The Aftermath
Summer: You gotta admit, Coop, whatever happens—Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honor? God, that is so freaking hot! In a mythic, Biblical Samarai Western kind of way.
Summer: Okay, I have an idea.
Seth: Are you going to save Chrismukkah again? ‘Cause I really enjoyed that last time.
Summer: Mr. Cooper has a nice boat.
Seth: Yeah. It’s amazing what laundered money can buy.
Seth: Hey, knock it off. Listen, you’ve got to get your mind off of everything. Who wants to go fishing?
Summer: Yeah, you guys do the hunting, we’ll do the gathering.
Ryan: I like that idea, but we don’t have any bait.
Seth: Aw… Wait, no, we have Summer. Look at this little sardine.
Summer: We have to do something. Should we bring him a snack? What does Ryan eat?
Seth: Dry cereal from a box and black coffee.
The Shape of Things to Come
Summer: This is the last time we’ll ever order pancakes before registration.
Seth: And that’s a sad thing to you?
Summer: Yes! It is sad.
Everything we do this year is for the last time. It’s like a farewell tour.
Summer: Look, I know that our summer sucked.
Marissa: To say the least.
Summer: But we made it through it! No one is in juvie. Or in a jumpsuit.
Seth: I think Marissa would have worn one rather well. I do. It’s the right cut on you—
Summer: The point is. The four of us are together. It’s our senior year.
Marissa: So?
Summer: So. It’s our last time to make everything awesome.
Seth: We thought you could use some breakfast. We’ve got bagels. And a support group {cue Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle}.
Summer: Captain Oats is a really good listener. Princess Sparkle, she just kind of stands there and looks cute.
Taylor: Summer, who do think has been running this commitee these past two years?
Summer: Uh, Marissa Cooper.
Taylor: Marissa Cooper has been busy. Skipping school. Eperimenting with her sexual orientation. And I was here, picking up the slack. Doing all of the work while she got all of the credit. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have all of the responsibility but none of the credit? Do you?
Summer: She’s Taylor Townsend. She’s like the Karl Rove of our school.
Seth: So, you can take Karl Rove— You know who Karl Rove is?
Summer: Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I’m dragging her off to bed.
Summer: Mini is the new supersize.
Summer: Do we have a number three?
Seth: Oh yeah we do. Number three, this Carnival is the best this school has ever seen. And not just because I cancelled Shenanigans.
Seth: Taylor Townsend.
Summer: She is Karl Rove!
The End of Innocence
Summer: This is so wrong. Like epically tragic. End of the World, locusts and horned beasts bummer.
Summer: You can’t leave. I won’t let you.
Marissa: I know.
Summer: No, I really mean that I won’t let you. I’ll restrain you if I have to. You may be tall, but I am wiry and I have Ryan on my side.
Summer: Blacks ops maneuvers commence at twenty-one hundred hours. Synchronize your watch.
Seth: This was my plan.
Summer: Fine. What do I do?
Seth: That twenty-one hundred thing sounded pretty cool. And then we’re going to synchronize our watches. We have to get watches.
The Last Waltz
Summer: You know I always thought that social chair was a ceremonial position. Like Rose Bowl Queen or President.
Seth: You plan the dance and leave the toilets to me. {beat} I was hoping that’d sound a little more heroic.
Summer: No, I got it.
Taylor: Summer look. I know I can be a pain.
Summer: A pain? Taylor, you staged a power play at the kick-off carnival. You tattled to the Dean and got Ryan kicked out of school.
Taylor: I don’t have any friends.
Summer: Gee. There’s a shocker.
Taylor: I know. And it’s my fault. I don’t trust people and so I try to control them which then drives them away. Ergo, no friends. I’m working through it with my therapist.
Summer: Well don’t quit now.
Taylor: Summer!
Summer: No. Just so you know, you and your friend the dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.
Taylor: Well unless you have an exit strategy, don’t even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire. {she storms off.}
Summer to a passing student: What’s a quagmire? Hello! Anyone? Quagmire?
Summer: You know what? You are at a new school and there is a dance. It’s like Social Survival 101.
The Perfect Storm
Summer: Look at her, all coy and texty. I bet it’s the dean. All like, “Come over to my creepy apartment, I’ll give you a lesson in discipline.” Be afraid, Cohen. Be very very afraid. If Taylor isn’t stopped who knows how far she’ll take her evil agenda.
