Pilot
Marissa: So what are you doing here? Seriously.
Ryan: Seriously? I stole a car. Crashed it. Actually, my brother did. Since he had a gun and drugs on him, he’s in jail. I got out and my mom threw me out. Because she was pissed off and drunk. So Mr. Cohen took me in.
Marissa: You’re their cousin from Boston, right?
Ryan: Right.
The Model Home
Marissa: You guys are up to something.
Seth: Dude, what’d you tell her?
Ryan: I didn’t tell her anything. Maybe the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
Seth: Okay, I was going for stealth. And also it’s slimming.
Marissa driving : Why won’t you tell me where we’re going? This is pretty far away.
Seth: Oh, wow. Complaining. That’s very interesting considering nobody invited you.
Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.
Marissa: What’s your problem, Cohen? I mean what did I ever do to you?
Seth: Nothing, Marissa. I’ve lived next door to you forever and you’ve never done or said anything to me.
Marissa: Oh my god. You’re the one that never talks to me. You think you’re so much better than everyone.
Seth: I do? Well if you’re talking about Luke, then yes. Because that guy shaves his chest.
Marissa: He plays water polo.
Seth: We know. Half the team tried to kill us the other night.
Ryan: I’m not too popular around here. And your boyfriend… is a little bit angry.
Marissa: You’re telling me you didn’t try to hit him back?
Ryan: Actually, I hit him first.
Marissa: Well, hard to believe you’re not more popular.
Marissa: Maybe I could spend the night, just hang out?
Ryan: You can’t stay. If you stay—if we spend the night—I don’t know that I could leave.
Marissa: Well then don’t.
Ryan: You go back to school in the fall. And I’ll just what? Hang around here, hiding like some ghost?
Jimmy: What’s the matter? You can tell me. We tell each other everything.
Marissa: Do we?
The Gamble
Marissa: Hey. I was hoping maybe we could talk.
Luke: Which one of us did you want to talk to?
The Debut
Marissa: You want me to fix you up with Ryan? I thought you said he was a total psycho.
Summer: Well that was before I got to know him.
Marissa: Wait, when did you get to know him?
Summer: Just now. Plus, then there’s that whole brooding bad boy thing. He’s wounded. I can save him.
Luke: I’d be pretty jealous right now. If Chino wasn’t gay.
Marissa: Luke—
Luke: What? No, it doesn’t bother me. I mean he was born that way, right?
The Outsider
Ryan: When I asked if you wanted to hang out, I was asking you out.
Marissa: I know.
Ryan: I just wanted to clear that up because I’m going to ask you out again.
The Girlfriend
The Escape
Summer about Ryan: He’s all brooding, wounded, “somebody save me.”
Marissa: I thought you liked that.
Summer: It is too hot to save anyone.
Marissa: Guys, can we try to stay positive here?
Seth: Yeah, well I am positive that this is Summer’s fault.
Summer: I am positive that I’m leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you plan on making some extra money tonight?
Marissa: So we’ll just get to Mexico, split up, and we don’t ever have to talk to each other again.
Ryan: Sounds like a plan. By the way, you could’ve knocked first.
Marissa: Did you ever wonder why I came to the pool house. to find you?
Ryan: Every day.
The Rescue
Marissa: Go away.
Luke: I just wanted to see you. I’m so sorry. About everything.
Marissa: Yeah, that’s what you said in Mexico.
Luke: That was a mistake.
Marissa: No kidding.
Luke: What are you doing dressed like that?
Seth: Uh hey, your mom and the doctor are on the move.
Luke: You’re running away?
Marissa: Look, Luke, please, I…
Luke: Take the stairs.
Ryan: But what you want and what your daughter wants are two different things.
Julie: You don’t know what she wants!
Ryan: I know what she doesn’t want. She doesn’t want to go to San Diego. And she doesn’t want to live with you.
Julie: I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to any of this.
Marissa: Just say yes.
The Heights
Luke: We need to talk, Marissa.
Marissa: Believe me, you do not want to hear what I have to say.
Luke: Yes I do.
Marissa: No. All you want is for me to tell you that everything’s okay now. But I can’t. It’s not.
Luke: I know— I know. And I’m so sorry.
Marissa: I don’t care! I don’t care how you feel or what you’re going through. Because you sure as hell didn’t care about me.
