Season 4
Kamp Krusty
This punishment is not boring and pointless
Miss Hoover: Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds let’s just quietly run out the clock.
Teacher as the kids rush out with the bell: Wait a minute! You didn’t learn how WWII ended! {the kids pause} We won!
Kids: Yay!!! USA! USA!
Bart: Don’t we get to roast marshmallows?
Kearney: Shut up and eat your pine cone!
Dolph: Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy.
Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil!
Lisa: I feel like I’m going to die, Bart.
Bart: We’re all going to die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.
Bart: Alright, that’s it. I’ve been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty Kalculator didn’t have a seven or an eight. And Krusty’s autobiography was self-serving, with many glaring omissions. But this time, he’s gone too far!
Krusty: Well I’m gonna make it all up to you. I’m gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks in the happiest place on Earth—Tijuana!
A Streetcar Named Marge
My name is not “Dr. Death”
Troy McClure about the contestants: If you ask me, they’re all winners! We’ll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this.
Debra Jo Smallwood: Tonight my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. And I’d like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations.
Llewellyn Sinclair (Jon Lovitz): I am not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, “Play Enjoyed By All” speaks for itself.
Marge: I’m Marge Simpson. I’ll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
Llewellyn Sinclair tasting one: Well. Would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Wiggum: I would.
Ms. Sinclair (Jon Lovitz): We’re the only day care center in town that’s not currently under investigation by the state.
Homer: Oh no! My pudding is trapped forever!
Bart: Wow, she can fly!
Lisa: I think it’s supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.
Homer: Hey, you know I’m a lot like that guy.
Marge: Really?
Homer: Yeah. Like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff.
Homer the Heretic
I will not defame New Orleans
With the church doors frozen shut, Lisa starts praying.
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.
Homer: Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap!
Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
Homer: No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.
Homer: I’m not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to hell?
God: Hm. You’ve got a point there. You know, sometimes even I’d rather be watching football.
Lisa: Dad, can I ask you a question?
Homer: Sure honey.
Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Homer: Don’t worry, sweetheart. If I’m wrong I’ll recant on my deathbed.
Moe: I was born a snake handler and I’ll die a snake handler.
Homer: Hey Ganeesha, want a peanut?
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Ned: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid. Be they Christian, Jew or… miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.
Lisa the Beauty Queen
I will not prescribe medication
Lisa: Dad, do you think I’m ugly ?
Homer: What are you talking about? {she shows him the caricature} Oh, Lisa, this isn’t real. It’s just how you’d look if you were a cartoon character.
Lisa: I’m an ugmo!
Homer: Now that is not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?
Grampa: No! You’re homely as a mule’s butt!
Homer: There. See?
Homer: Hey there, Blimpy Boy! Flying through the sky so fancy free.
Lisa: I’m hideous.
Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. {singing} “There once was an ugly duckling—”
Lisa: So you think I’m ugly?
Marge: No! No, I meant you were one of the good looking ducks. That makes fun of the ugly one. Mm.
Contestant 1: Did you see Tina Epstein?
Contestant 2: Woah. If you’re going to binge you better purge.
Contestant 1: Uh oh.
Contestant 2: Amber Dempsey.
Contestant 1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
Lisa: She’s beautiful.
Contestant 2: Wait, she’s about to bring out the big guns.
Contestant 1: Eyelash implants.
Lisa: I thought those were illegal.
Contestant 1: Not in Paraguay.
Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always wanting more! more! more!
News Anchor: Coming up next. A new fad that’s sweeping the nation: wasting food.
Lisa: As Little Miss Springfield it’s my pleasure to welcome you to America. The land of opportunity.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, actually they’re being deported.
Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I don’t know. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It’s a deal.
Treehouse of Horror III
Homer: Good evening. I’ve been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. It’s stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there—religious types, mostly—who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you. {clucking} Chicken! {the lights go out} Hey!
Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone “chicken”?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That’s not a Bible, that’s a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mm… fuzzy.
Marge: Where’d you get all the money?
Grampa Simpson: The government. I didn’t earn it. I don’t need it. But if they miss one payment, I’ll raise hell!
Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt. Which I call “frogurt”.
Shopkeeper: Take this object. But beware—it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Oo, that’s bad!
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.
Homer: That’s good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.
Homer: That’s good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. {no reaction} That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Bart: I’d say that the pressure’s finally gotten to dad, but, what pressure?
Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
Homer: The doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughing at me!
Bart: Grampa, why don’t you tell us a story. You’ve led an interesting life.
Grampa: That’s a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies…
Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don’t mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.
Bart: I’ve got a story so scary you’ll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, do you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.
Lisa: Bart! You cast the wrong spell! Zombies!
