Pilot
Sandy: Have you given any thought at all to your future? Dude, I’m on your side. C’mon, help me out here. This—
Ryan Atwood: Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be a hundred. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025. Which means people are going to have to stay in their jobs until they’re 80. So I don’t want to commit to anything too soon.
Ryan: Let me tell you something, okay? Where I’m from, having a dream doesn’t make you smart. Knowing it won’t come true? That does.
Ryan: This is a nice car. I didn’t know your kind of lawyer made money.
Sandy: No. We don’t. My wife does.
Marissa: So what are you doing here? Seriously.
Ryan: Seriously? I stole a car. Crashed it. Actually, my brother did. Since he had a gun and drugs on him, he’s in jail. I got out and my mom threw me out. Because she was pissed off and drunk. So Mr. Cohen took me in.
Marissa: You’re their cousin from Boston, right?
Ryan: Right.
Random Woman: Did I hear you were from Canada?
Ryan: Yes, you did.
Sandy pointing: Is that Summer?
Seth: I’m gonna go… sit.
Ryan: Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.
Kirsten: I’m sorry. You seem like a nice kid.
Ryan: It’s okay. I get it. You have a really nice family.
The Model Home
Sandy: …And you know, they do find foster homes for kids your age.
Seth: Yeah, because everybody wants a brand new teenager. I’m sorry if I’m the only one here that will state the obvious—
Kirsten: Seth!
Seth: —but we have all this extra room here. We have a pool house. Yet. You guys are going to ship him off to a group home? Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?
Ryan: It’s okay. Really.
Seth: Where you going?
Ryan: I don’t know. New town, get a job somewhere, save some money.
Seth: That’s a great plan. Sounds like you’ve given it a lot of thought.
Ryan: Got a better idea?
Seth: Actually I do.
Ryan: I’m not too popular around here. And your boyfriend… is a little bit angry.
Marissa: You’re telling me you didn’t try to hit him back?
Ryan: Actually, I hit him first.
Marissa: Well, hard to believe you’re not more popular.
Marissa: Maybe I could spend the night, just hang out?
Ryan: You can’t stay. If you stay—if we spend the night—I don’t know that I could leave.
Marissa: Well then don’t.
Ryan: You go back to school in the fall. And I’ll just what? Hang around here, hiding like some ghost?
Luke: You’re okay.
Ryan: Disappointed?
The Gamble
Sandy: It’s gonna be okay.
Ryan: My mom ditched me. I burned your wife’s house down. How is this going to be okay?
Ryan: I used to want to be an architect.
Kirsten: And what do you want to be now?
Ryan: Seventeen.
Kirsten: Me too.
Dawn: I ruined everything, huh? You hate me.
Ryan: No, I don’t. I love you, Mom.
The Debut
Sandy: So Kirsten and I went to Child Services this morning and we told them that we want you to stay with us. But there’s a catch. Because you’re a minor, the only way they’re gonna allow that to happen is if we assume all legal responsibility for you.
Ryan: I can’t ask you guys to do that.
Sandy: You don’t have to. We’re asking you.
Kirsten: We’ve all talked about it. And we want to be your legal guardians. We want you to be part of the family. If you want to be.
Ryan: What if it doesn’t work?
Kirsten: Well how do you mean?
Ryan: Well what if something happens and you guys change your mind?
Sandy: Like what? You steal a car? You burn down a house? You beat up the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.
Ryan: You knew about this and didn’t say anything.
Seth: I didn’t wanna jinx it. Dude. You’re a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Ryan: Yeah. Now all I have to do is stay out of trouble.
Seth: Yeah. That could be… difficult.
Ryan panicked: Dancing? You didn’t tell me there was dancing.
Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I’d be here by myself right now.
Ryan: Because I really don’t dance.
Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.
Ryan: Look, your parents taking me in, it’s like the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not gonna lose it just to kick some guy’s ass.
Seth: But you could totally kick his ass, right?
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Seth: Cool.
Sandy: Which one’s sword?
Ryan: Not the one you’re hitting.
Sandy: Got it. Right.
Ryan: Okay, now you’re stabbing me. Just don’t touch any of the buttons, follow me through the
forest, and, uh, maybe we’ll both make it out of here alive.
Sandy: So you didn’t feel like going, huh?
Ryan: Yeah. Not really for me.
Sandy: What, waltzing and orchids? What could be more you?
