Treehouse of Horror XIII
Homer: Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home?
Homer clone: I do.
Homer shoots the clone.
Homer: Anybody else?
Another clone raises his hand. Homer shoots him.
Homer: Anybody else? Come on.
Another clone raises his hand and gets shot.
Homer: Okay, everyone out.
Lisa: Dad, is there anything you’d like to tell us about this horde?
Homer: You’d think so. But no.
Mayor Quimby: Springfield’s weapons of death have been converted into weapons of climbing and sliding.
Mayor Quimby: I proudly declare our town utterly defenseless!
William Bonney: Looks like the only guns left are in my cold, dead hands.
Marge: These are horrible ghouls from the past.
Homer: Hey, so are the Grammy judges.
Sideshow Mel: Another tragedy prevented by gun violence!
Moe: Now to get me some cavemen hookers.
Dr. Hibbert: Now he may try to slobber on your crotch.
Homer: Eh. I’ve been around Scotsmen.
How I Spent My Strummer Vacation
Marge: I couldn’t even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn’t you come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you did have violent diarrhea. Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it’s okay.
Mick Jagger: Remember, rule number one: there are no rules! Rule number two: no outside food.
Homer: I am so excited I couldn’t fall asleep. I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing.
Apu: You took some pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh huh. Now I’m afraid that if I stop talking I’ll die. Isn’t Mick cool? I thought he’d be all like, “I’m a rock star. Aren’t I great?” But he’s just like you or me, or Jesus over there.
Elvis Costello: Come on. Who’d like to be a bass player?
Homer: Out of my way, Nerdlinger. {grabs guitar and knocks off Elvis’ glasses}
Elvis Costello: My image!
Brian Setzer: Now a guitar has many many nicknames. An axe, a guitbox. {pause} Well I guess that’s it.
Mick Jagger: Camp is over, Homer.
Homer: It’s been a week already?
Marge: I’m glad you had fun but it’s time to come home.
Tom Petty: Your mother’s right, Homer. We gotta get back to the real world.
Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade
Fish do not like coffee
Homer: I can’t take any more of these shows. If I wanted reality I’d finally have this lump looked at.
TV Salesman: Okay, now all we have to do is installed your satellite dish. Will you be home from 8am Monday morning through… June?
Homer: No problem.
Principal Skinner: Lisa, because of your outstanding score on yesterday’s test, you’re being immediately moved up to the third grade!
Bart: She’s not so great! She got diarrhea when we went to Carlsbad Cavern!
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart. Since you like attention so much I have a second announcement. I was going to tell you this privately but because of your incredibly low test score we’re sending you back to third grade.
Mrs. McConnell: Alright, everybody choose a buddy for the field trip.
Bart: I’ll take Kyle!
Lisa: I’ll take Ashley!
Mrs. McConnell: Saying your buddy’s name out loud is a security risk. I’ll just put you two together.
Capital City Goofball: Mr. Speaker, the time has come to redesign our state flag. This Confederate symbol is an embarrassment. Particularly as we are a northern state.
Lisa: Bart, you’re my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart: Well, as far as nerdy little sisters go, you’re the coolest.
Lisa: Thanks Bart.
Large Marge
Announcer: …Victory seems certain for Governor Thomas C. Dewey.
Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
Lisa: Dad, I’m telling you. Truman wins.
Lisa about Homer’s wedding ring: This is a band-aid wrapped in tinfoil.
Homer: My real ring’s inside a turtle.
Marge: Homey, are you as attracted to me as you were when we met?
Homer: Sure. Why not.
Homer: Wow. Someone’s tucked in to an insane degree.
Lisa: Mom! What happened? Your endowment’s bigger than Harvard’s.
Homer: Well that cinches it. Lisa gets the prize for the best off-the-cuff response.
Lisa: Actually I saw them earlier and I was working on it in the hall.
Homer: Shut up, boy.
Bart: I don’t get a song? Mom got a song!
Homer: With the economy the way it is, you’re lucky you get soup.
Helter Shelter
Milhouse did not test cootie positive
Marge: Can’t beat a skybox. All the excitement of being in the sky with the security of being in a box.
