Seth: If you’re alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I’m alone.
Seth: Okay, it’s not as stealth but it works too.
Ryan: Where are you?
Seth: Well remember last night when I said I was going to bed?
Ryan: Didn’t happen, huh?
Seth: Ah, no, it did. Just not my bed. But I did bring my favorite pillow.
Sandy: Woah! Top of the morning to you too.
Kirsten: Happy Anniversary.
Sandy after an akward pause: Happy Anniversary to you as well.
Kirsten: I love you.
Sandy: I love you too. Oh, I love you more now than I did nineteen years ago.
Kirsten: You mean you love me more now than you did a year after we got married?
Sandy: No! Come on. No, you know what I’m saying. That Newlywed year, that doesn’t count. It’s a given.
Kirsten: You don’t know how long we’ve been married.
Sandy: No! No. I was kidding you. I know it’s our twentieth. How could I forget that? Who forgets their twentieth anniversary?
Kirsten: Apparently you.
Seth: If we were buddy cops—and sometimes I like to think that we are—I’d be riddled with bullets right now.
Summer: You know, no offense Ryan but you’re a really bad liar.
Julie: Cal, this photoshoot is important. You could at least feign interest.
Caleb: That’s exactly what I’m doing.
Julie: So listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photospread on us. Now I think it’s a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of this family. It’s wonderful exposure.
Marissa: Any chance to expose yourself, huh?
Julie: Promise you’ll be here, you’ll wear something Marc Jacobs and you won’t be off with your boyfriend.
Ryan: Even if I wanted to lie about it I can’t. I can’t lie.
Lindsay: What do you mean? You have like a moral objection?
Ryan: No, I mean I can’t do it. I suck at it.
Sandy: Nothing like a little Julie Cooper to strike terror in the hearts of children everywhere.
Summer: Do you know half of Orange County speaks Spanish and we’re learning how to order baguettes.
Marissa: What happens with Seth and Alex has nothing to do with you and Zach.
Summer: I know. But I always thought that I would have sex first and that Cohen would catch syphilis in a public toilet.
Sandy: All we do is send them to their room to do their homework. What are they going to learn?
Kirsten: Their homework.
Sandy: Maybe we could log some parent-child time right now.
Kirsten: Watching teevee?
Sandy: Why not? It’s Bill O’Reilly. That’ll be punishment enough.
Sandy: We can not fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?
Seth: Who wants blueberry pancakes?
Ryan: Banana?
Seth: Or if you’re feeling sinful, chocolate chip.
Kirsten: Not gonna happen.
Sandy: Too little too late.
Kirsten: Nice try.
Sandy: No way.
Alex: Wow. No dad has ever asked me to straighten out his son before.
Sandy: I really don’t like going behind his back. But I think sometimes in order to be a good dad you gotta be a bad guy.
Alex: Don’t have much experience with good dads.
Sandy: Hey, well listen, you stop over at the house anytime, Kirsten and I will be more than happy to ground you too.
Seth: Maybe my magic hands can be of service.
Alex: What are we doing?
Seth: I call this part “prepping the oven.”
Alex: No. What are we doing in a larger sense?
Seth: Did something happen?
Alex: Your parents are worried about you.
Seth: My parents? How would you even know about… Did my dad come by the club?
Alex: Your dad stopped by the club.
Seth: Oh… that’s embarassing.
Alex: I’ve never listened to my own parents. Suddenly I feel compelled to listen to yours.
Seth: Sandy Cohen has that effect on people.
Kirsten: I’m not letting the boys stay with Julie Cooper, but they can’t be left alone.
Sandy: Honey. Teenagers. They like girls.
Kirsten: One of which happens to be my sister.
Sandy: So what, we’re gonn forbid him?
Kirsten: Not you. You wouldn’t forbid them anything. You’re too busy being their best friend. I’m the one that has to enforce all the rules.
Sandy: I’ve never done more grounding than I have in the last twenty-four hours!
Kirsten: Who let Seth run away to Portland?
Sandy: What, we’re talking about this now?
Kirsten: You went up there and told him he could stay.
Sandy: It’s a good thing I did! If I let you drag him home we could have lost him forever.
Kirsten: But that’s why this is happening! Because he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you’ll just keep me from coming down on him.
Sandy: You think somebody can stop you from coming down on somebody?
Kirsten: Right. And I should find it adorable that you forgot our anniversary!
Photographer: Okay, if you could all smile.
Caleb: I am smiling, dammit.
Lindsay: Two hours ago I had a sister and a boyfriend. Now all I have are friends.
Ryan: Wait. What?
Lindsay: Before I came here I talked to Kirsten and she asked me without asking me to choose. Between a sister and a boyfriend. And genius that I am, I chose you. Had I known that you had this whole “time and space” plan I might have chosen differently.
Officer Joe: I don’t know how they did it, Sandy, but we went outside for a second and they were gone.
Summer: It is impossible. There is so much news. You know the worst part is, it is constantly changing. If everything could just stop, one day maybe I could catch up.
Marissa: Who’s Kofi Annan?
Summer: Some guy Zach’s mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.
Kirsten: You planned all this?
Sandy: I prefer the term orchestrated.