Seth: Well you know she hijacked social chair. It’s not like world domination is inevitable.
Summer: Yeah, but school domination is. She’s got Dean Hess in her back pocket, front, and who knows where else.
Summer: You know, college fairs are kind of like shopping. It’s all about brand recognition.
Seth: Did you know Princeton was once called the College of New Jersey.
Seth: Ryan’s about a yellow slicker and a graveyard away from becoming the Gorton’s fisherman.
Summer: Huh. Yeah, not getting the reference.
Summer: Wait, we can’t text her an apology. Wait, we’re texting her an apology?
Seth: Mm mm. An invitation. I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer: You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa’s baby and where Marissa’s mom and Luke got it on?
Seth: Newport’s very own den of sin.
Summer: Ew. But I like it.
Seth: Summer, your purse is buzzing.
Summer: Taylor took the bait.
Summer: I’ve got a huge mouth. And an even bigger buddy list.
Seth: I came up with some other pitches for jobs with you, but I should warn you that it’s, like, wacky!
Ryan: Okay. Alright.
Seth: Okay. Ryan Atwood: Bull Fighter.
Summer: Oo! Big hat, like tight red pants and a little red coat.
Ryan: Alright, but I don’t speak Spanish.
Seth: Neither do bulls. Ryan Atwood: Bounty Hunter.
Summer: Yeah, you could have like a crossbow and a badge and steel-toed boots. You like those.
Ryan: How about Ryan Atwood: Coward.
Marissa: Oh, I think that may have been a little harsh.
Ryan: You think so?
Marissa: It got your attention.
Seth: Ryan Atwood: Fluffer.
All: Fluffer? What?
Seth: I’ll explain it later.
The Swells
Summer: Nightmares, huh? You know at first I thought you were just a sweaty sleeper. I didn’t want to say anything, but—
Marissa: Because I thought if I slept with you they’d go away.
Summer: You talk to Ryan about it?
Marissa: I try. I mean you know how he is.
Summer: Yeah, not much with words.
Marissa: And he went through it with me. He should understand.
Summer: Well I’m here.
Marissa: I jut wish that Ryan knew that was all he had to say.
Seth: The break up, they get back together. Whatever. It’s the natural cycle. It has to do with the tides.
Summer: No, it’s different now! If they break up now she could disappear. She could get swallowed up in Newport Union. It’s like the Bermuda Triangle.
Taylor: Have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is gonna spend the night in the gym.
Summer: Oo! We can’t make it.
Seth: Yeah. I’m taking off my arm with a hacksaw.
Taylor: Oh. Well that’s a shame. You’re gonna have to miss that. Lock-in’s mandatory. It counts as a class.
Marissa: You should come by tomorrow, check it out.
Summer: You know I would. I guess ah— I have to be imprisoned in the gym and forced to eat s’mores. {pause} Yeah, I wish I was kidding.
Sandy: Where’s Marissa?
Summer: Oh, she’s busy.
Ryan: Is she studying? ‘Cause I’ve been known to get her to blow off some homework.
Summer: She’s not studying. She’s at the beach with Johnny. {awkward pause}
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I’m just the messenger.
Chili: I don’t get it. Why don’t you like me?
Summer: I’m already dating a dork.
Chili: Hm.
Summer: Yeah.
Chili: That kind of gives me inspiration.
Ryan: Johnny? You mean that Johnny hanging with his girlfriend, Johnny?
Summer: I have a bit of a hair trigger.
Summer: I’m sorry I overreacted. I meddled. Oh my god, I’m Seth.
Taylor: Sorry! I can’t hear you.
Summer to Taylor: What do you mean you can’t hear—? You’re responding!
Taylor: Sorry!
The Anger Management
Ryan: Maybe the girls should pick the movie next time.
Seth: Ah, do I have to remind you about the Bring It On phase?
Summer: Now that is an awesome movie.
Ryan: I’m not looking for trouble.
Volchok: Maybe you should have thought about that before jumping in the other night.
Summer: What, like you didn’t start it by hooking up with someone’s girlfriend?
Seth: Good point. {Volchok’s friends look at him} Or that’s unnecessary to continuity. Either/or.
Marissa: I just feel responsible. I mean if I hadn’t introduced Ryan to Johnny in the first place then he never would have gotten into a fight with that jerk.