Ryan: Guess I don’t really fit in, huh?
Sandy: Oh, I got news for you. Nobody does. I guarantee you every single person at that cotillion feels like a fraud. They’ve all got secrets and they’re all terrified the guy next door is going to find them out.
Ryan: What’s your secret?
Sandy: Sometimes, when the sun’s coming up, and the surf is good… and I haven’t pissed my wife off quite as much as I have today… I kinda like this place.
Ryan: You just stabbed me again.
Sandy: Oo. Sorry.
The Outsider
Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they’ve been paying for everything. I can’t keep taking their money.
Seth: They’re parents. They work for us.
Ryan: You gonna be okay?
Seth: Yes. Before you moved here all I did was hang out by myself anyways. So it’s really a return to form.
Ryan: When I asked if you wanted to hang out, I was asking you out.
Marissa: I know.
Ryan: I just wanted to clear that up because I’m going to ask you out again.
Ryan: It’s kind of a shady neighborhood. It’s pretty hardcore up there.
Seth: Dude, it’s Long Beach, not Chechnya.
Seth: United, we’re unstoppable, but divided it’s like—
Ryan: People get shot.
Seth: That’s what I’m saying.
The Girlfriend
Sandy: Are we worried your dad won’t love us if we don’t feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh honey, that wasn’t a dig. Seth?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.
Seth: See they’re like puppets and I’m the puppet master.
Ryan: World domination to follow.
Gabrielle: You must think it’s weird, me with an older guy.
Ryan: I live in a pool house.
Seth: It’s fate, it’s destiny. Look, we both like burritos.
Ryan: Wanna eat somewhere else?
Seth oblivious: Who’s winning right now, me or my hair?
Seth: I would like some answers.
Ryan: Yeah, okay. We hooked up.
Seth: What?
Ryan: Isn’t that what you were asking with the whole “exhibit A”?
Seth: I noticed some heavy flirting, yes. You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that’s kinda hot.
The Escape
Seth: The plan is undeniable, Ryan.
Ryan: I’m denying it.
Seth: We have my mom’s Range Rover. We have a perfect alibi as I go to this comic-book convention every year, and we also have my entire life of never doing anything wrong which completely lulls my parents into a false sense of trust.
Ryan: And you wanna throw all that away for Summer in a wet t-shirt doing body shots?
Seth: I’m sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question. Yes, Ryan, yes. On the last weekend before school, one goes to Tijuana. It is tradition. And it is a rite of passage.
And you know what else? What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don’t know, because it stays there. That’s why we must go!
Seth: Check you out. Big pimpin’.
Sandy: Well, I’ve got a meeting with a private law firm.
Ryan: What, are you suing one of their clients?
Sandy: It’s a job interview.
Kirsten: Which he’ll never take. They like to flatter him every once in awhile.
Sandy: Yeah, I go for the free meal.
Ryan: But, I mean, you’re still gonna be a public defender, right?
Kirsten: After 15 years? There’s no way he’s selling out.
Sandy: Well, it’d have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that’s what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.
Marissa: So we’ll just get to Mexico, split up, and we don’t ever have to talk to each other again.
Ryan: Sounds like a plan. By the way, you could’ve knocked first.
Marissa: Did you ever wonder why I came to the pool house. to find you?
Ryan: Every day.
The Rescue
Kirsten: I’m sure she’ll apologize.
Ryan: You are?
Sandy: It’s Julie Cooper we’re talking about.
Dr. Kim: You walk away from this test, you walk away from this school.
Ryan: You’re probably right. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.
Ryan: We’ll figure something out.
Summer: Well we better hurry. Because she just escaped from a psych ward wearing a candy striper outfit. If they didn’t think she was crazy before— Sorry.
Julie: You tell me where she is and I am taking her home. She ran away from a hospital!
Ryan: She ran away from you. Look. You’re from Riverside, right? That’s not too far from where I grew up.
Julie: I am calling the police in like two seconds—
Ryan: And I know this place has everything you never had. And I know you’re afraid you’re going to lose it all, everything you’ve ever wanted.
Julie: I’m done.
Ryan: But what you want and what your daughter wants are two different things.
Julie: You don’t know what she wants!
Ryan: I know what she doesn’t want. She doesn’t want to go to San Diego. And she doesn’t want to live with you.
Julie: I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to any of this.
