The Avengers
Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren’t you in school?
Kaitlin: ‘Cause it’s 8 o’clock at night. And a Saturday.
Taryn: …And I said, “Honey, that is not toothpaste.”
Neil: Julie, what on God’s formerly green Earth are you doing?
Neil: Julie! My god! Are you all right? What happened? Is there an earthquake I didn’t feel?
Julie: No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV.
Neil: Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in?
Julie: I didn’t know it was a built-in.
Neil: Well it’s not anymore.
Julie: I have no feeling in my extremities.
Neil: I’m sure you have a pill for that.
Julie: Back off, Neil. I was almost just killed by your heinous furniture.
The Gringos
USMC Guy (Steve-O): I love this guy. We’re doin’ shots!
Seth: I don’t really have time. I have to find my buddy, so why don’t you guys do shots.
USMC Guy: First we do shots. Then we find your friend. We’re brothers right?!
Seth: Well that’s a bit fast but—
USMC Guy: And then we get tattoos!
Seth: Right. This is great.
Waitress: Is that true? That Volchok killed a girl?
Seth: Yes.
Waitress: I know where he is.
Kaitlin: You haven’t moved in 18 hours. Is everything okay?
Julie: It’s fine. The world is an amoral toilet bowl and one day we’ll all be flushed.
Kaitlin: Okay, wow. That was a really uplifting message for your daughter.
Julie: It’s better you know now.
Kaitlin: Okay, I’m just going to go to the clothing drive.
Julie: Why?
Kaitlin: Because believe it or not, I actually want a life. And right now that means school and this stupid clothing drive. So I suck it up… You know some of us are still alive.
Julie: Kaitlin, I can’t do this. I can’t keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can’t. Honey, please. I need your help.
Kaitlin: Mom, do you really think that Dr. Roberts is at that conference by himself?
Julie: No. Of course not.
Kaitlin: Maybe I can make you some ice cream.
The Cold Turkey
Volchok: Thanks for coming. To be honest with you, I didn’t know where else to go. I hitched a ride into town. Slept on the beach last night—
Sandy: I’m not your friend. I’m your lawyer. And I’ll help you get through this. But the less you talk, the better. Alright?
Volchok: I really appreciate this.
Sandy: Well the sooner you’re off the street the sooner Ryan can start his life again.
Volchok: I just want it all to be over.
Sandy: Oh me too. You have no idea.
Neil: Hey Ryan.
Ryan: Hey. Is Julie home?
Neil: She is but I’d rather you didn’t bother her right now.
Ryan: I just need a minute of her time.
Neil: Yeah. I’ve been saying the same thing for six months. Maybe you can talk to her after the holidays.
Ryan: I don’t think you really understand what’s going on here.
Neil: No, you’re right, I don’t. I don’t understand all the phone calls. I don’t understand why we’re not having dinner with your family tonight. All I do know is that I was once very excited about my life with this woman and it all seems to be disappearing now.
Ryan: I get it. I’m sorry.
Neil: Tell your family I say “Happy Thanksgiving.”
Seth is instructed to keep the dinner guests from the shelter occupied
Seth: Okay, who here has not seen Battlestar Galactica season one?
Shelter Guy: I missed the season finale.
Seth: Get ready to have your mind blown. In this, Starbuck is a woman….
Volchok: Kill me! I don’t care! I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over.
Ryan: You didn’t try to help. You didn’t even stop.
Volchok: I got scared. I freaked… all to hell.
Ryan: And she died. On the side of the road.
Volchok: I think about that night every day. That’s all I think about. I wish I could take it back.
Ryan: I don’t want to hear about how bad you feel. Tell me why you did it.
Volchok: Does it matter?
Ryan: It matters to me.
Volchok: I don’t know. Okay? I mean, I was coming after you. You got the girl, I didn’t. And that was hard for me to handle. I just want— I wanted you to pull over. And it all got out of control.
Ryan: So what? It was all an accident? Hm? A mistake?
Volchok: I know it doesn’t change anything. So if you want to finish this, I’m not gonna fight back.
Ryan: I’m not doing you any favors. You have to live with what you did. It’s over.
