The Empty Hearse
Previously…
Sherlock: It’s a trick. Just a magic trick.
Watson: No. All right stop it now.
Sherlock: No, stay exactly where you are. Don’t move.
Watson: All right.
Sherlock: Keep your eyes fixed on me. Please, will you do this for me?
Watson: Do what?
Sherlock: This phone call, it’s, um… it’s my note.
That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note.
Watson: Leave a note when?
Sherlock: Goodbye, John.
Watson: Nope. Don’t—
Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs) about the sugar: Oh no. You don’t take it, do you?
Watson: No.
Mrs. Hudson: You forget a little thing like that.
Watson: Yes.
Mrs. Hudson pointedly: You forget lots of little things, it seems.
Watson: Uh huh.
Mrs. Hudson about the moustache: Not sure about that. Ages you.
Watson: Just trying it out.
Mrs. Hudson: Well it ages you.
Watson: Look–
Mrs. Hudson: I’m not you’re mother, I’ve no right to expect it.
Watson: No–
Mrs. Hudson: But just one phone call, John! Just one phone call would have done.
Watson: I know.
Mrs. Hudson: After all we went through.
Watson: Yes. I am sorry.
Mrs. Hudson: Look, I understand how difficult it was for you after… after…
Watson: I just let it slide, Mrs. Hudson. I let it all slide. And it just got got harder and harder to pick up the phone somehow. Do you know what I mean?
Mrs. Hudson: So why now? What changed your mind?
Watson: Well I’ve got some news.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh god. Is it serious?
Watson: What? No. No, I’m not ill. Well I’m… moving on.
Mrs. Hudson: You’re immigrating.
Watson: Nope. Ah, no. I’ve met someone.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh lovely!
Watson: Yeah, we’re getting married. Well I’m going to ask anyway.
Mrs. Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?
Watson: Well yes.
Mrs. Hudson: What’s his name?
Watson: It’s a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: A woman!
Watson: Yes of course it’s a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: You really have moved on, haven’t you.
Sherlock: Can I help you with anything, sir?
Watson: Hi. Yeah, I’m looking for a bottle of champagne. A good one.
Sherlock: Hm. These are excellent vintages.
Watson: That’s not really my area. What do you suggest?
Sherlock: Well you cannot possibly go wrong. But if you’d like my personal recommendation… this last one on the list is a favorite of mine. It is, you might in fact say, like a face from the past. {he takes off the glasses}
Watson oblivious: Great. I’ll have that one please.
Sherlock: It is familiar but with a quality of surprise.
Watson: Well, ah, surprise me.
Sherlock: Certainly endeavouring to, sir.
Mary Morstan (Amanda Abbington): Now then, what did you want to ask me?
Watson: More wine?
Mary: No I’m good with water, thanks. So.
Watson: Ah, so. Mary. Listen. Um. I know it hasn’t been long. And I know we haven’t known each other for a long time…
Mary: Go on.
Watson: Yes, I will. As you know these last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. And meeting you… yeah, meeting you has been the best thing that possibly have happened.
Mary: I agree.
Watson: What?
Mary: I agree. I’m the best thing that could have happened to you. Sorry.
Watson: Well, no. It’s, um… So, if you’ll have me, Mary, could you see your way, um… if you’ll see your way to…
Sherlock: Sir, I think you will find this vintage exceptionally to your liking. It has all the qualities of the old, with some of the color of the new.
Watson: No, sorry, not now. Please.
Sherlock: Like a gaze from a crowd of strangers suddenly one is aware of staring into the face of an old friend.
Watson: No, look, seriously, could you just— {realizing}
Sherlock: Interesting thing, a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.
Watson: Two years. {he tries to compose himself} Two years. I thought… I thought… you were dead. Hm. And you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?
Sherlock: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, one question. Just let me ask one question. Are you really going to keep that? {Watson tackles him}
Sherlock: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I’d invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with body bags. Impossible. The angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling—
Watson: You know for a genius you can be remarkably thick.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: I don’t care how you faked it, Sherlock. I want to know why.
Sherlock: Why? Because Moriarty had to be stopped. Oh. Why as in… I see. Yes. Why. That’s a little more difficult to explain.
