Eugene: Hey, you know who I had sex with last night? Lucy Liu, Lisa Ling… oh and who’s that chick from Crouching Tiger? Greg: Ang Lee. Eugene: Yes. So hot. I mean TiVO be my pimp, yo. Eric: And that’s from a group eVite, bitch! Greg: Dude this is terrible, man. I hate this. I […]
Lizzie: I feel bad for Hal. He’s lonely. Steven: I know. I just wish he could be lonely by himself sometimes. Hilary: Hal, could you do me a favor? Hal: Anything. Hilary: Dare to believe in yourself. Ron about Kikuki: She doesn’t speak any English? That’s unbelievable. It’s like you found the perfect girl. Rachel: […]
Lloyd: Dude, are you wearing makeup? Marshall: Yes I am. Rachel gave me some cover up for my pimple and then I put a little under my eyes. Ron: I thought you looked less tired. Marshall: Thank you. Hal: Steven it’s no big deal. Your mom and I still fight. Hell, we even get it […]
Marshall: There’s a stain above where I sleep and I can’t tell if it came down from above or flew up from down here. Ron: Isn’t life just great. Marshall: I’ve seen things no man should see. Steven: Man this is so awesome. The sheets are all messed up like in Basic Instinct. Lloyd: Marshall, […]
Marshall: That was awesome. Ron: That was pretty cool. Lloyd: Awesome, that was not. Marshall: Why not? Why wasn’t it? Lloyd: I’ve been thinking this might happen for awhile, but this is sooner than I thought. We have become their brothers. Marshall: So? Lloyd: So I understand, where you’re from being someone’s brother may not […]
Lloyd: Look man, you may have thought we wee mean to you but we never locked you to a tree. Ron: We did, ah, we did bungee him to his bed that time. Books: Hey look, Steven. Your date has arrived. Steven: What am I supposed to do with the sheep? panicked. What am I […]
Steven: Do you guys want to go to that rush party tonight or not? Ron: No. Marshall: No. Lloyd: No. Ron: Fraternities are evil, okay? They brainwash you, they steal your soul. They take your firstborn for godsakes. Lloyd: And you’re the firstborn. Steven: So I guess you guys don’t care about free beer and […]
Steven: You stupid stupid stupid computer. How do you expect to take over mankind if you keep crashing? Eric: If Lizzie ever cheated on me I think I would die. Then you’re already dead. Eric: You better check yourself! Rachel: Wait, Lizzie hooked up with Lloyd? Nobody tells me anything. {Eric celebrates} Was that before or […]
Ron: I love college. I just wish I could take my tuition and shove it down that girl’s underwear in one dollar bills. Marshall about Sheila moving out: I’ve never even seen her before. Lloyd: I have. Lizzie’s phone rings Ron: Hi Eric. Eric: Who the hell is this? Why are you answering Lizzie’s phone? […]
Ron about the credit cards: The real cards aren’t that big. But they’re good too. Lloyd: Online investing is for desperate fools. Ron: That’s true, right. Except for me though. Dave: Yeah. Virgin plastic. That’s nice, huh? That’s a good feeling. Steven: Don’t rob me. Dave: I could, actually. Dave: What’s your major, Steven? Marshall: […]
Ron: I’m so glad I didn’t tell my parents about this whole “Parents Weekend” thing. Because now I can just, like, zone in on Lloyd’s sister—just focus. I mean we talk sometimes, when she calls. She sounds cool man, she sounds hot. But I mean, she’s probably like a female Lloyd you know. Just picture […]
Steven: Lloyd won’t stop talking to my dad. Ron: So? Marshall: Your dad is cool. Ron: Everyone’s dad is cool but your own. Like my dad, right? He’s a big fat moron. You guys would love him. Ron: If you are lying to me now I’ll shank you, prison-style. Perry: Oh, Ron. I’m trembling! Oh […]
Steven: S’up. Co-ed: Hi. You don’t look very comfortable. Steven: That’s ’cause I’m not. Co-ed: Well hon, why do you like sleeping on the couch? Steven: What? Co-ed: Lloyd said that you liked to sleep on the couch. Is it for your back? Is that it? Steven: Yeah. Co-ed: We both know how terrified Lloyd is to sleep […]
Rachel: God, aren’t there any men on this campus? Lizzie: What about Lloyd? Rachel: No. I don’t like guys like that. Lizzie: Super hot English guys? Rachel: Pretty boys. They’re so boring. I want to meet somebody with personality and some depth. Lizzie: Oh you mean like an ugly guy. Rachel: Shut up. You’re so […]
Ron: Gentlemen, okay, are you ready? Okay, because you’re going to remember this moment coming up for the rest of your sweet lives. He dramatically unveils a keg Lloyd: That was the moment? Steven: Eric’s here now? Lloyd: Your nemesis has arrived. Rachel: Have you ever dumped anyone? Marshall: Almost. But we never actually like […]
Professor Duggan (Fred Willard): What is is wrong with you people? Do you think you’re going to be able to succeed in this world without knowledge of history? Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
Marshall: So I’ll repeat the Bay of Pigs? […]