The Empty Hearse
Previously…
Sherlock: It’s a trick. Just a magic trick.
Watson: No. All right stop it now.
Sherlock: No, stay exactly where you are. Don’t move.
Watson: All right.
Sherlock: Keep your eyes fixed on me. Please, will you do this for me?
Watson: Do what?
Sherlock: This phone call, it’s, um… it’s my note.
That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note.
Watson: Leave a note when?
Sherlock: Goodbye, John.
Watson: Nope. Don’t—
Mycroft: You have been busy, haven’t you? Quite the busy little bee.
Sherlock: Moriarty’s network. Took me two years to dismantle it.
Mycroft: And you’re confident you have?
Sherlock: The Serbian site was the last piece of the puzzle.
Mycroft: Yes. You got yourself in deep there with Baron Maupertuis. Quite a scheme.
Sherlock: Colossal.
Mycroft: Anyway,
you’re safe now.
Sherlock: Hm.
Mycroft: Small thank you wouldn’t go amiss.
Sherlock: What for?
Mycroft: For wading in. In case you’ve forgotten, field work is not my natural milieu.
Sherlock: Wading in? You sat down, watched me being beaten to a pulp!
Mycroft: I got you out.
Sherlock: No, I got me out. Why didn’t you intervene sooner?
Mycroft: I couldn’t risk giving myself away, could I? It would have ruined everything.
Sherlock: You were enjoying it.
Mycroft: Nonsense.
Sherlock: Definitely enjoying it.
Agent: One of our men died getting this information. All the traffic, all the chatter concurs. There’s going to be a terror strike on London. A big one.
Sherlock: And what about John Watson?
Mycroft: John?
Sherlock: Have you seen him?
Mycroft: Oh yes. We meet up every Friday for fish and chips. {handing him a dossier} I’ve kept a weather eye on him, of course. We haven’t been in touch at all to… prepare him.
Sherlock seeing Watson’s new look: Oh no. Well we’ll have to get rid of that.
Mycroft: We?
Sherlock: He looks ancient. I can’t be seen to be wandering around with an old man.
Sherlock: I think I’ll surprise John. He’ll be delighted.
Mycroft: You think so?
Sherlock: Hm. Pop into Baker Street. Who knows, jump out of a cake.
Mycroft: Baker Street? He isn’t there anymore. Why would he be? It’s been two years. He’s got on with his life.
Sherlock: What life? I’ve been away.
Sherlock: Where’s he going to be tonight?
Mycroft: How would I know?
Sherlock: You always know.
Mycroft: He has a dinner reservation in the Marylebone Road.
Nice little spot. They have a few bottles of the 2000 Saint-Emilion, though I prefer the 2001.
Sherlock: I think maybe I’ll just drop by.
Mycroft: You know, it is just possible that you won’t be welcome.
Sherlock: No it isn’t.
Sherlock: Now. Where is it?
Mycroft: Where’s what?
Sherlock: You know what.
Agent bringing in his coat: Welcome back, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock: Thank you. {to Mycroft} Blad.
Sherlock: Madame, can I suggest you look at this menu. It’s, ah, completely identical.
Sherlock: Can I help you with anything, sir?
Watson: Hi. Yeah, I’m looking for a bottle of champagne. A good one.
Sherlock: Hm. These are excellent vintages.
Watson: That’s not really my area. What do you suggest?
Sherlock: Well you cannot possibly go wrong. But if you’d like my personal recommendation… this last one on the list is a favorite of mine. It is, you might in fact say, like a face from the past. {he takes off the glasses}
Watson oblivious: Great. I’ll have that one please.
Sherlock: It is familiar but with a quality of surprise.
Watson: Well, ah, surprise me.
Sherlock: Certainly endeavouring to, sir.
Mary Morstan (Amanda Abbington): Now then, what did you want to ask me?
Watson: More wine?
Mary: No I’m good with water, thanks. So.
Watson: Ah, so. Mary. Listen. Um. I know it hasn’t been long. And I know we haven’t known each other for a long time…
Mary: Go on.
Watson: Yes, I will. As you know these last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. And meeting you… yeah, meeting you has been the best thing that possibly have happened.
Mary: I agree.