Luke: That’s not true.
Marissa: I slept with you. And then you went and slept with one of my best friends. I waited for you and you lied to me. You humiliated me.
The Perfect Couple
Marissa: So I’m just going to run to the girls’ room. It’s down the hall, right?
Anna: I gotta go too.
Seth: Right. Because girls can’t pee alone. Ryan rolls his eyes. What? It’s Anna. I could have said “pop a squat” in front of her if I wanted to.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Sometimes I do.
Marissa: Hey. How goes it with Chip?
Summer: He’s surprised the the ocean is big. Smoke another beer, Chip.
Marissa: Wow. Someone’s in a good mood.
Summer: What is Seth Cohen doing with Tinkerbell? She’s from Pittsburgh. That’s like the 909 of the east.
Marissa: I’ve never actually slept with someone before.
Ryan: Yeah, me neither. I’m usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.
The Homecoming
Ryan: Hey man. What are you doing?
Seth: Not… lying with Captain Oats.
Marissa: Why are you on the floor?
Seth: I figured I’d just end up her anyway so might as well cut out the middleman.
Ryan: Well looks like things went pretty well.
Seth: Yeah, same for you. Nice shiner.
Marissa: Yeah. So can we sit with you and Captain Oats?
Seth: Yeah. Please. Hey, nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.
Marissa: Hey. So Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that’s extremely minty of you. I didn’t even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn’t even
know they had dancing. Or… laughter.
Ryan: That’s because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree that I’m the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving. It’s heartwarming.
The Secret
Seth: You and Luke?
Marissa: I know!
Seth: Holy unholy alliances!
Luke: This is going to be weird.
Ryan: Yep.
Luke: Everybody’s going to be staring at me and talking.
Marissa: Yep.
Luke: Maybe I can just blow the whole thing off. Go to the beach, give everybody time to get it out of their systems.
Ryan: It doesn’t work like that. It’s been months and I’m still the kid from Chino that burned a house down.
Marissa: And I’m still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I’m still… I’m still Seth Cohen.
Luke: Man this is going to suck.
Seth: Yeah, well, welcome to my world.
The Best Chrismukkah Ever
Marissa: Stop, okay? You’re scaring me!
Ryan: Good. You’re scaring me.
Ryan: There’s drinking, crying, cops. Well then it must be Christmas. I left this behind. I am not doing it again.
Marissa: Okay. Okay.
The Countdown
Marissa: I love you. Silence. I mean— I didn’t mean. I…
Ryan: Thank you… ?
Marissa: Uh. You’re welcome?
Ryan: I love you.
Marissa: What?
Ryan: I love you.
Marissa: Thank you.
The Third Wheel
The Links
Marissa: So clearly you’re okay with being just friends with Seth.
Summer: Uh huh. Clearly.
Marissa: I was being sarcastic.
Summer: So was I. Which we never were before Cohen showed up and taught us all irony. Jackass.
Summer: I’ve lost my mind, haven’t I?
Marissa: Yeah. A little bit.
Summer: And over Seth Cohen.
Marissa: You don’t have a problem with Oliver, do you?
Ryan: Nah. I mean, guy
shows up out of nowhere and suddenly he’s hanging around all the time.
Marissa: Yeah. A guy shows up out of the blue. Knows no one, abandoned by his family. Sound familiar?
Ryan: A little bit.
Marissa: Look. You did something nice for him and now he wants to repay you.
Ryan: By playing golf?
Marissa: Yeah, well. It’ll be fun.
Ryan: You’ve never seen me play golf.
Marissa: Then I guess it’ll be especially fun for me.
Marissa: Are you okay? You know he was just playing.
Ryan: I’m fine.
Luke: That guy was not playing.
The Rivals
The Truth
Summer: So Ryan just like punched him for no reason?
Marissa: Well that’s what Ryan does. He punches people. He doesn’t talk to them. And he doesn’t listen.
Summer: Okay, well he had to have a reason though. I mean Ryan’s violent but he’s not stupid.
Marissa: I don’t know. He thinks Oliver’s in love with me or something.
Summer: Well isn’t he?
Marissa: There is no ex-girlfriend is there?
Oliver: Marissa, I can explain.
