The Avengers
Summer answering her cell phone: Hello?
Taylor: Bonjour!
Summer: Taylor? Oh my god.
Taylor: I think you mean, “mon dieu”, Summer. Yes, c’est moi.
Summer: How’s Paris?
Taylor: Incroyable. You know, being an ex-pat totally suits me. Except that I miss you. You can only parlez so much français until you start to get a little nostalgic for the motherland.
Summer: I don’t do sarcasm anymore. I’m post-ironic.
Seth: You mean earnest?
Taylor: Oh my god. Summer.
Summer: I just talked to you. You were in France.
Taylor: And you were in Rhode Island. It’s amazing the way this world works.
Ryan: Summer.
Summer: Hey Atwood.
Ryan: So you came here to talk.
Summer: You’re not talking. I got it. It’s great to see you too. I really like what you’ve done with your whole face. So I’m gonna need you to come with me now.
Ryan: Can’t do it. Gotta work.
Summer: Right. Running that germy rag across those filthy tables is really important stuff. Look I just flew 3,000 miles—
Ryan: I didn’t ask you to.
Summer: No. Seth did. He’s worried about you. So are the Cohens. I know you think that you’re protecting them but you’re not. You’re just hurting them. Besides, Seth keeps leaving me these endless, whiny messages that are totally clogging up my voicemail. Ryan, c’mon, take a deep breath. Just let me do what I do best.
Ryan: Which is what?
Summer: Giving orders. Just do what I say, Atwood. One last time.
The Gringos
Summer finding Taylor in her dorm room: Will you tell me what’s going on. First you’re in Newport when you’re supposed to be in France. Then your mom shows up and you run away. How did you get here before me? Do you have a secret twin? Because that would explain so much.
Taylor shocked: When was the last time you shaved your legs? It’s like a forest, and— more shocked. Oh my god, your toenails!
Summer: Okay, yeah, I don’t do that stuff anymore.
Taylor: Obviously. You’ve got hobbit feet.
Taylor: Look. You wanna be the next Julia Butterfly Hill, I support that. But to to push away Seth for some guy who read Siddhartha and did a couple of Outward Bound courses—
Summer: What? Are you talking about Che? Che is just my friend and that is all. This is not a love triangle. I don’t do love triangles anymore.
Taylor: Fine. But you’re using him and all of this Save the Earth stuff to hide from Seth.
Summer: I am not hiding from Seth.
Taylor: Really? Well. How often do you call him? Once a week? Once a month?
Summer: Taylor, you got married!
Taylor: It was Paris. It seemed like the thing to do.
The Cold Turkey
Seth: I still can’t believe you had no reaction to my tattoo.
Summer: I had a reaction. I told you to get that thing removed.
Sandy: Summer! How’re you doing?
Summer: Better than the 2.8 billion people living below the poverty level. Are you okay with that statistic, Mr. Cohen? I don’t think so. That’s why I have to go.
Sandy: Who knew out of all you kids she’d turn out to be the young Sandy Cohen.
Seth: Had to rub off on someone.
Summer: Hey.
Julie: Hey.
Summer: Where’s my dad?
Julie: Gone.
Summer: Kaitlin?
Julie: Gone. We can’t go on like this anymore, can we?
Summer: No.
The Metamorphosis
Therapist: I’m proud of you, Summer. You’ve made astounding progress. And all in one week.
Summer: Well it’s kind of a relief in a way. Now I can go back to being me.
Therapist: What do you mean by that?
Summer: Well this whole “Save the Planet” thing. It was a crutch, right? And nothing against handicapped people, but, ew.
Summer kisses Seth
Seth: Careful, lady. My girlfriend’s gonna be here any second.
Summer punching Seth: Shut up, Cohen.
Seth: Hey. You just punched me. My baby’s back.
The Sleeping Beauty
Summer: Did you find out what they were doing with them?
Che: Huh. It doesn’t matter. If it wasn’t evil they wouldn’t have to keep them locked up in cages like animals.
Che: Summer, have I accomplished anything this semester?
Summer: Are you kidding? Che, there would be no political activism at Brown without you. Oh my god, are you getting kicked out?