Watson: What?
Mary: I agree. I’m the best thing that could have happened to you. Sorry.
Watson: Well, no. It’s, um… So, if you’ll have me, Mary, could you see your way, um… if you’ll see your way to…
Sherlock: Sir, I think you will find this vintage exceptionally to your liking. It has all the qualities of the old, with some of the color of the new.
Watson: No, sorry, not now. Please.
Sherlock: Like a gaze from a crowd of strangers suddenly one is aware of staring into the face of an old friend.
Watson: No, look, seriously, could you just– {realizing}
Sherlock: Interesting thing, a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.
Mary: John? John, what is it? What?
Sherlock: Well then. Short version. Not dead. Bit mean, springing it on you like that, I know. Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will. In my defense it was very funny. okay it’s not a great defense.
Mary: Oh no, you’re–
Sherlock: Oh yes.
Mary: Oh my god–
Sherlock: Not quite.
Mary: You died. You jumped off a roof.
Sherlock: No.
Mary: You’re dead.
Sherlock: No, I’m quite sure. I checked. Excuse me. {he starts to wipe off the moustache} Does, ah, does yours rub off too?
Mary: Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?
Sherlock: Okay, John, I’m suddenly realizing I owe you some sort of an apology.
Mary: Okay, John, just keep…
Watson: Two years. {he tries to compose himself} Two years. I thought… I thought… you were dead. Hm. And you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?
Sherlock: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, one question. Just let me ask one question. Are you really going to keep that? {Watson tackles him}
Sherlock: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I’d invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with body bags. Impossible. The angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling–
Watson: You know for a genius you can be remarkably thick.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: I don’t care how you faked it, Sherlock. I want to know why.
Sherlock: Why? Because Moriarty had to be stopped. Oh. Why as in… I see. Yes. Why. That’s a little more difficult to explain.
Watson: I’ve got all night.
Sherlock: Actually, um, that was mostly Mycroft’s idea.
Watson: Oh, so this was your brother’s plan.
Mary: Oh, well he would have needed a confidante.
Sherlock: Mm hm.
Mary: Sorry.
Watson: But he was the only one. The only one who knew?
Sherlock: A couple of others. It was a very elaborate plan. It had to be. The next of the thirteen possibilities–
Watson: Who else? Who else knew? Who?!
Sherlock: Molly.
Watson: Molly!
Mary: John–
Sherlock: Molly Hooper and some of my homeless network and that’s all.
Watson: Okay. okay. So just your brother and Molly Hooper and a hundred tramps.
Sherlock: No! Twenty-five at most. {Watson launches at him again}
Sherlock: Seriously, it’s not a joke. You’re really keeping this?
Watson: Ah, yeah.
Sherlock: You’re sure?
Watson: Mary likes it.
Sherlock: Mm… no she doesn’t.
Watson: She does.
Sherlock: She doesn’t.
Mary: Wha– Don’t.
Watson: Oh, brilliant!
Mary: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.
Watson: Really no, this is charming. I’ve really missed this.
Watson: One word, Sherlock! That is all I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
Sherlock: I’ve nearly been in contact so many times, but… I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Oh you know, let the cat out of the bag.
Watson: Oh so this is my fault? {Mary starts laughing} Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong?! The only one reacting like a human being!
Sherlock: Over-reacting.
Watson: Over-reacting!
Mary: John!
Watson: Over-reacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here, large as bloody life, but I’m not supposed to have a problem with that, no. Because Sherlock Holmes thinks it’s a perfectly okay thing to do!
Sherlock: Shut up, John! I don’t want everyone knowing I’m still alive.
Watson: Oh, so it’s still a secret, is it?
Sherlock: Yes! It’s still a secret. Promise you won’t tell anyone.
Watson: Swear to God!
Sherlock: London is in danger, John. There’s an imminent terrorist attack and I need your help.
Watson: My help?
Sherlock: You have missed this. Admit it. The thrill of the chase. The blood pumping through your veins. Just the two of us against the rest of the world. {Watson head butts him}
Sherlock: I don’t understand. I said I’m sorry. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?
Mary: Gosh, you don’t know anything about human nature, do you?
