The Avengers
Seth: A table set for four actually feels kind of weird.
Sandy: Well things have been a little weird around here lately. Tonight might not be any different. We shouldn’t be expecting any miracles.
Seth: No zippy one-liners.
Kirsten: Not a lot of smiles.
Sandy: Few grunts. Occasional shrug.
Seth: Yeah, it’ll be just like old times.
Sandy: And I’m looking forward to it.
Sandy: Ryan, it’s Sandy again. The microwave still works if you feel like dropping by. And even if you don’t, please call, huh? Let us know you’re okay.
Kirsten: Should we call the police? Hospitals?
Seth: No, mom, He’s fine. Well he’s not, you know, fine, but he’s not coming.
Kirsten: Well even if he didn’t want to come, Ryan would have called. Ryan always calls.
Sandy to Ryan about the slideshow: You don’t have to talk. You don’t even have to listen.
Kirsten: All you have to do is watch.
The Gringos
Sandy: Hm.
Kirsten: That’s exactly what I said.
Sandy: And there was nothing else?
Kirsten: Nothing.
Sandy: Angry. Nudfo. Chocolate Love. Nude-fo? Nudfo? Is that a word?
Kirsten: Not that I know of.
Sandy: When did you find this?
Kirsten: Just now. When I went to see if the boys had anything to give for the clothing drive.
Sandy: You try calling them?
Kirsten: No answer.
Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. It’s probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it’s me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.
Sandy: Where are you?
Seth: Don’t freak out.
Kirsten: Please say Newport.
Seth: We’re in Mexico.
Kirsten: He didn’t say Newport, did he?
Julie: Something wrong?
Kirsten: The boys went to Mexico without asking us. I’m sure they’re fine, but—
Julie: Wait, Seth went to? I mean, he just doesn’t seem like Mr. Donkey Show. Not that they’re at a donkey show or even know what a donkey… Have you seen how great some of these clothes are?
Sandy: We’re doing the right thing to trust them.
Kirsten: I know.
Sandy: They’re adults. We couldn’t have stopped them if we tried.
Kirsten: I know.
Sandy: I’m going to Mexico.
Kirsten: I’m going with you.
Kirsten: Are we crazy coming here?
Sandy: Driving all night to a foreign country where neither of us speak the language and we only have a vague notion of where they are? Yeah. It’s a little crazy.
Kirsten: How much longer do we keep doing this—rescuing them every time they’re in trouble?
Sandy: I don’t know. But for now, I think that’s our job.
Ryan: Seth set me up.
Kirsten: He called. He was worried.
Kirsten: You okay? You hungry? {Ryan is silent.} This was my worst nightmare. When you first came to live with us. That Seth would follow you somewhere and get hurt.
Ryan: Yeah. I know I shouldn’t have taken him. I’m sorry.
Kirsten: I was going to say, all this changes. Now I have two children to worry about.
The Cold Turkey
Kirsten: When a kid is stealing stuffing in my kitchen, that’s usually a sign that something’s wrong.
Taylor: I would talk to you, Mrs. Cohen, but this is simply too private.
Kirsten: I’ll make you a plate of food.
Taylor: Living room?
Taylor: The next thing I knew I was at his family’s chateau in Burgundy, tipsy off a 1954 Chateaux Margaux, and vowing to love until death do us part.
Kirsten: I can’t believe this is happening. Taylor, you’re usually so responsible.
Taylor: Well needless to say it was []. And now he won’t agree to an annulment. He’s a stubborn man. Sexy. And well-endowed. But stubborn. So I came home. And I’m just too afraid to tell my mom now.
Kirsten: I’ve known your mom for a long time. She might be tough but she’s your mom. Which means that she loves you no matter what.
Taylor: That’s so sweet. And totally wrong.
Kirsten: What happened?
Taylor: She called me irresponsible… and stupid. And then she said I would never be truly thin because I have a naturally large thorax.
Kirsten: Oh Taylor, that’s awful.
The Metamorphosis
Sandy: You know, Jimmy left, Caleb died, then Jimmy left again. Even Neil’s gone. Look, I wasn’t a pennant winner but at least I had a bullpen, you know. Baseball talk.
