Treehouse of Horror XI
Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix.
Marge: I don’t like you ogling her! Why don’t you read Cathy? She’s hilarious.
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.
Homer: Snakes. Nature’s quitter.
Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was—
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
Marge: Well I’ve got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house—
Homer: Woah woah woah. I’m just trying to get in. I’m not running for Jesus.
Homer: I lost my job as an oaf today.
Marge: What? Oh why are the oafs the first to go?
Bart: Maybe you could be a dunce, Father.
Lisa: You know, she’s only fattening you up so she can eat you.
Bart: Eh. What are you going to do?
Lisa: You could at least stop basting yourself.
Mayor Quimby: People, please! We’re all frightened and horny. But we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.
Lisa: Oh no, you poor thing. {she removes plastic and it bites her} Ow! Son of a—
Kang: Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show!
Kodos: Are you sure the space phone is working? {Kang checks} Hang up! They could be trying to call right now.
Kang: I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.
A Tale of Two Springfields
I will not plant subliminal messagores
Lindsey Naegle: I know some of you are upset about the area code change. Especially those of you covered in dynamite.
Homer: Nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.
Nurse: Oh no. You can’t do heart surgery in the dark.
Dr. Hibbert: Sounds like a wager to me.
Kent Brockman: Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you we’re all taking golden showers! {the crew starts laughing} What?
Roger Daltrey: Who huddle!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!
Smithers: Uh. That crease is in your leg, sir.
Principal Skinner: Hm. Not like The Who to be tardy. I’m worried.
Insane Clown Poppy
I will not surprise the incontinent
Homer: Honey, there’s a point in every father’s life when he blows up his daughter’s room.
Lisa: Oh yeah? You didn’t blow up Maggie’s room. {there’s an explosion down the hall}
Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.
Marge: And you’ll lose weight?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It’s a free country!
Sophie (Drew Barrymore): I can’t believe you would gamble with something that meant so much to me.
Krusty: Wait! Time out! Four aces is not a gamble.
Lisa: I’m all for ethnic diversity but this is just pandering.
Homer: Maybe so, but Dawson is gonna be bummed.
Homer: Ow! That bullet went in!
Lisa the Tree Hugger
I am not the acting president
Thai Restaurant Owner: Menu Boy must move silently like ghost. Leave no footprint. Only lunch special.
Marge: I can’t believe how young he is! He’d be cute if he weren’t so idealistic.
Jesse Grass (Joshua Jackson): I’m a level five vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.
Lisa: Do you think I could join Dirt First?
Jesse Grass: Well we might have an opening at the poseur level.
Homer vs. Dignity
I was not the sixth Beatle
Marge: When did this happen? When did we become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.
Marge: Maybe we should talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh? {he imagines it} Heh heh heh. I’m on board.
Mr. Burns: A show about a doll? Why not write a musical about the common cat? Or the king of Siam! Give it up, Smithers.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we’ve been booked into a small theatre in New Mexico.
Mr. Burns: Woah woah. Slow down there, maestro. There’s a “new” Mexico?
Lenny: Wow. I’ve never seen you have so many lunch beers before, Homer.
Carl: Oh I concur! {they look surprised} Word-of-the-day calendar. {holds up an entry for “conquer”}
Lenny: My eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!
Comic Book Guy eating Peeps: Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy.
The Computer Wore Menace Shoes
I will only provide a urine sample when asked
Salesman: That’s the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course you were.
Homer: Don’t worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.
Homer: Now then. {to mouse} Computer, kill Flanders.
Flanders: Did I hear my name? My ears are burning.
Homer to computer: Good start. Now finish the job.
Homer: Oo! It’s Dancing Jesus. If there’s a better use for the internet I haven’t found it.
Lisa: You can’t post that on the internet. You don’t even know if it’s true.
Homer: Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. Nelson is gold.
Bart: You know, it might have been Jimbo.
Homer: Beautiful! We have confirmation.
Chief Wiggum: I assure you, the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them. {beat} Anymore.
Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, alright. This press conference is over.
Lisa: Well you can’t post news if you don’t have any.
Homer: That’s a great idea. I’ll make up some news!
Lisa: At least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that.
Number Six (Patrick McGoohan): Welcome, friend. I’m Number Six.
Number 15: I’m Number 15. What Number are you?
Homer: I am not a number! I am a man! And don’t you ever— Oh wait. I’m Number Five. Ha ha! In your face, Number Six.
Number Six: Yes. Well done.
Homer: Who are all these oddballs?
Number Six: Well they keep us here because we know too much. Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind tic-tacs. And I invented the bottomless peanut bag.
Homer: Of course. It’s so simple. Wait, no it’s not. It’s needlessly complicated.
The Great Money Caper
The nurse is not dealing
Homer: So she was made of chimps.
Bart: Man, magic can do anything.
Bart: Wow! It’s approved by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
Lisa scoffing: That’s a party magic college.
Marge: What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
Homer: I could ask you the very same question!