The Heartbreak
Marissa: Okay, so I lied. Things last night with Ryan went terribly. I think he hates me.
Summer: He doesn’t hate you.
Marissa: He turned down sex.
Summer: He might be on to something.
Marissa: Are you limping?
Summer: Yeah. Cohen knee’d me in the leg.
Marissa: Why?
Summer: He must have read it in the Kama Sutra.
Sandy: Hey. If I teach you guys anything, don’t ever get married.
Ryan: I’ve heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh you’ll hear it from me again. I’ll be at the bar.
Sandy: You know, the thing about Ryan—
Marissa: No, this isn’t… It’s not about Ryan.
Sandy: I know. But the thing about Ryan…
The Telenovela
.
The Goodbye Girl
Marissa: Hey. How are you?
Theresa: I’m just embarrassed. I can’t believe this huge fight at a fancy party.
Marissa: Actually not the first time that’s happened.
The L.A.
Marissa: I thought it was a cliche, young Hollywood doing coke with strippers.
Summer: You know, I didn’t even think they ate bread anymore.
Marissa: Hey, where’s Summer?
Seth: I don’t know. Off with Grady somewhere. I talk about Pynchon for like two seconds, suddenly she’s gone.
Marissa pretending Ryan is an actor: You are… actually a little shorter than I imagined. But still so hot.
Ryan: Thanks.
Seth: You know, I think we did pretty good in there, man. And I told you, we make a good team. I’m the brains, you’re the brawn.
Marissa: Hey! How come you’re the brains? I’m the one who talked us back into that club.
Seth: I’m sorry, I’m the brains. You can be the beauty.
Marissa: Okay, thanks.
The Nana
Ryan: So what do you think of Chino?
Marissa: Actually, I think I could get in more trouble where I’m from.
The Proposal
Marissa: I’m emotionally stable. Besides, I’m not the only one crying.
Seth: I’m sorry, what? I’m allergic, okay? And there is so much pollen in here right now, it’s ridiculous.
Marissa: It’s okay.
Seth: And tomorrow I’m watching football, okay?
Summer: Football season is five months away.
Summer: Where’d you leave your phone, the bathroom?
Marissa: No, my room.
Summer: You have a room?
Caleb: Marissa, your mother is a wonderful woman.
Marissa: She is?
Marissa: If my mom marries him she’s going to be the most powerful woman in Newport.
Ryan: Not if you tell him the truth.
The Shower
Marissa: Standing my ground is not really my strong suit.
Ryan: That’s true.
Marissa: Wow. You guys really need to work on your improv skills.
Marissa: Is Ryan leaving?
Seth: Yeah. {pause} Oh, he took your car.
The Strip
Ryan: Actually I think your dad might be going to Vegas this weekend.
Marissa: How do you know?
Ryan: ‘Cause I might be going to Vegas this weekend?
Marissa: For what?
Ryan: Caleb’s bachelor party.
Marissa: What? With, like, strippers and prostitutes and showgirls?
Ryan: Yeah. I don’t know. I hope so.
Marissa: You guys have fake IDs?
Seth: CB Cebulski of Menlo Park. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?
Marissa: Theresa’s pregnant. And it might not be Eddie’s. So why don’t you tell me what’s going on.
The Ties The Bind
Jimmy: Hey kiddo. What are you doing?
Marissa: Oh you know. Preparing to move into the House on Haunted Hill.
Marissa: I think we should spend this whole summer just being normal.
Ryan: We’re not holding Seth to that are we?
Marissa: No, no. That’d be impossible.
Seth: I think it was on this very stretch of beach where we first got our asses kicked by the water polo team.
Ryan: Yeah. Could be.
Seth: Yes, it definitely tastes the same.
Marissa: Wait, when was that?
Ryan: When I first got here.
Seth: Yeah it was after the fashion show at Holly’s beach house.
Summer: You guys were at that party?
Seth: Those were the days.
Marissa: Believe me, if there was something I could do, I would.
Seth: Yeah, well, I think you’ve done enough, so…
Marissa: What does that mean?
Seth: I just don’t think even Ryan would be back with Theresa if it weren’t for you and Oliver in the first place.
Summer: Cohen!
Seth: Really. All you ever did was drag that kid into your messed-up life.
Marissa: Right. And all you ever did was use him to meet girls and get out of fights.