Che: No. But I think you might be.
Summer: What?
Che: Yeah, they needed a scapegoat. You said yourself that I’m too important to the movement, so…
The Summer Bummer
Dean: I’m afraid you’re no longer a student here.
Summer: But my dad is living in Seattle with the step-monster. And Taylor Townsend is sleeping in my old bed. And Seth is moving out here so we can be together.
Dean: Ms. Roberts, you need to go home.
Summer: This is my home.
Summer to Pancakes: It’s just you and me now.
Che: Back at the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off of the fumes from your burning flesh.
Che: Dark.
Seth: I’m gonna go so Ryan Atwood on his ass.
Summer: Wait. Come on, Cohen, I don’t like this.
Seth ominously: Neither will Che.
Summer: Kaitlin, what’s going on?
Kaitlin: Just having a few friends over in my house.
Summer: It’s my house. I think.
Kaitlin: Okay, freak. Summer, why is this guy handcuffed to your wrist?
Summer: There’s no one handcuffed to my wrist. He doesn’t exist.
Kaitlin: Also kind of freaky.
Summer: Cohen, you’re here!
Seth: Yeah. And I want to see what this guy’s got to say for himself.
Che: Please, Seth. Summer and I are on a journey together.
Summer: Huh?
Che: A journey towards the truth.
Seth ominously: You’re on a journey. To the pool.
Summer still handcuffed to Che: What? No! Cohen!
Che: Just know I hate myself more than you can ever hate me.
Summer: I’m capable of a lot of hate.
Seth: It’s true.
The Chrismukk-huh?
Sandy: Kirsten.
Summer: What happened?
Kirsten: Taylor and Ryan, they were hanging decorations and I guess the ladder fell.
Seth: What did the doctor say?
Kirsten: Well, they said apparently there’s no serious injury. We just have to wait for them wake up.
Summer: Well somebody should find Taylor’s mom. I guess I’ll do that.
Seth: Look at you signing up for the suicide mission.
Alt-Summer: So wait, you’re saying that you ride horses in the valley?
Alt-Seth: No no. I like plastic horses and the show The Valley.
Alt-Summer: Hey! I like that show too and plastic horses. What’s your’s name?
Alt-Seth: Uh, Princess Sparkle. Wait, no no. I mean Captain Oats. I just said Princess Sparkle ’cause I think that’s a really cool name.
Alt-Summer: No way. You are not going to believe this…
Alt-Sandy: So? Are you gonna explain yourself?
Ryan: The truth is things the way they are now are completely wrong.
Alt-Summer: Who’s this random guy we’re all listening to and why am I not drunk yet?
The Earth Girls Are Easy
Taylor: Don’t worry, Summer. I’m sure we’ll pass a 24-hour pharmacy at some point.
Summer: The symbolism window closed at midnight. We’ll do it in the morning.
Summer: How did I get here? How did I go from being an Ivy League Al Gore-in-the-making to a knocked up college drop-out with a boyfriend that forgets to pack his toothbrush when he travels? How did this happen?
Taylor: You know what? It’s a new year. We all get a fresh start. Okay? You and me and Seth and Ryan. We can all be whatever we want to be. And everything negative will be left in last year.
Summer: Is that gonna like squirt invisible ink or something?
Seth: No. But it will make you engaged to me.
Summer: What? Are you insane.
Seth: Possibly. But I’m certain of this.
The My Two Dads
Taylor: You got engaged? Oh my god! Why didn’t you say something sooner?
Summer: Denial.
Taylor: Hm. How romantic.
Summer: Taylor, I can not break it off. You should have seen his face when he asked me. He’s never been that sincere in his entire life. Usually everything he says is laced with irony and contempt. But he meant it. So did I.
Taylor: Except you didn’t. Not really. Summer, you have to tell him how you really feel. Okay. Great. I’ve always wanted to plan a wedding. I’m thinking bagpipes. Maybe a replica of the Starship Enterprise.
Taylor: So what are you going to do? Level with him and tell him the truth?
Summer: Frak that. He wants a game of chicken he’s gonna get it. I’m goin’ Bridezilla on his ass.