Marge: Mm. Should I just back out of the room?
Homer: Would you?
Grampa: In the Depression you had to grift. Either that or work.
Grampa: Call me mint jelly! ‘Cause I’m on the lamb.
Skinner’s Sense of Snow
Science class should not end in tragedy
Marge: Ready for the circus, Homer?
Homer: The circus?
Lisa: Le Cirque de Purée. We’ve had tickets since septembre.
Homer: But I want to watch Brett Favre!
Lisa: As French-Canadians, they don’t believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.
Marge: They always pick the guy with the wires.
Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?
Principal Skinner: Bart, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s pretending things didn’t happened. And I think this is one of those.
Bart: One of which?
Principal Skinner: Exactly.
Bart: No, seriously. I wasn’t listening.
HOMR
Network TV is not dead
Totally Sick, Twisted, F***ed-Up Animation Festival
Children Half-Price
Homer: Animation is so great. It’s way better than… whatever the alternative is.
Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Voice: Animotion. Up one and one half.
Homer: Yahoo!
Voice: Yahoo. Up six and a quarter.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?!
Voice: FOX Broadcasting. Down eight.
Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I’m not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C’mon, Marge. We’re a team. It’s uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!
Scientist: That appetite suppressant is amazing!
Scientist 2: Homer… you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food? I’m blind! Augh! Augh!
Scientist 3: Who’s gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist 2: We’ll let marketing worry about that.
Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there’s no god.
Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Scientist: I’m sorry, we don’t play god here.
Homer: That’s ridiculous. You do nothing but play god. And I think your octo-parrot would agree.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn’t be!
Marge: Lisa, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer jumps through the window
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: Okay, it’s in his brain.
Pokey Mom
I will not “let the dogs out”
Warden: He painted a unicorn in outer space. I’m asking you, what’s it breathin’?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain’t no air in space!
Homer: There’s an Air and Space Museum.
Marge: The Lord will forgive me for giving you a second chance.
Jack (Michael Keaton): Actually Marge, it’s the third if you count that farm couple.
Marge: Farm couple?
Skinner: That felon could have torched the whole school. Were it not stuffed with asbestos.
Wiggum: My wife and I like watching that Oz show on HBO. Uh, is… is prison really like that?
Jack: Wouldn’t know. We only get basic cable.
Wiggum: Ouch. I also like that Sex in the City. None of those girls looks like my wife.
Jack: Sportscenter’s not bad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I never got that show.
Jack: What’s to get? They just tell the scores.
Wiggum: Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, ya meet any mob guys? Are they really like The Sopranos?
Jack: I told you, we just get basic cable.
Wiggum: Oh right, right, right. Listen, if I’m getting too chatty, just, uh, just tell me to shut up.
Jack: Ah, I’m enjoying it. Hey, you ever watch them strong man contests? They’re pretty good. Those guys look strong. Other guys in prison say they’re gay, but I don’t know. They look strong to me.
Worst Episode Ever
I will not hide the teacher’s medication
Bart: Milhouse, my friend, you and I are going on a spending spree.
Milhouse: My doctor says I’m not supposed to go on sprees.
Bart: What about jags?
Milhouse: Jags are fine.
Dr. Hibbert: Young man, you had what we call a cardiac episode.
Comic Book Guy: Worst. Episode. Ever.
Comic Book Guy: Human contact. The final frontier.
Bart: I must warn you, once this tape starts it will not stop. Because that button is broken.
Tennis the Menace
I will not publish the principal’s credit report
Abe: You don’t care what happens to me when I die!
Homer: Of course I do, Dad! And if it were up to me you wouldn’t die at all. But try telling that to Killy McGee up there!
Homer: What on earth are you doing?
Lisa: Practicing tennis.
Homer: That’s tennis? Oh! What’s the one where the chicks wail on each other?
Bart: Foxy boxing?
Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ugh. Who pays for that wedding?
Lisa: Dad, I think you’re over-reacting.
Homer: I think you’re under-reacting.
Lisa: This session’s over.
Homer: This session’s under!
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: Bad bye!
Day of the Jackanapes
The hamster did not have a “full life”
Krusty: Eh. This Quiz Show crap is just a fad.
Network Exec: Well fad or not, it’s here to stay.
Sideshow Bob: Oh can it, you tiresome tot-sitter. I was the risible one in our dyad.
Sideshow Bob: Rakes. My old archenemy.
Bart: I thought I was your archenemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.
Krusty: You know I’d like to thank God for my success. Even though I never worshiped or believed in him in any way.
New Kids on the Blecch
I will not buy a Presidential pardon
Marge: Hey, Grampa’s running!
Lisa: That’s not Grampa. Dad’s just dehydrated.
Kent Brockman: A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He’s running on sheer pluck, moxy and grit. All of which he’ll be tested for after the race.
Principal Skinner: So from now on anything caught in your zipper will be handled by the school nurse and not me.
