Fallen
O’Neill: We’re not talking about a common cold here, Carter. It was the plague.
Villager seeing Teal’c: He is Jaffa.
O’Neill: No, but he plays one on TV.
They are travellers, like us. They say that they are friends.
Shamda: No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust them.
O’Neill: Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Shamda: Enemies’ promises were made to be broken.
O’Neill: And yet honesty is the best policy.
Shamda: He that has too many friends has none.
O’Neill: Ah, but… birds of a feather.
Shamda: I’m unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach?
O’Neill: It has to do flocking and… togetherness.
Teal’c: Do you not recognize us, Daniel Jackson?
Jackson: I’m sorry. {he walks off}
O’Neill: Not even me?
Jackson: Please leave me alone.
O’Neill: I’m Jack O’Neill. And, barring some freakish similarity, you are Dr. Daniel Jackson.
Jackson: I’m dead?
O’Neill: Obviously not. You just sort of died. Actually you ascended to a higher plane of existence. Last time I saw you you were helping us fight Anubis.
Jackson: Anubis?
O’Neill: Yeah. Kind of a over-the-top cliche bad guy. Black cloak, oily skin. Kind of spooky.
O’Neill: Very good story. Wonderful. Full of nuances. I like that.
Hammond: You have no memory of who I am?
Jackson: None whatsoever.
O’Neill: Neither do I, sir.
O’Neill: So the Lost City is still lost?
Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you’re searching now is not it.
O’Neill: Then where is “it”?
Jackson: Did I just say “all I know.”?
O’Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.
Carter: Our goal is to take out Anubis’ new super weapon. It’s what gives him a clear advantage over the rest of the Goa’uld mother ships. Now, we’ve received word from Teal’c that Yu has pledged to bring the full force of the remaining System Lords’ fleet down on Anubis once we’ve succeeded.
O’Neill: Okay. Everyone who thinks this is absolutely an insane idea, raise your hand. Come on, be honest.
Everyone, including Carter, eventually raise their hand.
O’Neill: All I’m saying—just for the record—this is the wackiest plan we’ve ever come up with.
Carter: Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of an X-303?
O’Neill: Oh yeah.
Carter: Wackier than blowing up a sun?
O’Neill walking out of the room: Yep!
Carter: He’s probably right.
Jackson: Congratulations, I think you guys hit the mark.
O’Neill: Thanks. It was fun.
Homecoming
O’Neill: What’s your situation?
Jackson: I’m hiding. What’s yours?
O’Neill: So, business as usual then, huh?
Jackson: I don’t know. Is it?
O’Neill: Yes. We do this kind of thing all the time.
Jackson: Oh. Well, good. That’s comforting.
O’Neill: I thought you were outmanned and outgunned.
Commander Hale: We used the naquadria bomb.
O’Neill: On people?
Ambassador Noor: You don’t look very alien.
O’Neill: We get that a lot.
Herak: As for the rest of you, you will be publicly executed as an example to all those who would defy their god!
O’Neill: Does it have to be public?
Herak: I could kill you now.
O’Neill: Public is fine.
Fragile Balance
Carter: Do you know how much trouble you’re in right now? Impersonating a military officer is a federal offense.
Young O’Neill (Michael Welch): I am not impersonating anyone. I am Jack O’Neill.
Teal’c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment O’Neill?
Young O’Neill: Hey, come on, that salsa’s still good.
Young O’Neill: Hey! I realize it doesn’t actually say “colonel” anywhere on my uniform, but it should.
Harlan Beck: Tell him Harley said to watch his six.
Young O’Neill: Hey, yeah, speaking of six.
Jackson: Okay, well… there’s no easy way to tell you this so… Sam’s just gonna come right out and say it.
Sam gives him a look.
Carter: Well, sir… as you know, the Asgard depend on a cloning technology…
Young O’Neill: Oh, for cryin’ out loud.
Teal’c: You have been cloned, O’Neill.