Kirsten: Got it.
Kirsten: So you’re really giving up on men?
Julie: Men are to me what Chardonnay is to you. One sip and I’m upside down on a chandelier. Not that you’ve ever done that.
Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I’m coming down with something. I’m not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a rain check on our girls night in?
Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick?
Julie: What? No? Uh. I’m just a little flushed. I’ll call you.
Sandy: Hey honey.
Kirsten: How’s it going?
Sandy: Great. Spitz just told me a story about how his kids walked in on him and his wife when they were playing Strip Scrabble.
The Sleeping Beauty
Sandy: I’m playing golf tomorrow with Gordon Bullitt.
Kirsten: The oil tycoon? Didn’t he go to jail for tax evasion?
Sandy: Yeah. But he’s out now. I had dinner with him last month. He’s really not a bad guy for being a total pig.
Sandy: Hey, how’d it go with The Bullitt?
Kirsten: Well, as it turns out Julie was dating his 25 year-old son.
Sandy: Oo. That’s a weird coincidence.
Kirsten: That about sums it up.
The Summer Bummer
Kirsten: I couldn’t help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.
Ryan: Oh. Ah, did I?
Kirsten: Well since he’s out of town and he’s going to be moving out next semester you’re going to need a new Seth. Don’t tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.
Ryan: Oh, uh, yeah. Well, that’s, ah, very thoughtful.
Kirsten: So, how does it work? Do I ask you what’s on your mind?
Ryan: Well usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.
Kirsten: I couldn’t help but notice you’ve been spending time with Taylor.
Ryan: Real— Have I? It’s—
Kirsten: If we’re going to talk about girls, I am a far more knowledgeable resource than my son.
Ryan: Okay, but you can’t repeat this alright? Because if the real Seth found out I was telling the substitute Seth a real secret—
Kirsten: It’s in the vault.
Ryan: I kissed Taylor.
Kirsten: So do I get the job?
Ryan: You’re on the short list.
The Chrismukk-huh?
Sandy: Kirsten.
Summer: What happened?
Kirsten: Taylor and Ryan, they were hanging decorations and I guess the ladder fell.
Seth: What did the doctor say?
Kirsten: Well, they said apparently there’s no serious injury. We just have to wait for them wake up.
The Earth Girls Are Easy
Kirsten: All set?
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: You still thinking about Frank?
Sandy: I can’t shake the feeling that I know him.
Kirsten: Well I wish you did. I’d love to know who Julie has going through our books.
Sandy: She never said anything? Nothing about where Bullitt found him?
Kirsten: Knowing Bullitt it could be anywhere. The golf course, Saudi Arabia, prison.
The My Two Dads
Kirsten: I appreciate you being cautious, but this seems personal.
Sandy: It is personal. Ryan is our son. Because Frank turned his back on his family. He has hurt Ryan before. I’m not going to let him do it again.
Kirsten: Sandy, what on earth?
Sandy: Well the good news is Frank Atwood is going to outlive us all. The bad news: my hand is killing me.
Taylor: I’ll get some ice.
The French Connection
The Dream Lover
Kirsten: New Match.
Julie: Hi Kiki. Don’t hang up.
Kirsten: You turn our business into a prostitution ring and you get hung up on. Company policy. {she hangs up}.
Julie: How about a compromise?
Kirsten: I’m listening.
Julie: We do it together.
Kirsten: I’m not facing those women.
Julie: I’ll do the talking, you drive.
Kirsten: And how come you can’t drive?
Julie: Oh! I’m sorry. Do you want to do the talking? It was our company. You’re liable.
Kirsten: I’ll pick you up in the morning.
Kirsten: You had to do one thing.
Julie: I choked. I’m sorry. I promise, the next person I really will tell. Or we could get our nails done.
Kirsten: Aren’t you supposed to be in Mexico?
Spencer: Julie made me do it.
Kirsten: So you…
Spencer: Yeah, so no one has. You know.
Kirsten: What?
Spencer: Yeah. I’m gonna go.
Julie: Kirsten, I’m sorry. It was the only way I could think to get you to spend the day with me.