Bart: Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living impaired.
Bart: I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was.
Homer cocking a shotgun: To the book depository!
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?
Marge: Well I’m sure glad we didn’t turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Sh! TV.
Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie
I will not bury the new kid
Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we’re at the Parent-Teacher meeting. We’ll bring back dinner.
Bart: What are we going to have?
Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If you’ve been good, pizza. Ib you’ve been bad, ah, let’s see. Poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poisoned pizza.
Homer: Oh no! I’m not making two stops.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots. Replacing my birth control pills with tic-tacs.
Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Bart: Ah… we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer: Oh yeah. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
Marge: Homer, do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can’t he be both like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn’t a stripper!
Homer: Now who’s being naive.
Forty years later
Homer: Which one’s the mouse?
Bart: Itchy.
Homer: Itchy’s a jerk.
Bart chuckling: Yeah.
Marge Gets a Job
I will not teach others to fly
Marge: Homer! That’s dishwashing liquid.
Homer: Yeah, but what are you gonna go?
Marge about Ned outside: Did you notice how slanted he looked?
Homer: All part of God’s greater plan. {Maggie slides by}
Marge: I think one side of our house is sinking.
Troy McClure: Hello. I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as “Mothballing Your Battleship” and “Dig Your Own Grave and Save!”
Marge: Well, Lisa, I finished my resume. {Homemaker: 1980 to present}
Lisa: Uh… I think it needs a little padding.
Marge: What are you putting in there?
Lisa: Bup bup bup. When I’m done.
Marge: Chauffeur. Seamstress. Curator of large mammals?
Homer: Marge, have you seen my lunchbox?
Marge: Oh. I see.
Lisa: Mom they expect you to lie a little.
Marge: “Worked for the Carter administration”?
Lisa: Well you voted for him. Twice.
Marge: Lisa. Sh! Someone might be listening.
Smithers: Well, have fun.
Marge: What do I do?
Smithers: Marge, please. According to your resumé you invented this machine.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Bart: I’m halfway through it, I swear!
Mrs. Krabappel: So Bart, how are you feeling?
Bart: Can’t complain.
Mrs. Krabappel: Well then you’re ready for your make-up test.
Bart: Oh! My ovaries!
Mr. Burns: Do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ah… you remember we did that once before?
Mr. Burns: Oh that’s right, he’s dead… and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I’d like to forget.
Mr. Burns: Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Homer: Gotcha. Marge, we’re getting some drive-thru and then we’re doin’ it twice.
New Kid on the Block
I will not bring sheep to class
Waiter: I’m sorry, ma’am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge: What about the bread, does that have much fish in it?
Waiter: Yes.
Marge: Well, I have some tic-tacs in my purse.
Waiter: Excellent choice.
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story.
Homer: So you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Moe: Amanda Hugginkiss. Hey, I’m looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can’t I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Laura (Sara Gilbert): Well Bart, you were right about him.
Bart: As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
Laura: Hello, I’d like to speak to Ms. Tinkle. First name Ivana.
Moe: Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! All right everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!
Mr. Plow
A burp is not an answer
Troy McClure: I’m your host Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Erotic Adventures of Hercules and Dial M for Murderousness. Tongiht we’ll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals. Excitement she wrote!
Homer: Almost time for our commercial.
Bart: Dad, who’s watching TV at 3:17am?
Homer: Alcoholics. The unemployable. Angry loners.
Lisa: Look, there we are!
Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV.
Homer: So remember! {singing} “Call Mr. Plow, that’s my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.”
Mayor Quimby: Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get to where they’re going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city.
Homer: Barney, you stole my idea.
Barney: Don’t worry, Homer. There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. {he shoots out Homer’s tires}
Lisa’s First Word
Teacher is not a leper
Marge: Guess what, Homey. There’s going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now.
Homer: We’re going to start doing it in the morning?
Grampa: All I have is this house, which I built with my own two hands.
Homer: You didn’t build this house. You won it in a crooked fifties gameshow.
Grampa: I ratted everybody out and got off scot-free!
Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa: “Mondale to Hart: Where’s the beef?”
Bart: “Where’s the beef?” What the hell’s that supposed to mean?
Homer: Heh heh heh. “Where’s the beef.” No wonder he won Minnesota.
Bart: Can’t sleep, clown will eat me. Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.
Krusty: I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds.
Bart: I’m her first word!
Marge: Well I’m not surprised. Lisa’s crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon.
Bart: Wow.
Homer: You know, Maggie. The sooner kids talk they talk back. I hope you never say a word. {he leaves}
Maggie (Elizabeth Taylor): Daddy.
