Boston Red Sox
Kyan on a strand of Johnny Damon’s hair: I could sell this on eBay for like a thousand dollars, probably.
Player: And when I hold the ball I have to hold it with my fingernails.
Carson: In my line of work they get mad when you hold the ball with your fingernails.
Ted: I bet you guys never make ball jokes, do you.
Kyan: Is there huge pressure to sort of pull it off next year or is it kind of like, “Okay, we did it.”?
Thom: It’s like, “We’ve got 86 more years!”
Ted boxing up the donuts: We should really get some pink ones in there for the gay children.
Michelle: Yeah. Maybe two, ’cause there might be more than one.
Ted: Maybe two, there might be two little gay kids.
Carson surveying the damage to the concession stand: The bathroom. That’s crucial! You need a place to fix your hair.
Kid: They got me a size 5 and I’m a size 6.
Carson: Let me see if I can find something your size. May I show you a sensible pump as well?
Player: Who said gay was bad? I am now gay!
Carson: Oh my gosh. Am I the Size Whisperer? Perfect fit!
Ted: So Jason you flew all the way here in a helicopter to get your back waxed.
Thom: That’s really gay.
Thom: Don’t forget, crudité is very important before a baseball game!
Carson: Do we know what the signals are?
Kids: No!
Carson: One tzujz: we bunt. Second tzujz: we steal. A flip of the hair: is just me fixing my hair. Disregard it!
Paolo P.
Kyan: Are you exhausted?
Sylvia: I’m very exhausted.
Kyan: Having five kids will do it to you, right? I have four of ’em and I’m exhausted.
Thom: Are these two washers and one dryer?
Paolo: That’s two dryers and one— actually two washers and one dryer.
Thom: You’ve definitely not done laundry before. He’s like, “Those are two microwaves, and this is the oven.”
Ted as one toddler pushes another away from a toy car: Uh oh. There’s a carjacking in progress.
Ted in Williams-Sonoma: C’mon. Let’s go play with some stemware or something!
Jai taking a quarter out of the fountain: I don’t know why people throw good money away, They’re so—
Ted interrupting: Jai. Jai. Jai. Jai. That’s for charity. Jai, put the quarter back.
Jai: It’s for charity?
Ted: Yeah. Put the quarter back.
Carson putting on a smock: Oh look. I look like a gay dentist.
Carson: We gotta smock and roll.
Ted feeding Paolo fruit: Here. I’ve never fed fruit to a large Italian man before.
Paolo: I just wanted to tell you guys that you can stop by and babysit anytime you want.
Jai: This is a one-time deal.
Thom: Look! Daddy’s making a grease fire for mom!
Hector D.
Jai: See. This is how you know you’re in Long Island. Look how many colognes he has.
Carson: I think this porcelain hobo is masturbating.
Hector: They just broke the chandelier in there.
Ted: Is that bad?
Andrea: No. That’s great.
Hector: That guy Thom is like a walking disaster.
Carson to Andrea: Kiss him goodbye. We’re gonna miss you like carbs.
Carson about shoe shopping: All of the sudden I feel like Al Bundy or something.
Kyan on Hector Sr.’s golf swing: Hector, you suck as bad as I do!
Carson on the new shoes: It’s like Christmas! But without all the liquor!
Ted on a bike: Exercise is hard. Seriously. takes a sip of champagne
Ted: He can actually gift wrap.
Kyan: You guys, they do a lot of gift wrapping in the Marines.
Carson: It’s part of their corps training.
Carson: You know what? If you drop all your Rs you’ll sound like you’re from Long Island. Spectaculah!
Patrick M.
Thom pulling out a filigreed decorative piece: Things a straight guy doesn’t want to own. This is a book I’m writing.
Thom: This is the computer station. I’m loving it. I’m sure this is just a porn receptacle.
Sheila: I learned my Italian cooking from the men on Coney Island.
Carson: Wait ’til you hear what I learned from the men on Coney Island.
Carson carrying an antiquated monitor: He has really got to get a new laptop. This thing is so heavy.
Dave: Now what we’re going to do is we’re going to scale the fish. We’re just gonna scrape it up nice.
Ted: So, Dave, would you say that you’re exfoliating the fish, basically?
Dave: If that’s what you want to call it, yes.
Ted: It’s not everyday that you cook with a hammer.
Patrick: And nails.
Carson to Ted: Oh don’t you look nice and cute.
Ted: And you look cute in suede.
Carson: Thank you. It’s the new beige.
Kyan: What is it with you and sea creatures?