Seth: Diamonds. Sure sure. Well if we’re really doing this we better do it right.
Summer: Exactly. Which means nothing less than 2 carats.
Seth: Why not three. You’re worth it.
Summer: Oh! My brisket is burning.
Julie: I like it chewy.
Summer: Julie, I really appreciate you helping me by filling in for Rabbi Gutterman. But this just is not working.
Julie: Right. And whenever you want to let me know what “this” is, I’m all ears. As much as I’ve enjoyed learning the Hebrew alphabet with you.
Summer: This is a ridiculous sham. Not that I don’t look forward to one day becoming Jewish.
Julie: Did Seth dare you to do this?
Summer: Um, in a way, yes. We’re engaged.
Julie: Oh.
Julie: And now you don’t want to call it off because you’ll hurt his feelings. Summer shakes her head. Or ’cause if you do he’ll get the upper hand.
Summer: Exactly.
Julie: Now we’re talking my kind of dating game.
Summer: Manipulating the opposite sex. God, Julie! Why didn’t I come to you earlier?
Julie: Thank you, Summer. Look, if you want to take him down you have to kick it up a notch. It’s called chutzpah.
Summer: I think it’s “chutz”. Chutzpah.
Julie: Chutzpah.
Summer: Chutz-
Julie: Chutz-
Summer: Never mind. What are you thinking?
Summer: C’mon. No stops, no excuses. I am marrying you tonight.
Seth: Not if I marry you first.
The French Connection
Summer: A Season for Peaches? You know I’m reading this. This is dirty.
Taylor: Excuse me. The girl just has a healthy sex drive.
Summer: Yeah, for a hooker.
Taylor: Would you just give me that!
Holly: I was really anorexic when I wore it—not to brag.
Summer: Oh. Good for you.
Summer: I just kind of got engaged.
Che: That’s amazing. I’ll weave you guys something ASAP.
The Dream Lover
Summer: How’s Seth? See I kinda turned down his proposal and never heard from him again.
Ryan: Proposal? That’s the first time I’m hearing about it.
Summer: Right. For a week now Seth has been off the map. You expect me to believe that not once did he mention anything about a proposal going awry?
Ryan: Right. Well. He had pink eye.
Summer: Pink Eye? Did you have pink eye too?
Ryan: What? Why?
Summer: Well, ’cause Taylor said she didn’t hear from you either and she’s asking about you.
Ryan: Well, see, that was because I was helping him with his recovery. And waiting for Henri-Michel to leave.
Summer: Your pink eye’s all clear.
Seth: Pink eye?
Summer: Yeah. The reason why I haven’t heard from you. I talked to Ryan.
Che: It was his sciatica.
Seth: Yeah. When it gets in the eye, it’s— it goes pink.
Summer: Hey Seth, it’s me. Just calling to see how you’re feeling. Hope that crazy 24-hour flu thing cleared up. And also I don’t believe that you have the flu. Okay, bye.
Summer: Hey Seth, it’s me. Just calling to see how you’re feeling. Hope that crazy 24-hour flu thing cleared up. And also I don’t believe that you have the flu. Okay, bye.
Summer: Now you’re going to tell me why I just had to lie to my friend?
Ryan: Ah, because I need to see her.
Summer: Because?
Ryan: I need to tell her how I feel. What?
Summer: Nothing. It’s just you don’t really strike me as the coffee cart type.
Ryan: And what does that mean?
Summer: Look, I’m sure you’ve changed. Being with Taylor made you more expressive, but articulating your feelings to your girlfriend, kind of a challenge.
Ryan: Yeah, but if I don’t make some sort of declaration —
Summer: You might lose her. Okay. You just need to take a deep breath, look inside, and say what’s from your heart.
Ryan: I can do that.
Summer: Good. One more thing. Taylor has a super big heart and she’s super forgiving, but there is a French guy circling like a great white shark.
Ryan: Okay, just reminding me of the stakes.
Summer: No. I’m giving you advice because you’re my friend and I really want you to work this out.
Ryan: I’m listening.
Summer: Do not choke!
Ryan: Yeah I wasn’t going to until you did that.
