Treehouse of Horror XII
Gypsy: You’ve ruined me! Oh why didn’t I see this coming!
Homer: Leprechauns? Don’t they live in Ireland?
Moe: Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets.
They try the Dennis Miller Ultrahouse 3000 Voice:
Lisa: Isn’t the the voice that caused all those suicides?
Marge: Murder-suicides.
Homer: Trusting every aspect of our lives to a giant computer was the smartest thing we ever did.
Homer: Mmm…. unexplained bacon.
Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad! That’s the water softener.
Homer: Well I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!
Mrs. Krabappel to Bart: Lisa’s casting spells at an eighth grade level. You’ve sinned against nature.
Lord Montymort: We can’t attack her while she’s got that wand. We’ll need a go-between to get it away from her.
Slithers: How about Satan?
Lord Montymort: No no. I’m ducking him. His wife has a screenplay.
Bart: Prank be undone! Destroy the evil one! {it zaps him} Not me!
The Parent Rap
Nobody reads these anymore
Milhouse: Have you ever been in a police car?
Bart: Not in the front.
Marge: I love our court days.
Lisa: It’s about the only thing we do as a family anymore.
Judge Constance Harm (Jane Kaczmarek): Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting.
Moe: Hey hey! No kids in the bar.
Homer: Since when?
Moe: Oh, the heat’s been on since them Bush girls were in here.
Judge Harm: But I was just going to bang my gavel making the sentence official.
Judge Snyder: Sorry, I’ve already put my clown down.
Judge Harm: But I was just going to—
Judge Snyder: The clown is down.
Homer the Moe
A burp in a jar is not a science project
Lisa: What’re you doing?
Bart: Diggin’.
Lisa: Why?
Bart: Make a hole.
Lisa: A hole for what?
Bart: More diggin’.
Lisa: Okay then.
Moe: That is the stupidest story I ever heard, and I read the entire Sweet Valley High series.
Moe: Look, I don’t want to start a tinkling contest here. Or do I?
A little while later:
Homer: Woo hoo!
Carl: Oh don’t look so proud. That was wind-assisted.
Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glasswipe.
Homer: Turkey: the only animal smarter than man.
A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
Fun does not have a size
Lisa: I love Chinatown. Although I wish they’d stop picking on Tibet Town.
Lisa: How is the Feast of Twelve Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce?
Waiter (George Takei): Very disappointing.
Manager: I supposed you could come up with better fortunes?
Homer: Easy.
Manager: Well?
Homer: “You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.”
Manager: That’s not bad.
Mr. Burns at a strip club: Great heavens! It’s one of those nude female fire stations!
Smithers: He’ll pick you up at seven. Wear a petticoat.
Gloria (Julia Louis-Dreyfus): Petticoat?
Smithers: Here’s a place that… rents them.
Homer: Stop that dog! It has my gum!
Mr. Burns: Put my hand on her knee.
Homer: Yes, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I said her. And I said knee.
Homer: You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
The Blunder Years
I am not Charlie Brown on acid
Marge: Putting away groceries is like unwrapping presents from yourself.
Homer: Hey! You’re looking at that spokesjack. Well I can fantasize too. {he looks around at various products} Oo! Mama Celeste.
Mama Celeste: You touch me, and I cut you! {he looks at the Newman’s Own dressing}
Paul Newman: Homer. I’ll tell you what I told Redford. It ain’t gonna happen.
Marge: I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
Homer: Yeah. Nothing is hurt except feelings.
Professor Frink: Oh dear, I’ve redorkulated!
Mesmerino: When I snap my fingers you will transform into a… famous historian.
Homer: Look at me! I’m a famous historian! Out of my way!
Mesmerino: Now you are… Emily Dickinson.
Homer: Look at me! I’m Angie Dickinson! Out of my way!
Homer: Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa?
Mr. Burns: If you see only one film this year that proves my innocence, make it this one.
She of Little Faith
I do not have a cereal named after me
Announcer: We will return to our film after these very loud messages.
Marge: Oh… He’s leaving her with five babies.
Bart: She already ate three.
Marge: Hm. That’s sensible.
Homer: Son, we are about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God.
Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it’s lost all meaning.
Reverend Lovejoy: People, we need some fundraising ideas.
Marge: Let’s just write to David Bowie again.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, he’s done enough for this church.
Lisa: What are they doing to the church?
Lindsey Naegle: We’re re-branding it. The old church was skewing pious. We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse buy items.