Summer: Yeah well, if you wanna blame someone, why not Casey for hooking up with the Surf Nazi to begin with.
Marissa: I know. I still can’t believe she did that.
Summer: Hm. She had a reason.
Summer: Who was that? It sounded like a girl.
Seth: Did it? Yeah. Well, sure. Because I’m listening to the radio and This American Life is on. And so there’s a girl talking.
Summer: Oh. Is that that show where those hipster know-it-alls talk about how fascinating ordinary people are? God.
Seth trying to get the bartender’s attention: Hey. Hey, Buddy! {no luck} I used to work here!
Taylor: Hello Seth.
Seth: Taylor. Hey!
Taylor: Is Summer here?
Seth: Okay, look. I love Summer. And always have. Now while you and I may share an appreciation for ultra violent Asian cinema, there is no way—
Summer walking up: What’s going on?
Seth: Tell me you just heard what I was saying.
Taylor: Hi Summer. You look really cute.
Summer: I know. But more importantly why are you always talking to my boyfriend?
Seth: Listen to me. Nothing happened at the lock-in.
Summer: Uh huh. And yet you still felt the need to lie about her being in your room?
Seth: Because I knew how you’d react. Not that it’s your fault. I’m saying it’s my fault. Definitely my fault.
Summer: You know what is my fault? {smacks Seth}. That!
Summer: Yakuza? Were you with Taylor?
Seth: She’s having an emotional crisis.
Summer: Yeah, well she’s about to have a physical one.
Seth: Summer, she thinks you’re her friend.
Summer: What? She is crazy. I hate her.
Seth: I know! You along with everyone else.
Summer: How bad do you want to go home right now and watch that movie?
Seth: So bad it might actually kill me.
The Game Plan
Summer: I can’t even pick out my shoes in the morning, let alone plan the rest of my life.
Seth: It’s okay, it’s only four years. And, according to this brochure it’s supposed to be the high-point of an otherwise miserable existence.
Mrs. Rushfield: So we’ll deal with grades and boards later, but for now I just want to get a feel for what you want. Where you imagine yourself.
Seth: Ah, somewhere cold. Or brisk. I would settle for brisk.
Summer: I want 365 sun days. I don’t mean the day after Saturday.
Ryan: Ah…
Summer: Cohen, you’re needed upstairs now.
Seth: Tell my parents I love them.
Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you know, you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It’s not a hip-hop war.
Summer: We are going to be separated by like a zillionbillion miles. I was up all last night thinking about that.
Seth: You were?
Summer: You haven’t even given this a second thought, have you?
Seth: Summer, what a second.
Summer: Too late, Cohen!
Summer: What is it, Cohen?
Seth: We need to talk. I brought visual aids.
Summer: You can have him. Go to Brown or wherever you smart people go. He’s yours.
Taylor: This is a ploy, isn’t it?
Summer: No. It’s life. He’s going to Rhode Island and I’m going to Arizona.
Taylor: I just thought you guys would do the whole long distance thing.
Summer: Please. And struggle along? Break up at Thanksgiving and hook up at Christmas. And then break up again in January when we’re both back in school?
Taylor: But you could still apply to a school near to him.
Summer: Could you imagine me on the East coast? I’d be like one of those animals that they rip from their natural habitat and put in a zoo. Their fur would get all mangy and they’d throw dung at people. It would be awful.
Summer: What is it with people showing up with bags?
Taylor: Look, Summer, who knows what’s going to happen in the future. But for right now, Seth loves you. And you’re not even giving him a chance.
Summer: Why are you doing this?
Taylor: I figured Brown was a little Vanity Fair for my taste, and now I’m considering The Sorbonne.
Summer: No, I mean why are you being so nice?
Taylor: Well pathetic as it sounds, you and Seth are pretty much my best friends. And, ah, let’s face it. I never really had a shot with him.
Summer: Taylor, we are your friends.
Seth: What made you change your mind?
Summer: Taylor. She made me see that at Brown you’re going to be surrounded by, like, really smart people and it’s going to make you feel really stupid. So you need someone around to makes you feel smart again.
Summer: Uh oh, you and Seth are going to have to do the long distance thing. Better not cheat on each other.
Ryan: It’s college. Things happen.
Seth: Are you questioning my sexuality?
The Disconnect
Seth: You know I read a study once that said that if 1500 third graders took the SATs one would get a perfect score by probability alone.