Ted: I hate sea creatures.
Thom: If it swims in the ocean Ted wants to kill it.
Carson: They just did the straight guy hug.
Carson and Ted hug and—in unison: I’m not gay.
Jim J.
Carson singing: Jim Joseph Jingleheimer Frizz. His hair is really damaged!
Carson: That’s not a dust bunny. That’s like a dust cat.
Carson: I’m having a total fashion emergency right now. Hello! The refrigerator is stuck to my belt.
Carson about some cat photos: It’s kitty porn! I found kitty porn!
Jim: When I’m left to my own devices it’s like, I won’t clean up after myself.
Thom: I noticed. I noticed that.
Jim: I’ll leave things out to that extent.
Thom: I don’t know if the other guys noticed, but I noticed that.
Jai: The gays are very sneaky.
Kyan pointing at Carson: That is what happens when ADHD goes undiagnosed. Right there.
Kyan: What’s up with the lemon on the board, Ted?
Ted: He’s using lemon to get the fish—
Kyan: You mean the smell of death off the board, Ted! Is that what you mean?!
Ted: Yes.
Thom: He’s kinda freaking me out, the way he’s talking. It’s like baby talk.
Kyan: He’s slipped into baby mode, right?
Carson about the girlfriend: Is it cold in here or is it just you?
James B.
Carson: Sometimes his mom finds him nude at home so they devised a plan that when she drives up to the house she honks the car horn a couple times. Let’s remember to honk the horn.
Ted: Loudly.
Carson: Start honking now.
Kyan about the basement: You know what, this feels kind of like, um, where he keeps the bodies.
Thom: I don’t think I’m going to be able to really do much to this room. I feel like your butt’s been on everything.
Ted and Carson discover a basket of shells
Ted: I’ll call you on your shell phone.
Carson: Hold on. My shell’s not working so well. Call me on my clam line.
Jim: I enjoy it because that’s who I am. Some people are going to like the way you live your life, some people aren’t.
Kyan: Trust me, I know that one.
Ted: We thought that tonight for the party you should mix some special drinks for your guests. We’ve come up with a few that might broaden your little rum repertoire just a little bit.
Jim: Cool.
Ted: So the first one we’re going to do is called a Mojito Martini.
Jai gasps: That’s from my [hometown].
Ted: Jai is Puerto Rican when it’s convenient. And he’s Italian when it’s convenient.
Kyan: Remember tonight I want you to put on your glamour gloves.
Thom: Did you just say “glamour gloves”?
Ted imitating Kyan: “Dude, you gotta put on your glamour gloves, Bro.”
Ted: He’s putting on a garment, which I think is a positive development.
Carson: It’s a rubber garment, though.
Ted: Will you stop talking about being nude all the time!
Jai: I’m thinking we really made a bigger problem.
Carson about Jim’s friend: He just dissed my shoes.
Ted: He did.
Carson: This is coming from the human penguin.
Thom: You know what? I’m all for everybody can do whatever they want do as long as they don’t hurt anybody. But I’m a little hurt.
Lee F.
Carson: What alarms me is that your sweater matches your wall color.
Kyan: I have a question. When you guys are up here do you ever say, “Wow, that’s really dusty. I oughta dust that.”?
Junior: Yeah, sometimes.
Kyan: You’re lying to me.
Kyan pulling out Elaine’s slinky evening gown: You can get into this number, huh? Nice work, mama.
Carson about Michael’s outfit: It’s not like I put him in a pink leotard or something.
Lee: You might as well have.
Jai and kids chanting: I wanna see the house! I wanna see the house!
Ted to the camera: I wanna see the house, too.
Gary K.
Kyan: Have you ever had five gay men ransack your house and rummage through everything?
Robin: No, but it’s fun.
Ted: So you guys entertain a lot?
Robin: Yes.
Boomer: Yes, they do.
Ted: And you cook a lot?
Robin: Yes.
Boomer: This is what Long Island moms do.
Robin: Actually, Long Island moms cater. I cook.
Carson: So let’s talk about suits.
Gary: I’ve always been partial to the navies.
Carson: I’ve always been partial to the Air Force. I don’t know why.
Ted about the cabinet fronts: I just have to say that this is some wicked wickah.
Carson: We should think about what we want to wear for this big celebration.
Jai: Celebration?
Carson: Look, it’s Kool without his gang.
Ted calling in the boys: Hey, Thom, Carson, Kyan… the other guy. Whoever that is.
