Season 3

Stark Raving Dad

I am not a dentist

Homer: Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different.

Mr. Burns: Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpson family!

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson
I had a cat named Snowball. She died! She died!
Mom said she was sleeping. She lied! She lied!
Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn’t that Chrysler hit me instead?
I had a hamster named Snuffy. He died—
Homer: No deal.

Orderly: Put him in with the big white guy who thinks he’s the little black guy.

Michael Jackson: Hi, I’m Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I’m Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

Michael Jackson: I’m with your father in a mental institution.
Bart: Uh huh. And is Elvis with you?
Michael Jackson: He could be. It’s a big hospital.

Michael Jackson: Homer, I’m a vegetarian and I don’t drink.
Homer: Are you sure you’re here voluntarily?

Lisa, it’s your birthday. God bless you this day.
You gave me the gift of a little sister, and I’m proud of you today.

Lisa, it’s your birthday. Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it’s your birthday. Happy birthday, Lisa.

I wish you love and good will. I wish you peace and joy.
I wish you better than your heart desires, and your first kiss from a boy.

Lisa, it’s your birthday. Happy birthday, Lisa.
Lisa, it’s your birthday. Happy birthday, Lisa.

Lisa: You’re a credit to dementia!

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Spitwads are not free speech

Homer: Every time you get a million dollars something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don’t think real checks have exclamation points.
Marge: Well at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Homer: Marge, I’ve never read a magazine in my life and I’m not going to start now.

Homer: Oh Marge, cartoons don’t have any deep meaning. They’re just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

Minnesota Contestant: “Recipe for a Free Country. Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power. Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances.”

Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis.

Congressman Bob Arnold: This isn’t like burying toxic waste. People are going to notice those trees are gone.

Lisa: “I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor laws.” Amen, sister.

Trong Van-Dinh: Where else but in American—or possibly Canada—could our family find such opportunity. That’s why, whenever I see the Stars & Stripes, I’ll always be reminded of that wonderful word: flag.

When Flanders Failed

Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

Homer: Look, I don’t care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He’s a jerk! End of story.

Ned Flanders: Well sir, I’m opening up a one-stop store for southpaws. Everything from left-handed apple peelers to left-handed scissors. I’m gonna call it The Leftorium.

Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?
Homer: No. I do not know what schadenfreude is. Please tell me because I’m dying to know.
Lisa: It’s a German term for “shameful joy.” Taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh come on, Lisa. I’m just glad to see him fall flat on his butt. He’s usually all happy and comfortable and surrounded by loved ones and it makes me feel— What’s the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa: Sour grapes.
Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything.

Marge: Bart, don’t use the touch of death on your sister.

Bart the Murderer

High explosives and school don’t mix

Troy McClure: I’m Troy McClure. You probably remember me from such films as The Revenge of Abe Lincoln and The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West.

Fat Tony (Joe Mantegna) watching Itchy & Scratchy: It’s funny because it’s true.

Bart: Gimme three fingers of milk, ma.

Lisa: Bart, is your boss a crook?
Bart: I don’t think so. Although it would explain a lot.

Mr. Burns: Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.

Homer: You know who the real crooks are, those sleazy Hollywood producers.

Homer Defined

I will not squeak chalk

Homer: Here’s good news. According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate.
Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of high-brass factoids and Larry King.
Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that’s not afraid to tell the truth. That everything is just fine.

Kent Brockman: Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. It’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Lisa and Bart are watching Itchy & Scratchy
Lisa: Bart, you’re not laughing. Too subtle?
Bart: No, I’m just depressed. Milhouse’s mom won’t let me play with him anymore.

Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
Homer: It’s so bitter it’s like acid in my mouth.
Marge: Mm. It’s actually more of a honey glaze.
Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove.

Like Father, Like Clown

I will finish what I sta_

Lisa: Krusty must be Jewish.
Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get outta here!
Lisa: Dad. There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks.
Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Lisa: Poor Krusty. He’s like black velvet painting come to life.

Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, what can I do for you my young friends?
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! {he slams the door}
Bart: Oh great. We came all this way and it’s the wrong guy.
Rabbi Krustofski from behind the door: I didn’t mean that literally! {he slams the door}

Waitress: And for you sir?
Rabbi Krustofski (Jackie Mason): Oh, let’s see. I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop, eh, too fatty. The Jackie Mason, I don’t know. Sauerkraut makes me gassy. The Bruce Willis? I don’t even like his work.

