Clown in the Dumps
Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately my dad doesn’t die
Krusty: My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time.
Therapist Pickles: So, what brings you here? And don’t say, “Clown car.”
Krusty: I’m a sad, tragic clown! Like whats-his-name. Liberace.
Krusty: Have you been going to Temple?
Bart: Yeah, and I’ve learned that all religions are equally boring. Come and see.
Krusty: Kid, there’s no way you can cheer me up. Not when whiskey, good deeds and hookers failed.
Bart: Who’s a hooker?
Krusty: Uh. With me it’s easier to say which ones aren’t hookers.
Homer: Your daughterly love saved me, sweetie.
Lisa: That’s all I wanted. A tiny bit of control.
The Wreck of the Relationship
Homer: I thought we installed parental blocking software on all our computers.
Bart: I don’t know what that stuff blocks.
Marge typing: “Mammogram appointment”. {an alarm goes off}
Bart: Why do I need to eat broccoli?
Homer: So you can grow up healthy and strong, like… Randy Quaid. Yeah. Randy Quaid. He’s very healthy.
Marge: Homey! The fantasy draft just ended. I got you five kickers. It is called football, right?
Homer to Bart: You are definitely eating that broccoli.
Lisa: Mom, it’s trash talk. You know, how guys say mean things to their friends like women say nice things to their enemies.
Marge: The wifi! The wifi! I’ve got to take out the wifi! {she grabs the router and runs out of church}
Lisa: She’s under a lot of stress. Her husband’s at sea.
Super Franchise Me
Treehouse of Horror XXV
School is Hell
Eternal torture is the only punishment for the unbaptized.
Lisa: It’s true. It would be a cold day in hell when I was popular.
Teacher: Wow. Wow. That is so evil. And I know evil. I’m head of the teacher’s union.
A Clockwork Yellow
Moog: We was narsty tastards, we were. Even though we dressed like Carole Channing’s back-up dancers.
Moog: Those punks got no respect for them what come before. They didn’t even wear no cod pieces.
Dum: How do they expect to draw the eye to their chunky wunks?
Moog: And so my brothers, I was beaten, I was bruised I couldn’t even score at an orgy. But I was happy.
The Others
Homer: The power of Chrysler compells you!
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Simpsons, please! This fighting solves nothing.
Marge: Dr. Marvin Monroe? Are you alive or dead?
Monroe: I’m in some horrible limbo. I walk halfway through walls then I get stuck.
Opposites A-Frack
Patty: Screw this. We’ll just go outside.
Selma: Nature is God’s ashtray.
Lisa: Stopping Mr. Burns may be beyond the power of an eight-year-old girl who has a book report due on Beezus and Ramona, but I know someone who can help.
Maxine Lombard (Jane Fonda): As Chairwoman of this committee on Energy, Natural Resources and Blimp Safety, your fracking operation is hereby shut down.
Mr. Burns: My Antonin Scalia bedroom!
Robert Siegel: It’s a National Public Radio broadcast center now.
Mr. Burns: Who are you?
Robert Siegel: I’m Robert Siegel. And this is All Things Considered.
Simpsorama
Couch Gag
Hedonismbot: Wiggle in! Get comfortable.
Homer: Hey, a couch is a couch.
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Probably just another piece of America’s space junk falling out of orbit.
Bart: Remember when this country didn’t suck? ‘Cause I don’t.
Homer: The eyes of that picture are following me!
Bart: That’s a mirror.
Homer: Isn’t all great art kind of a mirror?
Homer: Don’t drink my loved one!
Bender Bending Rodriguez (John DiMaggio): Bite my shiny metal ass!
Homer: A robot! With a catchphrase!
Lisa: You know, they look a little similar.
Bart: Yeah, like the guy who designed Bender just took a drawing of Dad and stuck an antenna on.
Lisa: A little lazy if you ask me.
Lisa: Wait! Stop! Why must you kill my dad? Especially when cheeseburgers are doing the work for you.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth (Billy West): Homer Simpson must be eliminated immediately. The creatures destroying New New York have his DNA.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Phillip J. Fry (Billy West) to Bart: That means it’s bad.
Bart: Wow. I’m doing the same jokes a thousand yeas later. Ay, Carumba!
Lisa: I can’t believe you’re all giving up without a fight!
Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal): Lisa, we’re just a package delivery service.
Fry: And not a very good one.
Blazed and Confused
Superintendent Chalmers: Behold! Your lemons. Sociopathic child-haters who are only teachers because they got tenure after two short years.
Jack Lassen (Willem Dafoe): …and I’ve got a full HBO special on your fat mama.
Nelson: My mom can’t afford to be fat. She’s an exotic dancer!
Lassen: Oh! And in what exotic location does she dance?
Nelson: A Touch of Class. But the C-L fell off.
Lassen: Son, there was never a C-L.
Nelson: I… I think I always knew that.
Lassen: You seem lonely and kind of weird.
Miss Hoover: You left out single.
Milhouse: That’s against the terms and conditions!
Bart: We’ve all read the terms and conditions, Milhouse.
Covercraft
Lisa: Look at all these monstrosities.
Homer: Lisa, how many times have I told you to bow down to our corporate overlords.
Kent Brockman: Apu and the band appeared on Saturday Night Live as the punchline of a game show sketch.
Bart: What’s a game show?
Homer: Something they make sketches about.
Lisa: Dad, you shouldn’t be jealous of Apu. Remember, it’s all about the music.
Homer: I’m not jealous. I’m envious. Jealousy is when you’re worried someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy.
Lisa checking: Wow. He’s right.
Homer: If something great happens to one person, everyone else’s life gets a little worse. Look it up. It’s called physics!
I Won’t Be Home for Christmas
Reindeer meat does not taste like chicken
Homer: Maybe a drink will help me with my driving.
Bart: Aw, it’s Christmas Eve, man. We do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight!
Homer: Doesn’t the money go to our schools?
Apu: You’ve been to our schools. What do you think?
Bart: They say a boy never gets over seeing his dad in a Santa suit getting hanged and electrocuted on Christmas Eve.
Marge: Well, with all that you folks have experienced, I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom.
Grampa: The problem with Puerto Ricans is—
Marge: No casual racism!
Homer: Mm. Load-bearing wall…
The Man Who Came to Be Dinner
Bart’s New Friend
The Musk Who Fell to Earth
Walking Big & Tall
Rich Texan: Guns are for celebrating. What do you do when you’re angry?
Moe: We’ve been singing this song like it only belonged to us. When every city in America’s had its lips on it. Even Des Moines. He spits.
Pharrell Williams: Shelbyville rules. Springfield drools!
Lisa: You’ve got a gift!
Bart: Don’t be so surprised. I did write that “Lisa, it’s your birthday” song.
Lisa: Yeah, with that mental patient who thought he was Michael Jackson.
Bart: Woah. Thinking back, I’m kind of surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.
Homer: Simpler times.
Comic Book Guy: Kumiko, would you still love me if I lost weight?
Kumiko: Much more!
My Fare Lady
The Princess Guide
Sky Police
Waiting for Duffman
Peeping Mom
The Kids Are All Fight
Let’s Go Fly a Coot
Bull-E
Mathlete’s Feat