The Distance
Kirsten: Are you doing that thing where you think that I’m ignoring you, so you start speaking gibberish to see if I’m listening?
Sandy: Aw. You were listening.
Kirsten: Nope.
Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That’s space?
The Way We Were
Kirsten: Sandy?
Sandy: Honey, I’m in mid-shmear.
Kirsten: Sandy, apologize.
Sandy: I have nothing to apologize to him for! Nothing. And I am sick to death of putting myself on the line for this family and getting nothing.
Sandy: What I said in there, it wasn’t about you.
Kirsten: Thank god. ‘Cause you were scary.
The New Kid on the Block
Sandy: Guess who no longer works for Partridge, Savage and Caan.
Kirsten: You quit?
Sandy: I got fired. Quit slash got fired. A lot of things were said. None of them good.
Kirsten: What happened?
Sandy: Your father.
Sandy: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten: Harder, actually.
The New Era
Julie: Look who has a new ficus!
Kirsten: Ah, I have a ton of work to do.
Julie: I figure now that I’m in charge I could infuse a little more life into this place. You know, ficus here, and orchid there. Next thing you know we are a—
Kirsten: A rain forest. Thanks for the plant, but right now this company is one failed deal away from total ruin. Which means I have to ficus. I mean focus.
Julie: Ficus, focus. You are all over the place.
Sandy: Today he sent me to go meet with his former assistant, Phyllis.
Kirsten: Phyllis died last year.
Sandy: Exactly. Literally, dead ends.
Kirsten: Oh, god. She just grazed an ass.
Jimmy: Ah, the not-so-subtle ass graze. I’ve been a victim of it myself.
The SnO.C.
Kirsten: I don’t want you getting yourself in trouble over this.
Sandy: Aw, honey. It’s a little late for that.
The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t
Kirsten: I’ve invited the Nichols… or the Cooper-Nichols… or whatever they’re called these days.
Seth: They’re called Gentiles. And a whole slew of them I bet. Now we’re going to have to really put our heads together and do some serious Jewcruitment. Ryan, do you think you can rope in some new recruits?
Ryan: Blond hair, blue eyes. No problem, I’m a natural.
Seth: Fair point, my Aryan friend. Now, where are we going to find some Jews in Orange County? Father! I have just discovered the ideal job for you this Chrismukkah.
Sandy: Chrismukkah. Oh, leave me out of it.
Kirsten: Oy humbug.
Seth: Oy humbug.
Kirsten: I thought you and Jimmy were getting along really well.
Julie: Oh really. What makes you say that?
Kirsten: Because last week you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.
Kirsten: No one’s going anywhere until someone tells me what the hell’s going on.
Julie walking in with Jimmy: Hey. What’s going on?
Seth: Good thing the kitchen’s roomy.
The Family Ties
Jimmy: I’ve got terrible news, really. I’ve fallen in love with my ex-wife.
Sandy: You were married before Julie?
Kirsten: You’re in love with Julie?
Sandy: Well I don’t believe that.
Kirsten: Unfortunately I do.
Jimmy: Look, here’s the deal. I can’t be here and be with Julie. But right now I can’t be here and not be with Julie.
Kirsten: What are you saying?
Kirsten: You’re leaving?
Jimmy: Yeah. I need to get away from here before I do any more damage to myself. Or to my kids. Or to Julie. I love Newport. But it’s no good for me right now. In the last year I’ve nearly been arrested, been bankrupt for stealing from my clients. I got punched out at my daughter’s cotillion. I lost my house, my family. I tried to kiss you—which I still feel terrible about. I spent the summer drunk on a boat with your 25-year-old sister. And now I’m getting back together with the woman who started this in the first place. I just can’t stay here any longer. I just can’t do it.
The Power of Love
Sandy: Woah! Top of the morning to you too.
Kirsten: Happy Anniversary.
Sandy after an akward pause: Happy Anniversary to you as well.
Kirsten: I love you.
Sandy: I love you too. Oh, I love you more now than I did nineteen years ago.
Kirsten: You mean you love me more now than you did a year after we got married?
Sandy: No! Come on. No, you know what I’m saying. That Newlywed year, that doesn’t count. It’s a given.
Kirsten: You don’t know how long we’ve been married.
Sandy: No! No. I was kidding you. I know it’s our twentieth. How could I forget that? Who forgets their twentieth anniversary?
Kirsten: Apparently you.
Sandy: All we do is send them to their room to do their homework. What are they going to learn?
