river.
Gus: Would you get serious?
Shawn: Well he’s not the most gracious host you know. If he had just offered I wouldn’t have to ask.
Shawn: That dog is kind of an a-hole.
Gus: It sees something.
Shawn: Yeah. Urine stains on my pants.
Gus: So what do we do now?
Shawn: I think we stay here. We close the blinds, we lock the doors, we call it a night. Del Taco? Del Taco.
Gus: No. not me. I’m going out there.
Shawn: Are you kidding me?
Gus: Shawn. This is what we do.
Shawn: Dude. Hear me: don’t ever ever put dry ice in your mouth. Doesn’t matter how well you wrap it up.
Shawn: It was pretty simple, really. I even visited Alice Bundy in prison to get a few pointers.
Paul Haversham (Christopher McDonald): What’s your game?
Shawn: I have two games. Red Rover and lawn darts. But we’d need at least four for the most rudimentary game of Rover. And they don’t make lawn darts anymore. Too dangerous. But that’s not why I’m here.
Haversham: So what is this now, a shakedown?
Shawn: Oh there’s no shakedown. I’m just telling you what I know. I’m a psychic. And with great power comes great responsibility. And that responsibility I share with Gus. All we want is the opportunity to continue doing our work.
Haversham: Just between us?
Shawn: I’m a psychic. I can’t lie.
Madeleine: What happened?
Shawn: When?
Madeleine: Between you two.
Shawn: Mom, that is a veritable lifetime of conversations.
Madeleine: What happened? Don’t mince words.
Shawn: With Dad? Look, we were both there. You know. We don’t need to revisit the past.
Madeleine: Maybe we do.
Shawn: Look, I’m not sure I want to forgive him for what happened.
Madeleine: The divorce?
Shawn: It wasn’t what happened, Mom. It was the way that it happened. I mean, let’s call it what it was. He left us. He left you. He ended up with the house and he left you by yourself to pick up the pieces. That’s not exactly what I call hero material, you know?
Madeleine: Shawn. I left him.
Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?
Present Day
Gus: Who put the orange slices in the punch bowl already? They’ll be soggy by the time everyone gets here. This is a disaster, people!
Shawn: Yep. First typhoid fever, now this.
Gus: Shawn, this night has been thirteen years in the making. Everything has to go perfectly. What I need from you is your support and your cooperation. Not your sarcasm and mockery.
Shawn: Alright, fine. Let me know when I can mock. ‘Cause I’m ready to mock.
Gus: Shawn, that isn’t you, is it?
Shawn: No it isn’t.
Gus: It’s Judd Nelson, isn’t it?
Shawn: Yes it is. And it’s sweet sweet nice. Woah. Look who just rolled in. Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy. from Fresh Horses.
Shawn: Dude. You didn’t tell me Abigail Lytar was coing.
Gus: Oh yeah.
Shawn: I should say hello.
Shawn: Abigail Lytar.
Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook): Judd Nelson.
Shawn: In the flesh.
Abigail: I loved you in From the Hip.
Shawn: Did you see that?
Abigail: What, is somebody getting their lunch money stolen?
Shawn: I think it’s a little bigger than that.
Gus: Are you doing this to me on purpose? Are you fabricating some kind of foul play just to mess up the night for me?
Shawn: Yes, I am. I killed someone here at our high school reunion, just to foil your thirteen year retrospective of best pep rally moments.
Gus: Do you even know what a pep captain is, Shawn?
Shawn: It’s a male cheerleader I believe.
Gus: It’s a leader among men, Shawn! A leader among men.
Shawn: Who cheers. I saw Bring It On.
Abigail: Oh wait, I get it. You guys are dating. You’re together. Everything makes sense.
Gus: We are not dating.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? He was voted most likely to succeed. He’s gonna date me?
Gus: No body, no crime, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus! Buddy!
Gus: No body, no crime!
Gus: Lassie. What are you doing at our reunion?
Lassiter: Well first off, of course it had to be yours. ‘Cause that’s my luck. Secondly, I’m on a date.
Shawn: Well we’re on a case and you’re on it with us.
Lassiter: Not tonight, I’m not.
Gus: On a date? With a person?
Lassiter: Yes, with a person!
Gus: Who goes to someone else’s class reunion when they barely even know you?
Shawn: Who goes to Ravi Shankar concert?
Shawn: Mindy, it’s official. You’ve won bitchiest banana.
Lassiter: Let me impart to you a little police wisdom we like to throw around down at the station: no body, crime.
Shawn: What, do you guys put that on a t-shirt?
Lassiter: Fine. Who did it and why?
Shawn: I don’t know, but… I don’t know.
Earlie (Chris Gauthier): Women. Absolutely nothing but heartache, man.
Neil: All they want is the ring, man. They won’t stop ’til they get the ring.
Shawn: Dude, I could not have said it better myself. Maybe clearer. But I agree. And just like you guys, I hope to kiss one. Someday.
Earlie: Exactly. you know, dude, you’re just like us. Marginally employed, single, never been married. I mean, you get it!
Shawn: Okay, what are you wearing?
Juliet: What? You said you were on a case and there were possible criminal suspects down here that might get spooked by cops snooping around.
Shawn: Yeah, but what are you wearing? This is a reunion, not a prom. I need you to fit in.
Juliet: What, this? This isn’t a prom dress.
Shawn: It looks like a prom dress. It’s a little poofy.
Juliet: It doesn’t poof! There’s no poof.
Shawn: There’s slight poof.
Shawn: Who hasn’t seen The Breakfast Club?
Juliet: Mm.
Shawn: Will you please leave? I’m sure the non-descript blazer rental place is about to close.
Gus: What are those?
Shawn: Just a copy of every key in the school. By the end of senior year I managed to become a member of the Transamerican Western Custodial Union Local 456. Don’t hold me to this, but I believe I still have voting privileges.
Shawn: Assuming that Parker Stevenson had never been born, have you ever seen a very attractive man solve a crime before?
Abigail: I did see John Cusack prevent a jaywalking once.
Gus: So what? Now you’re saying that Howie and Eileen are the killers?
Shawn: Yep.
Gus: Wasn’t Howie the victim at one point?
Shawn: Gus, that is so forty minutes ago. I bet you’re still telling your friends to chillax.
Gus: Shawn. Why would two people who just killed someone be so casual? Smiling. Dancing.