Young O’Neill: Wow. You know I’m really much taller than I think.
O’Neill: Carter?
Carter: Colonel O’Neill, meet… Colonel O’Neill
O’Neill: I just woke up, haven’t had coffee— let alone a pee in seven days—and I find out you stole my ass and made a… Mini-Me. Carter, I should be irked currently, yes?
Loki: I was stripped of my stature after I was caught performing unsanctioned experiments on humans.
O’Neill: What, you’ve got sanctioned ones?
Loki: Your bodies are similar to our original form thousands of years ago. Using your physical makeup as a template, I had hoped to find a way to construct a clone that could contain our massively superior intellect. My research was unsuccessful.
Young O’Neill: So much for massively superior intellect.
O’Neill: I was gonna say that.
O’Neill: You sure about this? I mean it’s high school. {Young O’Neill turns to the group of girls behind him} Yes. Go forth, young man.
Orpheus
Jackson: What’s with the, ah… ?
Teal’c: O’Neill. I believe his offer of the colored gelatins is an attempt to sympathise.
Jackson: Well he’s thoughtful that way.
O’Neill: Fraiser says Teal’c needs a little pep talk. I’ve been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour.
Jackson: Is it peppy enough?
O’Neill: Not really.
Teal’c: Forgive me, O’Neill.
O’Neill: No. There’s nothing to forgive. You’re still twice as strong as I’ll ever be and you’ve got two good knees.
Teal’c: Then the answer to your question is no. I do not feel I am fit for active duty.
O’Neill: Okay. I can accept that. For now.
Teal’c: As I lay near death, I began to dream. You used your abilities to appear to me in that dream.
O’Neill: I did?
Teal’c: Indeed. When I had sufficiently recovered, you appeared to me again. And that is when I knew.. you had stayed with me and watched over me for three days. And that is the reason I am eternally grateful to you, Daniel Jackson. And why I wholeheartedly believe you concerning Ryac.
Teal’c: If I die, it is my wish that you should watch over Ryac.
O’Neill: Well let’s see it doesn’t come to that.
Teal’c: Colonel O’Neill has officially informed me that I have my mojo back.
Revisions
Nevin: You have strange clothes.
O’Neill: You caught us on a bad day.
O’Neill: I assume you don’t get many visitors in these parts.
Kendrick: I thought we were the only survivors.
Jackson: Survivors of what exactly?
Kendrick: You better speak to the council.
Kendrick: I realize that Nevin deserves a chance for much more than this world could ever offer.
Teal’c: Are you certain? This is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Kendrick: I want my son to grow up in a world where the sky and the clouds aren’t part of an illusion created by a computer.
O’Neill: Well that’s good enough for me.
O’Neill: The MALP is no longer parked where we parked it.
Nevin: Father, is Colonel O’Neill sick?
Kendrick: He is. But we’re going to make him better.
Lifeboat
Dr. Fraiser: How are you feeling, sir?
O’Neill: Headache. Bad.
Dr. Fraiser: I can take care of that. But first I need to know if you’re feeling… yourself.
Well other than this nail through my head, I’m fine.
Enemy Mine
O’Neill: If we go back to this planet, you’re not coming with us, are you?
Jackson: It’s doubtful.
O’Neill: That’s too bad. I was kinda hoping you’d take command of the mission Colonel Edwards has no experience dealing with the Unas.
Jackson: Nor you.
Edwards: O’Neill was right about you. You are a pain in the ass. But well worth it.
Space Race
Warrick: Major Carter. If you are to be my co-pilot, you’ll need to know how the ship works.
Carter: What is this?
Warrick: A complete operations manual of the Seberus.
I had it translated for you.
Carter: Thank you.
O’Neill: That’s not our language.
Carter: It’s mine. Sir.
O’Neill: Right!
O’Neill: How many times have I told you? Don’t get caught by the bad guys.
Avenger 2.0
Felger: Colonel O’Neill!
O’Neill: Folger.
Felger: Felger.