Sherlock: Hm… nature? No. Human? No.
Mary: I’ll talk him ’round.
Sherlock: You will?
Mary: Oh yeah.
Sherlock: Those things will kill you.
Lestrade: Oh you bastard.
Sherlock: It’s time to come back. You’ve been letting things slide, Graham.
Lestrade: Greg.
Sherlock: Greg. {Lestrade pauses and then bear hugs him}
Sherlock: No. Stay exactly where you are.
Watson: Where are you?
Sherlock: Don’t move. Keep your eyes fixed on me.
Watson: What? What’s happening?What’s going on?
Sherlock: Please, will you do this for me? Please?
Watson: Do what?
Sherlock: This phone call, it’s my note. That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note. {Moriarty starts to giggle and Sherlock shushes him}
Watson: Leave a note when?
Sherlock: Goodbye, John.
Watson: Nope. Sherlock!
{Sherlock and Moriarty laugh and then, after a moment, go in for a kiss}
Sherlock: London. It’s like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it’s not a question of who. It’s a question of who knows. If this man cancels his papers, I need to know. If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels, I need to know. There are certain people, they are markers. If they start to move I’ll know something’s up. Like rats deserting a sinking ship.
Mycroft: All very interesting, Sherlock. But the terror alert has been raised to critical.
Sherlock: Boring. Your move.
Mycroft: We have solid information. An attack is coming.
Sherlock: Solid information. A secret terrorist organization’s planning an attack. That’s what secret terrorist organizations do, isn’t it? It’s their version of golf.
Mycroft: An agent gave his life to tell us that.
Sherlock: Hm. Perhaps he shouldn’t have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.
Mycroft: None of these markers of yours is behaving in any way suspiciously? Your move.
Sherlock: No, Mycroft. But you have to trust me. I’ll find the answer. But it’ll be in an odd phrase in an online blog, or an unexpected trip to the countryside. Or a misplaced Lonely Hearts ad. Your move.
Mycroft: I’ve given the Prime Minister my personal assurance you’re on the case.
Sherlock: I am on the case. We’re both on the case. Look at us right now. {the Operation buzzer sounds}
Mycroft: Oh bugger!
Sherlock: Oopsie. Can’t handle a broken heart. How very telling.
Mycroft: Don’t be smart.
Sherlock: That takes me back. “Don’t be smart, Sherlock. I’m the smart one.”
Mycroft: I am the smart one.
Sherlock: I used to think I was an idiot.
Mycroft: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock.
Mrs. Hudson: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it, him sitting in his chair again. Oh, isn’t it wonderful, Mr. Holmes?
Mycroft: I can barely contain myself.
Sherlock: Oh he really can, you know.
Mrs. Hudson: He’s secretly pleased to see you underneath all that.
Sherlock: Sorry, which of us?
Mrs. Hudson: Both of you.
Mycroft: Why are we playing games?
Sherlock: London’s terror alert has been raised to critical. I’m just passing the time. Let’s do deductions. A client left this while I was out. What do you reckon? {he tosses Mycroft a hat}
Mycroft: I’m busy.
Sherlock: Oh go on, it’s been an age.
Mycroft: I always win.
Sherlock: Which is why you can’t resist.
Mycroft: I find nothing irresistible in the hat of a well-travelled, anxious, sentimental, unfit creature of habit with appalling halitosis. {pause} Damn.
Sherlock: Isolated too, don’t you think?
Mycroft: Why would he be isolated?
Sherlock: He?
Mycroft: Obviously.
Sherlock: Why? Size of the hat?
Mycroft: Don’t be silly. Some women have large heads too. No, he’s recently had his hair cut. You can see the little hairs adhering to the perspiration stains on the inside.
Sherlock: Some women have short hair too.
Mycroft: Balance of probability.
Sherlock: Not that you’ve ever spoken to a woman with short-haired or, you know, a woman.
Mycroft: Stains show he’s out of condition. He’s sentimental because the hat has been repaired three, four–
Sherlock: Five times. Very neatly. The cost of the repairs exceeds the cost of the hat so he’s mawkishly attached to it. But it’s more than that. One, perhaps two patches would indicate sentimentality. But five? Five’s obsessive behavior. Obsessive-compulsive.