Sandy: Hey! Didn’t I defend you a couple years ago for a B&E?
Daryl: Yeah. Now I remember. I called you Crazy Eyebrow Man.
Sandy: Well. I’ll take that as a compliment.
The Metamorphosis
Therapist: I’m proud of you, Summer. You’ve made astounding progress. And all in one week.
Summer: Well it’s kind of a relief in a way. Now I can go back to being me.
Therapist: What do you mean by that?
Summer: Well this whole “Save the Planet” thing. It was a crutch, right? And nothing against handicapped people, but, ew.
Kaitlin: I made a bet with my mom that I’d stay out of trouble. And this? Sounds like trouble.
Sandy’s cell phone goes off as Spitz is taking a swing
Sandy: I’m so sorry, man. I’m so sorry. It’s the office. I’m turning it off.
Jason: I think I hit your car anyway.
Taryn: Have you met my friend? Julie Cooper, urban cougar.
The Sleeping Beauty
Julie: Oh my god. Wake up.
“Lars”: What are you doing?
Julie: It’s almost 8 o’clock. You have to get out of here before my daughter wakes up.
“Lars”: Noch zehn minuten. (Ten more minutes).
Julie kicking him out of bed: Schnell!
Kaitlin: Are you my new daddy?
“Lars“: Oh. Good morning. I’m your mom’s personal trainer. We were just doing an early morning workout.
Kaitlin: Really? And how much do you charge for that?
Summer: Did you find out what they were doing with them?
Che: Huh. It doesn’t matter. If it wasn’t evil they wouldn’t have to keep them locked up in cages like animals.
Bullitt teeing off: Look at that. Shi’ite Muslim!
Gordon Bullitt (Gordon Grubs): Cigar?
Sandy: No. Thanks.
Bullitt: They’re Cuban. Commie bastards do one thing right.
Summer: Che—
Che: I got the call too. That scientist picked us out on Facebook. Apparently the chiseled features of freedom? Not that hard to recognize.
Che: Summer, have I accomplished anything this semester?
Summer: Are you kidding? Che, there would be no political activism at Brown without you. Oh my god, are you getting kicked out?
Che: No. But I think you might be.
Summer: What?
Che: Yeah, they needed a scapegoat. You said yourself that I’m too important to the movement, so…
The Summer Bummer
Dean: I’m afraid you’re no longer a student here.
Summer: But my dad is living in Seattle with the step-monster. And Taylor Townsend is sleeping in my old bed. And Seth is moving out here so we can be together.
Dean: Ms. Roberts, you need to go home.
Summer: This is my home.
Che: Back at the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off of the fumes from your burning flesh.
Che: Dark.
Bullitt: I tell you, the women are well-preserved in this town. If my slacks weren’t so damn tight—
Julie: Bullitt. What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be a silent partner.
Bullitt: Oh, I ain’t here to work. Came to see my girlfriend.
Julie: What? No, I am not—
Bullitt: Car’s waiting outside. Dinner’s planned. I’d invite Blondie but she don’t look much like an eater.
Bullitt: Have dinner with me.
Julie: No.
Bullitt: A cocktail.
Julie: No.
Bullitt: Then let’s just make out.
Julie: I could hurt you. wields taser
Bullitt: Wow. Call me.
Summer: Kaitlin, what’s going on?
Kaitlin: Just having a few friends over in my house.
Summer: It’s my house. I think.
Kaitlin: Okay, freak. Summer, why is this guy handcuffed to your wrist?
Summer: There’s no one handcuffed to my wrist. He doesn’t exist.
Kaitlin: Also kind of freaky.
Bullitt: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff—
Sandy: Now there’s a generalization that’s not even remotely offensive.
Summer: Cohen, you’re here!
Seth: Yeah. And I want to see what this guy’s got to say for himself.
Che: Please, Seth. Summer and I are on a journey together.
Summer: Huh?
Che: A journey towards the truth.
Seth ominously: You’re on a journey. To the pool.
Summer still handcuffed to Che: What? No! Cohen!
Che: Just know I hate myself more than you can ever hate me.
