A Scandal in Belgravia
John Watson (Martin Freeman): What happened there?
Sherlock: Someone changed his mind. The question is, who?
Sherlock: What are you typing?
Watson: Blog.
Sherlock: About?
Watson: Us.
Sherlock: You mean me.
Watson: Why?
Sherlock: Well you’re typing a lot. {the doorbell rings} Right then. So, what have we got?
Sherlock: Geek Interpreter. What’s that?
Watson: That’s the title.
Sherlock: What does it need a title for?
Sherlock: Do people actually read your blog?
Watson: Where do you think our clients come from.
Sherlock: I have a web site.
Watson: In which you enumerate two hundred and forty different types of tobacco. Which is why nobody’s reading your web site. Right then. Dyed blonde hair, no obvious cause of death except for these speckles. Whatever they are.
DI Lestrade (Rupert Graves): There was a plane crash in Dusseldorf yesterday. Everyone dead.
Sherlock: Suspected terrorist bomb. {to John} I do watch the news.
Watson: You said, “boring” and turned over.
Lestrade: According to the flight details, this man was checked in on board. Inside his coat he’s got a stub from his boarding pass, napkins from the flight, even one of these special biscuits. Here’s his passport, stamped from Berlin airport. So this man should have died in a plane crash in Germany yesterday, but instead he’s in a car boot in Suffolk.
Sherlock: No no, don’t mention the unsolved ones.
Watson: People want to know you’re human.
Sherlock: Why?
Watson: Because they’re interested.
Sherlock: No they’re not. Why are they?
Watson: You realize this is a tiny bit humiliating.
Sherlock: It’s okay, I’m fine. Now, show me to the stream.
Watson: I didn’t really mean for you.
Sherlock: Look, this is a six. There’s no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven. We agreed. Alright go back, show me the grass.
Watson: When did we agree that?
Sherlock: We agreed it yesterday. Stop! Closer.
Watson: I wasn’t even at home yesterday, I was in Dublin.
Sherlock: It’s hardly my fault you weren’t listening. {the doorbell rings} Shut up!
Watson: Do you just carry on talking when I’m away?
Sherlock: I don’t know. How often are you away?
Sherlock: Pass me over.
Watson: Alright, but there’s a mute button and I will use it.
Watson checks out the surroundings
Watson: Are you wearing any pants?
Sherlock: No.
Watson: Okay. {they start laughing} Buckingham Palace. Right. I am seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray.
Watson: What are we doing here? Sherlock, no, seriously. What?
Sherlock: I don’t know.
Watson: Here to see the Queen? {Mycroft appears}
Sherlock: Oh! Apparently, yes.
Mycroft Holmes (Mark Gatiss): Just once can you two behave like grown-ups?
Watson: We solve crimes, I blog about it and he forgets his pants. I wouldn’t hold out too much hope.
Sherlock: Can I have a box of matches?
Harry: I’m sorry?
Sherlock: Or your cigarette lighter. Either will do.
Harry: I don’t smoke.
Sherlock: No, I know you don’t. But your employer does.
Harry: We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little fact, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock: I’m not the Commonwealth.
Watson: And that’s as modest as he gets.
Watson: Okay. The smoking. How did you know?
Sherlock: The evidence is right under your nose, John. As ever you see but do not observe.
Watson: Observe what?
Sherlock: The ashtray. {he pulls it from his pocket}
Watson: Punch you?
Sherlock: Yes. Punch me. In the face. Didn’t you hear me?
Watson: I always hear “punch me in the face” when you’re speaking, but it’s usually subtext.
Sherlock: Okay, I think we’ve done now, John.
Watson: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people.
Sherlock: You were a doctor!
Watson: I had bad days!
Irene Adler: Somebody loves you. If I had to punch that face I’d avoid your nose and teeth too.
Watson: Could you put something on please? Ah, anything at all. Napkin?
Irene Adler: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
Sherlock: I don’t think John knows where to look.
Irene Adler: No. I think he knows exactly where. Not sure about you.
