Homerland
25 years and they can’t come up with a new punishment?
Carl: Man I love conventions.
Lenny: Yeah, they’re the perfect combination of work and binge drinking.
Marge: Dear Christian God—
Lisa: Hey!
Marge: Sorry.
Lisa: Bart, why is the dad I always wished for creeping me out?
Bart: I don’t know. Because you’re incapable of experiencing joy?
Lisa: Point taken.
Bart: I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Annie Crawford (Kristen Wiig): Annie Crawford, FBI.
Bart: You guys know I don’t talk to field agents. Get your boss on the phone.
Lisa: I can complete my dad’s mission, just like George W. Bush.
Mr. Burns: Your plan failed! Thank god this plant has never had a functioning air conditioning system.
FBI Agent: Wait a minute, Burns. You don’t have a functioning AC system at a nuclear plant? That’s against the law!
Mr. Burns: That’s impossible. Smithers, didn’t we move this plant to China?
FBI Agent: Sir, that’s two years from now and you’re not supposed to tell anyone.
Mr. Burns: Oopsie!
Treehouse of Horror XXIII
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
Lisa: ‘Twas Halloween night with the kids door-to-dooring, and all over town blood sugar was soaring.
Bore-ax: I am the Bore-ax, I speak for the woods. But I blasted my likeness on consumer goods.
Fat in the Hat: Sell out!
His breakfast is dinner, his dinner’s dessert. You might see his name on an Amber Alert.
Milhouse: Bart, isn’t it dangerous to fly your kite by an airport?
Bart: Hey, if they get on an Airbus they know they’re taking a chance.
Homer: I have this two heads for one coupon.
Therapist: That’s for lettuce.
Homer: How about this one? One random disorder free with every schizophrenia.
Therapist: That’s mine but it’s expired.
Moe: Of all the kisses I’ve ever gotten in my life, that was the first.
Barney: What do you know, I am gathering moss!
Four Regrettings and a Funeral
We’ll really miss you Mrs. K.
Marge about Bart: He’s such a little Dickens. Although Dickens was pretty well-behaved.
Marge: Now do that thing Gene Simmons does.
Homer: Over-stay my welcome for forty years?
Lila: I shall find another husband as good as you are evil.
Burns: No one’s that good!
Rachel Maddow: Kent I’m going to tell you the most important mistake you ever made… after this break.
Fox News: Dinosaurs died from over-taxation
MSNBC: Fox Started It!
CNN: Will trade news for food
Mayor Quimby: Unfortunately all our cannonballs were melted down to make a statue of Joe Paterno. Which we changed to Eugene Levy.
In loving memory of Marcia Wallace
YOLO
My school schedule does not include a bye week
Kirk: Hey guys. Who wants a whiff of new Kirk smell?
Marge reading the vanity plate: YOLO?
Kirk: “You only live once.”
Homer: Once again, cats have it better.
Kent Brockman: This school is more corrupt than the Italian parliament. If these children are our future then I, for one, do not want to live.
Homer: Marge, if you don’t mind I’m going to quit complaining about my life and start wallowing in the past.
Homer: I was gonna be the King of Cheeseburger Mountain. Did I change or did they stop making mountains out of cheeseburgers? Probably a little bit of both. So sad.
Eduardo: Did your hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory?
Homer: I wish!
Marge: It’s so nice to meet a friend Homer met through the mail that isn’t a sea monkey.
Dolph: This patch is for all the victims of atomic wedgies.
Homer: All this has given me a sense of calm I’ve never had before.
Dr. Hibbert: That’s the morphine.
Homer: Can you give me the morphine forever?
Dr. Hibbert: No way. A person on morphine all the time would constantly dissolve in inappropriate laughter.
Labor Pains
Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember
Homer: You like lies? Here’s a few! College is expensive, but it’s worth it.
Lisa: Look, while I’d like to help, I’m kinda pessimistic about the team’s chances.
Atomette: They’re gonna get creamed.
Homer about Itchy and Scratchy: Kids blow up so fast.
Homer: This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.