Gary: Next time I’m watching cartoons with the kids and they ask me who my favorite Super Friend is, I think I’m gonna tell them that not all super heroes wear cape and tights. That some of them wear lavender couture.
Michael L.
Thom: So I’m redoing a trailer?
Carson: You’re redoing a trailer.
Thom: Yes!
Jai: Holy Mother of… Eek.
Ted: I think we should swing together. It’s always more fun.
Thom: It’s perfect if there’s three people to swing.
Angel: And… no it’s only… two.
Ted: Two’s fine.
Kyan: Two can swing and one can watch, I think is always good.
Ted: Okay. That sounds like fun.
Thom: I’ll photograph.
Jai about Carson: One word you’re gonna need to know in the English language when you’re around him: No!
Carson: We’re gonna pimp your head.
Pat M.
Thom: God Bless America, that’s an ugly tie.
Thom: Oh my god. Were you a pimp at one point in your life?
Kyan: Ted, what in god’s name are you doing with a glass of wine?
Ted: Well you know I just thought the ambience in here is terrible, but at least I oughta have a beverage.
Kyan: Okay, you are now a bigger lush than Thom Filicia.
Ted: This gives me so much energy I wanna punch Kyan.
Kyan petting Ted’s hair: Really? Violence is physical activity from you?
Kyan: My name is Professor Kyan Douglas. With one S.
Student: How do you know if you have jock itch?
Kyan: If you have jock itch, you’ll know it. Basically, first of all, it’ll itch. But it’s a fungus, so it’ll look red, it’ll be swollen, and be itchy […] If it burns when you pee, that’s another story.
Carson: A coach taking his pants off at school kinda freaks me out.
Danny K.
Danny: They both have pink in them.
Carson: They do both have pink in them. Very keen. You sank my battleship.
Joe U. : The Proposal
Ted: What straight man would ever paint a room this color, Thom?
Jai to Kyan: Make sweet, sweet love to me down by the fire.
Kyan: Oh, my God… You’re scaring me!
Carson in Joe’s closet: Oh, toasted pumpkin…that was a BIG color back in ’74!
Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hey, I just got that! I gotta lot of compliments on that!
Carson: You did? From people with German shepherds and canes?
Ted about the motorcycle plaque: Hey Joe. Nice engagement ring! I like that. That’s really nice.
Thom: Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more depressing Ted. He’s got plastic utensils in plastic cups.
Ted: Yeah.
Scott about sailing: This is a lot of work for Laura.
Joe: She ain’t gonna want to do this.
Kyan and Jai: She’s already doing this!
Mr. Uva: What did you do to my baby?
Carson: Well that’s a different story. That’s an after-school special.
Thom: An Italian mother should always be in the dining room…or the kitchen!
Thom: I would’ve totally done it over the phone because I wouldn’t want to get beat up by her father.
Carson: I would’ve sent an email.
Thom: It’s a place for your daughter to live—if she says “yes”!
Carson: Sometimes no is just a slow yes.
Carson about the flowers: This will be a test of which guy’s gay.
Thom: Wouldn’t it be funny if she fell in love with the messenger?
Carson: Don’t shoot on the messenger. My next film.
Carson: I think you’re supposed to ask before you put the ring on. But that’s a good way of getting a yes.
Joe U. : The Wedding
Ted: It’s St. Bart’s Church. I think Carson should go in—
Thom: Carson, you go in first and if it doesn’t burn down, we’ll come in after you!
Carson about the engraved pillar: Vandalism used to be so elegant, you know?
Ted: That’s one hell of a halibut!
Thom: My God, I’m gonna have to have my stomach pumped!
Carson: Now this lady looks like she has a penis. Oh that’s not the bride. That’s the groom. You can design for ’em but you can’t pick ’em.
Carson: Bridesmaid sounds so antiquated, don’t you think? How about bridepeeps?
Carson (?): Think you’re gonna have kids?
Joe: Yeah…
Carson: If you’re going to have children may I suggest the name Carson. It works for a boy or a girl. My parents weren’t even sure for the first few years.
Carson: Whether you’re a gay couple or a straight couple, being in love should be honored and shared.
Kyan: Kill two birds with one stone. Keep your eye cream in the refrigerator. sticks his tongue on the side (and gets stuck). Ow!
Ted: Wow. The bride’s getting plastered. Okay.
Christian H.
Thom: That’s the only person you can get to eat your cooking.
Ted: Ohhh, that’s not true!
Jai: You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you— Ow!
Ted: You’re the lord of a very wee grill.
Carson: Peanut butter, dog’s best friend! while dog licks his face. Oh, Stanley! These dogs love me.