Mycroft: Hardly. Your client left it behind. What sort of an obsessive-compulsive would do that? The earlier patches are extensively sun-bleached, so he’s worn it abroad. In Peru.
Sherlock: Peru?
Mycroft: This is a chullo. The classic headgear of the Andes. It’s made of Alpaca.
Sherlock: Nope.
Mycroft: No?
Sherlock: Icelandic sheep wool. Similar, but very distinctive if you know what you’re looking for. I’ve written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.
Mrs. Hudson: I’m sure there’s a crying need for that.
Sherlock: You said he was anxious.
Mycroft: The bobble on the left side has been badly chewed. Which shows he’s a man of a nervous disposition.
Sherlock: But also a creature of habit because he hasn’t chewed the bobble on the right.
Mycroft: Precisely.
Sherlock: Brief sniff of the offending bobble tells us everything we need to know about the state of his breath. Brilliant.
Mycroft: Elementary.
Sherlock: But you’ve missed his isolation.
Mycroft: I don’t see it.
Sherlock: Plain as day.
Mycroft: Where?
Sherlock: There for all to see.
Mycroft: Tell me.
Sherlock: Plain as the nose on your–
Mycroft: Tell me!
Sherlock: Well anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn’t in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?
Mycroft: Not at all. Maybe he just doesn’t mind being different. He doesn’t necessarily have to be isolated.
Sherlock: Exactly.
Mycroft: I’m sorry?
Sherlock: He’s different, so what? Why would he mind. You’re quite right. Why would anyone mind?
Mycroft: I’m not lonely, Sherlock.
Sherlock: How would you know?
Mycroft: Yes. Back to work, if you don’t mind.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock.
Sherlock: Hm?
Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
Sherlock: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
Molly: You wanted to see me.
Sherlock: Yes. Molly.
Molly: Yes.
Sherlock: Would you… would you like to solve crimes–
Molly: Have dinner?
Molly: Are you sure about this?
Sherlock: Absolutely.
Molly: Should I be making notes?
Sherlock: If that makes you feel better.
Molly: Only it’s just that, that’s what John says he does so if I’m being John–
Sherlock: You’re not being John. You’re being yourself.
Mr. Harcourt: Well absolutely no one should have been allowed to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen.
Sherlock: Why didn’t you assume it was your wife?
Mr. Harcourt: Because I’ve always had total faith in her.
Sherlock: No, it’s because you emptied it.
Mr. Harcourt: Weight loss, hair dye, botox, affair, {handing the wife a card} lawyer. Next!
Sherlock: I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining it to you.
Lestrade: No, please. Insult away.
Molly: Why would someone go to all that trouble?
Sherlock: Why indeed, John.
Howard Shilcott: The train never stops and the man vanishes. Good innit?
Sherlock: I know that face.
Sherlock: I know a fantastic fish shop just off the [] Road. The manager always gives me extra portions.
Molly: Did you get him off a murder charge?
Sherlock: Nope. Helped him put up some shelves.
Molly: Sherlock. What was today about?
Sherlock: Saying thank you.
Molly: For what?
Sherlock: For everything you did for me.
Molly: It’s okay. It was my pleasure.
Sherlock: No. I mean it.
Molly: I don’t mean pleasure. I mean I didn’t mind. I wanted to.
Sherlock: Moriarty slipped up, he made a mistake. Because the one person he thought didn’t matter at all to me was the one person who mattered most. You made it all possible. But you can’t do this again, can you?
Molly: I had a lovely day. I’d love to, I just, um…
Sherlock: Congratulations, by the way.
Molly: He’s not from work.
Sherlock: I hope you’ll be very happy, Molly Hooper. You deserve it. After all not all the men you fall for turn out to be sociopaths. {he kisses her and walks out the door}
Molly: Maybe it’s just my type.
Watson: Clients?
Sherlock: Just my parents.
Watson: Your parents?
Sherlock: In town for a few days.
Watson: Your parents?
Sherlock: Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Miz.
Tried to talk me into doing it.
Watson: Those were your parents?
Sherlock: Yes.
Watson: Well. That is not what I…
Sherlock: What?
Watson: I mean they’re just so… ordinary.