Watson: I should warn you, I think Lestrade filmed you on his phone.
Sherlock: Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.
Watson: Though not the way she treats royalty.
Watson: See I’m wondering who could have got ahold of your phone because it would have been in your coat, wouldn’t it?
Sherlock: I leave you to your deductions.
Watson: I’m not stupid, you know.
Sherlock: I do get that idea.
Mycroft: Have you found anything?
Watson: No. Did he take the cigarette?
Mycroft: Yes.
Watson: Shit.
Watson: Looks like he’s clean. We’ve tried all the usual places. Are you sure tonight’s a danger night?
Mycroft: No. But then I never am. You have to stay with him, John.
Watson: I’ve got plans.
Mycroft: No.
Jeanette: You know my friends are so wrong about you. You’re a great boyfriend.
Watson: Okay, that’s good. I mean I always thought I was great.
Jeanette: And Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.
Sherlock: The count on your blog is still stuck at one thousand eight hundred and ninety-five.
Watson: Yes, it’s faulty. Can’t seem to fix it.
Sherlock: Faulty. Or you’ve been hacked and it’s a message.
Watson: Has he ever had any kind of girlfriend, boyfriend—a relationship—ever?
Mrs. Hudson: I don’t know.
Watson: How can we not know?
Mrs. Hudson: He’s Sherlock. How will we ever know what goes on in that funny old head.
Watson: You know Mycroft could just phone me if he didn’t have this bloody stupid power complex.
Watson: He’s writing sad music. Doesn’t eat. Barely talks. Only to correct the television. I’d say he was heartbroken, but, ah, he’s Sherlock. He does all that anywa— {he sees Irene}
Irene Adler: Hello Dr. Watson.
Watson: Tell him you’re alive.
Irene Adler: He’d come after me.
Watson: I’ll come after you if you don’t.
Irene Adler: Oh, I believe you.
Irene Adler: Look, I made a mistake. I sent something to Sherlock for safe keeping and now I need it back, so I need your help.
Watson: No.
Irene Adler: It’s for his own safety.
Watson: So’s this: tell him you’re alive.
Irene Adler: I can’t.
Watson: Fine. I’ll tell him. And I still won’t help you.
Irene Adler: What do I say?
Watson: What do you normally say?! You’ve texted him a lot!
Irene Adler: Just the usual stuff.
Watson: There is no usual in this case.
Watson: You flirted with Sherlock Holmes?
Irene Adler: At him. He never replies.
Watson: No, Sherlock always replies. To everything. He’s Mr. Punchline. He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Irene Adler: Does that make me special?
Watson: I don’t know, maybe.
Irene Adler: You jealous?
Watson: We’re not a couple.
Irene Adler: Yes you are. {she sends a test} There. “I’m not dead. Let’s have dinner.”
Watson: For the record, if anyone out there still cares, I’m not actually gay.
Irene Adler: Well I am. Look at us both. {they hear Sherlock’s phone in the distance}
Watson: What the hell is happening?
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson’s been attacked by an American. I’m restoring the balance to the universe.
Watson: Are you going to tell me what’s going on?
Sherlock: I expect so, now go.
Watson: She’ll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.
Mrs. Hudson: No.
Sherlock: She’s fine.
Watson: No, she’s not. Look at her. She’s got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor’s orders.
Sherlock: Don’t be absurd.
Watson: She’s in shock, for god’s sake! And all over some stupid bloody camera phone. Where is it anyway?
Sherlock: Safest place I know.
Mrs. Hudson: He left it in the pocket of his second best dressing gown, you clot. I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
Sherlock: I think we have a client.
Watson: What, in your bedroom? Oh.
Irene Adler: I make my way in the world. I misbehave. I like to know people will be on my side exactly when I need them to be.
Sherlock: So how do you acquire this information?
Irene Adler: I told you. I misbehave.
Sherlock: But you’ve acquired something that’s more danger than protection. Do you know what it is?
Irene Adler: Yes. But I don’t understand it.