Lisa: I feel like I want to throw up.
Lindsey Naegle: Then my work is done.
Reverend Lovejoy: And now to deliver a special sermon on the sanctity of deliciousness: The Noid.
Lisa: Mr. Gere, I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace. Or is that just a pipe dream?
Richard Gere: We all have dreams. Mine is of a free Tibet.
Lisa: That would be so great.
Lenny: I dream about meatball sandwiches. All you can eat for two bucks.
Richard Gere: Good luck.
Homer: Bacon up that sausage, boy!
Brawl in the Family
Burns: What act of unmitigated evil shall the Republican party undertake this week?
Ralph Nader raising his hand: Oh! Oh oh oh!
Burns: You’ve already done enough, Nader.
Krusty: Let’s get rid of PBS. Those lousy muppets have been taking food out of my mouth for too long.
Burns: Now, Bob Dole will read from the Necronomicon.
Marge: We better stay inside. At least until the squirrels stop melting.
Judge Constance Harm (Jane Kaczmarek): Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law bigamy—or Mormon Hold ’Em—is perfectly legal.
Vegas Mom: I could teach you to count cards.
Bart: Eh. I already have a system.
Bart: You crapped out, Vegas Mom.
Sweets and Sour Marge
Homer: Wow. Now that’s a goiter.
Bart: Why would Duff Beer put out a book?
Lisa: It was originally put out to solve arguments in taverns.
Bart: She said “tavern.” I’m going to Moe’s.
Lisa: I never agreed to that rule!
Bart: Why don’t you try to set a record, Dad?
Homer: That’s a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three-and-a-half minutes?
Bart: Only on Mars.
Homer: The Simpsons are going to Mars!
Man: The only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt.
Homer: Group stunt?
Woman: Like the town that made the world’s largest omelet.
Homer: Denver?
Woman: No. Spanish.
Record Book Guy: Everyone, welcome to the Duff Book of World Records. Springfield is the world’s fattest town.
Homer: Woo hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!
Marge: I’m Marge Simpson. Long-time customer. First time complainer.
Garth Motherloving (Ben Stiller): Hey Marge. I’m not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, “Get the hell out of my office.”?
Homer: Wait. You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas?
Marge: There was one in a cage. But he wasn’t moving.
Cletus Spuckler: Now let’s see if I can remember how to make my mark.
Kent Brockman: Good evening. Our top story: Springfield’s cake hole has been shut forever. Under what has been dubbed “Marge’s Law,” all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Homer: Thank you, Erin Choco-Snitch. That was a group effort.
Spanish Guy: Okay, man, here’s the sugar. Now you give us the money.
Homer leaving with sugar: That wasn’t part of the deal.
Spanish Guy pulls out contract: He’s right. Who wrote this thing?!
Jaws Wired Shut
Gay Pride Marchers: We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: You do this every year! We are used to it!
Marcher: Spoil sport.
Marge: I am not going to make you another spare rib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don’t gain weight.
Marge: Three wars back we called sauerkraut Liberty Cabbage. And we called Liberty Cabbage Super Slaw.
Half-Decent Proposal
I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers
Comic Book Guy: Oh Jar Jar. Everyone hates you but me.
Bart: Cool! Mom’s on drugs. If we turn her in we can get a form letter from Dick Cheney.
Artie Ziff (Jon Lovitz): You can’t spell party without Artie! If you misspell party. Or Artie.
Homer: Okay, Ziff, you get her for the weekend. But no funny stuff. And by funny stuff I mean hand holding, googoo eyes, misdirected woo—which is pretty much any John Woo film.
Homer: This job will be perfect. I’m going to leave this world the way I entered it. Dirty, screaming and ripped away from the woman I love.
Lenny: Quick and pointless. That’s the death for me!
Marge: We have to go save Homer.
Lisa: But West Springfield’s three times the size of Texas. We’ll never find him there.
Artie through the Snore Converter: He’s a loser Marge. Dump him! {singing} I traveled the world and the seven seas. I am watching you through a camera!
The Bart Wants What It Wants
The Giving Tree is not a chump
Lisa: Principal Skinner, you’re just stealing!
Skinner: Pfft. Welcome to Dick Cheney’s America.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Homer, I see your daughter is one of those whale-kissing, Dukakis-hugging moon maidens.
Homer: Ouch! I sat on something sharp.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh. That’s just Lara Flynn Boyle.
Bart: Lis, women are easy. State capitols are hard.
Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior!