Sherlock: It’s a cross I have to bear.
Watson: Did they know too?
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: That you spent the last two years playing hide-and-seek.
Sherlock: Maybe.
Watson: Ah, so that’s why they weren’t at the funeral.
Sherlock: Sorry. Sorry again. … Sorry.
Sherlock: I see you shaved it off then.
Watson: Yeah. It wasn’t working for me.
Sherlock: I’m glad.
Sherlock: I can’t see the pattern It’s too nebulous. Why would an agent give his life to tell us something incredibly insignificant? That’s what’s strange.
Watson: Give his life?
Sherlock: according to Mycroft. There’s an underground network planning an attack on London. That’s all we know. These are my rats, John.
Watson: Rats?
Sherlock: My markers. Agents, lowlifes. People who might find themselves arrested or their diplomatic immunity suddenly rescinded. If one of them starts acting suspiciously we know something’s up. Five of them are behaving perfectly normally. But the sixth…
Watson: I know him, don’t I?
Sherlock: Lord Moran. Peer of the realm. Minister for Overseas Development. Pillar of the establishment.
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: He’s been working for North Korea since 1996.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: He’s the big rat. Rat Number One. He’s just done something very suspicious indeed.
Sherlock: Mycroft’s intelligence, it’s not nebulous. It’s always specific. Incredibly specific.
Watson: What do you mean?
Sherlock: Not an underground network, John. It’s an Underground network.
Watson: Right. What?
Sherlock: Sometimes a deception is so audacious, so outrageous that you can’t see it even when it’s staring you in the face. Look. Seven carriages leave Westminster. But only six carriages arrive at St. James’s Park.
Watson: What? But that’s impossible.
Sherlock: Moran didn’t disappear. The entire tube compartment did.
Sherlock: Lord Moran, he’s a peer of the realm. Normally he’d sit in the House. Tonight there’s an all-night sitting devoted to the new anti-terrorism bill. But he won’t be there. Not the fifth of November.
Watson: Remember, remember.
Sherlock: The Gunpowder treason and plot.
Sherlock: I don’t understand.
Watson: Well there’s a first.
Sherlock: This is the bomb.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: It’s not carrying explosives. The whole compartment is the bomb.
Watson: We need bomb disposal.
Sherlock: There may not be time for that now.
Watson: So what do we do?
Sherlock: I have no idea.
Watson: Well think of something.
Watson: Mind palace.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: Use your mind palace.
Sherlock: How will that help?
Watson: You’ve sorted away every fact under the sun!
Sherlock: Oh, do you think I’ve just got “How to defuse a bomb” tucked away in there somewhere?
Watson: Yes!
Sherlock: Maybe.
Sherlock: I can’t do it, John. I don’t know how. Forgive me.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Please, John. Forgive me for all the hurt that I caused you.
Watson: No no no no. This is a trick.
Sherlock: No.
Watson: Another one of your bloody tricks.
Sherlock: No.
Watson: And you’re just trying to make me say something nice.
Sherlock: Not this time.
Watson: I wanted you not to be dead.
Sherlock: Yeah, well. Be careful what you wish for. If I hadn’t come back you wouldn’t be standing there. You’d still have a future. With Mary.
Watson: Yeah. I know.
Watson: Look, I find it difficult. I find it difficult, this sort of stuff.
Sherlock: I know.
Watson: You are the best and the wisest man that I have ever known. And yes, of course I forgive you.
Anderson: Molly? Molly Hooper? She was in on it?
Sherlock: Yes.
Anderson: Hm. Not the way I’d have done it.
Sherlock: Oh really.
Anderson: No, I’m not saying it’s not clever, but…
Sherlock: What?
Anderson: Bit… disappointed.
Sherlock: Everyone’s a critic.
Sherlock: Your face.
Watson: You utter… you!
Sherlock: Your face. I totally had you.
Watson: You cock! I knew it. I knew it! I…
Sherlock: Oh those things, you said such sweet things. I never knew you cared.
Watson: I will kill you if you ever breath a word of this–
Sherlock: Scout’s honor.
Watson: –to anyone! You knew! You knew how to turn it off!