Summer: I’m capable of a lot of hate.
Seth: It’s true.
Bullitt: I swear, you make me all nervous inside.
Julie: So you only act like a bigot and a sexist pig around me?
Bullitt: No, I just feel worse about it when you’re around. You’re such a classy and elegant dame.
Well. That is true.
Julie: Hello?
Spencer: Julie. Hey, it’s Spencer. I just wanted to call and say thanks. I had a great night.
Julie: I would assume so. It’s pretty late.
Spencer: I’ll, ah, I’ll give you your cut when you get back into town.
Julie: My cut? No, Spencer. You paid to join the service. Your date doesn’t pay you. That’s illegal. You’re not a gigolo.
Spencer: Right. Open phone line. Got it. My bad. Anyway, you got yourself one satisfied customer. See ya.
Julie: Spencer, wait. phone rings. Spencer.
Pam: I wish. But it’s probably for the best. I am tin roof rusted.
(Gotta love the B-52s)
The Chrismukk-huh?
Julie: Oh, now honey I told you my family only drinks wine coolers.
Kaitlin: We’re having a very Britney Christmas, Mother.
Julie: Yes. Watch out. I might put you on my lap while we drive out there.
Kaitlin: You know, I really don’t think that Veronica’s going to care if Taylor’s in a bogus coma.
Julie: Well it doesn’t matter. Her daughter’s in the hospital and she needs to know.
Alt-Kaitlin: [Marissa] died three years ago.
Ryan: What?
Alt-Kaitlin: She OD’ed in an alleyway in Tijuana. Wow, that’s really the way I want to start my Christmas vacation. Wait, who are you again?
Ryan: No one.
Alt-Veronica to Alt-Taylor: Taylor, what are you doing? I told you not to wear that suit. Your ass looks like the back of a truck.
Taylor to herself: Oh my god. In alt-world I’m a boy.
Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you’re not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now I’ll tell security you have a bomb.
Kaitlin: Wow. Very Jack Bauer of you.
Jailed Santa: You, uh, seen my hat?
Ryan: You threw up in it.
Jailed Santa: Right.
Kaitlin: Between you and me, Taylor in a coma is kind of a nice break.
The Earth Girls Are Easy
Julie: I’m not questioning the fantasy, Spencer. We’ve all imagined doing it with a delivery boy. I am questioning whether we should be paying for the pizza. It’s starting to add up.
Spencer: We’re running a male prostitution ring, Julie. Pizza’s the cost of business.
Kaitlin about Julie: You really like her, don’t you?
Bullitt: Oh yeah, Peanut. She’s under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, didn’t once try to peek under a girl’s burkha.
Bullitt: Julie, meet my buddy Frank. He’s going to put your books in order.
Julie: Didn’t I say no to this?
Bullitt: Oh yes you did. But a little birdie told me to ignore you so that’s what I’m doing.
Julie: Gordon—
Bullitt: Is no longer willing to negotiate. Now let’s let Frank do his thing. Meantime let’s get you out of that pilgrim outfit and into a ball gown.
Zerk-nong: What’s my name?
Slutty Alien: Zerknong.
Zerk-nong: Spell it.
Slutty Alien: Z-U—
Zerk-nong: E.
Slutty Alien: Oh. Z-E-R-K-N—
Zerk-nong: Hyphen.
Slutty Alien: Hyphen-N-O-N-G.
Kaitlin: So what was that dance that you were talking to me about this afternoon? The one with the number.
Bullitt laughs: That’d be the Texas Two-Step.
Kaitlin: Will you show it to me?
Bullitt: Is the Pope Catholic?
Julie: I’m not trading sex for silence, Frank. I may be a madame but I’m not a whore.
Frank: Good to know. But that’s not why I brought you here.
Julie: It’s not?
Frank: Sit down.
Julie: So why did you bring me here?
Frank: For information.
Julie: Information about what?
Frank: About the Cohen family.
Julie: Why?
Frank: Because I’m not who I say I am.
Julie: And who are you?
Frank: I’m Ryan’s father.
The My Two Dads
Sandy: So you’re Ryan’s father?