Summer: Hm. Yeah. I’m not a third grader, Cohen.
Seth: No, no, I’m not saying you are, but I mean how else do you explain it?
Summer: I dunnow.
Seth: How is that even possible?
Ryan: Well, she did save Chrismukkah.
Johnny: It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s that I do. A lot.
Summer: I called this like so long ago!
Summer: Well maybe I never had a dream. You know, maybe for once in my life I actually want to do something in my life. Like something important. Be the first woman in space or win one of the noble prizes.
Seth: Summer, women have been going to space since the 60s. And it’s not noble prizes, it’s Nobel prize. Marie Curie won in 1903 for discovering radium.
Summer: I think you’ve made your point.
Marissa: What’s that?
Summer: A tuba.
Marissa: Which you have why?
Summer: Because I do. Because in fith grade you know when I said I was going to Beauty Pageant camp? I was going to band camp and learning to play the tuba.
Summer: I was wondering, what makes a student stand out?
Seth: Yes, besides good grades.
Summer: And high SAT scores.
Brown Rep: Well all our applicants are leaders at their schools. What it really takes is a hook.
Summer: Fascinating.
Seth: Okay, okay. And could you clarify with an example?
Seth: Did you just whack me with your tuba?
Summer: Did you just jab me with your peg leg?
Seth: It’s a tap, you little whacker.
Summer: Jab, jabber. Why do you have to be better than me at everything.
Seth: See, that’s just it, Summer. I’m not better than you at everything. There was one thing that I was better at.
Summer: A vicodin love confession is still a love confession.
Seth: I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass, okay. It’s just, you’re superior to me in so many ways. You’re better looking, you’re more popular, you’re stronger… and not just emotionally.
Summer: Cohen, I’ll always look up to you. And not just because you’re taller than me.
The Chrismukkah Bar Mitzvahkkah
Summer: And what do you think, Cohen?
Seth: My Chrismukkah forecast calls for trouble.
Seth: If any of you were even remotely Jewish I would just say we could pool our Bar Mitzvah money, but— Holy crap, that’s it.
Summer: What’s it?
Ryan: Oh… no no no no no. No way, dude.
Seth: Yes. Way dude.
Ryan: I’m sorry, alright. I can’t. I won’t.
Seth: Will.
Ryan: I’m not having it.
Summer: Having what?
Seth: A Bar Mitzvah.
Summer: What?! laughs Ryan gets Bar Mitzvahed. Now that is funny.
Ryan: Yeah, see. Summer’s laughing.
Seth: No. That’s just gas. Now listen, this wouldn’t be an ordinary Bar Mitzvah. You know what this would be? Wait for it… wait for it. A Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vakkah. Spell that, dude.
Ryan: That’s crazy.
Seth: Yeah? So crazy it just might work.
Marissa: So we throw a big party.
Summer: And Ryan gets the money from the Bar Mitzvah.
Marissa: And then we can spend it on Johnny’s surgery.
Ryan: How is this gonna work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing Hebrew?
Seth: You chant. And hell yes.
Summer: Cohen, why don’t you go comb out Princess Sparkle’s tail? You know how it relaxes you.
Seth: Summer, what are you— what are you talking about? I wouldn’t… Is the comb where I left it?
Summer: I don’t know, Cooper Scooper.
Marissa: That’s a really bad nickname.
Summer about Johnny: Poor guy. Slight of build and on crutches. He’s kind of like our very own Tiny Tim.
Summer: I was born to usher.
Summer: I remember when you told me the news. I think that was the worst day of my life.
Neil Roberts: I know. And you were already upset with me. ‘Cause I didn’t let you go to Luke Ward’s birthday party.
Summer: Really?
Neil Roberts: Yeah, you had already RSVPed to some other engagement.
The Safe Harbor
Summer: I cannot believe it is our last semester of high school.
Seth: I know. College applications have been sent off, studying, homework, learning… all the reasons to come here are pretty much over.
Ryan: Summer’s planning Operation Free Marissa.
Summer: Yeah. Secure some key allies, go behind enemy lines.
Seth: Have you’ve been watching the War Channel again?
Summer: Yes. it’s the new news network.
Seth: I’m always up for a little danger and intrigue.
Summer: If we’re going to launch a successful campaign to get Marissa back into Harbor we have to find someone who can organize the masses. Someone who they’ll follow, you know, into battle.