Marissa: Just say yes.
Sandy: I’ve never heard you talk so much.
Ryan: I like to save it for when it counts.
Sandy: Good. So I heard about what happened with your test today. Or what didn’t happen. You’re suddenly not so talkative. Look I get it. Marissa needed help, you were worried about her. Believe me, I understand. I’m worried about you.
Ryan: I know. I’m okay with going to public school. It’d be a hell of a lot better than where I went.
Sandy: Go to Dr. Kim and explain yourself.
Ryan: I don’t think she wants to hear from me. Ever again.
Sandy: You’re afraid of her. You, who went toe-to-toe with Julie Cooper, the Dragon Lady. You can take Dr. Kim. Talk to her. If there’s a problem, you’ll have your attorney present. I got your back.
Seth: Congratulations, Dude. You’re a Pirate.
Ryan: You guys are the Pirates?
Seth: Yeah I know. It’s a bit minty.
The Heights
Kirsten: How are you doing? Nervous?
Ryan: Why would I be nervous?
Seth: Because we’re going to school with like, 300 Lukes, minus the redeeming social qualities.
Ryan: Everybody’s got something, except me.
Sandy: Well you’ve got Seth.
Ryan: Seth’s got his women.
Sandy: Seth Cohen? Ryan nods. Okay, so… Really?
Anna: Seth doesn’t understand the whole “hard to get” strategy.
Ryan: That’s because he’s not.
The Perfect Couple
Seth: But you have before, right? Wow. That’s what I thought. I just didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Because my experience is sort of limited. And?
Ryan: And what?
Seth: Was it awesome?
Ryan: Which time?
Seth: Ah… There were— I don’t know. How many times were there?
Ryan: Same girl or different girls?
Seth: There were different girls? How many different girls were there? Ryan starts counting in his head. I have to sit down.
Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Ryan: You still play Magic.
Seth: Yeah, but not as much.
Seth: You and Julie Cooper trapped on a boat, huh? Yeah, can’t wait to see how that one goes.
Ryan: I don’t really have a choice, since she’s my girlfriend.
Seth: What? “Girlfriend”? I thought that you didn’t do girlfriends. I mean you did them, but you, you know…
Ryan: I don’t. And this is not a good way to start.
Ryan: Marissa, this event is important. And… on a yacht. And whenever I go to one of these things somebody gets into a fight.
Marissa: So I’m just going to run to the girls’ room. It’s down the hall, right?
Anna: I gotta go too.
Seth: Right. Because girls can’t pee alone. Ryan rolls his eyes. What? It’s Anna. I could have said “pop a squat” in front of her if I wanted to.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Sometimes I do.
Marissa: I’ve never actually slept with someone before.
Ryan: Yeah, me neither. I’m usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.
The Homecoming
Seth: Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is often? I dream about eating so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out at the table. Please don’t deny me that.
Ryan: That’s just weird.
Seth: So you should probably be heading out soon.
Ryan: I gotta finish the stuffing. Then there’s the gravy, candied yams.
Seth: Yeah, and if you find enough cooking to last three to five years, then Trey’ll be out.
Ryan: Trey doesn’t even read comics.
Seth: Yeah, he doesn’t yet, But that’s because he hasn’t seen the new Titans.
Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy’s in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? I’m sure that’ll be fine. But, yeah. The new Legion is cooler.
Ryan: Hey man. What are you doing?
Seth: Not… lying with Captain Oats.
Marissa: Why are you on the floor?
Seth: I figured I’d just end up her anyway so might as well cut out the middleman.
Ryan: Well looks like things went pretty well.
Seth: Yeah, same for you. Nice shiner.
Marissa: Yeah. So can we sit with you and Captain Oats?
Seth: Yeah. Please. Hey, nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork. So what’d your brother say?
Ryan: Goodbye.
Seth: So Chino was, ah….
Ryan: It’s good to be home.
Marissa: Hey. So Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that’s extremely minty of you. I didn’t even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn’t even
know they had dancing. Or… laughter.
Ryan: That’s because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree that I’m the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving. It’s heartwarming.
The Secret
Seth: Do I have a fever? I think I might have a fever and/or the chills.
Ryan: Since when?
Seth: Since recently.
Sandy: So you’re not feeling well?
Seth: No, I feel fine. coughs. Just my head’s a little achy and my stomach’s kind of weird. I’m okay.