Birthright
Evolution : Part One
O’Neill: Reynolds, I want flanking positions set up on either side of the clearing. Ring the perimeter with C4 and claymores.
Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
O’Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?
Reynolds: Right.
Bra’tak: Soon we will be surrounded. If we fight, many more will die.
O’Neill: What do you want to do?
Bra’tak: Surrender.
O’Neill: There’s this guy out there. Big guy. Big guy in a black suit. None too fond of you Goa’ulds. {silence} Well anyway, he’s the one we’re after, not you. So if you let us go we’ll be on our way. To save the world another— You’re not buying this, are you?
Evolution : Part Two
Hammond: A CIA operative in Honduras—Agent Burke—believes he knows where Dr. Jackson and Dr. Lee were taken.
O’Neill: Burke?
Hammond: You know him?
O’Neill: Yes. I do.
Hammond: Anything I should know about him? He’s the only agent down there.
O’Neill: We’re stuck with him regardless, right? {Hammond nods} Nothing you should know about.
O’Neill: I’m going after Daniel.
Carter: Good.
O’Neill: This other mission—
Carter: Shouldn’t be a problem, sir. When do you leave?
O’Neill: Now.
Carter: Good luck.
O’Neill: You too.
Burke (Enrico Colantoni): You don’t look very happy to see me. I’d have given anything to have seen your face when you heard my name. Hey. It’s okay, man. It’s okay.
O’Neill: It’s not okay. I’ve got forty-eight hours to find my friend before he’s killed. Just tell me what you know.
Burke: Okay. All business all the time. I can dig that station.
Burke: How do you like that? The let us fight Cuba from their shores. We get our asses kicked and Cuba gives them the guns. You know we could get shot at by an AK-47 that was fired at the Bay of Pigs attack. {he laughs}
O’Neill: You’ve been down here too long, Burke.
O’Neill: You’re not so gone you don’t understand the need for a clear chain of command, are you?
Burke: You wanna know how gone I am? {he gets up and leaves}
Burke: Okay, my name is Burke and I’ll be your guide. Today we’ll be looking at indigenous vegetation of Central America. Watch your step, ladies. We’re not in Minnesota.
O’Neill: Easy.
Rogelio: Save your friends. {O’Neill and Burke stare at him}. Please. They owe me lots of money.
O’Neill and Burke: Uh huh.
Rogelio: I love American gum. Good guys.
Burke: What’s with the guy from Evil Dead?
O’Neill: Um…
Burke: Classified?
O’Neill: Yeah.
Burke tickled: You guys are into some crazy crap, man!
Burke: Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?
Jackson: Yeah. It’s okay, it’s off now.
O’Neill: Good. That’s good.
Lee: At least we think it’s off. It’s not glowing anymore, so…
Jackson: The glowing thing really gives it away. So if it’s not glowing anymore it shouldn’t be on anymore.
Lee: Do you wanna hold it?
Jackson: No. Nope.
O’Neill: Hey. So nice command.
Carter: We did manage to make it out alive, sir.
O’Neill: There is that. Lunch?
Grace
Teal’c: You’re like a brother to me.
O’Neill: You’re like, what, a hundred and forty?
Teal’c: A younger brother perhaps.
O’Neill: Maybe it’s not me that’s the problem. Let’s face it, I’m not that complex.
Fallout
Jackson: This is diplomacy, Jack. This is the way the game is played. It takes patience.
O’Neill: Yeah? Well I’m fresh out.
Teal’c: As am I.
O’Neill: I think you’re on your own.
O’Neill: How’s the whole diplomacy thing working out for ya?
Jackson: It’s not.
Chimera
O’Neill: And how are we supposed to know when you know if it’s all happening in your head when you’re sleeping?
Jackson: I don’t know.
O’Neill: Teal’c’s picking out his donuts. He loves a good stakeout.