Watson: I’ve got all night.
Sherlock: Actually, um, that was mostly Mycroft’s idea.
Watson: Oh, so this was your brother’s plan.
Mary: Oh, well he would have needed a confidante.
Sherlock: Mm hm.
Mary: Sorry.
Watson: But he was the only one. The only one who knew?
Sherlock: A couple of others. It was a very elaborate plan. It had to be. The next of the thirteen possibilities–
Watson: Who else? Who else knew? Who?!
Sherlock: Molly.
Watson: Molly!
Mary: John–
Sherlock: Molly Hooper and some of my homeless network and that’s all.
Watson: Okay. okay. So just your brother and Molly Hooper and a hundred tramps.
Sherlock: No! Twenty-five at most. {Watson launches at him again}
Sherlock: Seriously, it’s not a joke. You’re really keeping this?
Watson: Ah, yeah.
Sherlock: You’re sure?
Watson: Mary likes it.
Sherlock: Mm… no she doesn’t.
Watson: She does.
Sherlock: She doesn’t.
Mary: Wha– Don’t.
Watson: Oh, brilliant!
Mary: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.
Watson: Really no, this
is charming. I’ve really missed this.
Watson: One word, Sherlock! That is all I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
Sherlock: I’ve nearly been in contact so many times, but… I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Oh you know, let the cat out of the bag.
Watson: Oh so this is my fault? {Mary starts laughing} Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong?! The only one reacting like a human being!
Sherlock: Over-reacting.
Watson: Over-reacting!
Mary: John!
Watson: Over-reacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here, large as bloody life, but I’m not supposed to have a problem with that, no. Because Sherlock Holmes thinks it’s a perfectly okay thing to do!
Sherlock: Shut up, John! I don’t want everyone knowing I’m still alive.
Watson: Oh, so it’s still a secret, is it?
Sherlock: Yes! It’s still a secret. Promise you won’t tell anyone.
Watson: Swear to God!
Sherlock: London is in danger, John. There’s an imminent terrorist attack and I need your help.
Watson: My help?
Sherlock: You have missed this. Admit it. The thrill of the chase. The blood pumping through your veins. Just the two of us against the rest of the world. {Watson head butts him}
Watson: Can you believe his nerve?
Mary: I like him.
Watson: What?
Mary: I like him.
Sherlock: No. Stay exactly where you are.
Watson: Where are you?
Sherlock: Don’t move. Keep your eyes fixed on me.
Watson: What? What’s happening? What’s going on?
Sherlock: Please, will you do this for me? Please?
Watson: Do what?
Sherlock: This phone call, it’s my note. That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note. {Moriarty starts to giggle and Sherlock shushes him}
Watson: Leave a note when?
Sherlock: Goodbye, John.
Watson: Nope. Sherlock!
{Sherlock and Moriarty laugh and then, after a moment, go in for a kiss}
Mary: What are you doing?
Watson: Having a wash.
Mary: You’re shaving it off.
Watson: Well you hate it.
Mary: Sherlock hates it.
Watson: Apparently everyone hates it.
Mary: Oo. Are you going to see him again?
Watson: No. I’m going to work.
Mary: Oh. And after work are you going to see him again?
Mary: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and then his nibs turns up and all it’s–
Watson: I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes.
Mary: You should put that on a t-shirt.
Watson: Shaddup.
Mary: Or what?
Watson: Or I’ll marry you.
Watson: Clients?
Sherlock: Just my parents.
Watson: Your parents?
Sherlock: In town for a few days.
Watson: Your parents?
Sherlock: Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Miz. Tried to talk me into doing it.
Watson: Those were your parents?
Sherlock: Yes.
Watson: Well. That is not what I…
Sherlock: What?
Watson: I mean they’re just so… ordinary.
Sherlock: It’s a cross I have to bear.
Watson: Did they know too?
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: That you spent the last two years playing hide-and-seek.
Sherlock: Maybe.
Watson: Ah, so that’s why they weren’t at the funeral.
Sherlock: Sorry. Sorry again. … Sorry.
Sherlock: I see you shaved it off then.
Watson: Yeah. It wasn’t working for me.
Sherlock: I’m glad.