Sandy: C’mere. feels his forehead. Huh. You don’t feel warm.
Seth: What about cold or clammy?
Ryan: Maybe you’ve got the Summer flu.
Seth: Yeah, it’s November, but it’s possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need some Anna-biotics.
Seth defiantly: Hey! I’m not afraid of Summer and Anna, alright? *beat* Well, I’m not afraid of Anna.
Ryan: So you’re going to school.
Sandy: And you’re going to yogalates.
Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? I kinda do. To Ryan Yogalates?
Ryan: Yogalates.
Luke: This is going to be weird.
Ryan: Yep.
Luke: Everybody’s going to be staring at me and talking.
Marissa: Yep.
Luke: Maybe I can just blow the whole thing off. Go to the beach, give everybody time to get it out of their systems.
Ryan: It doesn’t work like that. It’s been months and I’m still the kid from Chino that burned a house down.
Marissa: And I’m still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I’m still… I’m still Seth Cohen.
Luke: Man this is going to suck.
Seth: Yeah, well, welcome to my world.
The Best Chrismukkah Ever
Seth: So what’s it going to be, huh? Do you want your menorah or candy cane? Hm? Hanukkah or Christmas?
Ryan: Uh…
Seth: Uh uh. Don’t worry about it, buddy. Because in this house you don’t have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something that I like to call Chrismukkah.
Ryan: Chrismukkah?
Seth: That’s right. It’s the new holiday Ryan, and it’s sweeping the nation.
Ryan: What are you wrapping?
Seth: Two Seth Cohen Starter Packs. We’ve got Death Cab, we’ve got Brighteyes, we’ve got The Shins. we’ve got Kavalier and Clay. And we’ve got Goonies. It’s not
just for kids, Ryan. It’s not. I don’t care what they tell you.
Ryan: You’re really starting to scare me.
Seth: I’m okay with that.
Ryan: You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: I’ve got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.
Seth: How was the mall?
Ryan: Eh, weird.
Seth: Yes. You’ve really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.
Ryan: Marissa picked up a few things. Without paying for them.
Seth: What, as in?
Ryan: Shoplifting.
Yeah.
Seth: Yeah, that’s weird.
Julie: I hate the holidays.
Ryan: Right there with you.
Ryan getting pulled over with Marissa and an open bottle: Of course this is happening.
Marissa: Stop, okay? You’re scaring me!
Ryan: Good. You’re scaring me.
Ryan: There’s drinking, crying, cops. Well then it must be Christmas. I left this behind. I am not doing it again.
Marissa: Okay. Okay.
Seth: How was your night?
Ryan: Marissa got drunk and we got pulled over by the cops with an open container of vodka.
Seth: Hey. That Marissa, she’s really making life interesting for you.
Ryan: Yeah. We got into a fight.
Seth: What about the cop?
Ryan: He got a radio call. Let us off with a warning for the busted tail light. Now you see why I hate Christmas.
Seth: Hang on a second. Ryan. Um, it seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah miracle.
Seth: Is that what I think it is.
Ryan: Yeah. Figured I’d hang it.
Seth: Alright man, another Chrismukkah convert!
The Countdown
Marissa: I love you. Silence. I mean— I didn’t mean. I…
Ryan: Thank you… ?
Marissa: Uh. You’re welcome?
Hailey Nichol: Who the hell are you?
Ryan: It’s a long story. Who the hell are you?
Hailey Nichol: It doesn’t work that way, dude. It’s my pool house.
Ryan: Actually, dude, it’s my pool house.
Hailey Nichol: So this is yours. You want it back?
Ryan: I’ve got plenty, thanks.
Seth: Why don’t you just go to this party? I don’t understand.
Ryan: Because we had plans and… because, I mean, who’s Oliver?
Seth: Okay. As long as you’re clear on your motivation.
Kirsten: She said “I love you”?
Sandy: So what’d you say back?
Seth: “Thank you”.
Ryan: Thank you.
Sandy: Well that was polite.
Ryan to Seth: You’ve gotten really glib.
Seth: I can’t leave Hailey here. The place will get trashed. Come on, man, she’s insane.
Ryan: You said she was awesome.
Seth: Insanely awesome.
Ryan: So. Tell her. Party’s over.
Seth: Right. Except I don’t want to be the dad. Okay? Listen, telling my aunt she’s can’t have a party, that’s embarrassing. You do it.