Sherlock: There’s an off switch. There’s always an off switch. Terrorists can get into all sorts of problems unless there’s an off switch.
Watson: And you did call the police.
Sherlock: Of course I called the police.
Watson: I’m definitely going to kill you.
Sherlock: Oh please. Killing me. That’s so two years ago.
Watson: I’m still waiting.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: Why did they try and kill me? IF they knew you were on to them, why go after me? Put me in the bonfire?
Sherlock: I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing.
Watson: You’d have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
Sherlock: Love what?
Watson: Being Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
Watson: Sherlock, you are going to tell me how you did it. How you jumped off that building and survived.
Sherlock: You know my methods, John. I’m known to be indestructible.
Watson: No but seriously. When you were dead I went to your grave.
Sherlock: I should hope so.
Watson: I made a little speech. I actually spoke to you.
Sherlock: I know. I was there.
Watson: I asked you for one more miracle. I asked you to stop being dead.
Sherlock: I heard you.
Sherlock: Anyway. Time to go and be Sherlock Holmes.
The Sign of Three
Sherlock: This is hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. {showing him the book How to Write Unforgettable Speeches} Do you know any funny stories about John?
Lestrade: What?
Sherlock: I need anecdotes. You didn’t go to any trouble, did you? {a helicopter descends outside}
Sherlock: Why are you here?
Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs): I’m bringing you your morning tea. You’re not usually awake.
Sherlock: You bring me tea in the morning?
Mrs. Hudson: Well where do you think it came from?
Sherlock: I don’t know, I just thought it sort of happened.
Mrs. Hudson: Your mother has a lot to answer for.
Sherlock: I know. I have a list. Mycroft has a file.
Sherlock: I think from now on we’ll downgrade you to casual acquaintance. No more than three planned social encounters a year, and always in John’s presence. I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
David (Oliver Lansley): They’re right about you. You’re a bloody pyschopath.
Sherlock: High-functioning sociopath. With your number.
Sherlock: Basically it’s a cute smile to the bride’s smile, cute smile to the groom’s side, and then the rings.
Archie: No.
Sherlock: And you have to wear the outfit.
Archie: No.
Sherlock: You really do have to wear the outfit.
Archie: What for?
Sherlock: Grown-ups like that sort of thing.
Archie: Why?
Sherlock: I don’t know. I’ll ask one.
Archie: What’s all the stuff in his eye?
Sherlock: Maggots.
Archie: Cool!
Sherlock: Hm.
Janine (Yasmine Akram): Can I keep you?
Sherlock: Do you like solving crimes?
Janine: Do you have a vacancy?
Mycroft Holmes (Mark Gatiss): So this is it then. The big day. I suppose I’ll be seeing a lot more of you from now on.
Sherlock: What do you mean?
Mycroft: It’ll be just like old times.
Sherlock: I don’t understand.
Mycroft: Well it’s the end of an era, isn’t it? John and Mary. Domestic bliss.
Mycroft: Oh by the way, Sherlock. Do you remember Red Beard?
Sherlock: I’m not a child anymore, Mycroft.
Mycroft: No, of course you’re not. Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock.
Sherlock: So in fact… you mean…
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: I’m your… best… friend?
Watson: Man. Yeah, of course you are. Of course you’re my best friend. {Sherlock takes a sip out of the eyeball glass}. And how was that?
Sherlock: Surprisingly okay.
Sherlock: Today we honor the death watch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time, one feels certain, our entire species. But anyway. Let’s talk about John.
Sherlock: If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there I feel. and contrast is after all God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of His creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot. The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-around obnoxious asshole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
Sherlock: John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend I can not congratulate you on your choice of companion. actually, no I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.
Sherlock: Now. Serviette. Swan or Sydney Opera House?
Mary Morstan (Amanda Abbington): Where’d you learn to do that?
Sherlock: Many unexpected skills required in the field of criminal investigation.
Mary: Fibbing, Sherlock.
Sherlock: I once broke an alibi by demonstrating the exact severity of a folded–
Mary: I’m not John. I can tell when you’re fibbing.
Sherlock: Okay, I learned it on YouTube.
Watson: Why have you suddenly taken an interest in another human being?
