Episodes
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Every Man’s Dream
Dr. Hibbert: First, you’re gonna need a spinal tap.
Homer Simpson: Please be the band. Please be the band.
Marge Simpson: Kids, a professional felt the best way for your father and me to work on our relationship was to give up on it.
Mr. Burns: Simpson! Where are your shoes?
Homer: Narcolepsy.
Mr. Burns: Sorry. Sorry.
Homer: I wish my head was filled with guacamole.
Candace (Lena Dunham): Do not take these with alcohol.
Homer: What if I’ve already been drinking and I don’t plan to stop?
Candace: Are you asking me out?
Cue Detective
Homer: If I don’t come home with a washing machine my wife will be so mad. Should I do the thing I’m supposed to do or the thing everybody knows I’m going to do?
Homer: I made them all for you.
Scotty Boom: I’m Scotty Boom and I’m challenging you to an eat-down!
Homer: What’s that? Some kinda eat-down?
Scotty Boom: It’s my new show where I use my big time New York City chef skills to obliterate amateur cooks.
Homer: Who would wtch such a one-sided farce? I’m in.
Lisa Simpson: Okay, look for clues. Are there any local mud samples that we can trace to local heaths and moors. {beat} Sorry. I’ve been watching a lot of Sherlock.
Marge: Come on. Buddhists aren’t quitters.
Lisa: Actually Mom, Buddhism is really just quitting in yoga pants.
Puffless
Halloween of Horror
The Day Before Halloween
Homer: Oo. Mariachi skeletons. They’re spooky but they also teach you about Mexico.
Pop-up Worker: You’re gonna be real sorry for getting us fired.
Homer: I’m sorry now.
Pop-up Worker: Yeah. You’re gonna be.
Homer: I said I’m sorry now.
Pop-up Worker 2: We said you’re gonna be.
Homer: I know when I”m sorry and I’m sorry now. You guys don’t know me at all.
Halloween Day
Marge: Homer, I think we should take down Everscream Terrors.
Homer: What the—? We can’t! I’m the Mozart of Halloween decorations and tonight is the Super Bowl.
Homer: Look, I don’t want to be rude, but you sad losers should go suck somewhere else.
Treehouse of Horror XXVI
Wanted: Dead Then Alive
Sideshow Bob: It seems the only thing that made me happy in my accursed life was killing you. Well. If white zinfandel can make a comeback, so can you.
Sideshow Bob: I feel like a bad New Yorker cartoon.
Homerzilla
CBG: Now we will no longer have anyone floating donuts uselessly in the ocean. They have made our fish fat and ugly. Pathetic.
Homerzilla: D’oh-jo!
Movie Exec: We’ll make millions! After spending hundreds of millions!
Telepaths of Glory
Lisa: We’ve got to save him!
Bart Simpson: Fine. You’ll follow me with a camera, right? Because the important thing these days is everything must be on film.
Homer: You know this is an ASCAP household. God gave you this power for good, not Jazz.
Kang: Once again we only have a cameo.
Kodos: Don’t complain or they’ll put us in 4:3. {4:3} No!
Kang: Just because it looks like season 4 doesn’t make it season 4.
Friend with Benefit
Harper (Kristen Bell): I’m Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.
Lisa: I’m Lisa. Always lived here. Trying to make friends.
Homer: If there’s anything that has true wisdom it’s crowds.
Rich Texan: I don’t give handouts to poor people. It’s not in the spirit of self-made Americanism. As espoused by Russian weirdo Ayn Rand.
Drederick Tatum: Remember when we were A-list?
Rainier Wolfcastle: It all went south for me when I got that DUI and said all those things I secretly believe.
Lisa with an “S”
It’s November 6th–how come we’re not airing a Halloween show?
Homer: Listen, Lady, you can’t take a daughter from a mother unless you’re a bigger star and this is a third world country!
Bart: Mom, if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid turns out, just look at all of them!
Moe: Cheering for someone getting a word right. That is a low bar.
Paths of Glory
At the Alternative Energy Derby
Chalmers: Children! Start your engines.
Lisa: They’re not engines. That’s the whole point of this thing.
Chalmers: Just go.
Lisa: Let me try this again: will you help me break in to an abandoned insane asylum?
Bart: Sociopath? That’s they what they think I am? Fine. I’ll pretend to be the biggest sociopath in the world. And I only need to change three answers.
Barthood
Marge: So how was your camping trip with your father?
Bart: It was okay. We got lots of Starwood Points at the hotel.
Marge: Oh! My thrifty pioneers.
Marge: First no more ¡Ay, caramba!, now this.