Frank Atwood (Kevin Sorbo): That’s funny. I was just going to say the same thing to you.
Frank: All I know is you’re a ballplayer. And then I go away and suddenly you’re in musicals.
Ryan: Mom had her dreams.
Frank: I’m sorry, I’m not much of a hugger. I’m sorry about what happened in there.
Ryan: I’ll call ya.
Julie: You get caught lying about cancer, you’re gonna get punched. Those are the rules.
Frank: Yeah, I just wanted time with the kid. I think I would have said or done anything.
Julie: I understand, believe me.
Frank: This outta keep things straight with Gordon. I think you’ll find these books are cooked so you can hide as much as you make.
Julie: Ah. The prostitution ring. No. After you busted me on New Years I made a resolution to quit. It’s hard out there for a pimp.
The French Connection
Taylor: What is this book?
Book Seller: It’s A Season for Peaches. It’s the bestseller from France. The English translation came in today.
Taylor: Okay. What’s it about?
Book Seller: Kind of like Bridges of Madison County meets The Notebook meets… porn.
Book Seller: Oh, so you read it?
Taylor: No. I lived it. I’m Peaches.
Henri-Michel Momourant: Who shall I make it out to? A girlfriend perhaps. What is her name?
Ryan: Taylor.
Henri-Michel: Peaches, I know I wronged you by writing this book. Let me repay this debt by mending the rift with you and your corn-fed farm boy.
Holly: I told Brett that for Christmas all I want is an African baby.
Kaitlin: What are you doing anyway?
Julie: My cell phone wasn’t at the office.
Kaitlin: So you think it’s in the frying pans.
Julie: I checked everywhere else and I just really need it, okay?
Kaitlin: Okay. {Julie checks the toaster}
Seth: So what was that deal with the unicorn?
Neil: Well it seems the guy dressed his horse up as a unicorn for his daughter’s birthday and… things went terribly awry. But it taught us all about the value of family.
Neil: I don’t think that you really appreciate Summer.
Seth: What? Look, Dr. Roberts, with all due respect you have a lot of grounds with which to object to this admittedly hair brained idea, but there’s one thing that is undeniable is that I appreciate your daughter.
Neil: As you made clear yesterday when you called her “kinda cool” and “easy on the eyes.” You gotta do better than that.
Seth: Well she’s hilarious, for one. My favorite thing in the world is to make her laugh because she has a crazy honk of a laugh— I think Nelson from The Simpsons.
Neil: She does have a contagious laugh.
Seth: And stop me before I say she makes me a better man, but she makes me more of a man. And certainly less of a boy. I love every minute I spend with your daughter, sir, I really do.
Holly: I was really anorexic when I wore it—not to brag.
Summer: Oh. Good for you.
Director: So you’re the friend of Mademoiselle Townsend?
Ryan: Yes. What’s happening?
Director: They started out talking about A Season for Peaches and now somehow they are into Existentialism of the 21st century, the responsibility of the post-Colonial age, Johnny Depp. Amazing!
Henri-Michel: I would love to pick your brain on David Hume.
Ryan: Sounds great. Who’s David Hume?
Henri-Michel: Good question! I’m sure you ask yourself this every day.
Henri-Michel: After I heard about your research—traveling to Hume’s personal archive in Edinburgh—even I was impressed.
Ryan: I’m sure you were.
Kaitlin: Stupid winter clothing drive.
Will: You may not know this, but there are homeless people that live in Newport.
Kaitlin: Really? {turns toward Newport’s homeless} Hi Daryl, Hi Bill.
Daryl and Bill: Hey Kaitlin.
Will: What do you say I give you a call when you leave here.
Kaitlin: I just can’t believe this winter clothing drive is salting my game.
Summer: I just kind of got engaged.
Che: That’s amazing. I’ll weave you guys something ASAP.
The Dream Lover
Summer: Your pink eye’s all clear.
Seth: Pink eye?
Summer: Yeah. The reason why I haven’t heard from you. I talked to Ryan.
Che: It was his sciatica.
Seth: Yeah. When it gets in the eye, it’s— it goes pink.