Ryan: It’s your house.
Seth: Right. And it’s your girlfriend with some dude named Oliver. I’m just trying to help you track your motivation.
Ryan: She’s a part of your family.
Seth: Right. And the Cohens are notorious for conflict avoidance. But the Atwoods, they thrive on it. You are the man for this.
Ryan: I’m not gonna win this argument.
Seth: No.
Ryan: Okay.
Seth: I can’t breathe.
Ryan: What?
Seth: I’m claustrophobic.
Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
Seth: Shh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
Ryan: Want a sandwich, a shower? We got all that here.
Seth: Ha ha ha. We’re gonna die and I’m the glib one?
Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
Seth: Yes, which currently are looking out on naked dudes, man. We’re trapped like rats.
Ryan: Rats in an enormous pool house! By the way, your aunt’s really cool.
Seth: Yeah I know, she’s be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt’s strangling me.
Ryan: Great, my girlfriend’s kissing some guy and I’m stuck here with a lunatic.
Hailey: There’s a girl out there that wants to kill me.
Ryan: Just one?
Ryan: Let’s go. We gotta clear this party out.
Seth: It’s what I do best.
Ryan: I love you.
Marissa: What?
Ryan: I love you.
Marissa: Thank you.
The Third Wheel
Seth: Mom, as someone who’s basically been a shut-in for the last 17 years of his life I can pretty much say with the greatest authority, that woman never leaves the house.
Kirsten: She’s got nowhere else to go.
Ryan about Hailey: That’s because all her friends want to kick her ass. pause Sorry about the language.
Sandy: Why? I’d like to kick her ass.
Seth: What happened to Seth-Ryan time? That was quality time.
Ryan: Okay, I know I’ve been a little bit—
Seth: Ah, whipped?
Ryan: I’m not whipped.
Seth: Anna and I have decided to take it to the next level and I need some advice.
Ryan: You’re going to have sex.
Seth: No. That’s a good idea though.
Seth: Hey. Later, can we please finish this chat? Put a little Seth-Ryan time on the books?
Ryan: Yes, yes. Absolutely. Just gotta check with…
Seth: Oh, you forgot your balls.
Luke: New year’s resolution: punch people less.
Ryan: Yeah. Mine, too.
The Links
Sandy: Alright. One more.
Ryan: No. No more.
Sandy: Oh come on! You were so good at the driving range.
Ryan: I don’t play golf.
Seth: Not true, buddy! You just don’t play well.
Sandy: And you know, there’s plenty more to do in Palm Springs other than play golf. You could spa.
Ryan: I don’t spa.
Sandy: You don’t play golf, you don’t spa. What do you do?
Seth: Ah. But he’s very good with the ladies.
Sandy: Very good with the ladies.
Ryan: He’s standing right here holding a golf club.
Sandy: Yeah. But you don’t know how to use it.
Ryan: Right. So I’m not going to Palm Springs.
Ryan: I don’t do nice and easy.
Marissa: You don’t have a problem with Oliver, do you?
Ryan: Nah. I mean, guy
shows up out of nowhere and suddenly he’s hanging around all the time.
Marissa: Yeah. A guy shows up out of the blue. Knows no one, abandoned by his family. Sound familiar?
Ryan: A little bit.
Marissa: Look. You did something nice for him and now he wants to repay you.
Ryan: By playing golf?
Marissa: Yeah, well. It’ll be fun.
Ryan: You’ve never seen me play golf.
Marissa: Then I guess it’ll be especially fun for me.
Oliver: Marissa was filling me in on some of the details on our ride down.
Ryan: She was?
Oliver: Yeah. But I mean, just in terms of how amazing it is you’re so healthy. Well-adjusted. Considering.
Ryan: Considering?
Luke about Oliver: I could hurt that guy.
Ryan: So could I.
Ryan: Next time you want to be alone with my girlfriend, let me know so I can stay home.
The Rivals
Seth: You did accuse the guy of faking a suicide attempt.
Ryan: No I didn’t. I just didn’t believe him.
Seth: Oh. Okay. Hard to believe such blind compassion upset Marissa. You should go work things out.
Ryan: I don’t trust him. Something about Oliver’s… off.
Seth: Yeah. He tried to kill himself. Or he faked it, man. Either way, it’s pretty off.
Ryan: Why would I be jealous?