Seth: You mean General Townsend?
Summer: Affirmative.
Summer: Don’t tell me there’s a problem with the t-shirts or I might freak out.
Ryan: T-shirts are fine. They’re in the car. It’s Marissa.
Summer: This school is apathetic. They need someone who can inspire. Someone who can intimidate.
Seth: They need Taylor.
Summer: Yeah. You know, maybe it’s better to be feared than loved. Cohen, you have my permission to do whatever it takes.
Seth: What is it?
Summer: I’m picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You’re Demi. Naturally. And Taylor is the leather-faced guy who talks to horses.
Seth: You want me to trade sex for signatures?
Summer: Get her on board. I want Marissa back at this school.
Seth: I feel so dirty.
Summer: Taylor, who out of our group would be better at winning over the hearts and minds of the student body?
Taylor: Did you say “our group”?
Seth: Great! So you’ll do it.
Taylor: It’s an honor to share your foxhole.
Summer: I can’t believe we spent all day canvassing and we only have like 13 signatures.
Seth: Say what you want about Taylor, the girl’s connected. Cheerleaders, water polo players, the band. She turned, they all turned.
Ryan: Alright, so it’s down to the three of us, the AV club, and the comic book geeks.
Seth: Actually Leon is still a bit of a hold out.
Seth: No word back from Taylor.
Ryan: We’ve gotta leave in an hour and no sign of Marissa.
Summer: So what are you guys saying?
Seth: That this was a valiant campaign.
Ryan: Yeah, really valiant.
Seth: One any general would be proud of.
Summer: Surrender, much? I bet Napoleon never talked like this.
Ryan: Well, maybe he should have before he was defeated and exiled.
Seth: Summer, my little Empress, this is our Waterloo. Let’s just retreat and minimize collateral damage.
Summer: Well, can’t we just wait a couple of minutes before we raise the white flag? She’s always late. I mean, maybe she got lost. Or something.
Summer: Surrender much? I bet Napoleon never talked like this.
Ryan: Well, maybe he should have before he was defeated and exiled.
Seth: Summer, my little Empress, this is our Waterloo. Let’s just retreat and minimize collateral damage.
The Sister Act
Summer: Mini Cooper?
Seth: Mini Coop not so mini.
Summer about Taylor: She is so going back to the pound.
Summer: My god. That is amazing. And all you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?
Seth: Yes, that is exactly what I said.
Summer: You told her he had genital warts? C’mon!
Summer: Of course I didn’t mean to hit you.
Seth: I know. I just find it interesting how your hand collided with my face.
The Pot Stirrer
Ryan: “Who has been the greatest influence in your intellectual development?”
Summer: Um, Miuccia Prada.
Seth: You probably wanna say something more like Einstein or—
Summer: So you want me to lie?
Seth: No, it’s just, uh, I don’t think Prada is the answer they’re looking for.
Summer: Well this interview could determine the rest of our lives, right? Well, if I say something I don’t believe in I could end up with the wrong life. How awful would that be?
Ryan: She has a point.
Summer: I have to go get a mani-pedi.
Seth: Summer.
Summer: Cohen. If you memorize the answers you think they want to hear, that’s fine. But I believe in being myself. And by the way, Miuccia Prada combines styles from time periods in a way that people never even imagined possible.
Summer: I’m looking to see if Brown has a course in human sexuality. ‘Cause no offense, you are so taking that.
The Cliff Hanger
Summer: Cohen, you are in a deceit spiral. And if you don’t stop now, you could turn in to some creepy old men who have secret attics where they hide stolen money and porn.
Seth: Okay, first of all? That sounds awesome. Second of all, it could be worse. I got scared.
Summer: Scared?
Seth: Yeah. Tongue-tied, dizzy, my bladder felt weak.
Summer: Cohen, you are in a deceit spiral. And if you don’t stop now, you could turn in to some creepy old men who have secret attics where they hide stolen money and porn.
Seth: Okay, first of all? That sounds awesome. Second of all, it could be worse. I got scared.
Summer: Scared?
Seth: Yeah. Tongue-tied, dizzy, my bladder felt weak.
Summer: What’s that smell?
Seth: It is… incense. I was doing yoga plus I had some really bad gas.
Summer: Gross.
The Heavy Lifting
Summer: “To whom it may concern. My name is Seth Cohen and I have a problem with lying.”