Shawn: I agree. It is both surreal and disturbing to watch two murderers do the Cabbage Patch.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be an incorrigible Eskimo Pie with a caramel ribbon. It doesn’t matter what these people think of you. But—and I put this out there as a challenge to you—you really want to show them that you’ve lived up to your potential? Help me solve this case, please. Come on! How many of our classmates are out there solving a murder tonight? Huh? A handful? Maybe? You could be one of them.
Shawn: Ducky!
Gus: What?
Shawn: Dude. We’ve been looking in the wrong John Hughes movie. This isn’t Breakfast Club. Or Curly Sue. Or Mr. Mom. And it certainly isn’t Flubber.
Gus: Why’re you hating on Flubber?
Shawn: I’m not hating on Flubber.
Gus: I’m not following.
Shawn: What do all the best John Hughes movies have in common? A love triangle. There’s always a Ducky.
Shawn: Life is not made up of a single moment. It’s made up of a gazillion moments. What defines us is the choice you make in the next one. And the one after that.
Shawn: Good talk, Dad. I gotta run. {he pauses} Actually, there is one more thing. Do you think I could borrow your underpants? Just for like ten minutes?
Henry: No.
Shawn: Oh come on! We’re already in the car! These are, these are iconic film references I’m making tonight!
Lassiter: Three arrests in one night. Not bad. Please tell me you have the body.
Shawn: It’s the furry saber cat. Offstage.
Shawn: Tonight, for instance, all I could see were scenes from Pretty in Pink, a giant rhombus and a t-shirt that read “Soccer Moms are Easy.”
Shawn: The truth is, Abigail, I think I liked you too much. And somewhere in the back of my head, I knew what that night might mean and even how my life could be different now if I hadn’t let you walk away. But this is a different moment now.
Daredevils!
1987
Henry: Listen to me, you think your fans came out here to see you jump?
Young Shawn: Yeah.
Henry: They came out here to see you crack your head open. Which basically makes you no different than the kid in class who can shoot milk out of his eye.
Young Shawn: You think I can be as popular as him?
Present Day
Gus: I can’t believe you did this, Shawn.
Shawn: Clearly you’re unaware that some churros have more nutrients than carrots. Twelve more of these, I’ll have my RDA of riboflavin.
Gus: No, I mean accepted tickets to some ridiculous tractor pull as payment for a case.
Shawn: Gus, when your clients are carny folk it’s this, or twenty rides on a rusty tilt-o-whirl. And I remember the last time you got on one of those.
Shawn: I can’t believe it, dude. It’s Dutch the Clutch.
Gus: What, you know that guy?
Shawn: You don’t remember Dutch the Clutch? He was on That’s Incredible once when we were kids. And he jumped Springfield gorge!
Gus: That was Homer Simpson.
Gus: That was insane.
Shawn: No. That was attempted murder. {he takes a dramatic bite}
Lewis (Brian Gross): I brought us the two new die hards you asked for.
Dutch the Clutch (Jeff Fahey): Man, already?
Shawn: Actually I’m Die Hard. He’s Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew but they aren’t nearly as good as us.
Dutch: Well how the hell’d you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.
Gus: Excuse me. What happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well we can’t talk about it. For legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said it ain’t decapitation if the head don’t come off all the way.
Dutch: What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?
Shawn: We eat at Taco John’s with some frequency. So that puts us right there on the edge.
Shawn: It might be harder to keep this guy alive than I thought.
Gus: These release the employer from any liability in case the stunt tester is torn to shreds. Stunt tester? Is that what we’re doing? Are you crazy?
Shawn: Trust me and be cool.
Gus: This one is in case we’re accidentally chewed to death by a malfunctioning robot? Oh, hell no.
Shawn: Relax, you’ll be fine.
Gus: “Debone”… “Killed and rekilled”. How does that even work?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be an old sponge with hair hanging off it. I’m all over this case.
Gus: “Mimed to death”?
Shawn: It’s clearly a typo. They meant maimed. Nobody can be killed by Marcel Marceau.
Gus: Marcel Marceau is dead.
Shawn: See, there’s nothing to worry about.
Shawn: Dude, he’s running. International sign of guilt!
Gus: You’re guilty of attempted patricide!
Shawn: And: you tried to kill your own dad.
Lewis: I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I’d hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?
Shawn: The kind that loves bees. And historical novels.
Lewis: You know what it’s like to have your father tell you not to follow in his footsteps?
Shawn: I wish.
Shawn: Dutch, someone tampered with that gliding suit, the spirits are sure of it.
Dutch: That diving suit tore ’cause I bought it during the gliding suit boom in 1977. And that fall wouldn’t have killed me! Damn, one time I jumped out of a blimp, five hundred feet in the sky. Had a heart attack on the way down. Two hours later I was eating a BLT in a Red Robin. True story.
Gus: So Red’s not the bad guy. He wouldn’t smuggle in drugs to help Dutch and then turn around and kill him.
Shawn: This is bizarre. Why kill someone if he’s already dying?
Gus: That begs the question: who knows he’s dying.
Shawn: We have to come up with something soon or he’s a goner. We need to know who stands to gain from Dutch’s death and for that we need his will.
Gus: But Lewis said there was no will.
Shawn: He doesn’t know his dad’s dying, Gus. If you were dying of cancer, would you have a will?
Gus: Are you kidding? I’ve had my estate planner on speed dial ever since we started this stupid business. Do you know how many times I’ve had a gun shoved in my face because of you?
Shawn: Three?
Gus: Wrong answer.
Gus: Is that his will?
Shawn: It’s just as good.
Life insurance policy?
Gus: That doesn’t make any sense.
Shawn: Tell me about it. {beat} Dude, seriously. Tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.
Gus: You never could understand legalese.
Shawn: Oh really? Remind me who it was that set up our Psych 401(K).
Gus: Oh, you mean our 601(K)s? Because India doesn’t have 401(k).
Shawn: It’s a growth economy, Gus. We’ve already made like five hundred rupees.
Dutch: What the hell are you doing here? I thought I fired your ass.
Shawn: I just came to apologize to you, Dutch.
Dutch: For what?
Shawn: I was wrong about you. All this time I thought you were the kid who shot milk out of his eye. You know, willing to do just about anything for attention regardless of how it affects the people around you. But that’s not the case, is it?
Dutch: Son, I’m getting tired of the sound of your gums flappin’.
Shawn: You’re all about family. Aren’t you, Dutch? You love them more than life. That’s why you’ve been trying to kill yourself. I sensed dark clouds above you. You’re terminally ill. I’m sorry man. It must be so scary knowing that you’re going to die especially when you’re all that your family has.