Kirsten: Their homework.
Sandy: Maybe we could log some parent-child time right now.
Kirsten: Watching teevee?
Sandy: Why not? It’s Bill O’Reilly. That’ll be punishment enough.
Seth: Who wants blueberry pancakes?
Ryan: Banana?
Seth: Or if you’re feeling sinful, chocolate chip.
Kirsten: Not gonna happen.
Sandy: Too little too late.
Kirsten: Nice try.
Sandy: No way.
Kirsten: I’m not letting the boys stay with Julie Cooper, but they can’t be left alone.
Sandy: Honey. Teenagers. They like girls.
Kirsten: One of which happens to be my sister.
Sandy: So what, we’re gonn forbid him?
Kirsten: Not you. You wouldn’t forbid them anything. You’re too busy being their best friend. I’m the one that has to enforce all the rules.
Sandy: I’ve never done more grounding than I have in the last twenty-four hours!
Kirsten: Who let Seth run away to Portland?
Sandy: What, we’re talking about this now?
Kirsten: You went up there and told him he could stay.
Sandy: It’s a good thing I did! If I let you drag him home we could have lost him forever.
Kirsten: But that’s why this is happening! Because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you’ll just keep me from coming down on him.
Sandy: You think somebody can stop you from coming down on somebody?
Kirsten: Right. And I should find it adorable that you forgot our anniversary!
Kirsten: You planned all this?
Sandy: I prefer the term orchestrated.
The Ex-Factor
Kirsten: We have ordered enough for a small army.
Sandy: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you two invite your female cohorts over?
Ryan: Lindsay’s with her mom. Family therapy and to a Truffaut retrospective.
Sandy: That’s a hell of a doubleheader.
The Accomplice
Gail: As you can see, it’s a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That’s one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!
Kirsten: You’re going to prison?
Sandy: Oh, just for the day.
The Second Chance
Kirsten: Ryan, whatever you did can be undone. Candies, flowers? Work miracles.
Ryan: Actually it’s not something I did. Although thanks for your confidence. It’s your dad.
Kirsten: Ah, the one man impervious to miracles. What happened?
Ryan: Well, Lindsay reached out to him. Or I did for her. There was a meal. Um, there was supposed to be a meal. Um…
we went to a restaurant.
Kirsten: Oh, god, What did he say?
Ryan: He didn’t actually take out his checkbook, but he might as well have.
Kirsten: He thought she wanted money? Wow, he must have gotten her confused with my other sister… Or his wife.
Ryan: Look, I’m not the biggest fan of your dad—no offense—but I mean, Luke Skywalker was happy to have a dad,
even if it was Darth Vader.
Kirsten: You’re right, she needs a dad.
Kirsten: You accused her of wanting money! Not that you’ve ever viewed that as a personality flaw before.
Caleb: Well, she turned up with that inland street thug!
Kirsten: Well didn’t you use that Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader analogy?
Ryan: She poked a serious hole in that analogy.
Kirsten: Listen, nobody has been crushed by our dad more than me.
Lindsay: Hey, well, there’s a club I want to join.
Kirsten after Caleb’s heart attack: That’s the last time I try cooking.
Caleb: Actually I’ve never been better.
Kirsten: Are you on morphine?
The Lonely Hearts Club
.
The Test
Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
Sandy: Well I’ve smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.
Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn’t be the Cohen house if it wasn’t a visit from law enforcement.
The Rainy Day Women
Sandy: I feel like we’ve become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.
Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting a fugitive who used to be his girlfriend.
Julie: I’ll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Kirsten: Marissa? Well I’m sure it’s just a phase.
Julie: It was for me.
Kirsten: Lindsay, no matter what happens, you’ll always be a part of the family.
Caleb: I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Kirsten: You took the bus.
Sandy: I told you, nothing could keep me away from you.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I can promise you it never started.
The Mallpisode
Carter: Look, I just don’t think the world needs more proclamations about how Mukluks are the new
Uggs.
Kirsten: Our bar’s not that low.
Julie: He’s right about Mukluks. Write that down.
The Blaze of Glory
Kirsten: He wants to take it beyond gossip and dish. Focus on culture, the local art scene.
Sandy: So it’s really more of a pamphlet than a magazine.
Carter: This magazine is just a photo opportunity for 55-year-old women with 25-year-old breasts.
Kirsten: But this is chance to turn this community upside-down. Be subversive, irreverent.