Summer: Hm. That’s pretty smart. You may just have rocked my world. I’m wearing the thong.
Seth: Yeah, that’s… that’s my mom’s.
Summer: Ew.
The Road Warrior
Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don’t step in he’ll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?
Summer: Oy.
Seth: As in vey? Atta girl.
Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don’t step in he’ll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?
Taylor: Just what are we going to tell Summer?
Summer: What’s who going to tell Summer?
Seth: Do I need to call a locksmith?
Summer: What are you doing here, T-Bag?
The Journey
Seth: I’m in charge of Ryan’s birthday.
Summer: Wait. Ryan’s birthday is now? What was he thinking?
Seth: I don’t know. He didn’t exactly plan it.
As Ryan stares at a random flyer
Summer: Thinking of joining the lesbian alliance?
Ryan: No.
Summer: She’s gone. When are you guys gonna talk? You can’t keep avoiding each other forever.
Summer: What did Ryan say when you gave him Marissa’s invitation?
Seth: Nothing. Just got this sort of confused, wounded look.
Summer: The man’s got a disease.
Seth: Well, if you’re dating Julie Cooper…
Summer: My dad was whistling this morning. Julie Cooper makes my dad whistle.
About the Model Home mix tape:
Summer: So you’re making one for his birthday? That’s so romantic.
Marissa: No, just thoughtful.
Summer: Coop, you’re tapping into core relationship mythology. That’s romantic.
Julie: Summer. Hi.
Summer: Julie. What a surprise. Um. Is my dad here?
Julie: No, I don’t think he is. You are probably wondering how I let myself in here… You know, it’s really um, a funny story. Kind of, heh, it’s absurd actually.
Summer: I know.
Julie: Excuse me?
Summer: I know about you and my dad. Your private hanky panky. Your driving range smooching. I know.
Julie: Oh, Summer. We were going to tell you.
Summer: When? Before or after you went on the cruise?
Julie: What cruise? Summer shows her the tickets. A lover’s cruise to Cabo? And it leaves tomorrow night. Wow, I didn’t know anything about this, Summer. I guess Neil wanted to surprise me. And it’s first class! Oh my gosh, what a gentleman.
Summer: Oh he’s gonna surprise you alright. Did you know that he proposed to his last two wives on cruises?
Julie: What?
Summer: Look, I got nothing against you. In theory. But my dad just got out of a marriage and I don’t want him rushing back into another.
Julie: Oh, Summer. I totally understand. We are nowhere near close to getting engaged. Trust me.
Summer: Serious?
Summer: Yes, of course.
Julie: Does Marissa know about this?
Summer: Not yet.
Julie: Well I guess I better tell her then, hm? And buy me a new bikini.
Summer to no one in particular: Awkward.
Summer: Um, hi. Two homeless guys just got into a fight over the crudité and knocked down Scientist Ryan.
Summer: Hey Dad. If you really do like her, maybe don’t wear the bathing suit you bought last year in Rome. Just a thought.
The Undertow
Seth: Who knew my new PlayStation idol would be your new girlfr— new…
Sadie: Friend.
Seth: Friend… Girl friend.
Summer: Nice save.
Summer: Mm. You smell so good.
Seth: You like the smell of salami?
Summer: Cohen!
Seth: What? I had a salami sub and I feel like it’s lingering.
Taylor: Holy Kodak moment!
Summer: I guess Seth just aced his Brown interview.
Taylor: That’s fantastic. We’re so gonna party tonight. I’ll make a flan.
Summer: You know what, Taylor, Seth and I were thinking about hanging out alone. My dad’s out of town, so…
Taylor: Ah. Say no more. nudging Summer. Hm? Hm?
Summer: What’s wrong with your eye?
Taylor: It’s a knowing wink, Summer.
Taylor: Looks like someone got the short straw.
Summer: What, no. I ordered pancakes.
Taylor: No, you drew the short straw. confusion You know, after the sex, when everyone’s hungry, but nobody wants to get the takeout. Short straw picks up the food.
Seth: Is that a no to the Wheelbarrow?
Summer: I’ll Wheelbarrow you.
Summer: We should fight, like, everyday.
Seth: I’m pretty sure I can make that happen.
The Secrets and Lies
Summer: I’m sounding out a hot new couple alert. Act like you knew nothing.
Seth: I don’t.
Seth: So if the body doesn’t lie…
Summer: Then it’s saying, “Ew.”