Sherlock: Assumed. Show me.
Sherlock: You’re rather good.
Irene Adler: You’re not so bad.
Watson: Hamish! {they look startled} John Hamish Watson, just if you’re looking for baby names.
Watson: Is that the file on Irene Adler?
Mycroft: Closed forever. I am about to go and inform my brother—or if you prefer, you are—that she somehow got herself into a witness protection scheme in America. New name, new identity. She will survive—and thrive. But he will never see her again.
Watson: Why would he care? He despised her at the end. Won’t even mention her by name. Just The Woman.
Mycroft: Is that loathing or a salute? One of a kind, the one woman who matters.
Watson: He’s not like that. He doesn’t feel things that way. I don’t think.
Mycroft: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
Watson: I don’t know.
Mycroft: Neither do I. But initially he wanted to be a pirate.
Watson: He’ll be okay with this. Witness protection, never seeing her again. He’ll be fine.
Mycroft: I agree. That’s why I decided to tell him that.
Watson: Instead of what?
Mycroft: She’s dead. She was captured by a terrorist cell in Karachi two months ago and beheaded.
Watson: It’s definitely her? She’s done this before.
Mycroft: I was thorough this time. It would take Sherlock Holmes to fool me. And I don’t think he was on hand. Do you? So. {he pushes over the file} What should we tell Sherlock?
Watson: Did she ever text you again, after all that?
Sherlock: Once. A few months ago.
Watson: What did she say?
Sherlock: “Goodbye Mr Holmes”.
The Hounds of Baskerville
Holmes covered in blood: Well that was tedious.
Watson: You went on the Tube like that?
Sherlock: None of the cabs would take me.
Sherlock: John. I need some. Get me some.
Watson: No.
Sherlock: Get me some.
Watson: No. Cold turkey, we agreed. No matter what. Anyway, you’ve paid everyone off, remember? No one in a two-mile radius will sell you any.
Sherlock: Stupid idea. Who’s idea was that? {John clears his throat}
Sherlock: Phone Lestrade. Tell him there’s an escaped rabbit.
Watson: Are you serious?
Sherlock: It’s this or Cluedo.
Watson: Ah, no. We are never playing that again.
Sherlock: Why?
Watson: Because it’s not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock.
Sherlock: It was the only possible solution.
Watson: Not in the rules.
Sherlock: Well then the rules are wrong!
Watson: Single ring.
Sherlock: Maximum pressure just under the half-second.
Both: Client.
Watson: Red eyes, cold black fur. Enormous… dog? Wolf?
Sherlock: Or a genetic experiment.
Henry: Are you laughing at me, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock: Why, are you joking?
Watson: Henry, whatever did happen to your father, it was twenty years ago. Why come to us now?
Henry: I’m not sure you can help me, Mr. Holmes, because you find it all so funny.
Sherlock: Because of what happened last night.
Watson: Why? What happened last night?
Watson: Not now, Sherlock.
Sherlock: Oh please. I’ve been cooped up here for ages.
Watson: You’re just showing off.
Sherlock: Of course. I am a show-off, that’s what we do.
Henry: You’ll come down then?
Sherlock: No, I can’t leave London at the moment. Far too busy. But don’t worry. I’m putting my best man onto it. Always rely on John to send me all the relevant data as he never understands a word of it himself.
Watson: What are you talking about, you’re busy? You don’t have a case. A minute ago you were complaining—
Sherlock: Bluebell, John! I’ve got Bluebell. The case of the vanishing glow-in-the-dark rabbit. NATO’s in uproar.
Henry: Oh, sorry. You’re not coming then? {Sherlock shakes his head forlornly}
Watson realizing the problem: Oh. Okay. Okay. {he grabs the cigarettes from under the skull}
Sherlock: Don’t need those anymore, I’m going to Dartmoor. You go on ahead, Henry. We’ll follow later.
Henry: Sorry, so you are coming?
Sherlock: Twenty year old disappearance, a monstrous hound. I wouldn’t miss this for the world!