Marge: It’s so clean and bland. I’m home!
Marge: I see you drive on the left up here.
Driver: No ma’am. I’m drunk.
The Lastest Gun in the West
Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
Bart: Mom! A dog ate my clothes!
Marge: Nice try, but we’re still going to Riverdance.
Bart: D’oh.
Milhouse: Anyone want to be my new best friend.
Ralph: I will!
Milhouse: Great. Finally I get to be the dominant one.
Ralph: Be quiet.
Milhouse: Yes sir.
from America’s 2nd Best Short Stories: All in all, it had been a weird, weird lottery.
The End…?
Bart: It’s like you’re living in a steak house!
Buck McCoy (Dennis Weaver): Wow. Thank you. Most people just mutter that.
Bart: Is that horse vacuuming?
Buck McCoy: If you can call it that. He soils as much as he cleans.
Grampa: Buck McCoy! He was the greatest of them all. He was bigger than opium.
Bart: Everything tastes better when it’s lassoed!
Milhouse: Would you lasso me a banana?
Buck McCoy: Now how the hell would I do that?!
Bart: He’s drunk!
Homer: I’ve seen drunker.
Homer: My son lost his hero. This should be the greatest night of my life. How come I’m not happy?
Marge: You care about Bart’s feelings.
Homer: Stop saying that!
The Old Man and the Key
Marge: There is no XFL this year. The league folded.
Homer: Wha— Who told you?
Marge: Last year’s MVP. He sweeps up toenails at the beauty parlor.
Zelda (Olympia Dukakis): Hi. I’m Zelda. I put the “ass” in assisted living.
Grampa: Everything’s the last time I do everything.
Grampa: Can’t you just use this recent photo? {hands her a Man Yells at Cloud article}
Zack: What are you scared of, old man?
Grampa: Everything! Dogs. Dutchmen. The gathering darkness.
Tales from the Public Domain
Vampire is not a career choice
Homer: Overdue book? This is the biggest frame-up since OJ! Wait a minute. Blood in the Bronco. The cuts on his hands. Those Jay Leno monologues. Oh my god, he did it!
Homer: Hm. Homer’s Odyssey. Is this about that minivan I rented once?
King of Troy: Now throughout history when people get wood they’ll think of Trojan.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Trojan.
Lisa: What are you laughing at, Dad?
Homer: If I’m laughing at what I think I am, it’s very funny.
Odysseus: Gentlemen, I must be wasted. ‘Cause it looks like that cloud is mad at me.
Circe: Didn’t you eat enough of your friends?
Odysseus: Those were my friends?!
Circe: Yes! I’ve been saying that for hours.
Homer: This one takes place in a make believe kingdom called France.
Joan of Arc: Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights could undermine our beloved tyrant!
Englishman: They’re attacking again.
Englishman 2: I thought we had a truce.
Englishman: Just because you keep saying it doesn’t make it so.
Ophelia: Oh great. now Hamlet’s acting crazy. Well no one out-crazies Ophelia!
Lisa: And that’s the greatest thing ever written.
Bart: Are you crazy? I can’t believe a play where everybody gets murdered could be so boring.
Homer: Son. It’s not only a great play. But also became a great movie. Called Ghostbusters.
Blame It On Lisa
Lindsay Naegle: Hello, I’m your customer service rep, Lindsey Naegle.
Marge: We’ve met you many times, Miss Naegle. Why do you keep changing jobs?
Lindsay Naegle: I’m a sexual predator. Now. How may I best dispense with you today?
Homer: Homer, what are you going to do?
Bart hoping: Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme.
Homer: Get me tools and beer.
Bart: Yes!
Homer: Don’t you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers! I saw it in a movie, whose name I can’t remember.
Marge: It says here we can get anywhere we want by joining a Conga line.
Bart about his Speedo: I feel so European.
Homer: Mine keeps disappearing. {another one disappears} I hope they’re going some place good.
Homer: Take me, but let the boy go!
Brazilian Kidnapper: I’m afraid he has already gone.
Brazilian Kidnapper: Behold! The Amazon. Look quick, because we are burning it down.
Ronaldo: I tried to write, but I didn’t know what state you lived in.
Lisa: It’s a bit of a mystery, yes. But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.
Marge: Homer, why are you laughing?
Brazilian Kidnapper: He has the Stockholm Syndrome.
Brazilian Kidnapper opening suitcase full of money: Look at all that pink and purple!
Brazilian Kidnapper 2: Our money sure is gay.
