Inspector Gregson (Paul Hickey): Madame Vastra. Thank god. I’ll wager you’ve not anything like this before.
Madame Vastra (Neve McIntosh): Well. Not since I was a little girl.
Jenny Flint (Catrin Stewart): Big fellow, innit’ he?
Madame Vastra: Dinosaurs are mostly this size. I do believe it’s a she.
Jenny Flint: No they weren’t. I’ve seen fossils.
Madame Vastra: I was there!
Madame Vastra: Is it choking?
Jenny Flint: There seems to be something lodged in its throat.
Inspector Gregson: Wha— how could it time travel?
Madame Vastra: I don’t know. Perhaps it was something it ate. {the dinosaur spits out the TARDIS}
Inspector Gregson: It’s just laid an egg.
Madame Vastra: It dropped a blue box marked “Police” out of its mouth. Your grasp of biology troubles me.
Jenny Flint: So it’s him then? The doctor?
Madame Vastra: A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from outer space. This is not a day for jumping to conclusions.
Strax (Dan Starkey): Hello? Exit the box and surrender to the glory of the Sontaran Empire.
The Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi): Shush.
Strax: Doctor?
The Doctor: I was being chased by a giant dinosaur but I think I managed to give it the slip.
The Doctor: Sleepy?
Strax: Sir?
The Doctor: Bashful. Sneezy. Dopey? Grumpy. {seeing the others} Ohh! You two! The green one. And the not-green one. Or it could be the other way around. I mustn’t pre-judge. Oh, you remember… thingie. The not-me one. The asking questions one. Names, not my area.
Clara: Clara!
The Doctor: Well it might be Clara, might not be. There’s a lot to it.
The Doctor: Oh! You’ve got a dinosaur too!
Clara: I think something’s gone wrong!
The Doctor: Wrong? What’s gone wrong? Have you regenerated? I remember you. You’re Handles. You used to be a little… little robot head. And now you’ve… really let yourself go.
The Doctor: Never mind! Everyone. Take five. {he collapses}
Jenny Flint: I don’t understand. Who is he? Where’s the Doctor?
Clara: Right here. That’s him. That’s the Doctor.
Madame Vastra: Well then. Here we go again.
The Doctor: So you’ve got a whole room for not being awake in? But what’s the point? You’re just missing the room. And don’t look in that mirror. It’s absolutely furious!
The Doctor: You all sound all… English. You’ve all developed a fault!
Madame Vastra: I’m having difficulty sleeping.
The Doctor: Oh? Oh, well I wouldn’t bother with that. I never bother with sleeping. I just do standing up cat naps.
Madame Vastra: Oh really? How interesting. And when do you do those?
The Doctor: Well generally whenever anyone else starts talking. I like to skip ahead to my bits, it saves time.
Madame Vastra: I love monkeys. They’re so funny.
Jenny: Oh I see. So people are monkeys now, are they?
Madame Vastra: No dear. People are apes. Men are monkeys.
Clara: How do we change him back?
Madame Vastra: Jenny. I will be in my chamber. Would you be kind enough to fetch my veil?
Jenny: Why? Are we expecting strangers?
Madame Vastra: It would seem there’s already one here.
Clara: What have I done wrong?
Jenny Flint: It’s still him, ma’am. You saw him change.
The Doctor: I am alone. The world which shook at my feet… and the trees… and the sky have gone. And I am alone now. Alone.
Clara: Are you translating?
The Doctor: The wind bites now and the world is grey. And I am alone here. Can’t see me. Doesn’t see me. Can’t see me.
Clara: You can’t see it? Think all of London can see it.
Half-Face Man (Peter Ferdinando): You have good eyes.
Alf (Tony Way): I do as it happens. Very good eyes. They’re my greatest gift.
Half-Face Man: I accept.
Alf: What’s that for?
Half-Face Man: Your gift. I have bad eyes.
Clara: You said renewed. He doesn’t look renewed. He looks… older.
Madame Vastra: You thought he was young?
Clara: He looked young.
Madame Vastra: He looked like your dashing young gentleman friend. Your lover even.
Clara: Shut up.
Madame Vastra: But he is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold. He has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range.
Clara: I did not flirt with him.
Madame Vastra: He flirted with you.
Clara: How?
Madame Vastra: He looked young. Who do you think that was for?
Clara: Me?
Madame Vastra: Everyone.
Madame Vastra: I wear a veil as he wore a face. For the same reason.
Clara: For what reason?
Madame Vastra: For the oldest reason there is for anything: to be accepted.
