Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important.
Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us. Bart, he broke your dog’s legs. Grampa, he destroyed your home. And Dad, well, you kinda went a little berserk when he couldn’t remember your name.
Homer: Berserk is right!!! Can I have some iced tea please?
Bart: Aren’t we forgetting someone? Sister Suspect.
Lisa: I was just getting to me. Because of Mr. Burns they canceled my Jazz program and my friend Tito Fuente got fired.
Sideshow Mel: At the town meeting he mentioned that he watched Comedy Central. I made sure to note that as it seemed quite unusual.
Smithers: Thank god. Sir, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg.
Jasper: You shot who in the what now?
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn’t shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you’re free to go.
Moe: Good, ’cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*
Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you’re under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D’oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that’s what they all say. They all say, “d’oh.”
Mr. Burns: The old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy was exceedingly difficult.
Mr. Burns: Arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah right, Pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Hm… maybe Texas.
Radioactive Man
“Bewitched” does not promote Satanism
Studio Exec: I don’t see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
Studio Exec: I keep telling you, he’s 73 years old and he’s dead.
Bart to applause: Thank you. It’s all in the delivery. “Now is the winter of our discontent.”
Ralph: Oh no! Run!
Director: Congratulations, Bart Simpson, you’re our new Fallout Boy! {he gasps} That’s what I’d be saying to you if you weren’t an inch too short. Next!
Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend. Someone to tell him he’s great, someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he’s feeling low.
A stagehand is painting a horse with spots
Martin: Uh, sir, why don’t you just use real cows?
Stagehand: Cows don’t look like cows when you film ’em. You gotta use horses.
Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
Stagehand: Usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
Director: Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety, moments before he’s hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now that’s real acid so I want to see goggles, people!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Real acid?
Director: Okay, roll film! Tip the acid vats and… action!
Radioactive Man: Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
Director: Where’s Fallout Boy? Fallout Boy!
Rainier Wolfcastle: Uh oh. {the acid hits him} My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
Mickey Rooney: I hope you’re all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch a naive movie folks. Folks from a Hollywood where values are different. They weren’t thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story—a story about a radioactive man. And you slick small towners took them for all they were worth.
Home Sweet Homediddily-Dum-Doodily
No one wants to hear from my armpits
Ned: Welcome to your new home, neglecterinos!
Maude: I don’t judge Homer and Marge. That’s for a vengeful god to do.
Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa, but it might be a starfish.
Homer: Okay, I’m not going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I’m probably the last guy in the world who should have kids… Wait, wait. Can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I’d do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file.
Marge: It’s Maggie.
Homer: Oh! Maggie. I’ve got nothing against Maggie.
Rev. Lovejoy: Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They’re all the same.
Bart Sells His Soul
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
Bart: Come on, Milhouse. There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids. Like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Bart: There you go. One soul.
Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Any time, chummmmmmm… p.
Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-breath.
Bart watching Itchy & Scratchy: I know that’s funny, but I’m jsut not laughing.
Lisa: Pablo Neruda said, “Laughter is the language of the soul.”
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
Marge: It almost feels like you’re missing something. Something important.
Bart: Like I didn’t have a soul?
Marge: Oh honey, you’re not a monster.
Kirk van Houten: Milhouse give him back his soul! I’ve got work tomorrow.
Lisa: But you know Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer. Like you did last night.
Lisa the Vegetarian
The boys room is not a water park
Ralph: Ms. Hoover!
Ms. Hoover: Yes, Ralph. What is it?
Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No, Ralph. There aren’t anymore. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy! Sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!
Bart: Cartoons don’t have messages, Lisa. They’re just a bunch of hilarious stuff.
Bart singing: You don’t win friends with salad! You don’t win friends with salad!
Troy McClure: Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun! and Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.
Homer: I’ve got the prescription for you, Doctor. Another hot beef injection!
Mr. Burns: You know Smithers, I think I’ll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage… when pigs fly.
A pig flies past the window
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Eh, no. I’d still prefer not.
Lisa: Wow, a secret staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it’s never come up.