Carter: I’d rather be drunk.
The Brothers Grim
Ryan getting off the phone: That was Trey.
Kirsten: Your brother?
Ryan: Yeah. He’s getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.
Seth: Well, there’s that family trip you wanted.
Kirsten: I know Trey is the only family that Ryan has and I do think that we should help him—
Sandy: But you’re scared I’ll want to adopt him.
Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on ramen, and I needed the money.
The Risky Business
Kirsten: Sandy, it’s an honorary chair. A figure-head position. You’d be the master of ceremonies, like an auctioneer. And you know what an MC has.
Sandy: An unfair advantage. You know the opponent’s weakness.
Kirsten: That’s right. A microphone. On stage. With an audience. A captive audience.
Sandy: And a few showtunes, perhaps.
Kirsten: You just have to go by the Club today and say hello.
Sandy: Just a figurehead?
Kirsten: With a mic.
Sandy: We were talking about hanging out next week. Maybe get some drinks.
Kirsten: Well he definitely likes drinks. takes a sip of wine.
The Rager
Carter: Kirsten, congratulations. As of this morning you are a bona fide magazine publisher.
Kirsten: I know. The first issue’s on the stands.
Carter: I was referring to our very first libel suit.
Kirsten: What?
Carter: Nick Morton. Newport Beach Politico. Doesn’t like the profile we ran. Thinks it makes him look sleazy.
Kirsten: You wrote that profile.
Carter: I know. I made him look sleazy.
Kirsten: Hey Carter. You look nice.
Carter: Oh thanks. Sandy told me to spiff it up a bit.
Sandy: Yeah, I didn’t want him to embarrass us..
The O.C. Confidential
Kirsten: Except for my hair issues, great call on the convertible.
Carter: Well, that’s the way the California coast was meant to be seen. And your hair looks great.
Kirsten: Liar. For your punishment I control the radio on the way home.
Carter: No. No one who has won on American Idol ever sings in my car.
Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?
Carter: According to my notes {checks notes} I stopped taking notes.
Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?
Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job rather well because I’m hammered.
Kirsten: Neither of us are actually in the right shape to drive just yet, so—.
Sandy: A little too much of the Indian Spirit, huh?
The Return of the Nana
Kirsten: What happened?
Seth: Is everything alright?
Sandy: The Nana. Headed for the altar.
Kirsten: She’s getting married?
Sandy: Pack your bags. We’re going to Miami.
Seth: Alright. Shuffleboard, Mah Jonng, dinner at 4. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.
Carter: So, I hope you don’t think I’m jumping ship.
Kirsten: Because you are.
The Showdown
Sandy: Do you think I look like Tony Blair?
Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
Sandy: Good hair, leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.
Julie: Oh my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.
Sandy about Carter: Did you have an affair with him?
Kirsten: You don’t get it, do you? Kirsten storms off
Sandy to himself: No.
The O.Sea
Caleb: My god, did you give any thought to your kids?
Kirsten: I am a good mother.
Caleb: You are also an alcoholic. Your mother was one, too. She did her best to hide it, but I always knew.
Kirsten: Why do you think mom drank the way she did?! Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up it’s because of you.
Caleb: I gave you everything you ever wanted.
Kirsten: I may like my Chardonnay but I am not gonna die alone and that’s more than I can say for you!
Sandy: What are we going to do about you? I found your stash.
Kirsten: It’s just in case.
Sandy: I trusted you. I believed you when you said you were done.
Sandy: […] Wait wait wait. Calm down. Say that again? […] Oh my god. I understand. […] Of course. {he hangs up.} It’s about your father.
Kirsten: What is it? He’s all right isn’t he?
Sandy: He’s dead.
The Dearly Beloved
Hailey: After all these years, I caused him nothing but stress and anxiety.
Kirsten: Nothing made him more proud than your getting your life together. Me? Last time I saw him I told him he was going to die alone.
Kirsten: Oh, don’t you say a word. I let you into this house.
Ryan: Yeah, you did. Because my own mom couldn’t take care of me. Because she wouldn’t get help even though I asked
her to. I don’t want to see that happen again to someone I love.
Kirsten: Are you going to be okay?
Seth: Yeah, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about Dad. We’ll set up a stage in the living room. Give him a microphone and the music to Starlight Express.
Ryan: I’ve got the takeout menus covered.
Seth: I’ll order. I’m good with the phone.
Ryan: We’ll be fine.
Kirsten: I love you both so much.