Shawn: Look, this is your last stunt for a while and that’s my fault. If this disease hits you before your next show, your family gets nothing. So I’m sure whatever your method is tonight, it’s foolproof.
Dutch: What are you gonna do now?
Shawn: Nothing. I’m not going to try and stop you. And I will not say anything if you go through with it. You have my word.
Shawn: Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn’t take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don’t know this yet, but all he wants in the world is to be more like you. You go to your so or your wife—or anyone else on your crew for that matter—and you ask them which they’d rather have. Six more months with you. Or a million dollars. You know damn well what they’ll answer and they don’t have to think about it for a second.
Dutch: Is that right?
Shawn: True story.
Dutch: You’re wrong. I was the kid in class who shot milk out of his eye. And I was damn good at it.
The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable
Monday, 8:15 PM
Henry: Don’t say a word.
Shawn after some thought: Vergulous.
Henry: Shawn, I said no words.
Shawn: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.
Henry: I’ve been on the other side of this table a thousand times. You tell them only what they need to know.
Shawn: What do we say about Uncle Jack?
Henry: He’s not here, is he Shawn? Why don’t we take care of ourselves? We didn’t do anything wrong, we didn’t break any laws.
Shawn: Oh no.
Henry: Oh no what? What did you do, Shawn?
Shawn: Nothing! It’s just that the laws keep changing. It’s getting very challenging to keep up. Did you know for instance that it is now illegal to give a perm to a possum?
Henry: Shawn, did you or did you not break any laws?
Gus: We impersonated priests.
Shawn: We were professors!
Gus: We were priests, Shawn.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, now by my estimation you may be in some serious trouble here, so I am going to ask you this once: where’s the gold?
Henry: It’s not quite as simple as that.
Shawn: Right. If we were to really answer that question we’d have to go back quite awhile.
Chief Vick: How long?
Shawn: About twenty years.
About Twenty Years Ago
Kid: Your dad’s awesome!
Young Shawn: I know.
Kid: I’m so glad my dad didn’t come. I mean I don’t even know what a manager of debt consolidation does anyways. Except drink.
Henry: What were you thinking?
Young Shawn: I don’t know. I just it would be cooler if Uncle Jack spoke.
Henry: Look class, I’m sorry to break this to you, but he’s not a real treasure hunter. And this is not real gold.
Jack (Steven Weber): Kids, my big brother Henry is absolutely right. This is not real gold. But it is real chocolate!
Sunday, 10:20 PM
Shawn: You keep a stun gun in the bird house? What’s under the garden gnome, an M-80? {Henry signals them} You want me to poke you in the eyes on the roof?
Shawn: Dude, a hose? Really? What were you gonna do, give him a high colonic?
Gus: Shut up, Shawn!
Jack: No no no no no, I get it. You bust in here, you blind them with water and then you make your move!
Jack: I guess you are wondering why I came back. {dramatic pause} I want you to help me find Bouchard’s treasure.
Henry: Come on, not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard’s treasure does not, has not and will not ever exist. It’s a pipe dream.
Shawn: Don’t listen to him, Uncle Jack. He’s a dream killer.
Jack: I understand his frustration. All those years listening to me drone on about the treasure thing, and not even a semblance of proof. I get it. One thing confuses me though. If it is just a figment of my imagination, {produces a map} where’d I get this?
Monday, 9:45 PM
Shawn: When are we going to find out the deal about the suit guy in there?
Lassiter: Let’s just get back to the story.
Juliet: I cant believe your uncle Jack actually had a treasure map.
Lassiter: I can’t believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.
Shawn: I wanted Gus’ dad to do it, but there was a geneaology issue I just couldn’t sort out.
Sunday, 11:15 PM
Shawn: Dad, he’s not a suspect.
Henry: Oh ho ho. Hes suspect all right.
Monday, 10:15 AM
Jack: Technically, there’s something I haven’t told you about the whole map.
Shawn: Uncle Jack! This is a pretty big thing to leave out!
Jack: Yeah, I know, I know. It’s a long story. A one-legged woman, bottle of Cutty Sark. The point is, the missing part of the map is the first step of the hunt.
Shawn: Where did you hide that clue, you old syphilitic sea dog?
Tuesday, 2:30 AM
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.
Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
Gus: Why do I have to be Sammy?
Shawn: Fine. He’s Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? Do you want to be Joey Bishop?
Juliet: Shawn—
Shawn: I’m sorry, Jules. How often does someone set you up with “Let me be Frank”?
Monday, 2:00 PM
Shawn: I don’t know where you guys went to partner college, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to shoot at your partners.
Lassiter: Hold it. So you just gave them the map and told them everything?
Shawn: No, not everything. {Gus smacks him} Okay. Everything.
Lassiter: So they found the treasure?
Shawn: Not exactly. Okay. I may have psychically lead them down the wrong path. The spirit world is just one of life’s little mysteries. Like why the Oxygen Network carries Goodfellas or why fools fall in love.
Chief Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer—
Shawn and Henry: Yes.
Chief Vick: Oh, I meant the older— Sorry. Not old. Less—
Shawn: Handsome. Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose.
Shawn: Oow!
Gus: Redial again. And this time try to dial the right number!
Shawn: Look man, I’m dialing with a ten-year-old Erasermate in my mouth. It’s not an exact science.
Lassiter: Spencer, are you going to answer my question or not. How did your dad know where to find you?
Shawn: With some people I can communicate with psychic wavelengths. My father is one of them. Val Kilmer is another.
Monday, 5:00 PM
Henry: What are we doing up here, Shawn?
Shawn: I’m not sure yet. That’s part of the fun.
Shawn: If I were a French pirate with a bad temper and at least one venereal disease, where would I be looking?
Shawn: I know this probably isn’t the right time to say this, but dude! I think we’re gonna get to ride in a helicopter.
Tuesday Morning, Right Now.
Andres Candelaria: Hello Mr. Spencer. I believe you know why you are here.
Shawn: And I believe you know I know why I’m here. Now. Why am I here?
Andres Candelaria: To help us find the treasure.
Shawn: The spirits are guiding my man palms! It’s like the movie Idle Hands except with no nudity, which means I must be completely unwatchable right now!
Henry: We used to roust punks from drinking in there all the time.
Shawn: “Roust punks”? Thank you, Jack Lord.
Shawn: In Argentina, Ché is slang for buddy or pal. Sort of like I call you Blackstar or Homeskillet or Big Baby Burton.
Gus: Don’t ever call me homeskillet.
Shawn: Right.
Gus: But why didn’t you tell anybody?