Lisa: Don’t worry! Collective bargaining will be able to secure concessions. {the Atomettes look confused.} Uh… we’re gonna… Push ’em back! Push ’em back! Push ’em way way back! All the way to a new contract! ’Cause union power is a fact! And we’re—
Atomette: Okay okay, we get it.
Lisa: “Beat Dallas!” Can never argue with that.
The Kid Is All Right
Lisa: Franklin Roosevelt bravely instituted a series of reforms called the New Deal.
Isabel Gutierrez (Eva Longoria): Which ran totally counter to America’s tradition of limited government. PS It was also unconstitutional.
Lisa: Huh? FDR’s steadfast leadership also helped America win World War II.
Isabel: Until the weak-kneed Democrats sold us out at Yalta. If you haven’t guessed, Lisa, I’m a Republican.
Lisa: A Lincoln Republican?
Isabel: Not really.
Lisa: A Reagan Republican?
Isabel: Keep going.
Lisa: First President Bush?
Isabel: Getting there.
Lisa: Oh dear God.
Homer: Get up here, boy! We’re going to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.
Bart: No! You never let me be Mike Singletary.
Homer: Fine, you’re Mike Singletary. Enjoy your mediocre coaching career.
Isabel: Conservatives only get more conservative. Because every year they get a little bit further through Atlas Shrugged.
Mr. Burns: I love the Spanish. From the Inquisition to the Franco years.
Homer: You used to be fun!
Bill Clinton: Kevin Costner used to be a movie star. Get over it.
Yellow Subterfuge
I will stop asking when Santa goes to the bathroom
Krusty to Lisa: To show my appreciation I’m going to bring you with next time I entertain the troops. Warning: they’re not American troops.
Homer: Hello boy. At times like this there’s not much you can say. Especially if you don’t know what’s happened.
Agent: Don’t you get what I’m trying to tell you? You are now the least popular Krusty in the world.
Krusty: What about Romanian Krusty?
Agent: What, you mean President-for-Life Krusty?
White Christmas Blues
I will not call my teacher “Prancer” and “Vixen”
Krusty about Itchy and Scratchy: Oh my god! I never watched one of these sober! I gotta get this bloodbath off my kid’s show.
Kent Brockman: Meteorologists warn there’ll be no snow this Christmas anywhere in America, not even in Alaska. Where the Eskimos now have a hundred words for nothing.
Homer: Global warming. Huh. By pure coincidence every scientist was right.
Guest: We’ve got a two month old. Are you sure you can handle her?
Bart: Just don’t lose this claim ticket.
Reverend Lovejoy: This whole crowd’s going to be at my sermon today.
Helen Lovejoy: Darling, did Saint Paul worry about the crowds?
Lovejoy: Oh he wrote letters. Any fool can write letters.
Steal This Episode
Marge: Oo, date night! I’ll go change my bra.
Homer: All I need to see this movie is a laptop and a website based in a country that’s really just an offshore oil platform.
Lisa: These people hate my dad. How come they want to make a movie about him?
Hollywood Bigshot: Hollywood may be run by big corporations who want to squash people, but they make movies about people standing up to big corporations who want to squash them.
Homer: I’ll sign with whoever can convince Channing Tatum to gain the most weight to play me.
Married to the Blob
Judas Priest is not “death metal”
Bart: You’ve never watched an episode of Jimmy Kimmel in your life.
Homer: Yes I have. After the Oscars when he forces you.
Kumiko: Does anyone tell you that you look like the man on a box of Mr. Sparkle?
Kumiko: American nerd snark is the finest in the world.
Mr. Nakamura: Homer, drinking that snake wine and going to White Castle has really opened my eyes.
Specs and the City
Marge: What did I say about pointing out the meaningless of things?
Lisa: Not to.
Will Lyman: Many of history’s monsters never received a Valentine. Attila the Hun. Mao Zedong. And me, Will Lyman.
Marge: I’m afraid wives don’t make passes at husbands in those glasses.
Homer: I’m giving them up to whoever dares take them.
Marge grabbing the glasses: Yoink!
Bart: Oh, come on mom!
Marge: For once, I’m grabbing the goody.
Lisa: So the rumors are true. Moms can want things.
Nelson: Simpson, there’s going to be a heart in my hand. Either paper or yours.