Taylor: Ryan and I were never going to work anyway. He doesn’t even like cheese.
Henri-Michel: I must admit, I feel for him. I know the excruciating pain of living without you. And a life without cheese, well…
Che: All we need is my harmonica—got it—your broken spirit and these giant backpacks.
Kaitlin: You honestly got her nothing? I mean, you couldn’t have gone to the Qwik-E-Mart and gotten her a stuffed animal or gummi bears?
Ryan: Gummi bears?
Kaitlin: Talk is cheap, Ryan. You’re going toe-to-toe with this Frenchie. You need to step your game up.
Ryan: I can’t believe I’m getting advice from a fifteen-year-old.
Kaitlin: A fifteen-year-old who’s right.
Henri-Michel: So you are here to beat me up. I warn you, my family is hemophilic. I will bleed.
Henri-Michel: Can I get you some coffee? It tastes like urine, but apparently that is how you Americans drink it.
Henri-Michel: What are you doing with the refuse?
Taylor: I was making sure that the maid service here is efficient.
Henri-Michel: Or looking for Ryan’s mug of stale candy and bear that holds a balloon?
Taylor: Well, the guy did get me a gift. And the balloon was really shiny.
Che: We can shove these rocks into the tent. Unless you’re too weak to move.
Seth: No, I um, actually, I found some berries down below, they were pretty tasty, so—
Che: You ate the berries?
Seth: Yeah. Why? Is that a problem?
Che: No. That’s no problem. Not yet.
Che: How are you feeling, friend?
Seth: Like I’m sharing a sauna with the Blue Man Group.
Che: Go with it. You’re in the spirit world, man. This is the very last part of your journey.
Seth: Ryan likes Journey.
Kirsten: Aren’t you supposed to be in Mexico?
Spencer: Julie made me do it.
Kirsten: So you…
Spencer: Yeah, so no one has. You know.
Kirsten: What?
Spencer: Yeah. I’m gonna go.
The Groundhog Day
Kaitlin: Five people in this house and I end up eating dinner by myself.
Che: The day after tomorrow is Groundhog Day. And I’m planning a little black ops mission to free Newport Chuck.
Summer: The groundhog?
Che: Yeah. You’ve heard of this travesty?
Summer: I’ve heard about the festival. They put him on stage with the mayor and if he sees his shadow it’s six more weeks of winter. Which is crazy considering we don’t even have winter to begin with, but I think they treat him okay.
Che: No! Three hundred and sixty-four days a year little dude is stuck in a cage, now he gets to play []. No. That’s absolutely criminal.
Summer: Okay. Just don’t involve me ’cause that’s how I got kicked out of Brown.
Kirsten: Listen, mom. What better way to see out your thirties than a little South Korean shock cinema?
Che: Rise and shine, brother! For the clarion call of justice has rung across the land! {he rips his covers off the bed}
Seth: I’m glad I don’t sleep naked.
Che: Yeah. Me too. I didn’t think about that.
Dr. Jaines (Alison LaPlaca): And you think that you’re suffering from an emotional addiction?
Taylor: Yeah, pretty much all my life. Because I never really knew my dad and my mom is kind of like Idi Amin with fake boobs. You know, big on the torturing and the tyranny, not so big on the nurturing.
Dr. Jaines: And how has that been—this time apart?
Taylor: Well that’s kind of the other problem. Um… sometimes when I like someone I sometimes, kind of… stalk them.
Dr. Jaines: Uh huh.
Taylor: But not in like a scary Star 80 way. Just in, you know, a follow-them-around, take pictures and log their activities and then compile it all in a factually-accurate yet aesthetically-pleasing scrapbook… and it’s all really— oh my god I’m a lunatic.
Dr. Jaines: Taylor, you are not a lunatic. You recognize this behavior is not healthy and you want to correct it.
Taylor: I do. I really really do.
Bullitt on the phone: Hey Peanut. Just left the airport.
Kaitlin: We need to talk.
Bullitt: Well not if it’s about that duty-free booze you asked me to buy.
Kaitlin: You scared me.
Bullitt: Well quit hidin’ in the shadows like some Al-qaeda wacko.