Watson: Oh. Looks like Mrs. Hudson finally got to the wife in Doncaster.
Sherlock: Wait ’til she finds out about the one in Islamabad.
Watson: I couldn’t help noticing on the map of the moor. A skull and crossbones?
Gary (Gordon Kennedy): Oh that.
Watson: Pirates?
Gary: Eh no. No. the Great Grimpen Minefield, they call it.
Watson: Oh right.
Gary: It’s not what you think. It’s the Baskerville testing site. It’s been going for eighty-odd years. I’m not sure anyone knows what’s there anymore.
Watson: Explosives?
Gary: Oh not just explosives. Break ina that place and if you’re lucky you just get blowed up, so they say.
Fletcher (Stephen Wight): In the labs there—the really secret labs, he said he’d seen… terrible things. Rats as big as dogs, he said. And dogs. Dogs the size of horses.
Watson: Ah, we did say fifty.
Watson: You’ve got ID for Baskerville?
Sherlock: No. It’s not specific to this place. It’s my brother’s. Access all areas. I, um, acquired it ages ago just in case.
Watson: Brilliant.
Sherlock: It’s nothing.
Watson: We’ll get caught.
Sherlock: No we won’t. Well not just yet.
Watson: Caught in five minutes. “Oh hi, we just thought we’d come in and have a wander around your top secret weapons base.” “Really? Great! Come in. [?]” That’s if we don’t get shot.
Watson: Mycroft’s name literally opens doors.
Sherlock: I told you. He practically is the British government. I reckon we’ve got about twenty minutes before they realize something’s wrong.
Sherlock: Nice touch.
Watson: I haven’t pulled rank in ages.
Sherlock: Enjoyed it?
Watson: Oh yeah.
Watson: Did we just break in to a military base to investigate a rabbit?
Watson: Can we not do this this time?
Sherlock: Do what?
Watson: You being all mysterious with your cheekbones and turning your coat collar up so you look cool.
Sherlock: I don’t do that.
Watson: Yeah, you do.
Watson: So…
Sherlock: So we know that Dr. Stapleton performs secret genetic experiments on animals. the question is, has she been working on something deadlier than a rabbit.
Watson: To be fair, that is quite a wide field.
Sherlock: Henry’s right.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: I saw it too.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: I saw it too, John.
Watson: Just… just a minute. You saw what?
Sherlock: A hound out there in the hollow. A gigantic hound!
Watson: Let’s just stick to the facts.
Sherlock: Once you rule out the impossible, whatever remains—however improbable—must be true.
Sherlock: I’ve always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see? Body’s betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions. The grease on the lenses. The fly in the ointment.
Watson: Alright. Spock. Just take it easy.
Watson: Now why would you listen to me. I’m just your friend.
Sherlock: I don’t have friends!
Watson: Nah. Wonder why.
Watson: Okay, what about his father? He wasn’t one of your patients. Wasn’t he some sort of conspiracy nutter— theorist.
Grace Mortimer (Rosalind Knight): You’re only a nutter if you’re wrong.
Watson: And was he wrong?
Dr. Mortimer: I should think so.
Sherlock: Did you, ah, get anywhere with that Morse Code?
Watson: Nah.
Sherlock: U-M-Q-R-A, wasn’t it? Umqra.
Watson: Nothing. Look, forget it. I thought I was on to something, I wasn’t.
Sherlock: How about Louise Mortimer? Did you get anywhere with her?
Watson: No.
Sherlock: Too bad. Did you get any information?
Watson: You’re being funny now.
Sherlock: Thought it might break the ice a bit.
Watson: Funny doesn’t suit you. Stick to ice.
Sherlock: Listen. What I said before, John, I meant it. I don’t have friends. I’ve just got one.
Watson: Right. {he keeps walking}
Sherlock: John? John! You are amazing! You are fantastic!
Watson: Yes, alright. Don’t have to overdo it.
Sherlock: You’ve never been the most luminous of people, but as a conductor of light you are unbeatable.