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It’s a long shot. But that’s all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. {he stares at her} Bart I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew!
Bart: Rabbi, did not a great man say—and I quote, “The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I’ve heard of persecution but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.” End quote.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Maimonides.
Bart: No.
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I got it. The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I’m afraid not, Rabbi. It’s from Yes I Can by Sammy Davis, Jr. An entertainer. Like your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: The Candy Man?

Treehouse of Horror II

Marge: Hello, everyone. Before last year’s Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this year’s episode is even worse. It’s scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language too. So please, tuck in your children and— Well, if you didn’t listen to me last time, you’re not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
Lisa: Dad, that’s Monaco.
Homer: D’oh!

Marge: Homer, there’s something I don’t like about that severed hand.

Kid about the Bart t-shirt: $18 for this? What a rip off!

Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa that was very selfish of you!

England: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
Argentina: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.

Kodos: People of Earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!

Kang: Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!

Mrs. Krabappel: Well class, the history of our country has been changed again. To correspond with Bart’s answers on yesterday’s test. America was now discovered in 1942 by… “Some Guy.” And our country isn’t called America anymore. It’s “Boner Land.”

Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop scaring Smithers!

Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery.

Lisa’s Pony

“Bart Bucks” are not legal tender

Homer: Oh! Me and my trenchant mouth!

Homer: Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa and make a fresh start with Maggie.

Marge: We can’t afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today’s gasoline prices we can’t afford not to buy a pony.

Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn’t that cute, Smithers! He’s planning on joining the horsey set.

Marge: Then I’m afraid there’s no choice but to give up the pony.
Homer: First you didn’t want me to get the pony! Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind.

Apu: I won’t lie to you. In this job you will be shot at.

Lisa: All the years I’ve wanted to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

Stable Owner: Although there is no change in my patrician facade, I can assure you my heart is breaking.

Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still. There goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever head.

Saturdays of Thunder

I will not fake rabies

Troy McClure: Quoth the raven, what a shine!

Milhouse: Hey Bart, I think they’re finally hauling your dad away.
Bart: Maybe it’s for the best.

Homer’s Brain: Don’t you get it? You gotta use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer’s Brain: Okay, don’t use reverse psychology.
Homer: Alright, I will!

Homer about Bart: He reminds me of me. Before the weight of the world crushed my spirits.

Martin: Bart, will you drive my car?
Bart: Woah, I don’t know if I should do that. My dad and I built our car together and if I drove someone else’s it’d kill him. On the other hand, I’ll do it.

Flaming Moe’s

Underwear should be worn on the inside

Kent Brockman: Tonight we salute the silver anniversary of the Springfield Tire Yard Fire. Twenty-five years and still burning strong.

Moe: Woah. Homer! It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody.
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher’s lounge. You can have what’s left at the end of the day.

Moe: Flaming Moe’s.
Bart: Ah yes, I’m looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. {yelling} Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men’s room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh Jass: I’m Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who is this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: What can I do for you?
Bart: Look, I’ll level with you mister, this is
a prank call that sorta backfired and I’d like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: Alright. Better luck next time. {he hangs up} What a nice young man.

Professor Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gaschromatograph the secret ingredient is… love?!? Who’s been screwing this thing?

Lionel Hutz: I’m sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can’t copyright a drink. This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of ’78. How about that? I looked something up!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk

The Christmas pageant does not stink

Stockbroker: Homer, it’s your stockbroker. Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time in ten years.
Homer: I own stock?
Stockbroker: Yes. All the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain Constitutional rights.

Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
Lisa: Well, it’s a country in Europe.
Homer: Good, good. I’m learning.
Lisa: One of the economic powers of the world.
Homer: Because we send them money?

Overhead: Attention workers. We have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. That is all.

Burns: Good heavens, Smithers. They’re not afraid of me anymore.

Burns: What good is money if you can’t inspire terror in your fellow man. I’ve got to get my plant back!

German: Gott in Himmel. Who’d have thought a nuclear plant could be such a death trap.

I Married Marge

I will not torment the emotionally frail

Bart: Were you like this when mom was pregnant with me?
Homer: Actually, Bart, I threw up more than your mother.

Lisa: It’s not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.

Marge: Homer, do you ever think about the future?
Homer: You mean like will apes be our masters?

Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
Marge: Actually she was singing about God.
Homer: Oh. Well he’s always happy. No wait, he’s always mad.

Marge: Homer, I’d be lying if I said that this is how I pictured my wedding day, but you are how I pictured my husband.
Homer: I am?
Marge: Well you may not look like Ted Bessell, but you’re just as nice.