Sherlock: I can’t see the pattern It’s too nebulous. Why would an agent give his life to tell us something incredibly insignificant? That’s what’s strange.
Watson: Give his life?
Sherlock: according to Mycroft. There’s an underground network planning an attack on London. That’s all we know. These are my rats, John.
Watson: Rats?
Sherlock: My markers. Agents, lowlifes. People who might find themselves arrested or their diplomatic immunity suddenly rescinded. If one of them starts acting suspiciously we know something’s up. Five of them are behaving perfectly normally. But the sixth…
Watson: I know him, don’t I?
Sherlock: Lord Moran. Peer of the realm. Minister for Overseas Development. Pillar of the establishment.
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: He’s been working for North Korea since 1996.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: He’s the big rat. Rat Number One. He’s just done something very suspicious indeed.
Sherlock: Mycroft’s intelligence, it’s not nebulous. It’s always specific. Incredibly specific.
Watson: What do you mean?
Sherlock: Not an underground network, John. It’s an Underground network.
Watson: Right. What?
Sherlock: Sometimes a deception is so audacious, so outrageous that you can’t see it even when it’s staring you in the face. Look. Seven carriages leave Westminster. But only six carriages arrive at St. James’s Park.
Watson: What? But that’s impossible.
Sherlock: Moran didn’t disappear. The entire tube compartment did.
Sherlock: Lord Moran, he’s a peer of the realm. Normally he’d sit in the House. Tonight there’s an all-night sitting devoted to the new anti-terrorism bill. But he won’t be there. Not the fifth of November.
Watson: Remember, remember.
Sherlock: The Gunpowder treason and plot.
Watson: So what’s down there, a bomb? {Sherlock rushes out} Oh.
Sherlock: I don’t understand.
Watson: Well there’s a first.
Sherlock: This is the bomb.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: It’s not carrying explosives. The whole compartment is the bomb.
Watson: We need bomb disposal.
Sherlock: There may not be time for that now.
Watson: So what do we do?
Sherlock: I have no idea.
Watson: Well think of something.
Watson: Mind palace.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: Use your mind palace.
Sherlock: How will that help?
Watson: You’ve sorted away every fact under the sun!
Sherlock: Oh, do you think I’ve just got “How to defuse a bomb” tucked away in there somewhere?
Watson: Yes!
Sherlock: Maybe.
Sherlock: I can’t do it, John. I don’t know how. Forgive me.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Please, John. Forgive me for all the hurt that I caused you.
Watson: No no no no. This is a trick.
Sherlock: No.
Watson: Another one of your bloody tricks.
Sherlock: No.
Watson: And you’re just trying to make me say something nice.
Sherlock: Not this time.
Watson: I wanted you not to be dead.
Sherlock: Yeah, well. Be careful what you wish for. If I hadn’t come back you wouldn’t be standing there. You’d still have a future. With Mary.
Watson: Yeah. I know.
Watson: Look, I find it difficult. I find it difficult, this sort of stuff.
Sherlock: I know.
Watson: You are the best and the wisest man that I have ever known. And yes, of course I forgive you.
Sherlock: Your face.
Watson: You utter… you!
Sherlock: Your face. I totally had you.
Watson: You cock! I knew it. I knew it! I…
Sherlock: Oh those things, you said such sweet things. I never knew you cared.
Watson: I will kill you if you ever breath a word of this—
Sherlock: Scout’s honor.
Watson: —to anyone! You knew! You knew how to turn it off!
Sherlock: There’s an off switch. There’s always an off switch. Terrorists can get into all sorts of problems unless there’s an off switch.
Watson: And you did call the police.
Sherlock: Of course I called the police.
Watson: I’m definitely going to kill you.
Sherlock: Oh please. Killing me. That’s so two years ago.
Watson: I’m still waiting.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: Why did they try and kill me? IF they knew you were on to them, why go after me? Put me in the bonfire?
Sherlock: I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing.
Watson: You’d have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
Sherlock: Love what?
Watson: Being Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
Watson: Sherlock, you are going to tell me how you did it. How you jumped off that building and survived.
Sherlock: You know my methods, John. I’m known to be indestructible.
Watson: No but seriously. When you were dead I went to your grave.