Watson: Cheers. What?
Sherlock: Some people who aren’t geniuses have an amazing ability to stimulate it in others.
Watson: Hang on, you were saying sorry a minute ago. Don’t spoil it.
Sherlock: Oh this is Mycroft, isn’t it?
Lestrade: Now look—
Sherlock: Of course it is! One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my handler to, to spy on me incognito. Is that why you’re calling yourself Greg?
Watson: That’s his name.
Sherlock: Is it?
Watson: Yes.
Lestrade: I suppose he likes having the same faces back together. It appeals to his… his…
Watson: Aspergers?
Sherlock: Are you alright? John.
Watson: Jesus Christ, it was the hound. Sherlock, it was here. I swear it, Sherlock. It must— Did you see it? You must have?
Sherlock: It’s alright. It’s okay now.
Watson: No, it’s not! It’s not okay! I saw it, I was wrong!
Sherlock: Let’s not jump to conclusions.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: What did you see?
Watson: I told you, I saw the hound.
Sherlock: Huge, red eyes?
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: Glowing?
Watson: Yeah.
Sherlock: No.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: I made up the bit about glowing. You saw what you expected to see because I told you. You have been drugged. We have all been drugged.
Sherlock: Get out, I need to go to my mind palace.
Dr. Stapleton: Your what?
Watson: He’s not going to be doing much talking for awhile. We may as well go.
Dr. Stapleton: His what?
Watson: His mind palace. It’s a memory technique. A sort of mental map. He plots a map with a location. It doesn’t have to be a real place. And then you deposit memories there that theoretically you could never forget anything. All you have to do is find your way back to it.
Dr. Stapleton: So this imaginary location could be anything. A house or a street? But he said palace. He said it was palace.
Watson: Yeah, well he would, wouldn’t he.
Sherlock: Oh this case, Henry. Thank you. It’s been brilliant.
Watson: Sherlock.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: Timing.
Sherlock: No good?
Sherlock: So they didn’t have it put down then. The dog.
Watson: Obviously. Perhaps they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it.
Sherlock: I see.
Watson: No, you don’t.
Sherlock: No, I don’t. Sentiment?
Watson: Sentiment.
Watson: Listen, what happened to me in the lab?
Watson: Hang on. You thought it was in the sugar. You were convinced it was in the sugar.
Sherlock: Better get going, actually. There’s a train that leaves in half an hour, so if you want to…
Watson: Oh god. It was you. you locked me in that bloody lab.
Sherlock: I had to. It was an experiment.
Sherlock: I knew what effect it had on a superior mind so I needed to try it on an average one. You know what I mean.
Watson: But it wasn’t in the sugar.
Sherlock: Yeah well. I wasn’t to know you’d already been exposed to the gas.
Watson: So you got it wrong.
Sherlock: No.
Watson: You were wrong. It wasn’t in the sugar. You got it wrong.
Sherlock: A bit. Won’t happen again.
The Reichenbach Fall
Therapist: Why today?
Watson: Do you want to hear me say it?
Therapist: Eighteen months since our last appointment.
Watson: Do you read the papers?
Therapist: Sometimes.
Watson: And you watch telly. You know why I’m here. I’m here becau—
Therapist: What happened, John?
Watson: Sherlock…
Therapist: You need to get it out.
Watson: My best friend, Sherlock Holmes, is dead.
Three months earlier
Lestrade (Rupert Graves): And there’s one person we have to thank for giving us the decisive leads. With all his customary diplomacy and tact.
Watson: Sarcasm.
Sherlock: Yes.
Sherlock: Boffin! Boffin Sherlock Holmes.
Watson: Everybody gets one.
Sherlock: One what?
Watson: Tabloid nickname.
Sherlock: Why’s it always the hat photograph?
Watson: “Bachelor John Watson.”
Sherlock: What kind of hat is it anyway?
Watson: “Bachelor.” What the hell are they implying?
Sherlock: Is it a cap— ? Why’s it got two fronts?