Homer: When you come out of there, the first thing you’re gonna see is a man with a good job.
Patty: Yeah, a doctor.

Homer: Starting tomorrow I’m a nuclear technician!
Dr. Hibbert: Good God.
Homer: And tomorrow morning I’m going to buy your ring back. Then I’m going house hunting!
Marge: Doesn’t your job start tomorrow?
Homer: Eh, somebody’ll cover for me.

Radio Bart

I will not carve gods

Homer: You know, Marge. Bart’s really going to like my birthday present this year. It won’t be like those shoe trees I got him last year. Or the shelf paper I bought him for Christmas. I’ll buy his love yet.

Homer looking at the label: Aw. There’s only one can of beer left and it’s Bart’s.

Marge: Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from your bounty, we ask you to watch over little Timmy O’Toole trapped in that well.

Bart: The police? They couldn’t catch a cold.
Lisa: Maybe not, but I bet you were stupid enough to have left a Property of Bart Simpson label on that radio.

Homer: Don’t worry, son, just because you’re trapped in a hole doesn’t mean you can’t lead a rich and fulfilling life.

Lisa the Greek

Lisa: Goodnight Dad. I had a really nice time today.
Homer: Me too, honey.
Lisa: Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
Homer: Sure! You’ll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.

Homer: So who do you like in the afternoon game?
Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they’re pure of heart. Seattle because they got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat.

Lisa checking the card catalog: Let’s see. Football… Football… “Homoeroticism in”… “Oddball Canadian rules”… “Phyllis George and”…

Homer: So… do you think the Redskins will beat the spread?
Lisa: Put me down. Look, Dad. I’ll tell you who’s going to win the Superbowl if you want me to, but it’ll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me.
Homer: Okay.
Lisa: I pick Washington as a mortal lock.
Homer: Washington! Woo hoo!
Lisa: However.
Homer: However? What do you mean, “however”? “However” what?
Lisa: However. I may also be so clouded with rage that subconsciously I want you to lose. In which case, I bet the farm on Buffalo.
Homer: Lisa, do me a favor. Complete this sentence: “Daddy should bet all his money on—”
Lisa: I don’t know. If I still love you, Washington. If I don’t, Buffalo.

Lisa: Bart, who’s winning?
Bart: “You hate Dad” is up by a touchdown.

Bart: I guess you love Dad.
Lisa: I suspected as much.

Moe: What are you so happy about, Homer? You didn’t win any money.
Homer: Money comes and money goes, but what I have in my daughter can go on for eight more years.

Homer Alone

I will not spank others

Kent Brockman: An overworked and underpaid housewife has snapped and parked herself on the bridge, refusing to budge.

Maggie grabs onto the doorframe and refuses to go with Patty and Selma
Lisa: Wish I’d thought of that.

Homer: For your information I can take care of my— {Maggie falls} See? Got her on the first bounce.

Troy McClure: I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such film as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die and Gladys, the Groovy Mule. But today you’ll see me in my greatest role: your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo.

Marge: Hello, room service? This is Marge Simpson. I’d like a hot fudge sundae. With whipped cream. And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Bart the Lover

Marge: I think he needs a dog house.
Homer: Yeah, but what’re you going to do.
Marge: I bet we could buy a nice dog house for fifty dollars.
Homer: Marge, you’re a tool of the dog house makers.

Ned to Todd: That’s it young man, no Bible stories for you tonight.
Maude: Weren’t you a little hard on him?
Ned: Well you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Woodrow: Dear Edna, Your photo took my breath away. Truly yours is a butt that won’t quit.

Bart: What about Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: I’m not even gonna tell you what that guy’s into. Bart you are the closest thing to a man in my life. And that’s so depressing I think I’m going to cry.

Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. {writing} “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You.”
Marge: We’ll all help.

Homer: Three simple words: “I am gay.”
Marge: Homer, for the last time. I’m not putting that in.

Lisa: “And anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna.”
Marge: Oo! That’s very good, Lisa.
Homer: “P.S. I am gay.”

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, it’s such a nice day today let’s have detention outside.
Bart: It’s a date!

Homer at the Bat

I will not aim for the head

Carl: Okay, Homer. Bases loaded and you’re up. Where’s that secret weapon?
Homer: Check it out, boys. My magic bat.
Carl: That’s it?
Lenny: Yeah.
I’ve got a magic bat too.
Carl: And I’ve got an enchanted jock strap.