Sherlock: I should hope so.
Watson: I made a little speech. I actually spoke to you.
Sherlock: I know. I was there.
Watson: I asked you for one more miracle. I asked you to stop being dead.
Sherlock: I heard you.
The Sign of Three
Help.
Baker St. Now.
Help me.
Please.
Sherlock: So in fact… you mean…
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: I’m your… best… friend?
Watson: Man. Yeah, of course you are. Of course you’re my best friend. {Sherlock takes a sip out of the eyeball glass}. And how was that?
Sherlock: Surprisingly okay.
Mary: He’s YouTubing serviettes.
Watson: He’s thorough.
Mary: He’s terrified.
Watson: Why have you suddenly taken an interest in another human being?
Sherlock: I’m chatting. {beat} Won’t be trying that again.
Watson: See the thing about Mary, she had completely turned my life around. Changed everything. But for the record, over the last two years there are two people that have done that, and the other one is– . a complete dickhead.
Sherlock: I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?
Watson: No, I don’t have an international reputation.
Sherlock: No. and I can’t even remember what for. S… crime. Something like that.
Sherlock: John, wake up. The game is… something.
Watson: On.
Sherlock: Yeah, that. That.
Lestrade: What a couple of light weights. You couldn’t even make it ’til closing time.
Watson: Can you whisper?
Lestrade: Not really!
Watson: Sherlock, any chance of an end date for this speech? We’ve gotta cut the cake.
Sherlock: Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once. Vatican cameos.
Mary: What did he say? What does that mean?
Watson: Battle stations. Someone’s going to die.
Watson: You are not a puzzle solver, you never have been. You’re a drama queen.
Sherlock: Stop panicking.
Watson: I’m not panicking.
Mary: I’m pregnant, I’m panicking.
Sherlock: Don’t panic. None of you panic. Absolutely no reason to panic.
Watson: Oh, and you’d know of course?
Sherlock: Yes I would. You’re already the best parents in the world. Look at all the practice you’ve had.
His Last Vow
Watson: Is it Sherlock Holmes you want? Because I’ve not seen him in ages.
about a month.
Who’s Sherlock Holmes?
Mary: See? That does happen.
Watson: There is nothing the matter with me! Imagine I said that without shouting.
Mary: I’m trying.
Watson: No, you can’t come. You’re pregnant.
Mary: You can’t go. I’m pregnant.
Watson: I’m asking you if you’ve seen Isaac Whitney and now you’re showing me a knife. Is it a clue?
Bill Wiggins: Mental, you are.
Watson: Nope. Just used to a better class of criminal.
Watson: Sherlock Holmes in a drug den. How’s that going to look?
Sherlock: I’m undercover.
Watson: No, you’re not!
Sherlock: Well I’m not now!
Sherlock: Hang on, weren’t there other people?
Watson: Mary is taking the boys home, I’m taking you. We did discuss it.
Sherlock: People were talking, none of them me. I must have filtered.
Watson: I noticed.
Sherlock: Had to filter out a lot of witless babble. I’ve had Mrs. Hudson on semi-permanent mute.
Mycroft: Well then, Sherlock. Back on the sauce?
Sherlock: What are you doing here?
Watson: I phoned him.
Mycroft: The siren call of old habits. How very like Uncle Rudy. Though in many ways cross dressing would have been a wiser path for you.
Sherlock: You phoned him.
Watson: Of course I bloody phoned him.
Mycroft: ‘Course he bloody did. Now, save me a little time. Where should we be looking?
Sherlock: We?
Philip Anderson (Jonathan Aris): Mr. Holmes!
Sherlock: For God’s sake!
Watson: What happened to my chair?
Sherlock: It was blocking my view to the kitchen.
Watson: Well it’s good to be missed.
Sherlock: Yeah, you were gone. I saw an opportunity.
Watson: No, you saw the kitchen.
Watson: It’s for a case, you said?
Sherlock: Yep.
Watson: What sort of case?
Sherlock: Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
Watson: You trying to put me off?
Sherlock: God no. I’m trying to recruit you.
Watson: You have a girlfriend.
Sherlock: Yes I have.
Sherlock: I’ve dealt with murderers, psychopaths, terrorists, serial killers. None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Watson: Yes, you have.