Clara: Are you judging me?
Madame Vastra: The Doctor regenerated in your presence. The young man disappeared, the veil lifted. He trusted you. Are you judging him?
Clara: How dare you. How dare you.
The Doctor: Door. Boring. Not me. {he looks out the window} Me!
Clara: Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor. Last of the Five Good and stoic philosopher.
Madame Vastra: Superlative bass guitarist. The Doctor really knows how to put a band together.
Clara: And the only pin-up I ever had on my wall when I was fifteen. The only one I ever had. I am not sure who you think you’re talking to right now, Madame Vastra, but I have never had the slightest interest in pretty young men. And for the record if there was anybody who could flirt with a mountain range she’s probably standing in front of you right now! Just because my pretty face has turned your head do not assume that I am so easily distracted.
Madame Vastra: The Doctor needs us. You more than anyone. He is lost in the ruin of himself and we must bring him home.
Clara: When did you stop wearing your veil?
Madame Vastra: When you stopped seeing it.
The Doctor: Sorry. I’m going to have to relieve you of your pet.
Cabbie (Mark Kempner): You’re what?
The Doctor: Shut up. I was talking to the horse.
Madame Vastra: Who or what could have done this thing?
The Doctor: No.
Madame Vastra: I’m sorry?
The Doctor: No. That is not the question. That is not where we start.
The Doctor: A dinosaur is burning in the heart of London. Nothing left but smoke and flame. The question is: have there been any similar murders.
{…}
The Doctor: Question Two: if all the pudding brains are gawking, then what is he? {points to the Half-Faced Man}
Strax: Military tactics. The Doctor is still missing, but he will always come looking for his box. By bringing it here, he will be lured from the dangers of London to this place of safety and we will melt him with acid.
Clara: Okay, that last part?
Strax: And we will not melt him with acid. Old habits.
Strax: Ah! Miss Clara. You look better now you’re up.
Clara: Thank you Strax.
Strax: Oh. Sorry. Trick of the light. You still look terrible.
Strax: Now that’s interesting.
Clara: What? What’s interesting?
Strax: Deflected narcissism. Traces of passive aggressive. And… a lot of muscular young men doing sport.
Clara: What are you looking at?
Strax: Your subconscious.
The Doctor: I need, um, I need clothes. I need clothes, that’s what I need. And a big long scarf. No. I’ve moved on from that. Looks stupid.
The Doctor: Have you seen this face before?
Barney (Brian Miller): No.
The Doctor: Are you sure?
Barney: Sir, I have never seen that face.
The Doctor: It’s funny because I’m sure that I have. You know, I never know where the faces come from. They just pop up.
The Doctor: Why this one? Why did I choose this face? It’s like I’m trying to tell myself something. Like I’m trying to make a point. But what is so important that I can’t just tell myself what I’m thinking? I’m not just being rhetorical here. You can join in.
Barney: I don’t like it.
The Doctor: What?
Barney: Your face.
The Doctor: Well I don’t like it either. I mean it’s all right up to the eyebrows. Then it just goes haywire. Look at the eyebrows! These are attack eyebrows. You could take bottle tops off with these.
Barney: They are mighty eyebrows indeed sir.
The Doctor: They’re cross. They’re crosser than the rest of my face. They’re independently cross! They probably want to cede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows. That’s Scot, I am Scottish and I’ve gone Scottish.
Barney: Yes you are. You are definitely Scot sir. I hear it in your voice.
The Doctor: I am Scottish. I can complain about things. I can really complain about things now.
Barney: What devilry is this, sir?
The Doctor: I don’t know. But I probably blame the English.
Madame Vastra: By destroying the body so completely, you conceal what is missing from it.
Madame Vastra: Clara! Excellent. Pop your clothes on that chair there.
Clara: Look.
Madame Vastra: Advertisements. Yes. So many. It’s a distressing modern trend.
Clara: No. Look. {Impossible Girl}
Madame Vastra: The game is afoot. We’re going to need a lot of tea.
Madame Vastra: Perhaps you’re supposed to prove that you still know him. Think what that must mean for a man that barely knows himself.
Clara: That doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t do puzzles. He isn’t complicated. He really doesn’t have the attention span.
The Doctor: What’s wrong?
Clara: I don’t know, maybe the smell.
The Doctor: I know. It’s everywhere.
The Doctor: Are you cross with me?
Clara: I am not cross. But if I was cross it would be your fault. And… yes I am cross.
The Doctor: I guessed that.
Clara: I am extremely cross.