Watson: It’s a deerstalker. “Frequently seen in the company of bachelor John Watson.”
Sherlock: How do you stalk a deer with a hat? What are you going to do, throw it? {he tries}
Watson: Confirmed bachelor John Watson.
Sherlock: Some sort of death frisbee?
Watson: Okay, this is too much. We need to be more careful.
Sherlock: It’s got flaps. Ear flaps. It’s an ear hat, John! What do you mean, “more careful”?
Watson: I mean, this isn’t a deerstalker now. It’s a Sherlock Holmes hat. I mean that you’re not exactly a private detective anymore. You’re this far from famous.
Sherlock: Oh, it’ll pass.
Watson: It better pass. The press will turn, Sherlock. They always turn. And they’ll turn on you.
Sherlock: It really bothers you.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: What people say.
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: About me. I don’t understand, why would it upset you?
Watson: Just try to keep a low profile. Find yourself a little case this week. Stay out of the news.
Watson about the suicidal mannequin: So. Did you just talk to him for a really long time?
Sherlock: Oh! Henry Fishguard never committed suicide. Bow Street runners. Missed everything.
Watson: Pressing case, is it?
Sherlock: They’re all pressing ’til they’re solved.
Watson handing him the phone: Here.
Sherlock: Not now, I’m busy.
Watson: Sherlock.
Sherlock: Not now!
Watson: He’s back.
Watson: Remember—
Sherlock: Yes.
Watson: Remember—
Sherlock: Yes.
Watson: Remember what they told you. Don’t try to be clever—
Sherlock: I know.
Watson: —and please just keep it simple and brief.
Sherlock: I’m confident a star witness at a trial should come across as intelligent.
Watson: Intelligent, fine. Let’s give smartass a wide berth.
Sherlock: I’ll just be myself.
Watson: Are you listening to me?
Watson: What did I say? I said “don’t get clever.”
Sherlock: I can’t just turn it off and on like a tap.
Watson: Bank of England, Tower of London, Pentonville. Three of the most secure places in the country and six weeks ago Moriarty breaks in, no one knows how or why. All we know is—
Sherlock: He ended up in custody.
Watson: Don’t do that.
Sherlock: Do what?
Watson: The Look.
Sherlock: The Look?
Watson: You’re doing The Look again.
Sherlock: I can’t see it, can I? {he looks in the mirror} It’s my face?
Watson: Yes, and it’s doing a thing. You’re doing a “We both know what’s really going on here” face.
Sherlock: Well we do.
Watson: No. I don’t. Which is why I find The Face so annoying.
Watson: Not guilty. They found him not guilty. No defense and Moriarty’s walked free. Sherlock, are you listening? He’s out. You know he’ll be coming after you.
Two months later
Watson at the Diogenes Club: Am I invisible? Can you actually see me?
Mycroft: Tradition, John. Our traditions define us.
Watson: So total silence is traditional, is it? You can’t even say, “Pass the sugar.”
Mycroft: Three-quarters of the diplomatic service and half the government front bench all sharing one tea trolley. It’s for the best, believe me. We don’t want a repeat of 1972.
Mycroft: He’s taken a flat at Baker Street. Two doors down from you.
Watson: Hm. I was thinking of doing a drinks thing for the neighbors.
Mycroft: I’m not sure you’ll want to. Suleimani. Albanian hit squad. Expertly trainer killer living less than twenty feet from your front door.
Watson: Well it’s a great location. Jubilee Line’s handy.
Watson: I’m sensing a pattern here.
Mycroft: In fact four top international assassins relocate within spitting distance of 221B. Anything you care to share with me?
Watson: I’m moving?
Mycroft: It’s not hard to guess the common denominator, is it?
Watson: You think this is Moriarty?
Mycroft: He promised Sherlock he’d come back.
Watson: If this was Moriarty we’d be dead already.
Mycroft: If not Moriarty, then who?
Watson: Why don’t you talk to Sherlock if you’re so concerned about him? Oh god. Don’t tell me.