Marge: Homer was converting our dollars to gyros. Not the money, the sandwich.
Diggs
Reverend Lovejoy: …and it’s for all these reasons and more, that the kingdom of Moab is the least interesting in the Bible. Amen.
Nelson: Herbivore!
Lisa: That’s someone who eats plants.
Nelson: I named the frog Herb.
Willie: Looks like the Falconry Club’s back from the dead.
Principal Skinner: Can the Esperanto Society be far behind?
Digby Diggs (Daniel Radcliffe): The rumors of my bonkitude have been greatly exaggerated. DSM-V indicates paranoid schizophrenia, but that work is mired in controversy. Mired.
Bart: No offense, but when a crazy guy pretends to be crazy, it’s not funny.
Digby: You’re discounting all talk radio.
Bart: Well I guess some delicate birds are safer in a cage.
Digby: I had thought of it as a therapeutic milieu, but now “cage” is stuck in my head, so thanks. And thanks for being my friend.
The Man Who Grew Too Much
Skinner: One of our brightest and most-meddlesome students called this meeting. Somehow. To discuss an urgent menu matter.
Lisa: Um, that video seemed a little unscientific.
Jenny McCarthy: My name is Jenny McCarthy and I endorse this tirade.
Lisa: Oh my god. It’s worse than I thought. Everybody wait here while I do some actual research. Nobody form any opinions while I’m gone.
Chief Wiggum: Well hurry! We have no minds of our own.
Monsarno Rep: Lisa, I’d like to thank you for mollifying these land apes.
Monsarno Rep: Simpsons, we’re trying to change the world one molecule at a time.
Marge: Sounds like that would take awhile.
Monsarno Rep: Say hello to our chief scientist.
Everyone: Augh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Dr. Sideshow Bob.
Homer: Real doctor or PhD?
Sideshow Bob: PhD.
Marge: Are you say I’m wasting my time?
Homer: No, I’m saying you’re wasting everyone’s time. But it’s a church thing, so that’s a given.
Lisa: Oo! I like the Impressionists.
Sideshow Bob: The boy bands of the art world.
Ned daydreaming about Edna: Sure do miss that laugh.
Nelson: Haw haw! I miss her too.
The Winter of His Content
My dad’s already drunk for St. Patrick’s
Bart: Um, thanks. But I’m not sure I want to be a bully.
Dolph: It’s too late. You’ve seen our faces.
Martin: Excuse us, we’re looking for owls.
Jimbo: Screech or hoot?
Martin: Either one’s fine.
Jimbo: That was an order.
The War of Art
Homer: The Kid/Parent contract. Unenforceable yet you feel like you didn’t completely cave.
Homer: Kettle corn. The heroin of the farmer’s market.
Lisa: This so exciting! My first time establishing provenance.
Homer: Yeah yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks I took you to a wine tasting.
Lisa: That’s a terrible thing for a father to do.
Homer: That’s why she’ll believe it.
You Don’t Have to Live Like a Referee
Bart: Just make a speech about Dad.
Lisa: Everyone does that.
Bart: Everyone does that with good dads. But with our dad it’s like climbing Mount Everest. You either plant your flag at the top of the world or get frozen in agony forever. Either way, hell of a show.
VP: Mr. Simpson, I am the Executive Vice President of the World Football Federation.
Homer: Ooo!
VP: What you Americans call soccer.
Homer: D’oh!
Lisa: Dad, they’re offering us an all-expenses paid trip to the greatest sporting event on earth!
Homer: The 2008 Super Bowl!
New VP: Oh, I wish. Eli Manning’s pass to David Tyree.
Marge: To try to avoid any misunderstandings in Brazil like we had the last time, I’m learning the language.
Homer: Ah, Brazil. I couldn’t stay afraid of you forever.
Brazil: Nazis!
Germany: Nazi harborers!
VP intervening: Guys, guys! You’re both right.
Luca$
Lisa: What does a competitive eater eat?
Lucas: All the glamour foods. Pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings, and the big enchilada. Which is not an enchiladas, but hot dogs. Sixty-four hot dogs is the current record. As the great Kobayashi says, “{speaks Japanese}”.