The Doctor: And if I hadn’t changed my face would you be cross?
Clara: I would be cross if I wasn’t cross.
Clara: So what kind of person would put a cryptic note in a newspaper advert?
The Doctor: Well I would like to say—
Clara: Oh go on, do say.
The Doctor: Well I would say that that person would be an egomaniac needy game player sort of person.
Clara: Thank you. Hm. Well at least that hasn’t changed.
The Doctor: And I don’t suppose it ever will.
Clara: No, I don’t suppose it will either.
The Doctor: Clara, honestly. I don’t want you to change. It was no bother, really. I saw your advert, I figured it out. Happy to play your game.
Clara: No. I didn’t place the ad, you placed the ad.
The Doctor: Well if neither of us placed that ad, who placed that ad?
Clara: Hang on. Egomaniac needy game player?
The Doctor: This could be a trap.
Clara: That was me?
The Doctor: Never mind that.
Clara: Yes, I am minding that.
The Doctor: Clara—
Clara: You were talking about me.
The Doctor: Clara. What is happening right now, in this restaurant to you and me, is more important than your egomania.
Clara: Nothing is more important than my egomania!
The Doctor: Right. You actually said that.
Clara: You never mention that again!
The Doctor: There is something extremely wrong with everybody else sitting in this room.
Clara: Basically don’t you always think that?
The Doctor: Look without looking.
Clara: Anything we can do?
The Doctor: How long can you hold your breath?
Clara: What are they?
The Doctor: I don’t know. But don’t worry because that’s not the question. The question is, what is this restaurant?
Clara: Okay. What is this restaurant?
The Doctor: I don’t know.
The Doctor: Ah, no sausages. And there’s no pictures either. Do you have a children’s menu? Any specials?
Waiter (Graham Duff): Liver.
The Doctor: I don’t like liver.
Waiter: Spleen. Brain stem. Eyes.
Clara: Um. Is there a lot of demand for those?
The Doctor: I don’t think that’s what’s on the menu. I think we are the menu.
The Doctor: You’ve got to admire their efficiency.
Clara: Is it okay if I don’t?
The Doctor: Hello. Hello! Are you the manager? I demand to speak to the manager!
Clara: This is not a real restaurant, is it?
The Doctor: Well. It’s more a sort of a automated organ collection station for the unwary diner. Sweeney Todd without the pies.
Clara: So where are we now?
The Doctor: Factually, an ancient spaceship probably buried for centuries. Functionally, a larder.
Clara: We’re alive in a larder?
The Doctor: Exactly. It’s cheaper than freezing us.
The Doctor: It’s times like this I miss Amy.
Clara: Who?
The Doctor: Nothing.
Clara about the screwdriver: You should make that thing voice-activated. {nothing} Oh for God’s sake it is, isn’t it.
The Doctor: I don’t want to talk about it.
The Doctor: Dormant.
Clara: How’d you know?
The Doctor: I don’t. I’m just hoping.
The Doctor: Droids harvesting spare parts. That rings a bell.
The Doctor: Look at the hands.
Clara: What about them?
The Doctor: Look at them.
Clara: Looking!
The Doctor: They don’t match. These hands don’t belong to the same body.
Clara: I don’t understand.
The Doctor: I don’t blame you. See this, this is not your normal cyborg. This isn’t a man turning himself into a robot. This is a robot turning himself into a man, piece by piece.
Clara: Is it awake?
The Doctor: It’s waking up. I think.
The Doctor: I’ve seen this before. I’m missing something. It’s a brand new head, rebooting.
The Doctor: Sorry, too slow. There’s no point in them catching us both.
Clara: Well give me the screwdriver.
The Doctor: I might need it. {he leaves her}
Clara: Never start with your final sanction. You’ve got nowhere to go but backwards.
Half-Face Man: We will not negotiate.
Clara: You don’t have a choice. I’ll tell you what. I’ll answer your questions if you answer mine.
Half-Face Man: We will not answer questions.
Clara: We’ll take turns. I’ll go first. Why’d you kill the dinosaur?
Half-Face Man: We will not answer questions!
Clara: Why’d you kill the dinosaur?!
Half-Face Man: We will not answer questions!
Clara: Then you might as well kill me, because I’m not talking again until you do.
Clara: How long have you been rebuilding yourselves? Look at the state of you. Is there any real you left? What’s the point?
Half-Face Man: We will reach the Promised Land.
Clara: The Promised Land, what’s that?
Half-Face Man: Where is the other one?