Lisa: But where will we live?
Homer: Don’t worry. We’ll just hang out in front of the house beside these garbage cans. The time will just fly by. {he cracks a beer a la King of the Hill}
Lisa: Why don’t we stay at a youth hostel?
Bart: I do not want another lecture from a German backpacker about how we don’t appreciate the National Park system.
Marge: We are not staying at Moe’s! Maggie’s already drunk on the fumes. And she’s a mean drunk.
Bart: Mutt and Jeff comics are not funny. They’re gay! I get it!
Moe: I’m gonna drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.
Homer: Marge! Throw me an old timey rope in an old timey way.
The Great Louse Detective
Homer: “Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa.”
Marge: Oo. That place is famous. It’s where J Lo hit P Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.
Spa Guide: Do you like Dr. Seuss?
Lisa: No.
Spa Guide: Then you’ll love Dr. Mas-seuss!
Homer to the masseuse: Don’t struggle. You’ll only sink faster.
Wiggum: Mr. Simpson, is it possible you’re leading a double or triple life that your wife doesn’t know about?
Homer: Triple? No. Definitely no.
Marge: I don’t think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa: It still beats Disney’s California Adventure.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh come now. We’ve been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Lisa and Bart: Augh! Bob!
Bart: Dad! I can’t believe you’re putting my life at risk to save your own.
Homer: You’ll understand one day when you have kids.
Sideshow Bob: How can one ordinary man have so many enemies?
Homer: I’m a people person. Who drinks.
Marge: These are Homer’s friends and family. They don’t want him dead. They just want him to suffer.
Homer: Wait a minute. Frank Grimes wasn’t married. How could he have a kid?
Frank Grimes, Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?
Special Edna
Mrs. Krabappel: Now, the topic for your research paper will be World War I.
Bart: Was that the war with Hitler or Merlin?
Nelson: Oh, you idiot. Merlin was in Vietnam.
Mrs. Krabappel: You’re going to have to redo your paper after class.
Bart: Well if I may just offer a chestnut. Ay carumba. Ay carumba indeed.
Skinner: I’ll be back in three hours. Maybe less. But almost certainly more.
Bart: Since we’re both free, why don’t you and me hit the town?
Mrs. Krabappel: A pity date from a ten year old? I’ll take it.
Bart: They have an award for teaching?
Marge: Hey, they have Latin Grammys.
Committee Member 1: The Bart Simpson?
Committee Member 2: I thought he was just an urban legend.
Committee Member 1: If she’s danced with the Devil in the Blue Shorts and lived, we have ourselves a nominee.
Mrs. Krabappel: I am tired of sharing you with your mother!
Skinner: This woman carried me for nine and a half months! I was out for two weeks and then I wanted back in.
The Dad Who Knew Too Little
Lisa: Mom. Dad. My birthday’s coming up and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Lisa: Just buy me the friggin’ toy.
Homer: Heh heh heh. I love that little shill.
Lisa: I don’t like McNuggets. I’m a vegetarian!
Homer: Still?!
Homer: Lisa’s pet peeve is phonies? I thought she loved them!
Radio: Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.
Lisa: How could you?
Homer: Well all the childless drunks at Moe’s thought it was a good idea.
Strong Arms of the Ma
This school does not need a “regime change”
Homer: Hey! Your early porno movies! Are any of these hetero?
Rainier Wolfcastle: What’s there is there.
Apu about Maggie: That is the most pungent thing I have ever smelled and I am from India.
Apu: Don’t worry. That sign is just a rouse. Like all high voltage signs.
Marge: Oh no, I pepper sprayed Ralph!
Ralph: Even my boogers are spicy.
Homer: Bart will play Apu.
Lisa: I’m a magazine rack.
Homer: Look, I’m the first to admit it. I don’t write good parts for women.
Marge: What to do now. I’m too crazy to go outside. Not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.
Marge: Grampa! I’m not afraid!
Grampa: Then you’re not paying close enough attention.
Ruth Powers: Steroids aren’t drugs. They occur naturally in the body. Like sweat. Or tumors.
Marge: But aren’t there side effects?
Ruth Powers: Yes! Their main side effect is greatness.