Che: …and return him to the savannahs of his childhood.
Seth: I actually heard he was captured in Irvine.
Che: How ’bout a pre-op sno cone?
Che: You realize this is the second time you and I’ve spent the night together?
Seth: So?
Che: So. Does that mean anything to you?
Seth: You’ll be going on your little adventures by yourself from now on?
Julie: You were emailing him and pretending to be me?
Kaitlin: I just know you don’t deal well with long-distance relationships. I thought you might regret it.
Julie: Really? That’s the reason? It has nothing to do with you being sick of eating frozen dinners.
Kaitlin: What, and your saying no has nothing to do with the fact you’re seeing a mystery man?
Julie: There is more to relationships than just money.
Kaitlin: I don’t care for The Bullitt just because he’s a billionaire. {Julie eyes her.} Maybe I care a little bit.
Seth: You guys off?
Che: Yes. To where the winds of liberty blow over the mountaintops.
Seth: So like Chicago or something?
The Case of the Franks
Taylor: I don’t get it. Ryan hasn’t been to see you at all?
Frank: Well I left a message with him when I switched hotels. Told him I was here, in case he wanted to see me, but so far no luck. Taylor, don’t mind me asking, what are you doing here?
Taylor: Well, I found this address by Ryan’s bed and he’s been kinda distant lately so I thought it might be a clue and so I came here and… I have emotional problems. But I’m getting over it.
Frank: You’d be willing to do that—get in the line of fire?
Taylor: It’s just that there’s something kind of sad about Ryan. Maybe if he could mend his relationship with you he could be a little happier.
Frank: Well I am all for it. Do you have a plan in mind?
Taylor: Always.
Bullitt: Here we are, practically man and wife, and we still haven’t sealed the deal.
Julie: I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.
Bullitt: Well if I do say so myself you’re in for quite a treat.
Julie: Can we not talk about it?
Bullitt: Well I can sum it up in one word—
Julie: Don’t.
Bullitt: Bang.
Psychic: Wait! This is important. I see the great love of your life.
Summer: Me too.
Psychic: The name’s coming to me. I see it.
Seth: Let me give you a little help: Seth.
Psychic: No.
Seth: Seth.
Psychic: No. It’s George.
Seth and Summer: George?
Psychic: There’s a lot of heat surrounding this name.
Seth: You’re leaving me for a guy named George?
Summer: No.
Psychic: She certainly is. Your destiny is with this George.
Taylor: Oh my god, Frank!
Ryan: Yeah.
Frank: What?
Taylor: Are you in love with Julie Cooper?
Young Jimmy: Don’t listen to her.
Young Kirsten about a young Taryn: Sometimes I feel like I’m going to be listening to her snide comments for the rest of my life.
Young Summer: I wish I was a mermaid and was friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and seashells, that would be my wish.
News Guy: Justin Timberlake is coming to the Bait Shop. Just how does such a small venue get such big names—
Summer: Falling skateboards? Justin Timberlake? Everything the psychic said is coming true. You know any second I’m just gonna get whisked away by some dude named George.
Seth: Relax. Now I know that psychic has a lot of credibility. She works at a kiosk and she doesn’t appear to charge for her services.
Kaitlin: Listen, Townsend. I’m playing for Team Bullitt, okay? And my team, we always win.
Taylor: What connects you?
Frank: We’re just… from the same world.
Kaitlin: How did you find us?
Julie: Taylor activated the GPS on your phone. to Julie Can I talk to you?
Kaitlin: Damn GPS. I should have thought of that.
Julie: What are you guys, KGB? What’s going on?
Bullitt: Where the heck’s your mom?
Kaitlin: I know I asked you to be my step-dad, but do you mind being my friend instead?
Bullitt: So, Julie’s had enough of the old Bullitt, eh?
Kaitlin: We can still play ping pong together.
Bullitt: C’mon. {they walk away}. You know I let you win.
Kaitlin: No you don’t.
Bullitt: Yes I do.
Kaitlin: In your dreams.
Bullitt: You ever see that movie Casablanca?
Kaitlin: No.