Lisa: Wow! Paul McCartney. I read about you in history class.
Paul McCartney: Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song?
Lisa: Wow! That’d be great.
Paul McCartney: Okay. Take it Apu.
Treehouse of Horror VI
Homer: Ah, the Neon Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there’s not a single church or library to offend the eye. {sees the Lard Lad} There it is! The chain that put the fat in fat Southern sheriffs.
Bart on the Devil’s shoulder: What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna. I agree! Wreck the school.
Homer: He came to life. Good for him.
Homer: Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
Marge: Sometimes.
Ad Man: Advertising is a funny thing. If you stop paying attention to it, pretty soon it goes away.
Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn’t find the beef?
Ad Man: Exactly!
Ad Man: Well it’ll sound a lot better coming out of Paul Anka.
Kent Brockman: Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock our doors, bar your windows. Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
Homer: We’ll be right back.
Mrs. Krabappel: Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets. So don’t knock yourselves out.
Marge: Kids, it’s time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It’s the story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave.
Homer: “Do not touch Willie”. Good advice.
Bart: Wait a minute, if you’re here then you’ve fallen asleep too!
Lisa: I’m not asleep. I’m just resting my eye— Uh oh.
Bart: Goodbye, Bart!
Lisa: Goodbye, Lis. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes.
Homer: Well it’s my house so it’s my spot.
Bart: Nuh unh, ’cause we called it.
Homer: Did not.
Lisa: Well we’re calling it now.
Homer: You are?
Bart: ‘Fraid so.
Homer: Oh! They got me with their legal mumbo jumbo.
Homer: That’s weird. It’s like something out of that twilight-y show about that zone.
Marge: Homer, where are you?
Homer: Uh, I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels you’re probably in the linen closet again.
Homer: Mmmm… unprocessed fish sticks.
Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I’m wasting a fortune just standing here.
Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!
Homer: Oh my god. This is the worst place yet. {walking along} Oo! Erotic cakes.
King-Size Homer
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
Dr. Hibbert: My god, that’s monstrous! I’ve never heard of anything so negligent. I’ll have no part of it.
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor that will?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes.
Dr. Nick Riviera: You’ll want to focus on the neglected food groups. Such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
Marge: Normally your father’s crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon he finds something good on TV. But this season…
Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.
Homer: All this computer hacking is making me thirsty.
Homer: Shame on all of you! Give me my dignity. I just came here to see Honk If You’re Horny in peace.
Theater Manager: Sir. Just quiet down. I’d be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
Mr. Burns: Push out the jive. Bring in the love.
Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking has turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island.
Mother Simpson
Mr. Burns: Smithers. Who was that corpse?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest and bravest men ever to grace Sector 7G. I’ll cross him off the list.
Homer: Oh! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me!
Lisa: This is so weird. It’s like something out of Dickens. Or Melrose Place.
Joe Friday: Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.
Mona Simpson (Glenn Close): Remember, whatever happens you have a mother and she’s truly proud of you.
Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
Sideshow Bob (Kelsey Grammer): My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphilis and pinball combined. Oh how I loathe that box! That omni-directional sludge pump, droning and burping—
Rupert Murdoch: Look here, that’s enough now! I own sixty percent of that network!
Bart: How do you know so much about American history?
Grampa: I pieced it together mostly from sugar packets.
Mayor Quimby: Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?
Sideshow Bob: Well, if it isn’t my arch nemesis Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I’m fairly indifferent.
Colonel Hapablap (R. Lee Ermey): Oh, not the carrier! We’ve got a war tomorrow.
The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular
Troy McClure: Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such FOX Network specials as “Alien Nose Job,” and “Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show.” Tonight we’re here to honor America’s favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.
I will only do this once a year
Troy McClure: And what better place to premiere their creation than on The Tracey Ullman Show, the nation’s showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers.
The Simpsons Trivia:
In the opening credits, what does the cash register say when Maggie is scanned?
The cash register says, NRA4EVER. Just one of the hundreds of radical right wing messages inserted into every show by creator Matt Groening.
Troy McClure: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they’ll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable.