Seth: Because Oliver’s insanely wealthy and well-traveled?
The Dapper Don.
Ryan: I’m not.
Seth: But on the other hand, he’s also clinically depressed and chemically dependent. So it all comes out in the wash really.
The Truth
Ryan: I know you want me to say I’m sorry, but I’m not. Oliver admitted it right to my face. He told me he wanted me gone so he could get to Marissa.
Sandy: Then why would he drop the assault charges against you?
Sandy: Come on, Ryan. Talk to me.
Ryan: What’s the point? You’re not going to believe me anyway.
Sandy: It’s not about what I believe. I wish it was. It’s about what you did. The next time you feel like raising your fist you had better open your mouth and talk. I’m here for that.
Oliver Trask: If you don’t give it up, it’s over.
Ryan: Hey Oliver? It’s far from over.
Sandy: Where’re you going?
Ryan: I think Marissa’s in trouble, I’m just going to make sure she’s okay.
Sandy: Give me the keys.
Ryan: I have to go, okay.
Sandy: Give me the keys.
Ryan: You said if I needed your help, I could come to you.
Sandy: Give me the keys… I’ll drive.
Ryan: I know what it’s like to be abandoned by your parents, your friends. To have no one in your life that believes you. But if you put the gun down you get a second chance.
Seth: So do you want to tell me about your night, or—since I heard about it—can we just skip to my breakup with Anna?
Ryan: Really? Anna broke up with you?
Seth: Now why would you just assume Anna broke up with me?
Ryan: Seth, come on.
Seth: What does that mean?
Ryan: What, she didn’t break up with you?
Seth: No, she did, but you’re supposed to have my back.
The Heartbreak
Seth: I’m a man now. And not just like an after-your-Bar-Mitzvah-man, but a man man. I had sex with a girl. Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
Ryan: That bad.
Seth: No! Not that bad. Just, just kinda weird.
Ryan: Weird?
Seth: Not kinky weird, more like weird awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time, she’s a more experienced woman. That’s to be expected. And I did… make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can’t. And there’s also sort of a whiny noise that came out towards the end […]. It sucked so bad. I was a fish, flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.
Seth: Things with Summer now are more messed up than they were before the awful fish sex.
Ryan: I wouldn’t refer to it as “Fish Sex” again.
Seth rubs his eye and squints.
Ryan: What’d you do to your eye?
Seth: It’s just a little bit blurry. Summer poked me in it with her big toe.
Ryan: What? Why?
Seth: I don’t know, man. It was an accident.
There were limbs everywhere. I’m lucky I can still see.
Ryan: So you guys did the deed again?
Seth: Technically yes. But it wasn’t pretty. I think I have a spinal injury.
Ryan: Maybe next time you should wear a helmet, mouth guard.
Sandy: Hey. If I teach you guys anything, don’t ever get married.
Ryan: I’ve heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh you’ll hear it from me again. I’ll be at the bar.
Theresa (Navi Rawat): So do you go to a lot of these kinds of events?
Ryan: Pretty much every week.
The Telenovela
Ryan about Marissa: We’ll just go back to being friends.
Seth: When were you guys ever friends? Was it when you were beating up her boyfriend or, ah, spooning in a Tijuana motel? Is that when you were friends?
Ryan: Yeah, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Does it?
Seth: I don’t know.
Ryan: There’s no such thing as just ice cream in Newport. Instead of car washes they have auto spas. Dogs have day care. Fashion Island has valet parking. It’s a weird place.
The Goodbye Girl
Sandy: Do you want to know what I think?
Ryan: You’re going to tell me either way, right?
Sandy: Like my own son.
Seth: So she’s leaving.
Ryan: No, she’s staying.
Seth: What? Did you talk to Anna?
Ryan: Anna?
Seth: She’s moving back to Pittsburgh.
Ryan: Anna’s going back to Pittsburgh?
Seth: Uh… not anymore according to you.
Ryan: I’m totally confused.
Seth: She—Anna—is leaving.
Ryan: She—Theresa—is staying.
Seth: Right got it. So she really is moving.
Ryan: It sucks.
Seth: I think it’s because of me. I can’t believe I caused a girl to leave the state. The county, maybe, sure. Fine.
Ryan: You really think it’s ’cause of you?
Seth: Well, I mean, we broke up, she went back East. She had a great time. She comes back, only to see me standing on a coffee cart declaring my eternal love for Summer.