Mycroft: Too much history between us, John. Old scores, resentments.
Watson: Knicked all his Smurfs. Broke his Action Man.
Mycroft: We both know what’s coming, John. Moriarty is obsessed. He’s sworn to destroy his only rival.
Watson: So you want me to watch out for your brother because he won’t accept your help.
Mycroft: If it’s not too much trouble.
Watson: Having fun?
Sherlock: Starting to.
Watson: Maybe don’t do the smiling. Kidnapped children.
Watson: What sort of kidnapper leaves clues?
Sherlock: The sort that likes to boast, the sort that think it’s all a game. He sat in our flat and he said these exact words to me: “All fairy tales need a good old fashioned villain.”
Sherlock: He died because he shook my hand.
Watson: What do you mean?
Holmes: He saved my life but he couldn’t touch me. Why?
Sherlock: Four assassins living right on our doorstep. They didn’t come here to kill me. They have to keep me alive. I’ve got something that all of them want. And if one of them approaches me…
Watson: The others kill them before they can get it.
Sherlock: They’ll be deciding.
Watson: Deciding?
Sherlock: Whether to come back with a warrant and arrest me.
Watson: You think?
Sherlock: Standard procedure.
Watson: You should have gone with him. People will think—
Sherlock: I don’t care what people think.
Watson: You’d care if they thought you were stupid or wrong.
Sherlock: No. That would just make them stupid or wrong.
Watson: Sherlock, I don’t want the world believing you’re…
Sherlock: That I am what?
Watson: A fraud.
Sherlock: You’re worried they’re right.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: You’re worried they’re right about me.
Watson: No.
Sherlock: That’s why you’re so upset. You can’t even entertain the possiblity that they might be right. You’re afraid that you’ve been taken in as well.
Watson: No I’m not.
Holmes: Moriarty is playing with your mind too. Can’t you see what’s going on!
Watson: No, I know you’re for real.
Sherlock: A hundred percent.
Watson: Nobody can fake being such an annoying dick all the time.
Sherlock: Joining me?
Watson: Yeah. Apparently it’s against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.
Sherlock: Bit awkward, this.
Watson: There’s no one to bail us.
Sherlock: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.
Watson: Just so you’re aware, the gun is his idea. I’m just a… you know…
Sherlock: My hostage!
Watson: Hostage. Yes, that works. That works. So what now?
Sherlock: Doing what Moriarty wants: becoming a fugitive. Run.
Sherlock: Take my hand.
Watson: Now people will definitely talk.
Watson: We’re going to need to coordinate.
Sherlock: Everybody wants to believe it, tThat’s what makes it so clever. A lie that’s preferable to the truth. All my brilliant deductions were just a sham. No one feels inadequate. Sherlock Holmes is just an ordinary man.
Watson: What about Mycroft? He can help us.
Sherlock: Big family reconciliation? Now’s not really the moment.
Watson: Can he do that? Completely change his identity? Make you the criminal.
Sherlock: He’s got my whole life story. That’s what you do. You sell a big lie. Wrap it up in a truth to make it more palatable.
Watson: It’ll be your word against his.
Sherlock: He’s been sowing doubt into people’s minds over the last twenty-four hours. There’s only one thing he needs to do to complete his game, and that’s—
Watson: Sherlock?
Sherlock: There’s something I need to do.
Watson: Well can I help?
Sherlock: No, on my own.
Watson: She has really done her homework, Miss Reilly. Talks of things that only someone close to Sherlock would know.
Mycroft: Ah.
Watson: Have you seen your brother’s address book lately? Two names. Yours and mine. And Moriarty didn’t get this stuff from me.
Mycroft: John—
Watson: So how does it work then, your relationship? You go out for a coffee now and then, eh? You and Jim. Your own brother, and you blabbed about his entire life to this maniac.
Mycroft: I never intend— I never dreamt.
Watson: See this is what you were trying to tell me, isn’t it? “Watch his back because I’ve made a mistake.” How’d you meet him?