Kirsten: So you told all those women they have chlamydia when they don’t?
Julie: They might. They did have sex with male hookers. Plus I picked the five meanest women in Newport.
Kirsten: What is wrong with you?
Julie: I was desperate. I missed you. I hate not having you in my life, Kirsten. I can live without you as my business partner, but not without you as my friend.
Kirsten: You are going to call all those woman tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth.
Julie: Okay. But not Linda. Please let Linda think she has an STD.
Kirsten: That is not only unethical, it is just plain mean.
Julie: I disagree. Do you want to debate about it over dinner? You know you missed me, c’mon. Say it. Kirsten.
Kirsten: I’m having dinner with Julie.
Sandy: Julie?
Kirsten: Yeah. She is the most manipulative, scheming partner in the world. And it was stupid ever to get into business with her and I will never make that mistake again.
Sandy: But she’s the best friend you got.
Kirsten: Something like that.
The Groundhog Day
Kirsten: Listen, mom. What better way to see out your thirties than a little South Korean shock cinema?
Kirsten: I want you seated for this.
Sandy: Is everything okay?
Kirsten: I went to see the doctor.
Sandy: Are you sick?
Kirsten: Yes. But only in the mornings.
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: I’m pregnant.
Sandy: Wait. One more time.
Kirsten: Sandy, we’re having a baby.
The Case of the Franks
Summer: Check out that permage.
Kirsten: Top Gun had just come out. I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Summer: I guess not.
Kirsten: Summer, if you’re meant to be with Seth it’ll happen. You just have to be patient.
Summer: I’m not very good at that.
Kirsten: No one is.
Kirsten: I hate keeping secrets from you.
Sandy: I didn’t know you were.
Kirsten: There’s one thing. Something that I never told you.
Sandy: Is this about Jimmy Cooper?
Kirsten: Can we get the check and talk about this at home?
The Shake-up
Holly: We call ourselves the Six-Pack Pack. Isn’t that so cute you just want to barf?
Kirsten: All the time.
Kirsten: The people in Newport are awful.
Sandy: You’re a little late to the party. I’ve been saying that for twenty years.
Kirsten: Has it gotten worse? I mean I know Julie and some of the others are bad, but…
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: I was at this pre-natal yoga class, and these young women, they’re monsters. They wanted me to join the Six-Pack Pack—
Sandy: The what?
Kirsten: And then they talk about inducing labor at eight months so they don’t have to gain weight. Can we raise another child around this?
Summer: I know making this movie just seems so stupid. But I just want him to get excited about something—anything.
Kirsten: Just give him a chance. Seth will find his way.
Summer: I hope so. He just seems a little lost.
The Night Moves
Kirsten: This is like Berkeley 1989.
Sandy: You say that so warmly.
Kirsten: Not that I’m fond of natural disasters, but there is nothing sexier than your husband calming an angry mob.
Sandy: Are you okay?
Kirsten: I know I’ve been complaining about Newport a lot but it breaks my heart to see it that way.
The End’s Not Near, It’s Here
Six months later…
Ryan: We’ve all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It’s been nice. I mean, I’ve perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: “I shmeared it for ya.”
Sandy: Well, you know… not bad. I am very sexy.
Bullitt: Drop that pen, Amigo. I’m kidnapping the both of you. C’mon, the jet is gassed up.
Kirsten: Is he drunk?
Bullitt: No! Your boys called. They’re up in Berkeley tryin’ to buy back the old homestead. Just need you two up there to seal the deal. I figured the least I could do is lend my jet since old Sanford here introduced me to my lady love.
Kirsten: I can’t fly. I’m nine months pregnant.
Bullitt: Well my son, Amarillo, he’s waiting at the plane. He’s one of those doctors for women’s private parts. C’mon, sunshine’s burning. Let’s go!
Todd: Okay, this isn’t the bathroom.
Kirsten: I’m sorry. I didn’t make it. My water broke.
Sandy: Seth! Call an ambulance!
Kirsten: No time for an ambulance.
Patrick: Okay, this is so random, but I’m actually a midwife.
Kirsten: Good. ‘Cause this baby’s coming now.