Weekend at Burnsie’s
Marge: Homer, I’m very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.
Homer: It’s a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge: I’m sleeping on the couch.
Homer: But isn’t marijuana or “dope” illegal?
Dr. Hibbert: Only for those who enjoy it.
Homer: Okay, let’s see. “Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than they actually are.”
Bart: Dad, I though you didn’t like her saxophone.
Homer: I didn’t, but now Daddy’s special medicine—{raises voice menacingly} which you must never use because it will ruin your life—lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience. EVER!
Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Woah! Woah! One question at a time.
Homer: We have a kitchen?!
Gump Roast
Marge: Now before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.
Homer: All my other senses are getting sharper! Bart, you had pizza for lunch. Lisa, you’re extremely depressed.
Krusty: Hey, Homer, do you remember this voice?
Homer: Kathleen Turner! Rawrrrrr!
Grampa Simpson: Holy Toledo! What’s keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The entire collective will of this audience.
Marge: Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don’t give them fodder.
I Am Furious (Yellow)
Bart: Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church?
Geoff Jenkins: Because those things suck.
Stan Lee: Hey, aren’t you the guy who was stalking Linda Carter.
Comic Book Guy: The term is “courting.”
Bart: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I’m starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.
Krusty: Woah, that’s funny! There’s only one way I can compete with this. {on the intercom} Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
Secretary: Susan Anton?
Krusty: No, the lemur.
The Sweetest Apu
Homer: Are you sure you don’t want to come? It’s a Civil War reenactment. We need lots of Indians to shoot.
Apu: I don’t know which part of that statement to correct first.
Apu: Hello Annette.
Annette: How’s life, handsome?
Apu: Eh. Take-a-penny, leave-a-penny.
Lisa: Come on, Dad! We’re gonna be late.
Homer: Okay okay. Don’t go all Mary Todd on us.
Homer to Marge: Why do you always take the side of local merchants?
Apu: I always thought karma was bologna but not anymore.
Homer: Mmmm… caramel bologna.
James Lipton: It’s a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir.
Manjula: I know you have all gone to a lot of trouble to meddle in my affairs. But you cannot change my mind with one night of blasphemy and store-bought tandoori. Or should I say, blandoori!
Little Girl in the Big Ten
Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at.
Homer: Well, hookers and Spider-man.
Homer: Are you okay, Lisa?
Lisa: I’m more than okay. Ich bin ein gymnast!
Homer: Aw, she must have dreamt of Hitler again.
Krusty: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.
Lugash: You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone.
Gymnast: I had a dog.
Lugash: Is cat now!
Lisa to herself: Wow! I’m actually passing as a college student. And they don’t have a Blues Clues. Whoops. Gotta age it up. {out loud} Life sucks.
Gymnast: Totally.
Dr. Hibbert: Now you’re sure you haven’t been to China? There’s no shame in it.
Marge: I knew it was serious when he didn’t want ice cream.
Bart: I did want ice cream!
Marge: Well your father ate it all!
Bart: I’m just going to hang out in this vent. Does this thing suck or blow? {the vent fires up} Suck!
The Frying Game
Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
EPA: Mr. Simpson, allowing an endangered species to die is a federal offense under the Reversal of Freedoms Act of 1994.
Judge Roy Snyder: Homer Simpson, for attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery, I sentence you to 200 hours community service.
Old Jewish Man: Didn’t these meals used to have cobbler?
Homer: Uh. They discontinued the cobbler.
Old Jewish Man: You smell like cobbler!
Homer: Now let’s not get into who smells like what.
Homer: Can’t you do anything? Surprise witnesses? Evidence tampering? Play the race card! {menacingly} Play it!
Homer is talking to Carmen Electra’s chest
Carmen Electra: Uh. Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I’ve made my choice.
Poppa’s Got a Brand New Badge
Lisa: Dad, no! We’re trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win!
Homer: Oh. Every time Santa and I get together it’s a disaster.
Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: Alright, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You’ve got set limits Marge.
Homer: Did you steal dolls from my daughter?
Jimbo: I think they demean women.
Homer: Well think again, son. You’re going to juvie.
Jimbo: But I just got out of juvie.
Homer: Good. Cause I need directions.
Homer: I don’t get it. I finally did a job where I wasn’t lazy, stupid or corrupt. And now I’m going to get killed for it!
Marge: Well then who shot all the gangsters?
Homer: I must have a guardian angel. With a rifle.