Ryan: Maybe she just doesn’t feel that comfortable here. Not everyone does.
Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is ’cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can’t ask her if it’s ’cause of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I’m not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me.
Ryan: Huh?
Seth: Me.
Ryan: Sorry.
Seth: Me.
Ryan: Just thinking about Theresa.
Ryan: You and Anna, you guys talk?
Seth: Do not change the subject to me because I am powerless not to talk about it. I tried and she gave me a list of reasons why she’s leaving.
Ryan: You didn’t make the cut, did you?
Seth: But she’s lying. I want her to know that, you know, I’m sorry I hurt her feelings but she doesn’t have to do this. She shouldn’t be doing this.
Ryan: Then just tell her.
Seth: “Just tell her.” Simple. Honest. Direct. No wonder I never considered it. Okay fine. I will. I’ll tell her tonight but I have to have a little bubbly first. A little veritas and vino, know what I mean?
Ryan: Hardly ever.
Ryan: Thanks for teaching me how to waltz.
Anna: Have the best life. You deserve it.
Seth: Come on, man, her flight leaves soon. Can we hurry?
Ryan: We’re doing 75 in a 65, alright?
Seth: “75 in a 65”? Everyone knows 80’s the new 75.
Ryan: What? Who talks like that?
Seth: What is up with this AC? My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Ryan: AC’s fine.
Seth: What is this music?
Ryan to Seth: Do not insult Journey, alright?
Like this quote? Check out the shirt.
Seth: What if the girl I’m supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
Ryan: What if she went back to Chino?
Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? pause. Kidding.
Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we have each other.
Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I’ll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. It’s quality time.
Ryan: Thanks, buddy. I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he’s doing right now.
Seth: Discovering fire. Hunting and gathering. Shaving his chest with a buck knife. You guys could do that together.
The L.A.
Seth: So, then, did you take your watch off during the deed or… what exactly?
Ryan: Wanna wait in the car? I can pick something up from the front desk myself.
Seth: No, that’s cool. I’ve got more questions. So then, I don’t understand. Did you take it off during foreplay? Was it before foreplay? Now that would seem presumptuous but I—
Ryan: No seriously. Seriously. Stay in there, leave the radio on, window up—
Seth: Because I like to leave the watch on, Ryan. I like to leave it on and know how I’m doing. If I’m beating my old time. The thing is, it’s sort of a sex marathon, not a sex sprint.
Seth: This is a good time for you, okay Ryan Atwood? This is Clean Slate Ryan, Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.
Ryan: You’re right. I guess I really do have a clean slate.
Seth: You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it’s been nothing but lady drama with you. Marissa, Theresa. Luke, Oliver, Eddie. Dude, I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it.
Ryan: I am kinda tired.
Seth: You should be. You know what, you’re going to get a break ’cause you deserve it. I think I’m going to declare this month “Angst-free Ryan” Month.
Seth about Julie and Luke: Maybe they’re not having sex. Maybe they just go to a motel to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.
Ryan: You’re right, that’s probably it.
Ryan about The Valley: Is that Grady?
Seth: Yeah.
Ryan: He’s kinda like you.
Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.
Seth: Oh god, he is like me. He is like me except with his own TV show.
Ryan: I was kidding.
Ryan: You don’t even know if your parents are going to let us go.
Seth: I’m handling it.
Ryan: So you’re going to lie to them.
Seth: No, that was the old me. I have evolved and now I’m a man of honor,
Ryan. So I’m gonna need you to talk to them. That’s more your specialty.
Ryan: Seems like you’re making a lot of things my specialty these days.
Seth: Yeah, Great leadership’s all about delegation.
Ryan: So now I’m your employee?
Seth: No. We’re partners.
Ryan: What do you do?
Seth: I’m working on the business plan, okay? And that’s going to be awesome.
Ryan: Okay, here’s the thing. Not going to L.A. ’cause I’m not going, that’s not independent. To be really independent we both need to go to L.A. independently. But together at the same time.
Marissa: Okay, you’re starting to sound like Seth.
Ryan: I know. It rubs off.
Ryan about Grady: How does that guy play high school?
Seth: Hollywood, man.
Luke: Hey man, what’s up?
Ryan: Nothing. So … did you have sex with Julie Cooper today?
The Nana
Luke: Hey, Cohen, get up.