Seth: “Ew”? Or “Touch my pooper”?
Summer banging outside the door: Coop! It’s me. Your best friend. You know, the one you tell everything to.
Volchok: Damn. My head.
Marissa: What time is it?
Summer: I know it’s tough being in there. My voice travels.
Marissa: Um. Okay, you’ve gotta hide.
Volchok: What? You live in a trailer.
Summer: Coop!
Marissa: I’m coming, Sum. handing Volchok bottles Dump these. And this. Go!
Summer: Coop! My hand doesn’t remotely hurt. Coop!
Marissa: Hey.
Summer: Hi. Looking good, Coop. Very Kate Moss pre-Vanity Fair cover. Whatcha doin’?
Marissa: Uh. You know. Nothin’.
Summer: Hm. Did you have a good time last night?
Marissa: Yeah.
Summer: Synapses are really firing, huh?
Marissa: I think I have a bit of a head cold.
Summer: Well, as long as you don’t have any other infectious diseases.
Marissa: What?
Summer: Hm?
Summer: Volchok is Atwood’s kryptonite. He’ll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You’re mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put two words together these days.
Seth: She’s usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He’s so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He’s got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.
Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I’m happy.
Summer: You didn’t mention a word to Ryan?
Seth: Spoil his good mood? He practically skipped out of the kitchen.
Summer: Atwood skipping? Now there’s a disturbing and… odd visual.
Seth: Picture this one: Ryan dancing. It’s what this woman does to him. If you wanna keep the skip in his step we gotta keep Volchok off his radar.
Summer: Aw. about the video game You play. Volchok is Atwood’s kryptonite. He’ll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You’re mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put two words together these days.
Seth: She’s usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He’s so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He’s got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.
Summer: We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents’ engagement party to skank out with the surf Nazi.
Seth: Your dad and Julie got engaged? You kind of buried the lead there, Summer.
Summer: We’ve got bigger fish here, Cohen. Marissa is on a slut spiral and we need to stop her.
Summer: The slut is still spiraling. I thought you talked to Ryan.
Julie: Actually Summer, the only thing I’m worried about is my daughter.
Summer: Yeah, me too.
The Day After Tomorrow
Julie: Listen, Summer. How worried do I need to be about her?
Summer: I don’t know. She’s not exactly confiding in me right now.
Taylor: Have you spoken to Marissa lately?
Summer: Well, if you count “Pass the milk” and “Don’t be so skanky,”—
Summer about Seth: When you see him, will you give him this. tugs violently on Ryan’s hair
Summer: I can’t believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that’s so romantic.
Seth: I don’t know what Ryan’s thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he’s 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you’re with the one you think you should be with. That you’ll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don’t.
Summer: I can’t believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that’s so romantic.
Seth: I don’t know what Ryan’s thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he’s 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you’re with the one you think you should be with. That you’ll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don’t.
Marissa: Hey. Where have you been?
Summer: I had to help Taylor set up the bonfire. That girl can handle a chainsaw.
Summer: Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings.
Summer: Yeah. And remember that Gollum guy, how he got evil and more evil the closer he got to that firey thing? That’s kind of how Seth is about Brown.
Summer: I forgive you. But you have to come with me to the sweatshirt party as penance.
The Dawn Patrol
Taylor: Hey, Sum. If it makes you feel any better, I just saw Seth and he looks as miserable as you do.
Summer: The only thing that would make me feel better would be seeing that ass-less, gut-less wuss skinned, flayed and served as ass-less, gut-less wuss tartar.
Taylor: That’s very descriptive, Summer.
Summer after unbreaking up with Seth: It’s good to have you back, babe.
Summer: No way. No scheming, no plan Bs, no wacky hijinks? Cohen broke up with me. Only he has the power to unbreak us up. There’s no way I’m gonna go groveling back to him like some pathetic brokenhearted little bitch.
Taylor: Do you still love him?
Summer: Yeah. There’s something wrong with me, huh?
Taylor: Did he say that he doesn’t love you?
Summer: Now that you mention it, no. He did not.
Taylor: You see, he’s acting out of fear. He’s trapped in an anxiety spiral. And in the rock, paper, scissors of romance, love trumps fear. Actually love trumps everything.
Taylor: Want me to whip up another round of Frappucinos? They say chocolate and sugar send endorphins to your brain. Come on, tell me you feel better.