Death Knell
Heroes : Part One
Bregman: Is that Colonel O’Neill? {he catches up with him}
O’Neill: I like vanilla over chocolate. My favorite color is peridot. I think Tibet should be free and if I could have dinner with anyone in the world it would be Mary Steenburgen.
Bregman: No, if I could— Mary Steenburgen?
Bregman: Colonel, what is this off-world activation something?
O’Neill: I won’t know until I get there.
Bregman: That’s great. We’re going. Where’s there?
O’Neill: There is here, for you.
Bregman: You know I’m going to get you on camera sooner or later. Even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.
O’Neill: Fire away. I hope shots of my ass serve you well.
Jackson: It was all because I wanted an aerial survey.
Carter: It took me too long to figure out the probe sent a transmission.
O’Neill: None of that matters now.
Heroes : Part Two
Resurrection
Inauguration
Lost City : Part One
Carter: The fate of the world is hanging in the balance and you’ve been sitting in your truck finishing this?
O’Neill: I believe it was double or nothing.
Carter: Okay. 23 across. “The Atomic weight of boron.” The answer is ten.
O’Neill: Yes?
Carter: You wrote the word “fat.”
O’Neill: Your point?
Hammond: What happened?
Reynolds: It didn’t quite go according to plan, sir.
Jackson: We have to get him to the infirmary.
O’Neill: I did it again.
O’Neill: Carter, you’re one of this country’s natural resources—if not national treasures. It couldn’t have gone down any other way.
O’Neill: You are so wrong. It’s the perfect analogy. Burns as Goa’uld.
Teal’c: They are merely animated characters, O’Neill.
O’Neill: You are so shallow.
Jackson: Oh please. Teal’c is one of the deepest people I know.
O’Neill: Hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for… food.
O’Neill: Three days from now is a Thursday. Thursday’s not good for us.
Carter: Why now?
Teal’c: Anubis believes that we know the location of the Lost City.
Carter: We don’t.
Not yet.
Weir: I’m Doctor Elizabeth Weir, Colonel.
Kinsey: You can just call her your one hope of ever stepping through the Stargate again.
O’Neill: Bit of a mouthful.
O’Neill: I come up with the Lost City, we go find it. Yes or no?
Kinsey: No!
Weir: I will consider it.
Weir: Colonel O’Neill—
Kinsey: Is the one who got us into this mess in the first place. I want him gone. I want them all gone. You haven’t figured that out yet?
Weir: Oh I’ve figured out quite a bit.
Kinsey: Well hallelujah for that.
Weir: This is my office. This is my chair. Until someone tells me otherwise I’m going to make decisions as I see fit, not as they fit in to your agenda.
Kinsey: You have no idea what my agenda is.
Weir: Whatever your agenda is.
Kinsey: You don’t know anything, Doctor. And if you think you do, you’re not as smart as I thought.
Lost City : Part Two
Jackson: Proclarush Teonas. I think you wrote the planet where we’ll find the Lost City in the crossword.
O’Neill: Bit of a jump.
Jackson: Why else would you do that?
Carter about Jack’s crossword puzzle: The clue for seven down is “celestial body.” And he wrote “Uma Thurman.”
Weir: Got everything you need? I think there’s still a sink in the kitchen.
O’Neill: Is that a joke?
Weir: Perhaps. A bad one.
O’Neill: Yes. Very bad. But I sense hope for you.
Carter: Sir. I think you should know that General Hammond authorized me to take command of the team if I—
O’Neill: Do it now.
Carter: Sir, I don’t think that’s necessary.
O’Neill: I trust you. I’ll make it easy for you. I resign. You’re in charge.
O’Neill: Teonas.
Carter: Sir?
O’Neill: What?
Jackson: You looked at the screen and said, “Teonas”.
O’Neill: If you say so.
Jackson: You say so.
Jackson: The city we’re looking for is under the ice of Antarctica?
Carter: It’s been on Earth the whole time?
Jackson: Jack, we were just there.
Carter: So we came all this way just to find out we have to go back?
O’Neill: No.