Bullitt: It goes like this: “Peanut, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
Julie: I’m having the strangest craving for a corn dog.
Frank: There may be one left.
The Shake-up
Holly: I have worked too hard for this body to just let it turn into some sort of dumpy baby factory.
Holly: We call ourselves the Six-Pack Pack. Isn’t that so cute you just want to barf?
Kirsten: All the time.
Frank: Kaitlin, I care about your mom. Considering my past I understand why you’re suspicious.
Kaitlin: Look, I really don’t care that you went to prison, alright? I mean The Bullitt went to prison and he was awesome. You’re just boring.
Keri about the crying baby: God, can you just take that thing outside! Oh, don’t freak. I’m not a psycho. It’s our baby.
Ryan: I didn’t know you were a runner.
Kaitlin: Yeah. Helps me work stuff out. You should try it.
Ryan: Maybe I will. Everything okay?
Kaitlin: Yeah. No, I was just nearby. Figured I’d stop in, say hello. Ask your advice on winning over a fifteen-year-old Newport girl.
Ryan: Kaitlin giving you trouble?
Julie: I’ve tried to be understanding. I’m sorry if Frank isn’t as hilarious as Bullitt was .
Kaitlin: It’s not even about that!
Julie: Then what is it? Is it the money?
Kaitlin: Mom, look at us. In the past year we’ve lost Dad, we’ve lost Marissa. We had Dr. Roberts and we lost him. And then we got The Bullitt, lost him. What makes you think that this guy is going to stick around any longer?
Julie: Kaitlin, am I crazy or did you say that it was okay for me to date Frank?
Kaitlin: Yes, to date him. But it’s been a week and he’s practically living in our house. Like he’s family! He is not family. You and I are. I mean why can’t we just act like that for a little while?
Kaitlin: I just wish there was a way you could tell if it was all gonna work out.
Ryan: Yeah but there isn’t. But I promise you I will always be your brother. In a completely non-creepy way.
Kaitlin: Wait, Ryan. As your sister, if you don’t tell Taylor that you love her, you’re an idiot.
Julie: She’s right.
The Night Moves
Kaitlin: Look, I understand why you keep on calling Summer and the Cohens, but why Frank? I mean weren’t you guys supposed to take it down a notch?
Julie: Kaitlin, just because we’re pulling things back a little bit doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped caring about each other.
Julie: I’m thinking the roof. Or… where the roof used to be. Ice Cream Guy, you got a ladder?
Gary: You can’t climb up there.
Julie: I’m not going to. You are.
Gary: We’re on an island, all alone.
Kaitlin: Look, we appreciate the imagery and all that, but this is no time for existential metaphors.
Gary: No, really. The pier’s been washed out.
Julie: I used to sing that to Kaitlin when she was little. And scared.
Gary: Isn’t that kinda inappropriate? I mean, given the sexual content of the lyrics?
Kaitlin: Well, it was the only song she knew all the words to.
Julie: That and Pour Some Sugar on Me.
Sandy: Excuse me, doctor. My wife would never complain. She would never put her needs in front of anybody else’s, but I am not that proud. I am not that selfless. I am begging you please please to give her and our baby priority.
Doctor: I’d like to help really, but—
Richard White: You can have my spot.
Overhead Page: Richard White.
Richard: That’s me. Go.
Sandy: Thank you.
Veronica Townsend: Taylor! You shot me!
Taylor: Sorry.
Veronica Townsend: I’m not holding the rabbit. Unless you promise I can make a vest out of him.
Summer: I’ll carry Pancakes.
Gary: Best. Earthquake. Ever.
Seth: Daryl?
Daryl: Hey Seth. How’s the earthquake treating you?
Kaitlin: I’m sorry for posting your mugshot up in the ladies’ room at Taylor’s birthday.
Frank: It showed a lot of creativity.
Julie: Speaking of creativity, Kaitlin. Clown porn?
Frank: I’m not going to ask where that came from.
Kaitlin: I found it in Dr. Roberts’ study. You guys will believe absolutely anything.
Taylor: Mom I’m really sorry I shot you. I know we don’t always get along but… I love you.