Summer: He doesn’t love me. rests her head on Taylor’s shoulder. Aw!
The College Try
Summer: What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport I’ll stop and get some angry-looking piercing.
Summer: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport’s Courtney Love.
Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.
Summer: So you are going to Brown you just… didn’t want to go with me.
Anna running up: How’d it go?
Summer: Anna.
Anna: Summer.
Seth: You’re probably really confused right about now.
Summer: No. Not at all. All of this, everything you’ve done up until now, finally makes sense.
Seth: Summer, you can’t just ignore me forever.
Summer: Oh yes I can. Don’t you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now I’m just getting back in shape.
The Party Favor
Summer to Seth: I haven’t spoken to you in four days. You think that pancakes are going to make me forget about you and Anna behind my back.
Summer: Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer and then I would get your bones to the sharks.
Taylor: You were prom queen last year. You have to go.
Summer: Yeah, well, the queen is dead.
Taylor: I see. Well perhaps you’d like to hear who your date is.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Taylor: I got you a date.
Summer: Taylor—
Taylor: Quiet. Now you know how I’m going with Sun Ho.
Taylor: The guy from the Korean barbecue?
Summer: Oh yeah. We, like, totally found each other at the sweatshirt party. He’s got this wonderfully hairless body. It’s like hooking up with a seal.
Summer: I have to go.
Summer’s Voicemail: “Hey it’s Summer. Leave a message.”
Seth: Summer, hey. I just want to apologize for what happened in the girls bathroom today. I didn’t mean to follow you in. Or spook Mrs. Rushfield. I was just trying to explain that the idea of a romance between me and Anna is so insane that—
Anna: Hello Seth.
Seth: I gotta go.
Marissa: So do you think Kevin will like this?
Summer: Yeah, if it rips off easy.
Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? ‘Cause right now I’m thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We’ve gotta find a towelette!
Seth: Listen, I don’t expect you to respond or even remember this, but the truth is I actually didn’t get in to Brown.
Summer: What?! raises her head and thinks better of it. Way too fast.
Seth: I knew you weren’t going to go if I didn’t go, and I didn’t want you to do that. I didn’t want you to miss the opportunity so I broke up with you.
Summer: That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Seth: Yeah, well, then I realized I couldn’t be without you so I flew there to try and talk my way in.
Summer: Okay, now that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. Summer throws up again Alright. Want me to hold your crown? Summer throws up again Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.
The Man of the Year
Marissa: Hey, Sum. How are you?
Summer: I wish I could pluck out my eyeballs with a fork and rinse them in a tall glass of ice water.
Marissa: Yeah, that’s a hangover.
Summer: Oh my god. Nausea tsunami!
Summer: Oh my god. Mr. C. you totally scared me.
Sandy: Sometimes I scare myself, Summer.
Summer: We just got back together. The window for a make-up hook-up is closing rapidly.
Summer: He told me that he wasn’t going to Brown. And then I saw him there with Anna.
Sandy: He said he wasn’t going to Brown?
Summer: Well yeah, because he didn’t get in. But that was before RISD.
Sandy: What do you mean, he didn’t get in?
Summer: I thought he only lied about it to me.
The Graduates
Summer: I don’t think Cohen’s the one that needs to get lei-ed.
Taylor: Au contraire, Summer. Have I told you about my after-after-prom party with Sung Ho and Yung Nam? It was hot and spicy and, let’s just say I had my very own Korean barbeque.
Summer: I am so off kim chee.
Taylor: So I just stopped by to say farewell.
Summer: You’re leaving for the Sorbonne already?
Taylor: Oh no, not quite. Sung Ho and I decided to spend the summer in his family’s village. We’re defusing land mines in the DMZ.
Seth: That’s a way to spend your summer vacation.
Summer: But what about the after-grad party? I mean you already planned it.
Taylor: As a gift. To the class of 2006. SO my work here is done. It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!
Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
Marissa: I definitely never would have talked to Seth.
Summer: Oh hell no. Me either.
Seth: Hahahah!
Ryan: See, you owe me one, buddy.
Seth: Me? She’d still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.
Summer: I can’t believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. laughs Okay, no offense.
Ryan: None taken, biatch.
Marissa: It was only until you found out he was from Chino.
Summer: Exactly.
Ryan: You actually invited me to Holly’s beach house.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I’m not faring well, this trip down memory lane.