Bart: Mom, don’t have a—
Marge: “Have a cow, man”?
Bart: I was gonna say, Don’t have a foolish attachment to the past.
Milhouse: In college I’m gonna reinvent myself. I’ll pretend I have a girlfriend in Canada. I’ll say she lives in Alberta and her name is Alberta. So I don’t have to remember two lies.
The Girl Code
Quinn Hopper (Kaitlin Olson): Well look what we got here. One Silicon Sally in a room full of dongle donkeys.
Lisa: I just wanna learn coding.
Quinn: You think I’m going to give you special treatment just because you ride a pink bike? Well I am. Hit the front row, sister.
Burns: Wordplay is for crosswords and Kazurinskys. We produce atomic energy. We can’t joke about the “m” word. How many people have seen this hate speech?
Smithers: Oh I don’t know. 55?
Burns: A baker’s half hundred. Good lord!
Homer: I hate the modern world and all its made up words! Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer.
Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles
Apu: I know you have concerns, but this video will gloss over all of them.
Homer: It better.
Bart: I’ve got a starter ‘stache! Next I’m a loser. Then I’m a creep. Then I’m a perv. I’ve gotta buy a van.
Skinner: You do not have to tutor this boy under the new One Child Left Behind law.
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Much Apu About Something
Mayor Quimby: We have more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any non-Chicago city.
Bart: I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, you can’t prove anything.
Homer: You did do it, I saw you do it, and here’s proof!
Bart: ¡Ay caramba!
Apu: Quick and Fresh! Who spells “quick” with a “Q”?
Apu: I’m sorry nephew. I was jealous and karma has exacted a terrible price.
Jay: Word. And I was kind of a douche wheel.
Apu: Even your way of apologizing offends me.
Love is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4
Hershey Kisses do not drop from Cupid’s butt
Mandy: Okay, Lenny, time to stop talking about Carl.
Lenny: Why don’t you ask me to stop breathing?
Homer: Pish posh, Professor. What makes a guy and a girl click isn’t science, it’s chemistry.
Professor Frink: Which is science.
Gal of Constant Sorrow
Lisa: You’re tapping. You have to swipe.
Homer: I’m swiping, I’m swiping.
Lisa: Pretend you’re swiping chocolate icing off a cake.
[…]
Homer swiping: There really is icing on here.
Homer: Why was I born a homeowner!
Hettie Mae Boggs (Kate McKinnon): If you hide me here I’ll give you a dollar a day. Here’s one week in advance.
Bart: Yes! I’m a slumlord.
Lisa: Oh! You’ve hurt yourself.
Hettie: Ah, nope. That’s syrup.
Lisa: Oh, let me find you a wetnap.
Hettie: I just woke up from a wet nap.
Lisa: Okay, conversation’s over.
Lisa: You can sleep it off on our couch.
Hettie: Well thank you, sweetheart. Hey, what time do you do your couch gags?
Lisa: Around eleven in the morning. You’ll be fine.
Lisa the Veterinarian
Marge: Well as a mother, I—
Bart: We all know you’re a mother.
Homer: Cola Wars veteran, coming through!
Lisa: My first rescue. And my first real kiss.
The Marge-ian Chronicles
Homer: Okay son, stay sharp. If chickens are known for two things it’s bravery and intelligence.
Homer: Who wants to take a trip to a barren, lifeless rock?
Bart: Yeah. In a couple years we’ll have a barren, lifeless rock right here.
Homer: This guy gets it!
Marge: You are grounded! You are confined to this planet!
Homer: And its moon.
Homer: I’ve utilized my male mind to come up with a plan so supportive Lisa will never want to do anything again.
Barry: And your father’s a former astronaut. What an honor!
Homer: Last time I almost killed everybody.
Barry: And what did you learn from that?
Homer: Lessons, I guess.
Lisa: Mom, doesn’t it frighten you that we almost went to Mars out of sheer stubbornness?
Marge: That’s what a mother-daughter relationship is, sweetie. A series of near-fatal emotional standoffs.
The Burns Cage
Fland Canyon
Homer: Is it such a good idea to travel with another family?
Kirk Van Houten: It’s fun. We travel with the Hibberts all the time.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: We ran into you once in Cincinnati.
Kirk: And we had dinner. We slid our tables together.
Dr. Hibbert: We were in a booth we could not get out of.
Homer: Aw! No bars!
Marge: You mean on your phone?
Homer checks phone: Hey, you’re right. Even more bad news!
Ned: Always wanted to visit the postcard museum. Thank you.
Homer: My pleasure.
Ned: I wonder if they sell postcards in the gift shop.
Museum Guard: We don’t.
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