Sherlock: Sorry, what?
Watson: You have a girlfriend.
Sherlock: Well we’re in a good place. It’s, um, very affirming.
Watson: You got that from a book.
Sherlock: Everyone got that from a book.
Janine: I haven’t told Mary about this. I kind of wanted to surprise her.
Watson: Yeah, I think you probably will.
Sherlock: Did you notice the one extraordinary thing he did?
Watson: There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah.
Sherlock: Exactly. When he showed us the letters.
Watson: Okay.
Sherlock: If I was to use this card on that lift now, what happens?
Watson: Ah, the alarms would go off and you’d be dragged away by security.
Sherlock: Exactly.
Watson: You’d be taken to a small room somewhere, and your head kicked in.
Sherlock: Do we really need so much color?
Watson: It passes the time.
Watson: Jesus. Sherlock. She loves you.
Sherlock: Yes. Like I said. Human error.
Watson: What are you going to do?
Sherlock: Well not actually marry her, obviously. There’s only so far you can go.
Watson: So what will you tell her?
Sherlock: Well I’ll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to break into her boss’ office. I imagine she’ll want to stop seeing me at that point but you’re the expert on women.
Watson: We should call the police.
Sherlock: During our own burglary? You’re really not a natural at this, are you?
Mrs. Hudson: What is going on?
Watson: Bloody good question.
Sherlock: The Watsons are about to have a domestic. And fairly quickly, I hope, because we have work to do.
Watson: No, I have a better question. Is everyone I’ve ever met a psychopath?
Sherlock: Yes. Good that we’ve settled that.
Watson to Mary: You. What have I ever done? Hm? My whole life, to deserve you?
Sherlock: Everything.
Watson: Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.
Sherlock: No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything. Everything you’ve ever done is what you did.
Watson: Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
Sherlock: You were a doctor who went to war. You’re a man who couldn’t stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That’s me by the way, hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
Mrs. Hudson: It was my husband’s cartel. I was just typing.
Sherlock: And exotic dancing.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock Holmes. If you’ve been YouTube-ing —
Sherlock: John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You’re abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you’ve fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
Watson: But she wasn’t supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
Sherlock: Because you chose her.
Why is everything always my fault!
Watson: So that’s what you were? An assassin? How could I not see that?
Mary: You did see that. And you married me. Because he’s right. It’s what you like.
Sherlock: You can trust Mary. She saved my life.
Watson: She shot you.
Sherlock: Mixed messages, I grant you.
Watson: The problems of your pas are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege. That’s all I have to say, that’s all I need to know.
Watson: All this does not mean that I’m not still basically pissed off at you.
Sherlock: I know, I know.
Watson: I am very pissed off at you and it will come out now and then.
Watson: Sherlock, please tell me you haven’t just gone out of your mind.
Sherlock: I’d rather keep you guessing.
Sherlock: Coming?
Watson: Where?
Sherlock: Want your wife to be safe?
Watson: Yeah, of course I do.
Sherlock: Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous. One false move and we’ll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnussen is quite simple the most dangerous man we’ve ever encountered and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us.
Watson: But it’s Christmas.
Sherlock: I feel the same. Oh, you mean it’s actually Christmas.
Sherlock: Did you bring your gun as I suggested?
Watson: Why would I bring my gun to your parents’ house for Christmas dinner?
Sherlock: Is it in your coat?
Watson: Yes.
Magnussen: Knowing is owning.
Watson: But if you just know it, then you don’t have proof.
Magnussen: Proof? What would I need proof for. I’m in news, you moron. I don’t have to prove it, I just have to print it.
Watson: The game is over.
Sherlock: The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now. That’s okay. The east wind takes us all in the end.
Watson: What’s that?
Sherlock: It’s a story my brother told me when we were kids. The east wind. This terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path. Seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the Earth. That was generally me.
Watson: Nice.
Sherlock: He was a rubbish big brother.
Watson: But he’s dead. I mean you told me he was dead. Moriarty.
Sherlock: Absolutely. He blew his own brains out.
Watson: So how can he be back?
Sherlock: Well if he is, he’d better wrap up warm. There’s an east wind coming.