Shawn: I did. She knew just what to do. {Andres is not real. Follow us. You smell nice.}
Henry: I still can’t believe that he got away with the gold! You gotta think that some day allthis stuff is going to catch up with him though.
Shawn: Yeah. And that day might just be today. {he lays down some gold}.
Henry: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Oh yeah. He’s got the rest of it. Don’t worry, we’re donating it to the museum.
Henry: All of it?
Shawn: Ish.
Disco Didn’t Die. It Was Murdered!
1978
Present Day
Shawn: Sorry, Chief. I got roped into doing a silly interview with the Independent. They’ve been calling and begging for weeks and I finally relented.
Reporter: You called me.
Shawn: And you called me back. Which means we’re both right. The important thing is you got your cover story.
Reporter: Actually, it’s page 64.
Shawn: It really depends how you fold it, doesn’t it?
Shawn: Oh no.
Gus: What is it?
Shawn: It’s my dad’s biggest case.
Chief Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He’s no longer on the force and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn’t clear is why people always say “it goes without saying” yet still feel compelled to say the thing that’s supposed to do without saying. Doesn’t that bother you?
Chief Vick: No! And frankly I could care less.
Gus: Now that’s the one that bothers me. Why do peopel say, “I could care less” when they really mean “I couldn’t care less.”?
Shawn: How did you get in here?
Henry: The unlatched window, the unlocked back door, maybe this key that I made. You choose one.
Shawn: There is no way that I am showing you what’s in this folder.
Henry: You’re lucky I’m even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you or your little friend here knew what hit you.
Shawn: I think in some states that’s called child abuse.
Gus: I think all of them.
Shawn: Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?
Henry: Why? I’m a tax-paying, voting citizen, therefore I have the right to speak to any elected official—such as the D.A.—I please.
Shawn: You don’t have to be a tax-paying voting citizen though, do you?
Assistant: May I help you?
Shawn: Yes. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the head psychic for the Santa Barbara police department. And that is my partner—
Henry: Yeah yeah. That’s his partner Methuselah Honeysuckle. Which makes me Old Scratch Johnson.
Shawn: If you insist on staying involved in this case, then there are going to be rules. I was hired by the police department, therefore it is my ass on the line and those rules will be made by me. You are no longer a cop. And unless you plan on going back to the academy, and climbing the high wall and doing the obstacle course, where you shoot the bad guys, but not the old lady with the sack or the blind guy with the cane or the cute little squirrel with the bushy tail and big fat nut. {he trails off} It started off well.
Gus: It really fell apart at the end.
Shawn: Funny. It’s usually me who can’t show my face in public.
Gus: Nice going, Shawn. That was all our money.
Henry: That’s what happens when you send in the one guy who’s never bought a car before.
The car slides into a parking spot and the stumble out.
Shawn: If that had been on purpose that would have been totally cool.
Gus: I need to get that power steering fixed. Not to mention that seat is jammed all the way to the front Makes my entire left side fall asleep. {He walks away with a serious pimp walk}
Pookie (Ted Lange): Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?
Shawn: Well, Mr. Pookie. {Gus giggles} As you may have heard, a judge recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks case.
Pookie: Maybe I heard, maybe I didn’t.
Shawn: Right. Well we’re looking for information on a few people that might used to run with old Eugene.
Pookie: Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Henry: Alright alright. I know how this works. Gus, get the other sock. Give him some money.
There Might Be Blood
1987
Young Gus: How can you be sure it’s down there?
Young Shawn: I can feel it in my bones, Gus. All great oil wildcatters have that ability. Me… Getty… Clampett… Crisco and Wesson.
Present Day
Gus: Don’t play, Shawn. You know that fungus is my bread and butter.
Shawn: Really? You know what my bread and butter is? Bread and butter. Fungus has never entered into the equation. Not once.
Gus: I wonder what this case is about. It obviously has something to do with the ocean.
Shawn: Ah, Gus, could be anything. Crab on crab violence. Gang war between merman and the shark people. Or! Maybe she wants to take us wild orca hunting.
Shawn: Don’t you see what’s happening here, Gus? We are merely pawns in a bitter sibling feud.
Gus: I’m nobody’s pawn, Shawn. I’m a queen.
Shawn: I have an idea. But we’ll need cool names.
Commander Barbara Dunlap (Jane Lynch): What are you two doing here?
Shawn: Not eating candy, I can tell you that.
Commander Dunlap: My orders for you were to stay put and do nothing.
Shawn: Really? That wasn’t reverse psychology?
Shawn: This place is lousy with suspects. And excessively heavy food. I think I ate my weight in cowboy chicken casserole.
Shawn: Wow. Looks like Hicks’ obsession with safety did not extend to his colon.
Gus: What are we looking for anyway?
Shawn: Anything Hicks may have received with a threat of violence. Correspondence, angry phone messages, mash notes.
Gus: Mash notes are love letters, Shawn.
Shawn: Really? Remind me I owe someone a huge apology.
Shawn: Woah. Sisters, please! Nobody’s getting horned here. Two men are dead. This is not the time for petty sibling squabbles. That’s what Thanksgiving is for. We need to come together and work as a group.
Gus: We’ve gotta get back on that rig. But how?
Shawn: I have an idea.
Gus: Is it good?
Shawn: Not really.
Shawn: That’s what Renault meant when he said they were doing something unsafe. They’re not drilling where they say they’re drilling.
Gus: They’re drilling directly on a fault line.
Ashley: I feel sick.
Shawn: It’s okay. We’re going to get through this together. Probably over dinner. I’m thinking tapas but I could be talked into Greek.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: We gotta get out of here.
Gus: Shawn, I think the rule is when you hear gunfire you don’t go towards it.
Gus: What part of “stay put” is confusing to you?
Shawn: The “put” part. Stay put? I wasn’t put in the first place. The expression is a complete disaster.
Shawn: So I take it the sibling rivalry’s back on.
Vick: Oh it’s on. And I am so winning.
Talk Derby to Me
1987
Henry: Something’s missing. I took something of yours, you need to figure out what it is.
Young Shawn: Dad, you robbed me?
Henry: No, robbery’s the taking of property by force or fear. I’m not afraid of anyone in this room.
Young Gus: So you’re a burglar then.
Henry: No, Gus, burglarly involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is or you’re not getting it back.
Young Shawn: You thief! You stole my beebee gun!
Henry: Technically yes. Theft makes me a thief, so yes. You’re learning.
Young Shawn: So can I have it back now?
Henry: No. I told you not to play with it in the yard. It’s too dangerous.