Sherlock: I’m chatting. {beat} Won’t be trying that again.
Sherlock: You look well.
Molly: I am.
Sherlock: How’s… Tom?
Molly: Not a sociopath.
Sherlock: Still? Good.
Sherlock: I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?
Watson: No, I don’t have an international reputation.
Sherlock: No. and I can’t even remember what for. S… crime. Something like that.
Sherlock: John, wake up. The game is… something.
Watson: On.
Sherlock: Yeah, that. That.
Mycroft: Oh Sherlock. What do we say about coincidences?
Sherlock: “The universe is rarely so lazy.”
Watson: Sherlock, any chance of an end date for this speech? We’ve gotta cut the cake.
Sherlock: Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once. Vatican cameos.
Mary: What did he say? What does that mean?
Watson: Battle stations. Someone’s going to die.
Sherlock: Imagine someone’s going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?
Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs): I think you’re a popular choice at the moment, dear.
Sherlock: If someone could move Mrs. Hudson’s glass slightly out of reach that would be lovely.
Janine: Do you always carry handcuffs?
Sherlock: Down, girl.
Sherlock: Today we saw two people make vows. I’ve never made a vow in my life and after tonight I never will again. So. Here in front of you all, my first and last vow. Mary and John, whatever it takes, whatever happens, from now on I swear I will always be there. Always. For all three of you. I’m sorry, I mean two of you. All two of you. Both of you in fact. I just miscounted.
Sherlock: Sorry, that was one more deduction than I was really expecting.
Sherlock: Stop panicking.
Watson: I’m not panicking.
Mary: I’m pregnant, I’m panicking.
Sherlock: Don’t panic. None of you panic. Absolutely no reason to panic.
Watson: Oh, and you’d know of course?
Sherlock: Yes I would. You’re already the best parents in the world. Look at all the practice you’ve had.
His Last Vow
Watson: Sherlock Holmes in a drug den. How’s that going to look?
Sherlock: I’m undercover.
Watson: No, you’re not!
Sherlock: Well I’m not now!
Watson: Well? Is he clean?
Molly: Clean? {she walks over to Sherlock and slaps him. A lot.} How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with. And how dare you betray the love of your friends! Say you’re sorry.
Sherlock: Sorry your engagement’s over. Though I’m fairly grateful for the lack of a ring.
Sherlock: Hang on, weren’t there other people?
Watson: Mary is taking the boys home, I’m taking you. We did discuss it.
Sherlock: People were talking, none of them me. I must have filtered.
Watson: I noticed.
Sherlock: Had to filter out a lot of witless babble. Ive had Mrs. Hudson on semi-permanent mute.
Mycroft: Well then, Sherlock. Back on the sauce?
Sherlock: What are you doing here?
Watson: I phoned him.
Mycroft: The siren call of old habits. How very like Uncle Rudy. Though in many ways cross dressing would have been a wiser path for you.
Sherlock: You phoned him.
Watson: Of course I bloody phoned him.
Mycroft: ‘Course he bloody did. Now, save me a little time. Where should we be looking?
Sherlock: We?
Philip Anderson (Jonathan Aris): Mr. Holmes!
Sherlock: For God’s sake!
Watson: What happened to my chair?
Sherlock: It was blocking my view to the kitchen.
Watson: Well it’s good to be missed.
Sherlock: Yeah, you were gone. I saw an opportunity.
Watson: No, you saw the kitchen.
Mycroft: Magnussen is not your business.
Sherlock: Oh you mean he’s yours?
Mycroft: You may consider him under my protection.
Sherlock: I consider you under his thumb.
Mycroft: If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me.
Sherlock: Okay. I’ll let you know if I notice.
Watson: It’s for a case, you said?
Sherlock: Yep.
Watson: What sort of case?
Sherlock: Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
Watson: You trying to put me off?
Sherlock: God no. I’m trying to recruit you.
Watson: You have a girlfriend.
Sherlock: Yes I have.
Sherlock: I’ve dealt with murderers, psychopaths, terrorists, serial killers. None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Watson: Yes, you have.
Sherlock: Sorry, what?
Watson: You have a girlfriend.
Sherlock: Well we’re in a good place. It’s, um, very affirming.