Bart: Why didn’t Mom make our lunch?
Homer: Your mom has a lot of stuff to shave.
Marge: I didn’t sacrifice my period for second place!
Moe: Listen, Marge. How could I put this delicately? I don’t got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
Pray Anything
SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
Homer: You know, I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners. But now I realize he helps shmoes like me too.
The drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out
Homer: You was hiding behind the drywall, yes you were. I’m glad social services didn’t see this, yes I am. {Maggie coughs} Oo, you coughed up some drywall.
Lisa: There’s so many places to cloister myself!
Barney: If it weren’t for Alcoholics Anonymous, I’d still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks.
Marge: Aren’t you afraid you might be incurring God’s wrath?
Homer: Eh. God’s cool.
Marge: See, I don’t know that he is.
Barting Over
I will not
Marge: Bart, you’re suing us?
Bart: Yes! I want to be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated! Don’t you like being a dude?
Bart: I’m gonna die in my jammies!
Marge: I can’t count how many time’s your father’s done something crazy like this.
Lisa looking at ticker: It’s 300, Mom!
Marge: I could’ve sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!
Lindsay Naegle: I represent Viagragaine, the topical drug for bald, impotent men.
Homer: Well I am bald and important!
I’m Spelling as Fast as I Can
Voiceover: We start with authentic letter-graded meat, then process the hell out of it. ’Til it’s good enough for Krusty.
Krusty: Try my new Krusty Ribwich. Mm! I don’t mind the taste.
Bart: Come on, man. Everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank!
Principal Skinner: Well if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back! It’s wanking time!
George Plimpton: If you take a dive, we’ll guarantee you a scholarship to the Seven Sisters college of your choice.
Lisa: Oh… free college?
George Plimpton: And a hot plate! It’s perfect for soup.
Barnard: We are the Seven Sisters. And you can attend any one of us. Like Barnard, Columbia’s girl-next-door.
Radcliffe: Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men.
Wellsley: Or come to Wellsley and marry them.
Mount Holyoke: No! Party with me!
Vassar: Or non-conform with me!
Smith: Play lacrosse with me.
Bryn Mawr: Or explore with me.
Rib Head: Hey man, can you turn me on?
Homer: Hey, don’t Borgnine my sandwich.
Krusty: Look, about the ribwich. There aren’t gonna be anymore. The animal we made ’em from is now extinct.
Homer: The pig?
Otto: The cow?
Krusty: You’re way off. Think smaller. Think more legs.
Krusty: Wow, what a long strange product roll out it’s been.
A Star Is Born Again
Sara Sloane (Marisa Tomei): Are you for real?
Ned: I’m as real as the nose on your face.
Sara Sloane: Yeah… real.
Ned: I can’t date a movie star. I’m no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett.
Homer: Now wait just a minute! I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then a part of her died. And she doesn’t even try anymore. So we’re all where we want to be.
Homer on the phone: Now who might you be? A tabloid. Is that one of those really strong mints?
Ned: Woah woah woah. This movie’s turning into SpongeBob NoPants.
Sara Sloane: Rainier, you’re too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh come on! Nobody misses a handshake that badly.
Marge: Today’s book is Bridget Jones’ Diary. Now let’s go around the room and analyze why we didn’t read it.
Edna: Cramps.
Mrs. Skinner: All my friends are dead.
Luanne: Well then, I guess it’s time for margaritas!
Sara Sloane: Well
I wish someone had read the book, since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding.
Sara Sloane: Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban.
Ned: Huh. That’s what Maude used to say.
Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington
Homer: Mmm… promo. Ew FOX!
Marge: Not the swear jar. It’s the only thing holding back the filth. {the swear jar breaks} Nutty fudgkins.
Representative Horace Wilcox: That’s the saddest story I’ve heard in my seventy-five years of public service. It makes my blood boil. And my left arm feel numb. Also I taste copper.
Homer: I guess there’s only one way out of our problems. A murder-suicide pact.
Marge: How can you say that!
Homer: It’s just an expression, Marge.
Krusty: I can even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won’t let me say on the air.