Young Shawn: But you said if I figured out what’s missing—
Henry: Shawn. Thieves always lie. Remember that.
Present Day
Lassiter: Spencer, what the hell are you doing up there?
Shawn: Right now I’m putting my hand in my pocket, sans thumb. Pointing at an imaginary seagull.
Shawn: Gus, I need you paying attention. Do you think you can make that happen?
Gus: I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam.
Shawn: Right. The Rx… something.
Gus: Rx Rec Rx. Pharmaceutical Rep Recertification Exam.
Shawn: That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum.
Shawn: What is this green slime on your book? You just come from the Kid’s Choice Awards?
Gus: This place is filthy.
Shawn: Maybe it’s a clue.
Gus: Maybe it’s urine.
Shawn: Smell it.
Gus: I’m not going to smell it. Are you going to help me or not?
Lassiter: Alright, we definitely need to check all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC—
Shawn: Santa Barbara Ladies Auxilliary.
Lassiter: Huh?
Shawn: Oh. They’re women.
Shawn: We checked the schedule. These were the only two teams that were off on all the night the break-ins occurred. We call that detective work. It’s a rare and beautiful thing. Like clubbed thumbs.
Gus: What are we doing, Shawn?
Shawn: Well for starters we’re both growing mustaches very very slowly. But we’re also investigating.
Gus: This is Juliet’s investigation. We’re gonna blow her cover. We need to stay out of her way.
Shawn: You’re exactly right, Gus. Or: We do the exact opposite. I vote for number two.
Gus: Dude, you are leering.
Shawn: If by leering you mean staring oddly in a creepy way, yes. But it’s for an investigation, Gus. They’re all scraped up from burglarizing. Burglarization? Burglarism.
Shawn: I’ll see you tonight. Bring the outfit. One of us might wear it.
Lassiter: Let me in on this.
Shawn: Sure Chief. Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he’s a demon on wheels and of course he’s so very good with women.
Chief Vick: Under the circumstances I might consider you, Carlton. But you’re never more obvious than when you’re undercover. Perhaps you’ve forgotten then prosthetic nose debacle of 2005.
Shawn: They stole a DVD of Spanglish. Clearly they weren’t after the merchandise.
Shawn: Sweet Fantasy Island, that is a body!
Gus: I told you.
Shawn: You can not sit out here alone in the dark in a parked car. You’ll be picked up for mopery.
Gus: Mopery?
Shawn: With intent to creep. Trust me. It’ll kick a big hole in your future.
Shawn: It’s okay! It’s alright. My name is Shawn Spencer, this my partner… I can’t believe I’m blanking. I’ve done this a million times.
Gus: Nice work.
Credit Dept Woman: Office. Code Blue.
Shawn: It’s okay. We’re not here to rob you.
Credit Dept Woman: Your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.
Gus Walks Into a Bank
Shawn: Lassie, Jules. What are you doing here?
Lassiter: What are you doing here?
Juliet: Shawn, we have a situation. Somebody held up the bank and we think he’s taken hostages. {Shawn makes a break for the door but Lassiter stops him}
Lassiter: Woah. Take it easy.
Shawn: Gus is in there.
Commander Cameron Lutz (Gary Cole): Heads up, we’re on the clock.
Shawn: And cut. Great. Dripping with swagger. Let’s go again though and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile, just a bit. I liked it, I’m just not sure it’s going to play in the Midwest.
Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Shawn: Oh, my apologies. I’m Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic of the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry.
Shawn: Don’t worry. It’s fine, Jules. Dare I say dandy. Isn’t that a word from his generation?
Juliet: Shawn!
Shawn: Chief. Elder Commanding Officer Lutz. You need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.
Chief Vick: Absolutely not. You’re not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.
Lutz: Are we positive he’s even house trained?
Shawn: Alright, Phil. I am just as mad about this as you are. Why don’t you let me go out there and make it right. On the way back in I’ll have them throw in a couple liters of Old Fashioned Root Beet and some Cinna Stars. They look like Cinna Dots, just, they’re pointy. They’re good. They’re not great, but I can get them free of charge. I’ll be right back. {he goes to leave}
Phil Stubbins (Alan Ruck): You’re not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.
Gus: I’ve had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I’ve realized some things about life.
Shawn: It’s been two hours.
Gus: Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here, Shawn.
Shawn: I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Lutz.
Phil: Demands?
Shawn: Yeah, we’re gonna call out there and you’re just going to read these off to him.
Phil: “My Demands. By Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with a full tank of gas. And groupies.”
Shawn: That’s non-negotiable.
Phil: Five thousand dollars in unmarked bills. This is a huge list. what if they won’t give me any of this stuff?
Shawn: I don’t expect them to, Phil. It’s just to buy us time until we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.
Phil: “A zipline pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?
Lassiter: Look, I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn: Code! That is your biggest problem!
Lassiter: Oh it’s my problem?
Shawn: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don’t like my methods. I know you don’t like me. But we are pressed for time. And I’m telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Lassiter: You take shutgun.
Shawn: You’re so sexy right now!
Shawn: Look at you, man. Surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all Poitier on a hot day.
Gus: What.
Shawn: Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me to call you Mr. Tibbs.
Gus: I’m not doing that!
Christmas Joy
1988
Present Day
Six Feet Under the Sea
1987
Young Shawn: We did it, Gus. A year of planning has finally paid off.
Young Gus: Don’t you think we should wait until they get a little further away?
Young Shawn: No. We have to move now. We’ve got ten minutes to find the dolphin, feed it, and then ride it.
Young Shawn: You’re not sick.
Henry: And you’re not very thorough.
Young Shawn: How did you know?
Henry: Oh, maybe it’s the snorkel hanging out of your backpack. What kind of undercover operation are you running here, kid?
Present Day
Shawn: Wait a minute. Is this a funeral for a sea lion?
Gus: Yes. Yes, it is. And don’t start, Shawn. Shabby’s more than just a sea lion.
Shawn: Oh no.
Gus: Oh no what?
Shawn: I think this sea lion was murdered.
April MacArthur: Gentlemen. I’m going to need to see you for a moment.
Gus: Great. Now you got me kicked out of a funeral. Nice. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of a pet store, kicked out of Santa’s Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army—
Shawn: Dishonorably discharged.
Gus: It’s not all the time that we have an attractive conservationist coming to the office. Oh, and by the way, I called her.
Shawn: What do you mean you call her? You can’t call a person.
Gus: Why not?
Shawn: ‘Cause I already called her.
April: Okay, this is it.