Watson: You got that from a book.
Sherlock: Everyone got that from a book.
Sherlock: Seriously? I’ve just told you that the Western world is run from this house and you want to talk about dinner?
Mrs. Hudson: That was the doorbell. Couldn’t you hear it?
Sherlock: It’s in the fridge. It kept ringing.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, that’s not a fault, Sherlock.
Sherlock: Did you notice the one extraordinary thing he did?
Watson: There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah.
Sherlock: Exactly. When he showed us the letters.
Watson: Okay.
Sherlock: There are fourteen layers of security between us and him. Two of which aren’t even legal in this country.
Sherlock: If I was to use this card on that lift now, what happens?
Watson: Ah, the alarms would go off and you’d be dragged away by security.
Sherlock: Exactly.
Watson: You’d be taken to a small room somewhere, and your head kicked in.
Sherlock: Do we really need so much color?
Watson: It passes the time.
Watson: Jesus. Sherlock. She loves you.
Sherlock: Yes. Like I said. Human error.
Watson: What are you going to do?
Sherlock: Well not actually marry her, obviously. There’s only so far you can go.
Watson: So what will you tell her?
Sherlock: Well I’ll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to break into her boss’ office. I imagine she’ll want to stop seeing me at that point but you’re the expert on women.
Watson: We should call the police.
Sherlock: During our own burglary? You’re really not a natural at this, are you?
Sherlock: Mary, whatever he’s got on you, let me help.
Mary: Oh Sherlock. I swear, if you take one more step I will kill you.
Sherlock: No, Mrs. Watson. You won’t.
Sherlock: The doctor’s wife must be a little bit bored by now.
Sherlock: I’ll take the case.
Mary: What case?
Sherlock: Yours.
Mrs. Hudson: What is going on?
Watson: Bloody good question.
Sherlock: The Watsons are about to have a domestic. And fairly quickly, I hope, because we have work to do.
Watson: No, I have a better question. Is everyone I’ve ever met a psychopath?
Sherlock: Yes. Good that we’ve settled that.
Watson to Mary: You. What have I ever done? Hm? My whole life, to deserve you?
Sherlock: Everything.
Watson: Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.
Sherlock: No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything. Everything you’ve ever done is what you did.
Watson: Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
Sherlock: You were a doctor who went to war. You’re a man who couldn’t stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That’s me by the way, hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
Mrs. Hudson: It was my husband’s cartel. I was just typing.
Sherlock: And exotic dancing.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock Holmes. If you’ve been YouTube-ing —
Sherlock: John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You’re abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you’ve fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
Watson: But she wasn’t supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
Sherlock: Because you chose her.
Sherlock: You can trust Mary. She saved my life.
Watson: She shot you.
Sherlock: Mixed messages, I grant you.
Watson: All this does not mean that I’m not still basically pissed off at you.
Sherlock: I know, I know.
Watson: I am very pissed off at you and it will come out now and then.
Watson: Sherlock, please tell me you haven’t just gone out of your mind.
Sherlock: I’d rather keep you guessing.
Sherlock: Coming?
Watson: Where?
Sherlock: Want your wife to be safe?
Watson: Yeah, of course I do.
Sherlock: Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous. One false move and we’ll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnussen is quite simple the most dangerous man we’ve ever encountered and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us.
Watson: But it’s Christmas.
Sherlock: I feel the same. Oh, you mean it’s actually Christmas.
Sherlock: Did you bring your gun as I suggested?
Watson: Why would I bring my gun to your parents’ house for Christmas dinner?
Sherlock: Is it in your coat?
Watson: Yes.
Watson: The game is over.
Sherlock: The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now. That’s okay. The east wind takes us all in the end.
Watson: What’s that?
Sherlock: It’s a story my brother told me when we were kids. The east wind. This terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path. Seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the Earth. That was generally me.
Watson: Nice.
Sherlock: He was a rubbish big brother.
Sherlock: To the very best of times, John.
Watson: But he’s dead. I mean you told me he was dead. Moriarty.
Sherlock: Absolutely. He blew his own brains out.
Watson: So how can he be back?
Sherlock: Well if he is, he’d better wrap up warm. There’s an east wind coming.