Homer’s Triple Bypass
Coffee is not for kids
Homer: You know the feeling you get when a thousand knives are stabbing in you the heart? I got that right now. Oo! Bacon!
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson I’m afraid you’ve just had a mild heart attack.
Homer: But I’m out of the woods now right? I mean whatever doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh no. Quite the opposite. It’s made you weak as a kitten.
Homer: Remember your Hippopotamus Oath.
Dr. Nick: You’ve tried the best, now try the rest.
Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We’re part of the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs nor lows.
Homer: Really? What’s it like?
Lisa: Eh.
Dr. Nick singing: The knee bone’s connected to the… something. The something’s connected to the… red thing. The red thing’s connected to my wrist watch… Uh oh.
Marge vs. the Monorail
I will not eat things for money
Homer: Simpson! Homer Simpson! He’s the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He’s about to hit a chestnut tree! {hits tree}
Smithers: Well sir, where should we dump this batch? The playground?
Mr. Burns: No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!
Agent Malone: Some Boy Scouts stumbled upon your little game of Hide the Ooze.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Oh Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Virtual Genghis Khan: Hello Lisa! I’m Genghis Khan. You’ll go where I go. Defile what I defile. Eat who I eat!
Lyle Lanley (Phil Hartman): You know a town with money is a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it. The name’s Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest…. Oh, it’s not for you. It’s more of a Shelbyville idea.
Marge: But Main Street’s still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Lyle Lanley: So then. Mono means one. And rail means rail. And that concludes our intensive three week course.
Marge: Homer, there’s a family of possums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
Mayor Quimby: Now I’d like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy: I’d say this vessel could do at least warp five.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, may the force be with you!
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren’t you one of the Little Rascals?
Technician 1: Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power.
Technician 2: No such luck. It’s solar power.
Technician 1: Solar power. When will people learn.
Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
Seat Mate: Does anyone want to switch seats?
Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do.
Bart: Dad, you’re a hero!
Homer: Yes son. I’m the best mono-thingy guy there ever was.
Selma’s Choice
I will not yell “she’s dead” during roll call.
Homer: Patty, Selma. I’m sorry.
Patty: He’s hugging us. What do we do?
Selma: Just close your eyes and think of Macguyver.
Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There’s something missing in our lives.
Patty: Don’t worry, we’ll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
Selma: Patty, I want a baby.
Lisa: Goodbye, Dad! Don’t eat any solids!
Homer: But I love solids!
Lisa: This is a disgrace.
Selma: Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational.
Bart: Hey, Lis. I dare you to drink the water.
Lisa: I’m not sure that is water.
Bart: Chicken. {starts making chicken noises}
Lisa: Quit it, Bart. Quit it! Quit it!
Selma: Bart be quiet! Lisa drink the water!
Selma: Can’t you do something?
Duff Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy. Surly!
Selma: Sorry Surly.
Duff Surly: Shut up.
Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!
Brother from the Same Planet
The principal’s toupee is not a frisbee.
Lisa: Dad! Hide your shame!
Flanders: Hey Homey. I can see your doodle.
Homer: Shut up Flanders.
Bart: Some day I want to be an F-14 military pilot like my hero Tom. Who lent me this new weapon called a neural disruptor.
Mrs. Krabappel: He’s not dead, is he, Bart?
Bart: Nah. But I wouldn’t give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good. Thank you, Bart.
Bart: Oh don’t thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight year military build-up.
Homer: Hey boy, where are you going?
Bart: Father son picnic.
Homer: Have a good time. {pause} Wait a minute.
I Love Lisa
I will not call the principal “spud head.”
Lisa: Here you go Ralph.
Ralph: You choo choo choose me?
Lisa: Happy Valentine’s.
Ralph: …The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.
Homer: I’ve heard ’em all. “I like you as a friend.” “I think we should see other people.” “I no speak English…”
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: “I’m married to the sea.” “I don’t want to kill you, but I will.”
Homer: And if that doesn’t work, six simple words: “I’m not gay. But I’ll learn.”
Bart: I’ll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he—
Bart: You don’t want to know how far I’ll go.
Duffless
Goldfish don’t bounce
Marge: What’s so funny?
Lisa: Oh. Ah… I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman’s Head.
Chief Wiggum on phone: Ah yeah, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He’s dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait. I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up. {hangs up phone}
Mrs. Phillips walking in: My name’s Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DWI.
Chief Wiggum: Uh… Why don’t you talk to that officer over there. I’m going out to lunch.
Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Sarcastic Sales Guy: Well he gets the ending first, then he works backwards.
Lisa: Ah, come on.
Sarcastic Sales Guy: Look kid, just take him before his mother eats him, alright?
Troy McClure: Hi! I’m actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such driver’s ed films as Alice’s Adventures Through the Windshield Glass and The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.