Bart: Aw. All the goods ones. I’ve never heard of number nine.
Krusty: It’s doing thirteen while she’s elevening your five.
Bart: Can I keep this?
Krusty: Sure. No twelve off my ass.
Krusty: Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?
Krusty: Russian hooker. You tell me.
News Anchor: Welcome to FOX News. Your voice for evil.
Bart: At last, the planes are flying where they belong.
Homer: That’s right. Over the homes of poor people.
C. E. D’Oh
Homer: Oh my darling, nothing is too romantic for you. Have some more liquor!
Homer: Thank you, outdoor advertising! You’ve saved my marriage. And not for the first time.
Homer: Oh! Nobody loves oily Homer.
Successmanship 101 Teacher: You there! The greasy naked bald man!
Homer: You know everything about me.
Successmanship 101 Teacher: You see that car out there? That’s a Bentley Mark XII. They gave one to me, one to Steven Spielberg, and then they shot the guy who made it.
Lenny: I’d hate to be in that union.
Homer: “Tip 1: Live each day like it was your last.” {cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying}. I don’t wanna die! I’m so young!
Homer: All my life I’ve had one dream: to achieve my many goals.
Marge: Homey, don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big whoop. Who gives a doodle. Whoopie ding dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moe’s.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoopety-do. Who gives a bibble. Gabba gabba hey.
Mr. Burns: Good Lord, that canary was supposed to be my pigeon. I need to find a patsy quick!
Mr. Burns: Now, a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work and the picnic is canceled.
Mr. Burns: That man’s mad! Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist.
Homer: No! It’s entirely within my power.
Mr. Burns: Knock knock.
Homer: Mr. Burns! Where’s Mr. Smithers?
Mr. Burns: He’s doing eighty years on an opium bust. I never saw a man take to a Turkish prison so quickly.
‘Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky
Declan Desmond (Eric Idle): And in a flash, Bart’s glory has gone the way of England’s masculinity.
Principal Skinner: Remember, as far as he knows we still teach math.
Bart: All that’s left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town’s ever seen.
Homer: Talkin’ won’t get you there.
Homer: Oh my god! Space monsters are invading us.
Lisa: Dad. That’s a moth.
Homer: Oh. Well where do I twist this thing to make funny patterns?
Lisa: Dad! That’s a kaleidoscope.
Homer: You may be a smart kid, Lisa, but you don’t know much about not hurting people’s feelings.
Lisa: Does it make you feel superior to tear down people’s dreams?
Declan: Yes. Does it make you feel smart to question people’s motives?
Lisa: Yes.
Declan: Well alright then.
Kent Brockman: The government has issued an orange alert which, once again, means nothing.
Milhouse: You’re gonna depreciate a mafia don’s car?
Bart: Hey, we’re all gonna be murdered some day.
3 Gays of the Condo
Lisa: I wonder what Mom came up with for this week’s Family Wednesday.
Homer: I hope it’s as fun as Pictionary was last week!
Bart: Dad, we weren’t playing Pictionary. That was an intervention to stop your drinking.
Homer: What? Are you sure?
Homer: Now let’s see. This is either a coconut or Tom Hayden.
Lenny: Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get jigs in it!
Marge: I can’t believe our family finished something this complicated.
Homer: It’s the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasn’t Lisa. {Maggie frowns} Prove me wrong, Silent Bob!
Homer: Marge, I can’t live like this. I’m tired of walking around on eggshells.
Marge: Maybe if you didn’t throw them on the floor.
Homer: Now you’re just making up rules! Who made you Judge Judy and executioner?
Homer: What’s the deal with this place? It’s so manly, yet scented.
Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing. But it’s also a constant battle for moral superiority.
Julio: Nice work, Lisa.
Lisa: Thanks Julio. I love you as a blond.
Julio: Oh you do? Oh god, Lisa, if I was an eight year old straight boy I swear to god I’d be so holding your hand right now.
Grady: Homer, please. Practically everyone who’s acted in, produced or even seen a play is gay.
Dude, Where’s My Ranch?
Sung to the tune of Hava Nagila
The Simpsons: Have a / nice Christmas! Have a / nice Christmas! Have a / nice Christmas / non-Christian friends.