Homer: Evan eht Nioj. You gotta love that crazy chorus.
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s like “rama lama ding dong” or “give peace a chance.”
Lisa: There’s something weird about this video.
Marge: None of those girls has had three kids, I can tell you that.
Lisa: No, something else.
Bart: Think he’s going to do something dangerous?
Nelson: How should I know. Just keep loading missiles.
Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty! Where are we?
Hungry, Hungry Homer
“Temptation Island” was not a sleazy piece of crap
Lisa: Thank you, Dad!
Homer: Hey, any friend of Marge is a friend of mine.
Milhouse: What a great ballgame. Thanks, Weekend Dad!
Kirk: Stop calling me that.
Homer: Dancing away my hunger pangs, moving my feet so my stomach won’t hurt
I’m kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.
Homer: Who are you?
Cesar Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Cesar Chavez: Because you don’t know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
Bye Bye Nerdie
I will not scare the Vice President
The kids are watching a commercial for Stabby-Oh’s featuring a beheaded mother
Lisa: That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Homer: Eh, what can you do. Sex sells.
Marge: Homer! You’re still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again I’m fired. I can’t take that chance.
Terry: Red hair! What’s she trying to pull?
Sherry: Those shoes look Canadian.
Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: What?!
Saleswoman: That’s what you’d hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Marge: “Springfield Baby Proofers”
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: Sorry about that. But the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! Dead tired of baby-proofers who don’t provide a free estimate. Let’s start in the kitchen.
Saleswoman: Now. Pretend I’m a baby.
Homer aside to Marge: That’s a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Marge: Homer, don’t be— Wow. That is huge.
Homer: That baby proofing crook wanted to sell us covers for the electrical outlets. But I’ll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
Marge: She’s not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.
Professor Frink at a scientific convention: Don’t make me flick the lights on and off! {No response from the crowd} Pi is exactly 3! {silence} I’m sorry it had to come to that.
Simpson Safari
I will not flush evidence
Homer: Hurry up! I can’t stand here jabbing you all day.
Bagger: Ow, stop! Bag boys have feelings too you know.
Homer: No you don’t.
Marge: Homer, no! Those were made in the sixties.
Homer: Mmm…. turbulent.
Marge: Who’s Muntu?
Kitenge: He is our leader. He seized power in a bloodless coup. All smothering.
Homer: Just like Jimmy Carter.
Homer: Poachers are nature’s way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry, a poacher is born.
Homer: Augh! A hungry hungry hippo!
Greenpeace: She’s got diamonds everywhere!
Marge: Even on the soles of her shoes.
Trilogy of Error
Fire is not the cleanser
Flanders swearing: Son of a Diddly.
Marge: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!
Homer: Sorry doesn’t put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
Marge: Lisa!
Lisa: Mom, where’d you get that car?
Marge: I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father’s thumb.
Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency!
I’m Goin’ to Praiseland
Genetics is not an excuse
Bart: Ice cream in church? I’m intrigued, yet suspicious.
Lisa: Wow! Look at all these flavors. Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint. Bible Gum?
Reverend Lovejoy: Or if you’d prefer, we also have Unitarian ice cream.
Lisa: There’s nothing here.
Reverend Lovejoy: Exactly.
Lisa: That was great. I can’t believe she found a rhyme for Hezekiah.
Ned: So where’s your band?
Rachel Jordan: They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change “Jesus” to “baby.”
Ned: Oh how horrible.
Rachel Jordan: Oh, they’ll all go to Hell.
Marge: Wow. Three pairs of shoes. Someone had a fetish.
Homer: Now for the awkward part. We gotta talk about money.
Lisa: What? You said we were doing this out of friendship!
Homer: That doesn’t sound like me.
Homer: I’d be glad to spearhead the entire begging initiative.
Ned: Well thanks, Homer.
Homer: No problem. I’ll need a sack and something sharp.
Maude Flanders: She taught us the joy of shame and the shame of joy
Carl: Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.
Sideshow Mel: This place is the height of tedium!
Sea Captain: Yar. She blows.
Children of a Lesser Clod
Today is not Mothra’s Day
Rainier Wolfcastle: I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. Where I will hunt the deadliest game of all: man.
Homer: Soon I will have a miracle hybrid, with the loyalty of a cat and the cleanliness of a dog!
Apu: Hello. I would like to take advantage of your baby prison.
Marge: We’re calling it day care.
Apu: Yes, whatever.
Bart: You haven’t seen the real Homer. It’s all burping and neglect.
Milhouse: I think we know your dad a little bit better than you do, Bart.
Simpsons Tall Tales
I should not be twenty-one by now
Moe: We gotta do something about Bunyan. We’re going bankrupt just feeding and clothing the guy. Not to mention the crushings.
Carl: I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town. Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Paul Bunyan: We’ve been together a long time now. When are we gonna… you know?
Marge: Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes.
Huck Finn: Whitewashin’ sucks, Tom. It powerful sucks.