Shawn: What is there like a hidden door in the rock wall?
April: No.
Gus: You said you could get us in.
April: Yeah, I can give us a boost. The electrified security fence is broken here. Unless they fixed it.
Chief Vick: Breaking and entering?
Shawn: It was really just entering. Climbing and entering. We had the code. Is that a backstage pass?
Chief Vick: I had third row center at Phill Collins tonight. And I get called back here because my department psychic wanted to break into an aquarium to feed some fish?
Shawn: That is not entirely true.
Chief Vick: Then why were you wearing swim trunk and caring a How to Ride a Dolphin pamphlet?
Lassiter: I’m going to kill you, Spencer.
Shawn: I never told you that the victim wasn’t a sea lion.
Henry: Shawn, focus! Do not become complacent just because it’s water.
Shawn: Dad, we’re still on the dock.
Roger: So what are you guys doing out here?
Shawn: Oh, you know. Just, ah, hiding from sharks. Yeah, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on, so we kicked ours off.
Roger: That’s not how sharks work at all.
Shawn: Regular sharks! Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically altered shark-like beasts… here… in this area of the water. They can smell the light.
Gus: They also type.
Shawn: True.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Not well. But they’re sharks.
Gus: Hair analyst? That worked?
Shawn: I’ve always dreamed of having one myself.
Gus: They’re coming.
Shawn: Quick, jump in the water.
Gus: They’re gonna see us.
Shawn: Okay, hang from the anchor. Where’s the anchor?
Gus: That only works in cartoons!
Shawn: Is there a shark cage?
Gus: How could that possibly be a good idea?
Shawn: I don’t know. At least I’m coming up with ideas!
Shawn: Dude. This is like Out of Sight, but super gay.
Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing
1987
Henry: Turn around. {he places a blindfold over Shawn’s eyes}
Young Shawn: Oo. Did you get me a pinata?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Pepsi Challenge?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Am I being executed?
Present Day
Shawn: The weather has dampened my psychic powers, but I am sensing something big is about to come through that door.
Juliet: Huge! We just got a call from lassiter. He arrested Ernesto Ramon Chavez twenty minutes ago. He is the second-in-command of the Cinco Reyes.
Shawn: So he plays the big guitar in the Mariachi band.
Shawn: Combos. Different story. They are both pretzels and cheese. And if you get one without cheese, that means the bag is haunted.
Gus: Shawn, will you get serious? Lassiter just shot a guy!
Shawn: Don’t be ridiculous. He didn’t kill anyone. His finger wasn’t even on the trigger.
Shawn: Chief, we need to speak.
Chief Vick: No, we don’t.
Shawn: The spirit world is abuzz and my psychic vibes indicate—nay, insist—that Lassiter did not shoot Chavez.
Gus: I mean we all knew that he would shoot somebody someday.
IA: So you think he’s capable of it?
Shawn: No, he doesn’t. At most Lassiter would plant evidence.
Gus: I’m still not convinced, Shawn. How can you be absolutely certain that Lassiter didn’t shoot Chavez?
Shawn: It’s relatively easy, Gus. I decided to be and therefore I am. Socrates said that.
Gus: That was Rene Descartes.
Shawn: That was the cologne we wore in high school.
Gus: That was Drakar Noir.
Shawn: No, that is a wine.
Gus: That’s pinot noir.
Shawn: You really want to know my process?
Lassiter: Absolutely.
Shawn: It usually starts with a “holla!” and ends with a Creamsicle.
Gus: And if there’s time in between, Thundercats!
Lassiter: I’m dead.
Gus: Did you know that before he stabbed a guy he was a life coach?
Shawn: Who would hire him as a life coach?
Gus: The guy he stabbed.
Shawn: Lassie, what’s going on here?
Lassiter: Oh let’s see. My partner’s moved on, my career’s in shambles and even sweet lady Justice has abandoned me. That bitch.
Shawn: Dad, I think this was an inside job.
Henry: You stop right there, Shawn. You do not throw accusations like that around. Do you understand?
Shawn: Well think about it. Kenny Loggins saw the shooter but was too afraid to ID him. Now who would he fear most?
Henry: Kenny Loggins was in the next cell? Was Jim Messina in there with him?
Shawn: Who’s Jim Messina?
Gus: A different Kenny Loggins.
Dremer: Shut up.
Shawn: I like the sound of my own voice and I won’t apologize for that.
Shawn: I can’t believe you thought that text was actually from me. It lacked all nuance, my signature mocking tone, and was completely devoid of emoticons.
Lassiter: I do have something for you. More of a token, really.
Shawn: Get out of this station!
Gus: Wow. Free chips with any sandwich purchase at Hal’s Hoagies.
Shawn: Lassie, there aren’t words.
Lassiter: It’s the least I could do.
Gus: Yes, it is.
Earth, Wind and… Wait for It
1987
Young Shawn: You’ll never believe it. I know what I’m going to be when I grow up. A fireman!
Henry: I never would have guessed. What exactly brought this on?
Young Shawn: Fireman Paul. He came to our school. He is so totally rad.
Henry: Fireman Paul? Did he happen to be sober?
Henry: You do not want to be a fireman.
Young Shawn: What? Why not?
Henry: Because you want to be a cop. What do you think I’ve been teaching you all these years?
Young Shawn: But being a fireman is the coolest!
Henry: Being a fireman is not cooler than being a cop.
Young Shawn: But they have cooler uniforms, cooler trucks and cooler sirens. They even get to carry axes.
Henry: Axes! I get to carry a gun. A real gun with real bullets. I get to shoot bad guys. I’m like Dirty Harry. Can you even name a famous fireman?
Young Shawn: Smokey the Bear?
Henry: First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he’s not real. Number three, he’s a bear! He takes his poops in the woods. Is that what you want?
Present Day
Chief Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
Shawn: Irrelevant! And immaterial.
Lassiter: Chief, you’re not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
Chief Vick: If Mr. Spencer—
Shawn: He is making a mockery of these proceedings! All I am saying is that she is making a very compelling argument.
Morgan Conrad: You’re an idiot.
Shawn: That’s less compelling. Move to strike.
Conrad: In case you missed it, Detective, this is my “I told you so” face.
Shawn: Which is kind of hard to distinguish from your “I thought this was going to be a new episode of Law & Order but turns out it’s a repeat” face.
Lassiter: A dead body changes things.
Shawn: That’s his email signature.
Shawn: The first thing an arson inspector looks for is the point of origin.
Gus: Okay. How in the world do you know that?