Mycroft: People like him, we know about them. We watch them. But James Moriarty…. The most dangerous criminal mind the world has ever seen. And in his pocket, the ultimate weapon. The key code. A few lines of computer code that can unlock any door.
Watson: And you abducted him to try and find the key code.
Mycroft: Interrogated him for weeks.
Watson: And?
Mycroft: He wouldn’t play along. He just sat there, staring into the darkness. The only thing that made him open up… I could get him to talk. Just a little. But…
Watson: In return you had to offer him Sherlock’s life story. So it’s one big lie—Sherlock’s a big fraud—and people will swallow it because the rest of it’s true.
Watson: Moriarty wanted Sherlock destroyed, hm? And you have given him the perfect ammunition.
Mycroft: John. I’m sorry.
Watson: Oh please.
Mycroft: Tell him, would you.
Sherlock: What is it?
Watson: Paramedics. Mrs. Hudson’s been shot.
Sherlock: What. How.
Watson: Probably one of the killers you managed to attract. Jesus. Jesus. She’s dying. Sherlock, let’s go.
Sherlock: You go, I’m busy.
Watson: Busy?
Sherlock: Thinking. I need to think.
Watson: You need to— Doesn’t she mean anything to you? You once half-killed a man because he laid a finger on her.
Sherlock: She’s my landlady.
Watson: She’s dying you machine! Sod this. Sod this, you stay here if you want. On your own.
Sherlock: Alone is what I have. Alone protects me.
Watson: No. Friends protect people.
Watson: Sherlock, are you okay?
Holmes: Turn around and walk back the way you came.
Watson: No, I’m coming in.
Sherlock: Just. Do as I ask. Please.
Watson: Where?
Sherlock: Stop there.
Watson: Sherlock.
Sherlock: Okay, look up. I’m on the rooftop.
Watson: Oh god.
Sherlock: I— I— I can’t come down so we’ll just have to do it like this.
Watson: What’s going on?
Sherlock: An apology. It’s all true.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Everything they said about me. I invented Moriarty.
Watson: Why are you saying this?
Sherlock: I’m a fake.
Watson: Sherlock—
Sherlock: The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly. In fact, tell anyone who will listen to you. That I created Moriarty for my own purposes.
Watson: Okay, shut up, Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met—the first time we met—you knew all about my sister, right?
Sherlock: Nobody could be that clever.
Watson: You could.
Sherlock: I researched you. Before we met I discovered everything that I could to impress you. It’s a trick. Its just a magic trick.
Watson: No. Alright, stop it now.
Sherlock: No, stay exactly where you are. Don’t move.
Watson: Alright.
Sherlock: Keep your eyes fixed on me. Please, will you do this for me?
Watson: Do what?
Holmes: This phone call, it’s… it’s my note. That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note.
Watson: Leave a note when?
Sherlock: Goodbye, John.
Watson: No. Don’t—
Therapist: The stuff that you wanted to say. But didn’t say it…
Watson: Yeah.
Therapist: Say it now.
Watson: Well… I’m sorry, I can’t.
Watson: I’m angry.
Mrs. Hudson: It’s okay, John. There’s nothing unusual in that, that’s the way he made everyone feel. All the marks on my table and the noise. Firing guns off at one in the morning.
Watson: Yeah.
Mrs. Hudson: Bloody specimens in my fridge. Imagine! Keeping bodies where there’s food. And the fighting! Drove me up the wall with all his carryings on!
Watson: Yeah, listen. I’m not actually that angry, okay?
Mrs. Hudson: Okay. I’ll leave you alone to… you know.
Watson: Um. Hm. You… you told me once that you weren’t a hero. Um. There were times that I didn’t even think you were human. But let me tell you this, you were the best man and the most human…. human being that I have ever known, and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie. And so… there. I was so alone and I owe you so much. Please, there’s just one more thing. One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don’t be… dead. Would you do that, just for me? Just stop it, stop this… {and apparently John gets his wish}