Summer: God you have a wide neck.
Ryan: Yeah, you have pretty small hands. Thanks for the advice.
Summer: No problem.
Taylor: So what do Brutus, Judas, Benedict Arnold, Julius Rosenberg, Ethel Rosenberg—although that’s debatable—and you have in common?
Summer: Uh, we all did what we thought was right.
The Groundhog Day
Che: The day after tomorrow is Groundhog Day. And I’m planning a little black ops mission to free Newport Chuck.
Summer: The groundhog?
Che: Yeah. You’ve heard of this travesty?
Summer: I’ve heard about the festival. They put him on stage with the mayor and if he sees his shadow it’s six more weeks of winter. Which is crazy considering we don’t even have winter to begin with, but I think they treat him okay.
Che: No! Three hundred and sixty-four days a year little dude is stuck in a cage, now he gets to play []. No. That’s absolutely criminal.
Summer: Okay. Just don’t involve me ’cause that’s how I got kicked out of Brown.
Summer: What’s this?
Taylor: Toothpick.
Summer: Gross.
Taylor: Well he didn’t use it! Much.
Summer: Okay, Taylor. Although I wholeheartedly support you getting rid of everything in this box for purely sanitary reasons, if you like Ryan and he likes you, forget the therapist and figure out your stuff together. I mean all this just seems a little insane.
The Case of the Franks
Psychic: Wait! This is important. I see the great love of your life.
Summer: Me too.
Psychic: The name’s coming to me. I see it.
Seth: Let me give you a little help: Seth.
Psychic: No.
Seth: Seth.
Psychic: No. It’s George.
Seth and Summer: George?
Psychic: There’s a lot of heat surrounding this name.
Seth: You’re leaving me for a guy named George?
Summer: No.
Psychic: She certainly is. Your destiny is with this George.
Summer: Check out that permage.
Kirsten: Top Gun had just come out. I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Summer: I guess not.
Kirsten: Summer, if you’re meant to be with Seth it’ll happen. You just have to be patient.
Summer: I’m not very good at that.
Kirsten: No one is.
Young Summer: I wish I was a mermaid and was friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and seashells, that would be my wish.
News Guy: Justin Timberlake is coming to the Bait Shop. Just how does such a small venue get such big names—
Summer: Falling skateboards? Justin Timberlake? Everything the psychic said is coming true. You know any second I’m just gonna get whisked away by some dude named George.
Seth: Relax. Now I know that psychic has a lot of credibility. She works at a kiosk and she doesn’t appear to charge for her services. But I think I am a judge of whether you and I are destined to be together than her and I brought proof. Happy early Valentine’s Day, Summer.
Summer: The Mermaid Poem.
Seth: It’s how I knew, even in fifth grade, you were the one. That’s pretty awesome, huh?
Summer: Oh my god.
Seth: I know.
Summer: I didn’t write this.
Seth: What?
Seth: But this mermaid poem is— It’s our roots. It’s our mythology.
Summer: What if our mythology is a sham? Something that we invented? What if we’re each other’s Jimmy Cooper?
Seth: What?
Summer: You know, the one before the one. The one that you think is right before you meet your Sandy Cohen.
Seth: Wait, are we saying that, because Taylor wrote the poem she’s my Sandy Cohen? Because as delicious a twist as that would be, it’s not going to happen.
Summer: No. I’m saying what if we’re not destined to be together? {Seth mulls}. That is your cue, Seth, to say that I am wrong.
Seth: Hm.
Seth: What’s wrong?
Summer: I met GEORGE.
Seth: I’ll kill him.
The Shake-up
Summer: Look, I know you’ve never had a birthday party before—let alone been to one—but people usually get presents for their birthday. So will you please tell me what you want.
Taylor: Okay, honestly. I want Ryan to ask me to go to Berkeley with him next year.
Summer: Okay. I was thinking more along the lines of a cute top.
Taylor: I know, I know. It’s just, I’m a planner and I’m already seeing that day six months in the future when we all go our separate ways and I just know that if Ryan goes to Berkeley and I go to Harvard or Princeton or Oxford then it’s over.