Marge Be Not Proud
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
Announcer: It’s a Krusty Kinda Kristmas. Brought to you by ILG, selling your body’s chemicals after you die. And by Lil’ Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of ILG.
Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
Marge: Those games cost up to and including seventy dollars. And they’re violent and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points. The problem is they don’t result in me getting the game.
Milhouse: This is great, and all I’ve done is enter my name. Thrillhouse! {cut to the screen reading Thrillho}
Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as Designated Drivers: The Life-saving Nerds and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness. I’m here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting. Thereby completely my plea bargain with the good people of Footlocker: Beverly Hills.
Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun!? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing! Did you!? Except at that guy who made sound effects. {Makes sound effects and laughs}. Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze!
Lisa: Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy.
Marge: We’re almost finished. There’s just a little bit of green left.
Team Homer
I am not certified to remove asbestos
I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
Marge: No, I will not pay you five hundred dollars for sex.
Homer: Oh come on, Marge! You’re getting something in return and I’m getting a bowling team. It’s win-win.
Marge: It’s sick! And I don’t have that kind of money to spend on sex.
Bart: Mom! My slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer on the phone: Yeah, Moe. That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth.
Homer to Moe: I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Homer: I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.
Two Bad Neighbors
Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah t-shirt? Khomeni died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi… Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!
Disco Stu about the DISCO STU jacket: Hey, Disco Stu doesn’t advertise.
President Bush: That guy’s louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will ya?
Grampa: When I was a pup we got spanked by presidents ’til the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
Bart: Looks like we’re experiencing some blow back from the wig offensive.
Homer: It’s time to hit him where he lives!
Bart: His house?
Homer: Bingo.
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield
Bart: Let’s go to The Sharper Image. They’ve got a TV shaped like a fifties diner.
Lisa: No. Let’s go to The Nature Company. They’ve got a TV assembled by Hopi Indians.
Marge: We can’t afford to shop at any store that has a philosophy.
Lisa about the Chanel suit: Just buy it. You don’t have to rationalize everything.
Marge: Alright, I will buy it. It’ll be good for the economy.
Evelyn Peters: Attendant, I’d like some gas.
Apu: Yes I’m sorry, I do not speak English. Okay.
Evelyn Peters: But you were just talking—
Apu: Yes. Yes. Hot dog. Yes sir. No sir. Maybe. Okay.
Marge: Homer, I don’t think you should wear a short-sleeved shirt with a tie.
Homer: Oh. But Sipowicz does it.
Marge: If Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff would you do that too?
Homer walking away: Aw, I wish I was Sipowicz.
Marge: Bart, no grifting!
Bart: Aw, raspberries.
Lisa: The rich are different from you and me.
Marge: Yes. They’re better.
Homer: For once maybe someone will call me “Sir.” Without adding, “You’re making a scene.”
Marge: Don’t worry, I saved the receipt. We’ll have a thirty-three hundred dollar credit at Chanel.
Homer: They have beer and gum, right?
Bart the Fink
Krusty’s Cayman Islands Banker: Oh I’m sorry. I can’t divulge information about that customer’s secret illegal account. Oh, crap. I shouldn’t have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn’t have said it was a secret. Oh, crap. I certainly shouldn’t have said it was illegal. Ah, it’s too hot today.
Banker: Turns out Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history. And they nailed him. All thanks to you. Some might say you’re a hero, kid. Not me however. I love Krusty.
Bart: Krusty’s my hero. How could I do this to him?
Lisa: It is a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart you can’t beat yourself up.
Bart: Yeah. There’ll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
Homer: Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
Sea Captain: Yar, I’ve got some customers. Call me back, Ishmael.
Lisa the Iconoclast
Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? Hm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don’t know why. It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
Homer: You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!
Betsy Ross: I got the white stars you wanted. But I couldn’t find any red hearts, yellow moons or green clovers.
George Washington: Well, I’ll use it. But I’m not paying for it.
Homer: I believe you, honey.
Lisa: You do?
Homer: Of course I do. You’re always right about this sort of thing. And for once I want in on the ground floor.