Krusty: That’s even worse than “I’m Dreaming of a Whitefish Christmas.”
David Byrne: Excuse me. I’ve been researching indigenous folk music of Springfield and I couldn’t help overhearing your delightfully cruel hate song.
Marge: I am so sick of that song!
Homer: Ugh. Me too. I’ve come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.
Marge: Homey, I’m worried about how fast our kids are growing up.
Homer: It’s the beef hormones and fluorescent lights. What’re you gonna do.
Lisa: Sister! You mean she’s not your girlfriend?
Luke Stetson (Jonathan Taylor Thomas): Hell no. They outlawed that in this state two years ago.
Homer: Look at those city slickers with their fur coats and pointy hats.
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: I still hate them!
Old Yeller Belly
My pen is not a booger launcher
Lisa: I’m impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-cart track.
Homer: Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you?
Lisa: Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism.
Homer: Look. I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
Lisa: You said his name two seconds ago.
Homer: I was just putting words together.
Marge: The Amish are so industrious. Not like those shiftless Mennonites.
Homer: Marge, prepare the emergency ham!
Lisa: Why does a dog have human girlfriends?
Marge: People do crazy things in ads. Like eat at Arby’s.
Homer: Prepare the celebration ham!
Marge: All we have are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Homer: Marge, they’re just hams, okay?
Brake My Wife, Please
Marge: Well it’s 11am on a workday, so he must be at that stupid bar.
Marge: Well from now on you need to get a cellphone so I can reach you..
Homer: You can’t just *get* a cellphone.
Lindsay Naegle coming out of the morgue: Lindsay Naegle, Vericall Cellular. And I can offer you a whole range of cellular solutions.
Homer: Can I get a phone that plays the Mexican Hat Dance?
Lindsay Naegle: I insist on it.
Homer singing: I dance, I dance, I dance. Around the Mexican hat. I dance, I dance, I dance. And that’s the end of that. Or is it, I guess I’ll keep singing. My cellphone appears to be ringing.
Lisa: Why don’t you take public transportation?
Homer: Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
Homer: Bishop to Queen 4.
Old Jewish Man: We’re playing dominoes.
Homer: We gotta help her. If Marge isn’t happy, I’m not happy. And if I’m not happy, Moe is very happy. But for once this isn’t about Moe.
The Bart of War
Sandwiches should not contain sand
Marge: Kids, that cartoon’s not life-affirming. We’re going to watch a show about the everyday problems of angels.
Milhouse: Do you think bugs feel pain?
Bart: If they don’t, I’ve wasted a lot of my life.
Bart: These losers are out of peanut butter.
Milhouse: I know how to make some. Peanuts… butter…. Now we just put the top on.
Bart: Hey, I didn’t get where I am putting tops on things.
Homer: I never knew you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned: Of course I am. They were bigger than Jesus. But your boy went Yoko and broke up my collection.
Bart: Hey, boys will be boys.
Marge: I am so tired of that tautology.
Lisa: Hey Dad, maybe you could lead Bart’s tribe.
Homer: You mean like some sort of mad man?
Lisa: Ideally, no, but—
Homer: I’ll do it!
Homer: I am Homer Tribal Chief. I am wearing tiny briefs. Braves teach values boys should know. Now extended drum solo.
Mr. Burns seeing the smoke signal: Oh no. The Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.
Bart: Hey! Some jerks cleaned our field.
Nelson: It’s awful. It looks like Wisconsin.
Bart reading: “We will crush you and smother your dreams. Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids.”
Moe Baby Blues
Homer: How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activity?
Lisa: Because I know every time you say, “Pick a number from one to ten” it’s always seven.
Homer: That’s because there were seven Apostles.
Marge: No. There were twelve.
Homer: Boy that’s a big staff. And still he wasn’t that funny.
Moe: Hey, those are my customers-slash-only-friends. Where are they getting their beer? A cooler? I’ve been replaced by a cooler? And who can blame ’em.
Mr. Burns: How you got in my car pool I’ll never know.
Moe: Why’s she crying? Oh, that’s right. I still got her nose.