Lisa: What does that mean?
Lucas: “That’s going to hurt coming out.”
Lisa thinking about Lucas: What am I doing? He’s just Ralph with a dream! The dream of not ralphing.
Snake: If I get caught, it’s suicide by cop.
Wiggum: Oh, I don’t like the sound of that.
Snake: It means I get you to shoot me, dude.
Wiggum: Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork.
Waiter: And your lasagna with cow blood, sir.
Homer: Thanks, Frenchy!
Waiter: I’m not French. I’m just pissy.
Days of Future Future
Rev. Lovejoy: And so we mourn the loss of Homer J. Simpson. Belover husband, father, and poorly-informed sports fan.
Lenny: All he did was yell, “traveling” at the screen.
Homer: I can die all I want. Frink’s got Homer’s like the Tuileries has park benches. Huh. Wonder where I picked that up.
Frink: Oh, I planted a Western history chip, but all you retained were the places to sit down.
What to Expect When Bart’s Expecting
April showers do not bring Matt Lauers
Kirk: Jose, hit the switch!
Trashman: We are not all Josés, man.
Art Teacher: Oh Bart! It’s wonderful!
Bart: Really? Wonderful? I just drowned a grasshopper in paint and let it crawl on the paper ’til he died.
Art Teacher: You know what that’s called? Mixed media conceptual art.
Bart: No it’s not, because I hate art.
Art Teacher: Oo! Protest art.
Bart: Stop encouraging me!
Art Teacher: I will admire you from afar.
Husband: We have some friends that were in the same dark place that we were. Can we give them your name?
Bart: Only if they have five dollars.
Husband sarcastically: Yes, right. I’ll make sure they have five dollars.
Bart: With them.
Husband: Look, I’m sorry our check bounced. I can have the bank teller call you.
Bart: Just give me the cash and you’ll get your driver’s license back.
Brick Like Me
Homer: Aw, they’re so cute when they’re Duplo.
Lisa: But there are millions of parents in the world. Surely some of them like to play with—
Homer: Nope. Not even one. Just look at the things you kids like. Tea parties with pretend food. Hide-and-Seek with flagrant peeking. And the most inhumane torture ever devised by man: Candyland.
Marge: That’s how the world works. Everything fits with everything else and nobody ever gets hurt.
Bart: Relax. I used all the same bricks. Plus Ralph.
Ralph in the wall: Yo soy language lab!
Comic Book Guy: That robot is made out of Batmobile, Hobbit Hole and Spongebob playsets. That’s- that’s miscegenation!
Bart: I’m a creative but undisciplined builder!
Pay Pal
Marge: Why can’t kids still watch Captain Kangaroo?
Bart: Culture’s in decline. Deal with it!
Booth Wilkes-John (John Oliver): We must have the same recipe. Drive to store, buy cheap cake, serves them right.
Marge turns off Topiary Wars
Homer: Ugh. Thank you! Why was that on the Military History Channel?
Bart: Hm. Nobody likes jazz that much. Even the guy playing it had to take drugs.
Lisa: What do you want?
Bart: I’ve got two things for you. This envelope will change your life for the low low price of five dollars. And I’ll throw in a piece of great advice. Tempted?
Lisa paying him: What’s the advice?
Bart: Don’t open the envelope.
The Yellow Badge of Cowardge
Homer: Don’t worry, Marge. As a favor to you I’m enrolling that precious little jerk in this fresh air summer camp.
Marge: That’s a prison road crew.
Bart: I did that last summer. I’m not allowed back.
Chalmers: And now, the 79th running of the Race Around the School. And they’re off. We’ve got a pack of fifth graders on the rail. Simpson holding down the center while Database and Cosine are still testing the wind speed. As the runners go into the first turn, Lewis is in the lead, followed by Lovejoy’s daughter, Fat Tony’s nephew, Brockman’s little girl and Jailbird’s kid. The Frank Sinatra kid, well, he’s doing it his way. Rounding out the pack are all the kids that we never see.
Cletus: Brandine! We’re feudin’ with the Escobars again!
LIVENICE: Athletes United to Read Prepared Statements