Lisa: Miss Hoover thought I made the whole thing up. She called me a PC thug!
Homer: Well I’ve been called a greasy thug too. And it never stops hurting.
Hollis Hurlbut (Donald Sutherland): This so-called confession is just as phony as the Howard Hughes will, the Hitler Diaries or the Emancipation Retraction.
Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You’re banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children’s children! … For three months.
Moe: Homer, I support most any prejudice you can name, but your herophobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain’t welcome here no more. Barney, show them the exit.
Barney: There’s an exit?
Mayor Quimby: Can’t we have one meeting that doesn’t end with us digging up a corpse?
Lisa: But I’ve caused so much trouble already, General Washington. I can’t go on!
George Washington: We had quitters in the Revolution too. We called them Kentuckians! Well I’ll just have to find another little girl to be president. What’s your friend Janie’s number?
Lisa: No! Not Janey! She’ll pack the Supreme Court with boys!
Principal Skinner: Regardless of who said it, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
Homer the Smithers
Homer: I think Mr. Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
Smithers: Now I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but actually it’s just twenty-eight hundred small jobs.
Burns: Donuts? I told you, I don’t like ethnic food!
Homer: Here are your messages: “You have thirty minutes to move your car.” “You have ten minutes.” “Your car has been impounded.” “Your car has been crushed into a cube.” “You have thirty minutes to move your cube.”
The Day the Violence Died
Bart: Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence I want you to shoot me.
Lisa: Will do.
Comic Book Guy: Are you Hi & Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
Bart: Show some respect. That no-talent created Itchy & Scratchy.
Chester J. Lampwick (Kirk Douglas): He didn’t create Itchy. I did. He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained his thugs kicked me out of his office and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
Lisa: Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement. And Dad’s upstairs.
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It’s one of those campy seventies throwbacks that appeal to Generation Xers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
Lisa: I give up. There’s nothing we can do.
Bart: Yeah. You want to start on getting Apu out of jail?
Lisa: Okay. {they grab the Public Nudity: Codes and Statutes book}
A Fish Called Selma
Lisa: Dad, what’s a muppet?
Homer: Well, it’s not quite a mop, and it’s not quite a puppet, but man… {laughs, then pauses}. So, to answer you question, I don’t know.
Bart: Why did they make that one muppet out of leather?
Marge: That’s not a leather puppet, that’s Troy McClure.
Wiggum: Ow, I’m seeing stars here!
Troy McClure: No, just one. Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hula’ed and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.
Dr. Hibbert: That’s odd. I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.
Legs: Hey. I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
Fat Tony: No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes.
Troy McClure: Hello, Selma Bouvier? It’s Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night’s dinner.
Waiter: Please, don’t smoke in our restaurant. We don’t serve contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs.
Macarthur Parker (Jeff Goldblum): Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Troy McClure: Uh… the movie or the planet?
Troy McClure: “I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-ay to chimpan-zee.”
Selma: Are you gay?
Troy McClure: Gay? I wish! If I were gay there’d be no problem. No, what I have is a romantic abnormality. One so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all costs.
Bart on the Road
Homer: I’m sorry. I guess watching me isn’t any more exciting than being me.
The boys go to see Naked Lunch
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
Homer: You made it! Did you have any trouble getting past the security guards?
Lisa: Security guards?
Lisa: We could have a sleepover.
Homer: Oh, that’d be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It’ll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.
Homer: Hello. I’d like to speak to a Mr. Snotball. First name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is I’ll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
Homer: Hello, Oakridge. This is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a… T-437 Safety Command Console.
Oakridge: Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. I suggest you— {Homer casually pours a soda on it}. Oh my god! Oh god no! Oh this can’t be happening! You’re operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh sweet mother of mercy! I mean, my god!
22 Short Films About Springfield
Bart: Milhouse, you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on them.
Bart: Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to them? I mean there must be thousands of great stories out there.
Apu: Quick! Quick! No time to cook them. They will plump in my stomach!
Hans Moleman: You took four minutes of my life and I want them back! Oh, I’d only waste them anyway.