Shawn: I rode the Backdraft ride at Universal Studios like seventy times.
Gus: Shawn, you can’t base a whole theory on a movie.
Shawn: There’s a movie?
Fire Chief Dan Trombly (Bruce McGill): What is this, Halloween?
Shawn: Why, you got some candy?
Shawn: I accidentally mixed up Fire Chief Dan’s phone with mine. They’re similar shapes and my hand was in his pocket.
Gus: You stole his phone?
Shawn: He was throwing us out. Gus, I plead the Third.
Gus: The Third Amendment is no soldier can live in a house against their will. You mean the Fifth.
Shawn: Eh, I’ve heard it both ways.
Gus: What other ways have you heard it?
Lambert: Wait, are you a fairy?
Shawn: Hardly. I’ve seen Little Darlings like eleven times. But I am a male Wiccan.
Lambert: You’re not Wiccan.
Shawn: I’m level eight, Jack. I’d be level nine if it wasn’t for my season allergies.
Henry: I warned you, Shawn. Firefighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off the role.
Shawn: And you succeeded, Dad. In every conceivable way.
Henry: Gus, your parents lied to you. We do it sometimes to protect our kids. Your bird bit the big one. Sorry, pal.
Shawn: Yeah. Not all pets can live on a special wheat farm like my rabbit.
Henry: That’s right son.
Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central
1987
Young Shawn: I’ve gotta get his autograph. He’s so cool.
Henry: Relax. Remember. He’s a person. Just like me.
Young Shawn: Oh no. He’s way better than you.
Present Day
Lassiter: Where have you two been? We’ve left you twelve messages.
Shawn: Sorry. We were having our bi-annual Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we need you to psychically tell us who belonged to this foot. {Gus ducks into another room, clearly freaked out}
Juliet: Does he know that’s where they keep the bodies for identification?
Shawn: I think he’s figuring that out right now.
Chief Vick: So what can you tell us?
Shawn: It’s weird. The lower extremities give off very very intense psychic vibes. For instance, the pinkie toe is tell me that he went to the market.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we have to assume that we were meant to find this foot. Which means we’re dealing with a psycho. I’m gonna position this case as a possible murder investigation. I can only keep this foot thing quiet for a day or two. I don’t want to panic the community.
Shawn: You’re saying you think this thing might cause quiet a stink? {Jules and Lassiter roll their eyes and walk off} Alright, well I just feel like a heel. {Chief Vick follows} That was callus.
Gus: What are we going to do, just walk into a pro football training camp and start asking if anyone’s missing a foot?
Shawn: The words “foolproof” and “plan” do come to mind.
Shawn: He also happens to be a very good friend of mine.
Gus: You met him once when you were ten.
Shawn: And the only thing that my dad and I both like besides Asian slaw and Harry Hamlin. Who’s with me? Who’s with me on Hamlin?
Gus: Literally, no one’s with you.
Shawn assessing the line-up: Yes. No. Knee. Juiced. Gay. Possibly gay. Definitely gay.
Adam: I never heard of you before. You said you played in Tampa?
Shawn: Tel Aviv. Israeli Arena League. We didn’t play on the Sabbath so you’ve probably never seen me.
Gus: Look, let me be clear. These hands are not touching anyone. I only use these hands to touch myself. {Shawn stops} Ah. Let me rephrase that.
Shawn: Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.
Shawn: New kicker. Emilio Estevez Estevezezzz.
You mean like the actor guy?
Shawn: You’re probably thinking of Charlie Sheen.
Shawn: The hover technique? Resourceful Gus makes a rare appearance.
Shawn: It’s game time. I’m about to blow their minds. How do I look?
Gus: Like an idiot.
Shawn: Sweet.
Shawn: Vlad’s body. It’s dark, it’s murky. His voice is a little, ah…
Gus: Warbly.
Shawn: That’s right. Like it’s calling to me from underwater. Maybe a river or a stream. Perhaps a—
Lassiter: Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad’s body an hour ago.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, looks like you’re a little late to the game this time.
Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure eighties film? Wow. O’Hara, write this down.
Truer Lies
1987
Henry: Shawn. What are you doing home from school?
Young Shawn: Uh. Ah… well… at the assembly today there was a guy and he hypnotized some students. And one of them thought he was a kangaroo. And he punched the guy. And he passed out before he could put the kids back to normal. But luckily, Mr. Detner, an ex-Navy SEAL, put everyone back before six kids had to go to the hospital.
Henry: Let me see the suspension note from your teacher.
Young Shawn: How did you know?
Henry: I’ve got a nickname at work. It’s the Human Lie Detector. I spend my day analyzing lies and the people who tell them. Rule number one. Every lie is built on a kernel of truth. Take your little fib for instance. If I was to put money on it I’d say the only true thing that you just said is that Mr. Detner is ex-Navy SEAL.
Young Shawn: You’re right. That’s amazing.
Henry: Not really. The relative specificity of that statement compared to the others made it obvious.
Henry: Look, Shawn. If you continue to lie like this nobody’s going to believe you when it counts. That could put your life on the line.
Young Shawn: Like maybe when I might be a cop?
Henry: No. Like now.
Present Day
Shawn: Shawn Spencer thrives on moments like this. When it’s just him, the ball, and the hole. Surrounded by silence. And the man wearing a Hefty bag on Angel Dust.
Ryan Bainsworth (Jonathan Silverman): Wait, that guy. The one with the great hair. He can vouch for me. I think we worked together at Busch Gardens one summer. Yeah, we made funnel cakes.
Shawn: Oh look, Gus. He must have gotten me confused with another man with great hair.
Ryan: And the white guy. I know him too.
Shawn: How can you tell someone’s a compulsive liar? I mean assuming that their pants aren’t on fire.
Shawn: When you’re finished I’d appreciate if you’d evaluate my partner Gus. For years he’s been claiming to be “insane in the membrane.”
Gus: Are you trying to show up the police department? Is this about pride?
Shawn: Gus. I got these jeans in a garage. Not a garage sale. A garage. Pride is clearly not an issue for me. This is about me not wanting a man to be wrongfully convicted because he has a sickness he cannot control. Plus he appreciated my hair.
Gus: No. He appreciated my hair.
Shawn: A handlebar mustache?
Gus: Like the Hamburglar?
Shawn: No no no. Mayor McCheese, he had the ‘stache. Burglar had the mask.
Gus: Right, right. Then it was Grimace. That brother was funny.
Shawn: No no no. Excuse us. I gave you Vin Diesel.
Gus: Gave me?
Shawn: You’re not claiming Grimace as a brother.