Homer: Marge, I’m goin’ to Moe’s. Send the kids to the neighbors, I’m comin’ back loaded.
Last Exit to Springfield
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
Worker: You can’t treat the working man this way. One day we’ll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we’ll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless. And the Japanese will eat us alive!
Elder Burns: The Japanese! Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders! Bosh! Flimshaw!
Homer: Where’s my burrito! Where’s my burrito! Where’s my burrito!
Homer: Hey, what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothin’.
Homer: D’oh!
Carl: Unless you’re crooked.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. But I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. {he grabs a page from the typewriter} Let’s see. “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times”! You stupid monkey!
Lisa: “So we’ll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plants but we have the power.”
Lenny: Now do Classical Gas.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I’m beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.
So It’s Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
No one is interested in my underpants
Bart: You’re going down, Homer. I’m gonna fool you.
Homer: You talk better than you fool.
Bart: I’ll fool you up real nice.
Homer: You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Lisa: Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
Homer: God bless those pagans.
Dr. Hibbert: Mrs. Simpson, I’m afraid your husband is dead. {gasps} April Fools.
The Front
I will not sell miracle cures
Lisa: That’s as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh. Sort of.
Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Bart: Probably not.
Marge going through bills: “Third notice.” “Final notice.” “Some guys are coming.”
Marge: What’s this? An invitation to our high school reunion. Gee, that’s odd. They didn’t send one to you.
Homer’s Brain: This is it, Homer. It’s time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh my god!
Homer’s Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well that still doesn’t explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.
Dondelinger: Alright, here are your exams. Fifty questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just take the test and you’ll do fine.
Homer: False.
Homer: Alright, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you. But let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer’s Brain: It’s a deal.
Whacking Day
I will return the seeing-eye dog
Superintendent Chalmers checking the sandbox: Excellent. Not a trace of urine. Seymour, you run a tight ship.
Skinner: Well you know what they say, sir. Where there’s no smoke, there’s no fire.
Superintendent Chalmers: What an odd remark.
Kent Brockman: First, a look at a local holiday that was called distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies: Whacking Day!
Lisa: Oh no!
Homer: Hey kids, how was school?
Lisa: I learned how many drams in a penny weight.
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That’s my boy!
Springfield Christian School: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Dogma
Bart testing a soda: Sweet.
Researcher: Pleasing taste. Some monsterism.
Lisa: Dad, everyone likes Whacking Day but I hate it. Is there something wrong with me?
Homer: Yes, honey.
Lisa: Then what should I do?
Homer: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. Remember that?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: When Daddy hit the referee?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: Yeah.
Lisa: Dad, please, for the last time I beg you: don’t lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer: Maybe if I’m part of that mob I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where’s my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
Marge in Chains
I do not have diplomatic immunity
Troy McClure: I’m Troy McClure, star of such films as P Is for Psycho, and The President’s Neck Is Missing.
Nick Riviera: Order now and you’ll also get Sun-n-Run. The suntan lotion that’s also a laxative!
Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.
Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he’s had it in for me ever since I kind of ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well replace the word “kind of” with the word “repeatedly.” And the word “dog” with “son.”
Bart: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll bust you out of there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.
Homer: Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation. Your skill with stains of all kinds. But mostly I’ll miss how lucky you make me feel each and every morning.
Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart: We flushed the gator down the toilet but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
Krusty Gets Kancelled
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
Kent Brockman: Rainier Wolfcastle, star of McBain and the upcoming film, Help! My Son is a Nerd.
Rainier Wolfcastle: My son returns from a fancy East Coast college and I’m horrified to find he’s a nerd.
Kent Brockman: I’m laughing already!
Rainier Wolfcastle: It’s not a comedy.
Kent Brockman: Oh.
Rev. Lovejoy: Everyone is saying, “Gabbo this” and “Gabbo that”. But no one is saying, “Worship this” and “Jericho that”!
Hugh Hefner: A lot of people know about the grotto and the game room.
Bart: Of course.
Hugh Hefner: But few know about the laboratory, the biosphere, the alternative energy research center.
Agent: Miss Taylor, a couple of grade school kids wanted you to be in a Krusty special. I told ’em to buzz off.
Elizabeth Taylor: Good. {she goes back to polishing her Academy Award}
Lisa: Krusty! What have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I’d get into shape so I’ve been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
Krusty: Uh oh.
Krusty: Now Johnny, whatcha got for us? Jokes? Little magic?
Johnny Carson: Actually I thought I’d lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
Krusty: I’m a star again. I don’t know how to thank you kids.
Bart: That’s alright, Krusty.
Lisa: We’re getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty: What?! That’s the sweetest plum!