Jose Canseco: I get fifty thousand dollars to play one game?
Smithers: That’s right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose Canseco: Well, it’s a pay cut. But what the hey.

Smithers: How do you like working for the Dodgers?
Mike Scioscia: Well it’s okay. But sometimes I wish I had something a little more blue collar. You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff. Like an oil refinery. Or a hydro-electric plant.
Smithers: We should talk.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You’re the one that told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it.
Homer: Well now that you’re a little bit older I can tell you that’s a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can’t win, don’t try.

Mr. Burns: Mattingly! Get rid of those sideburns!
Don Mattingly: What sideburns?
Mr. Burns: Hippie.

Mr. Burns: Now, before I post the starting line-up I want to ensure those of you who are not on the list that I’m very disappointed in you. Something was lacking. Let’s call it heart.
Daryl Strawberry: No hustle either, Skip.
Mr. Burns: That’s right, Daryl.

Marge: Homey, you’re good at lots of things.
Homer: Like what?
Marge: Like snuggling.
Homer: Yeah. But none of my friends can watch me.

Barney: And I say England’s greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.

Mattingly about Burns: I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Well Mr. Burns had done it, the power plant had won it,
With Roger Clemens clucking all the while
Mike Sciosia’s tragic illness made us smile
While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile
We’re talking softball—from Maine to San Diego
We’re talking softball—Ken Mattingly and Canseco
Ken Griffey’s grotesquely swollen jaw
Steve Sachs and his run-in with the law
We’re talking Homer… Ozzy and The Straw

Separate Vocations

I will not barf unless I’m sick

Miss Hoover: You’re going to take a test. It’s called Career Aptitude Normalizing Test. Or “CANT”.

Miss Hoover: Question 60: “I prefer the smell of a) gasoline, b) french fries, or c) bank customers.”

Marge: You know your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No. The Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

Milhouse: Sure we have order, but at what price!

Skinner: Bart, I’m not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Lisa: Bart. Why’d you take the blame?
Bart: Because I didn’t want you to wreck your life. You’ve got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do I’ll be right there to borrow money.

Dog of Death

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge

Skinner: …and a state-of-the-art detention hall. Where children are held in place by magnets.
Teacher: Magnets. Always with the magnets.

Marge: Oh well. We lost the money but at least we’ve still got each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog’s dead.

Mr. Burns: Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers, if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?

Butler: Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.
Kent Brockman: Good!

Colonel Homer

I will not conduct my own fire drills

Bart: If you don’t watch the violence you’ll never get desensitized to it.
Lisa: Just tell me when the scary part’s over.
Bart: It’s over. {it’s not}

Marge: Oh shut up, Homer! no one wants to hear what you think!

Homer: Marge, I have always carried myself with a certain quiet dignity. Tonight you robbed me of it.

Redneck: Hey you! Let’s fight.
Redneck: Them’s fightin’ words.

Homer: Lurlene, I can’t get your song out of my mind. I haven’t felt this way since Funkytown!
Lurlene Lumpkin (Beverly D’Angelo): Well aren’t you sweet.

Lurlene: I want you to be my manager.
Homer: Really? Well I should warn you, I’m not great with figures.
Lurlene: That’s okay.
Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
Lurlene: That’s okay.
Homer: I did bad in school.
Lurlene: I didn’t even go.
Homer: My personal hygiene has been described as—
Lurlene: Homer. Homer, you’ll be a great manager.

Lurlene: Don’t lie to me. Are you ahving an affair with this woman?
Homer: No!
Lurlene: Have you kissed her?
Homer: No!
Lurlene: Has she kissed you?
Homer: A couple of times.

Marge: I thought you said she was overweight.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Lurlene: Oh Homer! You’re as smart as you are handsome.
Homer: Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

Black Widower

Funny noises are not funny

Sideshow Bob: Ah Mr. Simpson. You’re forgetting the two noble truths of the Buddha.
Homer: I am not.

Sideshow Bob: Dear Selma, Your latest letter sent off a riot in the maximum security wing of my heart

Now, about your wedding dress. I’m not sure how to out this…
White.

Selma: That MacGuyver’s a genius.
Sideshow Bob: First of all, he’s not a genius. He’s an actor. And second, he’s not much of an actor.

Sideshow Bob: Well time for my walk. Don’t forget to die.

Selma: You tried to kill me. I want a separation.

Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they do I’ll be back on the streets. With all my buddies!

The Otto Show