Veronica Townsend: I love you too.
Veronica Townsend: I was shot because I was a total failure as a mother. It never even occurred to you that I would come looking for you.
Taylor: But you did.
The End’s Not Near, It’s Here
Six months later…
Ryan: We’ve all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It’s been nice. I mean, I’ve perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: “I shmeared it for ya.”
Sandy: Well, you know… not bad. I am very sexy.
Julie walking in: Baby, stop mimicking Sandy.
Sandy: Julie! Crepe? I am too nauseous to eat. Morning sickness? Or wedding jitters. Who can tell.
Kaitlin: Well your fiancé is certainly excited about the nuptials.
Julie: Yeah, he’s become a broken record. He keeps saying—
Bullitt: Bang!
Inspector: The cost of repairing the damage is more than the value of this house. I’m sorry, but there’s no saving your home.
Kaitlin: I can’t believe Bullitt’s got twelve sons.
Troy: One from every oil refinery in Texas.
Bullitt: There she is. Bullitts, meet the Squirt.
The Bullitts: Hi Squirt!
Bullitt: Squirt, meet the Bullitts! This is Austin, Dallas, Houston, Lubbock, Odessa, El Paso, Amarillo, Texarkana, San Antonio, Corpus Christi and Hanoi.
Todd: Hello.
Ryan: Hi. So we’d like to buy your house. the homeowners laugh and shut the door in their face. They try again…
Seth: Please don’t shut the door—we’d really like to buy your house.
Todd: And you’re an adorable couple. But this house isn’t for sale.
Bullitt: Drop that pen, Amigo. I’m kidnapping the both of you. C’mon, the jet is gassed up.
Kirsten: Is he drunk?
Bullitt: No! Your boys called. They’re up in Berkeley tryin’ to buy back the old homestead. Just need you two up there to seal the deal. I figured the least I could do is lend my jet since old Sanford here introduced me to my lady love.
Kirsten: I can’t fly. I’m nine months pregnant.
Bullitt: Well my son, Amarillo, he’s waiting at the plane. He’s one of those doctors for women’s private parts. C’mon, sunshine’s burning. Let’s go!
Realtor: Not to pressure you, but the owners are expecting other offers.
Bullitt: Oh, what the hell, Blondie. I’ll buy this house. grabs pen and signs Here. And here. to Kirsten and Sandy. Andalay!
From the the flyer
The Devil Bullitt: It’s all about the Benjamins, Fuzzy Butt!
Kaitlin: I mean I love Bullitt, but one’s kind of enough, you know.
Julie: You’re telling me.
Kaitlin: What are you talking about? You’re about to spawn off the latest.
Julie: Maybe he won’t be all that Bullitt-esque.
Kaitlin: Don’t count on it. He’s probably going to come out with a cowboy hat and tell the doctor, “bang.”
Julie: Or a wife beater.
Sandy: Is there any chance we could see the kitchen? Just to see if the Seth Cohen growth chart is still notched in the wall?
Patrick: It isn’t. We thought it was termites.
Todd: Okay, this isn’t the bathroom.
Kirsten: I’m sorry. I didn’t make it. My water broke.
Sandy: Seth! Call an ambulance!
Kirsten: No time for an ambulance.
Patrick: Okay, this is so random, but I’m actually a midwife.
Kirsten: Good. ‘Cause this baby’s coming now.
Bullitt: No thank you, Kirsten. I’m lactose-intolerant.
Julie: I can’t get married without Kiki. She’s my best friend. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing it without her.
Cut to Berkeley and the entire wedding outside of Patrick & Todd’s
Patrick & Todd: Oh my god.
Bullitt: One of you two wouldn’t happen to be a wedding planner, would you?
Todd: Actually.
Todd: Okay… What is it with you people?
Bullitt about Julie: That woman is like nailing jello to the wall.
Patrick: You can’t fight fate. We’ll sell.
Kaitlin: Our kitchen is going to be so empty.
Julie: I know. I was kind of getting used to becoming a Cohen.
Kaitlin: My Sandy impression was killer.
Julie: We’ll figure it out.
Kaitlin: We’re Coopers.