Ted: That’s because you have the same basic IQ level.
Carson: And the whole thing is we’re going to try to find things that are kind of “off the rack”. Even the food.
Ted: Except the pig, which you’re going to have to slaughter and roast.
Christian: Sweet. I can do that.
Carson: You have to spay and neuter it first though.
Carson: The groom is having a bit of butterflies. Either that or he was up all night on quaaludes.
Seth: There’s a wall that Suzanne and one of her friends tried to redo.
Friend: We figured we’d take down the wallpaper in the TV room.
Seth: It looks like something out of Cops.
Friend: Ripped it. And it took everything down to the sheet rock.
Ted and Thom are doing color commentary
Ted: These are “endive”.
Thom: Gay people say “on-deev”. Everyone ELSE says “END-eev”.
Ted: When we put these carrots around here…Thom, why are we doing that? Back to you… Thom!
Thom: Because they bring color into the platter and they’re also edible because they’re FOOD!
Kyan: We all brought our pets!
Ted: Well I brought my fish Nobu.
Thom: I should have brought my chopsticks.
Thom: Wow. There seems to be some controversy in the food styling area.
Dad: Do you think Seth thinks he’s going to win an Academy Award for this?
Carson about Suzanne’s reaction to the surprise wedding: We may have done a very bad thing.
David P.
Carson: Oy. I’m gonna be your little goy toy.
Thom: Ted, can you hear us?
Ted with the papasan frame to his ear: What?!?
Kyan: We need to change your bag, Ted!
Carson: Life in the Pen is so hard.
Ted: Are they treating you alright?
Carson: I have to wear orange all the time.
Thom: This is a family heirloom right here. See, you know how you can tell this is a good piece right here by the staple.
Carson: I have one little tip for you: don’t buy your home decor at Long John Silver’s anymore.
Carson: I’m gonna go dump his clothes off in an undisclosed landfill.
Thom: I hope she wears these to his mother’s house, that’s probably why she doesn’t like her
I didn’t tell you it was decorated by mental patients?
Ryan M.
Ted: Kyan, it’s like an antebellum Southern toilet paper cozy. Kyan attacks him with a random spray bottle
Carson: Now Kristen’s gonna be involved but at least she won’t be there, so you know, what happens on your lap stays on your lap.
Kyan: We want you to know, dude, you’re gonna have food, you’re gonna have booze, you’re gonna have cigars, you’re gonna have strippers…. They’re gonna be male strippers but you’re gonna have strippers.
Kristen: Just to get my nerves under control, I’m gonna be bouncing out of this cake, right? There’s gonna be just, like, his friends around. There’s not gonna be random people at this?
Jai: No no. How many seats are there in the Garden?
Carson: I think Nassau Coliseum holds 50,000.
Carson: Something about looking like Shirley Temple is not hot to me.
Kyan: Oh really? Have you looked in the mirror yet, Shirley?
Carson: It’s like a drunken Blair Witch Project.
Kyan: I’m exhausted watching this.
Carson: Okay, these are firemen and they can’t find their way around.
Jai: This is very, like, drunken Amazing Race.
Moose Lodge
Ted: These guys just don’t get together and get drunk…they raise funds for children.
Thom: They get drunk for a reason.
Ted: They’re drunks with heart.
Carson: Nice to meet you, Ron—
Kyan: Oh, I’m gonna tell you now—you better watch out for him
Thom: Who are all these people? Looks like a lot of tax evasions going on around here.
Ted in the lodge’s red jacket: Congratulations. You’re Century 21’s top seller of the month for Dayton, Ohio.
Carson: I’m gonna try and get new members. sticks his head out the door Hey! They’ve got a bar in here.
Michael B.
Carson: You Bacon people are very young-looking. You’ve got good genes. On both sides.
Kevin: I’d love to tell you it’s clean living. But it’s not.
Mom: On both sides.
Michael: Now one thing, it’s very moving to me that you valued our art. I get the feeling that if I walked into this place, that this is somebody who really cares about these paintings. Because it’s true.
Carson: Now don’t be mad at us. These are actually color Xeroxes. We sold the originals.
Thom: To pay for this.
Ted: Alright Carson. Get all those bacon jokes out of your system.
Carson: I am. I’m purging myself of all pork products.
Kyan about Ted’s complex recipe: You’re a real asshole, Ted.
Thom: They have a really great relationship. I think that could also be the magic of boarding school.
Carson: Actually that’s not even a meat grinder. That’s a carburetor from a ’56 Impala.