Summer: Don’t you have to apply to Berkeley first in order to— You already applied to Berkeley. Does Ryan know this?
Taylor: No, I applied before we even started dating. I just got back from France and I figured, well, I had to go somewhere. So I reapplied to Princeton, Oxford, Yale, Harvard and the Sorbonne. And I figured, why not throw Berkeley in.
Summer: Hm.
Summer: Ryan talking about his feelings. Now that would be an earth shattering event.
Ryan: I haven’t told Taylor I love her.
Summer: You haven’t?
Ryan: Has she said something to you?
Summer: No. No. I just assumed. You guys have been together for awhile and you seem pretty happy and thought, why wouldn’t you have said I love you. I have an idea. Why don’t you.
Ryan: What?
Summer: For her birthday. You should. Because… the book of poems is awesome, but add that special little “I love you.” As a girl, I don’t know, me personally? I got chills.
Ryan: Does Taylor expect me to tell her I love her on her birthday?
Summer: What? No. I don’t know. I gotta go.
Seth: So what am I supposed to do? Follow Ryan around with a camera until he punches someone?
Summer: Yes.
Taylor: Do you think I should act surprised when I go to the party?
Summer: But it’s not a surprise party.
Taylor: Yeah, I know, but it might make Ryan feel good.
Summer: Okay, that’s a great idea.
Summer: I know making this movie just seems so stupid. But I just want him to get excited about something—anything.
Kirsten: Just give him a chance. Seth will find his way.
Summer: I hope so. He just seems a little lost.
Summer: But you love movies.
Seth: I do. I love going to them and then telling people what’s wrong with it.
Summer: Do not insult Al Gore.
The Night Moves
Summer: Not that I don’t want to play Pictionary by candlelight and raid Taylor’s apocalypse kit. I think we should just go to your house.
Seth: Okay. But I’m still awaiting news on Pancakes.
Taylor: Summer, do you really think Pancakes is in the attic? Like, he pulled down the ladder, hopped up and then put it away?
Summer: Well we have checked everywhere else.
Summer: You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s you make your own family. It seems to me you’ve scraped together quite an awesome one.
Taylor: Summer, how can we keep looking for Pancakes when there’s a giant elephant in the room.
Summer: We walk around the elephant. It may be big but we are crafty.
Taylor: The boys should have been back over an hour ago. Aren’t you worried?
Summer: No, I’m not worried. I’m freaking terrified, okay? That’s why I’m focusing on just finding Pancakes and not about the the fact that my boyfriend could be laying on the side of the road ravaged by zombies.
Summer: Ew. I am not touching your pistol! It’s stupid and dangerous and— {there’s a noise downstairs} Go 187 on that zombie ass.
Veronica Townsend: I’m not holding the rabbit. Unless you promise I can make a vest out of him.
Summer: I’ll carry Pancakes.
The End’s Not Near, It’s Here
Summer: Oh! Real life Jake broke up with Real life April!
Taylor: What are you doing?
Summer: I told Seth that I wouldn’t watch “Briefcase or No Briefcase” until he got home. So I’m reading about The Valley.
Taylor: Oh my god, that show’s still on?
Summer: It just got picked up for five more seasons. You know these teen dramas just run forever.
Summer about Pancakes: Oh my god. I’m a bad crack mother.
Summer: Ow! Soap stings!
Taylor: Well that’s because it’s lye.
Summer: Do you think that Seth and I are making a mistake? Living together after the earthquake and then getting an apartment together next year in Providence?
Julie: Um, well, you know I got married so young that I never had a chance to find out who I was or what I cared about. I mean, I never went to college or learned any real skills. And now here I am, twenty years later. Still knocked up on my wedding day. Summer, you’re a great girl. And the world deserves to know you. You deserve it too. Don’t settle for comfortable.
Ryan: Alright Roberts. I’ll see you.
Summer: Alright, Atwood.
Ryan: And thank you so much for Flapjacks. I promise I’ll raise him right.
Summer: Don’t forget to clean his cage. Which should not be used for cage fights.
Summer: Just remember, this isn’t goodbye. You’re my destiny, Cohen.
Seth: Go save the world, Summer Roberts.