Dr. Nick: Slow down, sir! You’re going to give yourself skin failure.
Skinner: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Agnus Skinner: No Mother, it’s just the Northern Lights.
Chief Wiggum: Well I can picture the Quarter Pounder with Cheese, but do they have Krusty partially-gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm hm. They call them shakes.
Most folk’ll never eat a skunk but then again some folk’ll, like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in “The Curse of the Flying Hellfish”
Bart: Grampa! I don’t mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.
Grampa Simpson: Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say “dickety” ’cause the Kaiser had stolen our word “twenty.”
Mr. Burns: Well Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you’re in your pressboard coffin I’ll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa Simpson: Over my dead body it will!
Mr. Burns: That’s exactly the point.
Bart: Hey Mr. Burns, can I go with you to get the treasure? I won’t eat much and I don’t know the difference between right and wrong.
Much Apu About Nothing
Kent Brockman: A large bear-like animal—most likely a bear—has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment.
Homer: I’m sick of these constant bear attacks. It’s like a freakin’ Country Bear Jamboroo around here.
Unruly Mob: We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want anymore bears!
Aide: Sir, there’s an unruly mob to see you.
Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Aide: Ah, yes it does.
Skinner: I phoned ahead!
Apu: I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.
Wiggum: Okay, men, here’s the order of deportations. First we’ll be rounding up your tired. Then your poor. Then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Lou: Breathers. Got it.
Tester: Alright, here’s your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists, economic factors both domestic and international played a significant—
Tester: Just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.
Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office?
Tester: What?
Apu: I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.
Homerpalooza
Marge reading out loud: Dear Parents, Due to yesterday’s unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. By reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the universe.
Homer: Now when I listen to a rally good song, I start nodding my head, like I’m saying “yes” to every beat. “Yes, yes, yes! This rocks!” And then sometimes I switch it up like, “no no no! Don’t stop the rocking!”
Bart: Dad please! You’re embarrassing us.
Homer: No I’m not.
Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was. Now, what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you!
Marge: So you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
Homer: I don’t think I have a choice, Marge.
Marge: Of course you have a choice.
Homer: How do you figure?
Marge: You don’t have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
Homer: You know Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.
Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Manager: Homer, nothing’s more important than the health and welfare of my freaks. I’m sending you to a vet.
Tech guy: Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra… possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I’m looking in your general direction.
Cypress Hill: Yo, did we order an orchestra?
Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: “It’s hip to be square.”
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it’s… cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I’m glad. And that’s what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we’ve tried everything here.
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you’re truly cool, you don’t need to be told you’re cool.
Bart: Well, sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?
Summer of 4 ft. 2
Yearbook Office: Immortalizing Your Awkward Phase
Student: The leatherolian covers were worth the extra money. You call smell the benzene!
Daisy: Oh, when the kids see these layouts and fonts you’re going to be the most popular girl in school!
Lisa: You know something, Daisy? I think you’re right.
Lisa: I don’t get. Straight As, perfect attendance, bathroom timer. I should be the most popular girl in school.
Ned: Homer, I’m in a rhubarb of a pickle of a jam here.
Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Friends? Ha! These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal. And even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
Homer: Somebody’s traveling light.
Lisa: Eh. Maybe you’re getting stronger.
Homer: Well. I have been eating more.
Welcome to Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport
Lisa: I don’t see any kids at all. It’s like they ditched me in advance.
Erin (Christina Ricci): You like hanging out too?
Lisa: Well it beats doing stuff.
Erin: Yeah. Stuff sucks.
Homer trying to casually buy illegal fireworks: Let me have one of those porno magazines… large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper… a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas… Nah, make it two.
Later…
Marge seeing Homer’s purchases: Gee. I don’t know what you’ve got planned for tonight, Homer, but count me out. Didn’t you buy any meat?
Homer: Heh heh. This baby’s sure to kill something.
Li’l Valu-Mart Worker: Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
Lisa: Being myself didn’t work. Being someone else didn’t work. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to have friends.
Lisa: Does this mean you still want to be friends, even though I tried to cover up my nerdish… leanings?