Gus: Grimace is a brother.
Shawn: He’s an amorphous mass. He’s like an amoeba.
Gus: He’s a black amoeba, Shawn.
Shawn: Purple.
Shawn: How much do we have in the Psych savings account?
Gus: I really hate when you ask that question.
Ryan: I know who, what, when and where.
Gus: Come again?
Shawn: Ryan, that’s everything we need to know. That’s all of it. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Ryan: Because no one would let me.
Shawn: That’s true, Gus. That’s very true.
Gus: Yeah I got that, Shawn. Just go ahead Ryan.
Ryan: The time was ten o’clock.
Shawn: Ten o’clock.
Ryan: To four thirty.
Shawn: Four thirty.
Gus: A six hour window? What, do your killers work for the cable company?
Henry: Alright Shawn. Why are you working so hard on this one?
Shawn: I work hard on all my cases.
Henry: I know you do. You work hard, you have fun, you show off. I’m not an idiot. I know this guy’s got a screw loose. He’s lying out of his ass. What I dont understand is why you’re taking this one so seriously.
Shawn: I think it’s because nobody, including the police, believe him.
Henry: I know what’s going on. here.
Shawn: Oh really?
Henry: Yes I do. Shawn listen to me. You are not Ryan. Yeah you stretch the truth a little bit sometimes. At least you know where the line is.
Shawn: Of course I know where the line is.
Henry: But only because of two things. One, you always had somebody around who knew when you were lying and bothered to call you on it.
Shawn: What’s the second thing?
Henry: Well I’d like to say that you always had enough natural talent to fall back on. {Shawn smiles} But I’d be lying.
Lassiter: What’s going on, Spencer?
Shawn: Ryan and I spent some time in the psychic sweat lodge. {Lassiter looks disturbed} Towelled.
Ryan: Fully.
Shawn: Very nice partner! You just weaved your way through those obstacles like a ferret on rollerskates or something.
Tuesday the 17th
1988
Henry: Hey. How about a big hello for your old man you haven’t seen in a week.
Shawn: Hi, Old Man. Can we go now?
Henry: You two didn’t team up for the pinata contest this year, did you?
Shawn: No. He ditched me for golden boy Jason Cunningham who wins ever year. And I got stuck with the kid who wore the jacket the entire week. {to the kid} It’s a million degrees out. Why don’t you go live on Hoth, you freak!
Gus: Where’s your clown pinata?
Shawn: It’s not a clown. And wouldn’t you like to know.
Present Day
Shawn: Dude, I’m telling you, you cannot add lettuce. It completely takes you out of the burrito.
Gus: You don’t seem to mind if a taco has lettuce.
Shawn: ‘Cause everyoe knows the taco has assimilated, Gus. The burrito remains authentic. It’s the Rollie Fingers of Mexican cuisine.
Shawn seeing the hanged pinata: Oh my god.
Gus: What the— Isn’t that your…
Shawn: Yeah yeah. It’s my Rick Astley pinata. I think it’s dead.
Gus: Rick Astley? That’s what that thing is supposed to be?
Shawn: Oh come on. You sound like the judges. Look at it! It’s painfully obvious, even now.
Gus: It looks more like Ann Margaret.
Shawn: What?
Jason Cunningham (Mackenzie Astin): I had it narrowed down to Eric Stoltz or Boris Becker.
Shawn: I don’t say this very often, but it sounds like one for the proper authorities.
Jason: Are you kidding? I call the cops and the press gets ahold of this, they’ll go crazy.
Irwin the Janitor: You’re all doomed!
Shawn: Alright, we’re outta here.
Gus: Shawn, stop it. He’s kidding. Look at him.
Shawn: Yeah. Clearly. He has a folksy sense of humor. The Garrison Keillor of Tikihama. Turn around before we get stabbed.
Gus: Is Jason around? We’re old friends of his.
Clive: I think he’s inside trying to figure out What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Turns out it was a flesh-eating virus.
Shawn: Oh, I get it. You’re the funny guy.
Gus: Jason! We made it.
Shawn: What the hell happened to him?
Gus: He’s fine.
Shawn: Those are nurse’s shoes.
Gus: They’re probably very comfortable.
Shawn: They’re both left feet.
Juliet: Hello? Shawn?
Shawn: Jules. Wow. You made really good time.
Juliet: Shawn, are you hiding in that closet?
Shawn: No. No, I’m not. That’s a negative.
Jason: Who’s she?
Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: One of Santa Barbara’s finest. Both literally and figuratively.
Jason: Judas!
Shawn: Pardon me?
Jason: No cops! You gave me your word, Spencer. You ruined it.
Jason: You destroyed me! Iago! {he storms out}
Shawn: What does the parrot from Aladdin have to do with it?
Gus: You must be out of your mind if you think for one second I’m going out there. I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that when a brother goes out to the woods, he doesn’t even sorta come back. {Clive laughs and Gus glares at him}
Clive: Sorry.
Shawn: LL Cool J made it all the way through Deep Blue Sea.
Gus: That was in the water, Shawn. With sharks. And Sam Jackson’s ass still got swallowed whole.
Juliet: I don’t like this Shawn.
Shawn: Well, your hands are a little bit tied, aren’t they? Plus when you showed up I was hiding in a closet so I figure I’m due to man up. If I’m not back in exactly four minutes please go looking for me. But really start giving it some serious thought after two. And if you think that there’s anything even slightly amiss after forty-five seconds, you’re the leader here.
Shawn: This isn’t Friday the 13th. It’s April Fools Day. Same formula, but with a killer twist ending. {he unmasks Jason}
Shawn: So history repeats itself. You two are my least favorite tag team of all time.
Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table?
Shawn: Wow. You had to make that reference.
Juliet: Can’t you do better than vibes?
Shawn: Jeff Goldblum and Cyndi Lauper couldn’t.
Juliet about the body: No touching, Shawn.
Shawn: Didn’t need to be said.
Shawn: Boy. Billy. I will give you everything in Gus’ wallet if you’ll put your pants back on.
Gus: Dude. Please cover your junk.
Juliet: Shawn, what’s going on?
Shawn: I think we have a very serious problem.
Gus: Shawn! What are you doing here?
Shawn: I came in here to save you!
Gus: I beat him already!
Shawn: Well I can see that now!
Gus: Here! Take this.
Shawn: This is a pool skimmer.
Gus: There’s not a lot of options here, Shawn.
Shawn: I just wanted to say thank you for shooting that wack job psycho killer in the hand.
Juliet: My pleasure.