Seth: It’s my precious, you can’t have it!
Julie: I would love to stay and chat with you, Ryan. But I have to find my daughter.
Ryan: Not if I find her first.
Seth: So what’s the GPRA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You’re just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah. They save time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have friends that don’t.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game Plan?
Seth: Good point.
Ryan to Marissa: What about your dad? Caitlin? Summer? What about me? What am I supposed to do without you? I’ll get over you eventually, but it’ll take awhile.
Sandy: So how was everything at home?
Ryan: You tell me. I was in Chino.
The Proposal
Seth walking in on Ryan donning a wifebeater: Hey! Oh… sorry. I’m surprised that hasn’t happened before. Not saying I’m disappointed it hasn’t happened before I’m just saying the mathematical probability of…
Ryan: Yeah. Crying during chick flicks, walking in on me getting dressed…
Seth: Yeah, what’s your point, okay? I’m not seeing what you’re getting at. Do you work out?
Ryan: Not really.
Seth: Cool, me neither. I’m gonna go watch some hockey.
Ryan: Hockey season’s over.
Seth: Dammit. Where are you going?
Ryan: I’m gonna go find Luke. Beat the crap out of him.
Seth: Oh. Where shall this can of whoop-ass be opened?
Ryan: I don’t know I’m gonna go down to his house, try the pier…
Seth: Have you considered our backyard?
Ryan to Marissa: You know what we haven’t done in a while? kisses her
Marissa: If my mom marries him she’s going to be the most powerful woman in Newport.
Ryan: Not if you tell him the truth.
Marissa about Seth: He’s getting weirder.
Ryan: I didn’t think that was possible.
Ryan: Just give me your keys, let me drive you home okay?
Luke: What home?!
Seth: She’ll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan: How do you know about the Care Bear Stare?
The Shower
Marissa: Standing my ground is not really my strong suit.
Ryan: That’s true.
Ryan about Julie: I can’t believe your mom was into heavy metal.
Kirsten: I can’t believe she ever went to Anaheim.
Ryan to Seth: Let go of me. Now.
Marissa: Is Ryan leaving?
Seth: Yeah. {pause} Oh, he took your car.
The Strip
Sandy: Not that I have any affection for you, Caleb. You know that. But I do love The Vegas.
Seth: I didn’t know you loved The Vegas, Dad.
Sandy: I love The Vegas. Ryan, how do you feel about The Vegas?
Ryan: I’ve never been to The Vegas. My mom was all about The Reno.
Ryan: Actually I think your dad might be going to Vegas this weekend.
Marissa: How do you know?
Ryan: ‘Cause I might be going to Vegas this weekend?
Marissa: For what?
Ryan: Caleb’s bachelor party.
Marissa: What? With, like, strippers and prostitutes and showgirls?
Ryan: Yeah. I don’t know. I hope so.
Seth: Why quit when you’re ahead?
Ryan: ‘Cause if we don’t, Angry Trucker Hat over there is gonna hurt me.
Seth: Maybe he’s not angry at you. Maybe he’s angry ’cause he found out people don’t wear trucker hats anymore.
The Ties The Bind
Seth: Thor. That’s a strong name. No one’s gonna mess with Thor.
Ryan: Thanks.
Seth: Seth’s a good name for a boy too. Although at Camp Takahoe I was often referred to as a girl. So I guess it works either way.
Ryan: Can we not play the name game?
Sandy: You’re not in school.
Ryan: Yeah, we were at the doctor’s office.
Kirsten: Is everything okay?
Seth: Yeah, it’s fine.
Theresa: I’m pregnant.
Seth: Well, except for that.
Marissa: I think we should spend this whole summer just being normal.
Ryan: We’re not holding Seth to that are we?
Marissa: No, no. That’d be impossible.
Ryan: You’re talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse, too. But that never worries anyone.
Ryan: It worried me.
Seth: I think it was on this very stretch of beach where we first got our asses kicked by the water polo team.
Ryan: Yeah. Could be.
Seth: Yes, it definitely tastes the same.
Marissa: Wait, when was that?
Ryan: When I first got here.
Seth: Yeah it was after the fashion show at Holly’s beach house.
Summer: You guys were at that party?
Seth: Those were the days.
Ryan: I’ve been thinking. I think… I need to go back. I can’t let Theresa do this by herself. I’m leaving.