Clara: I don’t know. But I know where he will be. Where he will always be. If the Doctor is still the Doctor, he will have my back.
The Doctor: Hello, hello. Rubbish robots from the dawn of time. Thank you for all the gratuitous information. Five-foot-one and crying, you never stood a chance.
The Doctor: This is your power source, and feeble though it is, I can use it to blow this whole room if I see one thing I don’t like. And that includes karaoke and mimes, so take no chances.
The Doctor: You’re out of your depth, sir. Never try and control a control freak.
Half-Face Man: Why are you here?
The Doctor: Why did you invite us? The message in the paper, that was you wasn’t it? {nothing} Oh. I hate being wrong in public. Everybody forget that happened. Clara, say the word.
Clara: What word?
The Doctor: They never sent you in here without a word.
Clara: I don’t want to say it.
The Doctor: I’ve guessed it already.
Both: Geronimo.
Madame Vastra: The establishment upstairs has been disabled with maximum prejudice and the authorities summoned.
Clara: Hang on, she called the police. We never do that. We should start.
The Doctor: You’re not a murderer.
Clara: He’s not a what? This is a slaughterhouse!
The Doctor: Then how does that make it different from any other restaurant? You weren’t vegetarian last time I checked.
The Doctor: Fifty-first century, right? Time-traveling spaceship. Crashed in the past. You’re trying to get home the long way ’round.
The Doctor as the escape pod lifts off: Okay, that’s clever. How are you powering it?
Half-Face Man: Skin.
The Doctor: SS Marie Antoinette. Out-of-control repair droids cannibalizing human beings. I know that this is familiar but I just can’t seem to place this.
Half-Face Man: How would you kill me?
The Doctor: Sister ship of the Madame de Pompadour. Nope. Not getting it.
Half-Face Man: How would you kill me?
The Doctor: Droids and apostrophes, I could write a book.
Half-Face Man: How could you kill me?
The Doctor: For the same reason you ask me that question, because you don’t want to carry on.
The Doctor: There isn’t any Promised Land, it’s just a superstition.
The Doctor: There is not a trace of you left. You probably can’t even remember where you got that face from.
Half-Face Man: It cannot end.
The Doctor: It has to. You know it does. There’s only one way out.
Half-Face Man: Self-destruction is against my basic programming.
The Doctor: Murder is against mine.
The Doctor: I’ve already come a very long way. And unlike you I do not expect to reach the Promised Land.
The Doctor: You realize of course, one of us is lying about our basic programming.
Half-Face Man: Yes.
The Doctor: And I think we both know who that is.
Clara: Got a vacancy?
Madame Vastra: You would be very welcome to join our little household. But I have it on the highest authority that the Doctor will be returning for you very soon.
Clara: Whose authority?
Madame Vastra: The person who knows him best throughout the universe.
Clara: And who is that?
Madame Vastra: Miss Clara Oswald.
Clara: I don’t think I know who the Doctor is anymore.
Madame Vastra: It would seem my dear you’re very wrong about that. Clara! Give him hell. He’ll always need it.
Clara: You’ve redecorated.
The Doctor: Yes.
Clara: I don’t like it.
The Doctor: I’m not entirely convinced myself. I think there should be more round things on the walls. I used to have a lot of round things. I wonder where I put them.
The Doctor: I’m the Doctor. I’ve lived for over two thousand years. And not all of them were good. I’ve made many mistakes, and it’s about time that I did something about that.
The Doctor: Clara, I’m not your boyfriend.
Clara: I never thought you were.
The Doctor: I never said it was your mistake.
Clara: Who put that advert in the paper?
The Doctor: Who gave you that number? A long time ago, remember. You were given the number of a computer help line and you ended up phoning the TARDIS. Who gave you that number?
Clara: The woman. The woman in the shop.
The Doctor: Then there’s a woman out there who’s very keen that we stay together. How do you feel on the subject?
Clara: Am I home.
The Doctor: If you want to be.
Clara: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. But I don’t think I know who you are any more.
The Doctor: Better get that. Might be your boyfriend.
Clara: Shut up. I don’t have a boyfriend.
The Eleventh Doctor: It’s me. It’s me, Clara. The Doctor.
Clara: What do you mean, the Doctor?
The Eleventh Doctor: I’m phoning you from Trenzalore. From before I changed. I mean it’s all still to happen for me but it’s coming. Oh, it’s a-coming. Not long now. I can feel it.
The Doctor: So who is it?
The Eleventh Doctor: Is that the Doctor?
The Doctor: Is that the Doctor?
Clara: Yes.
The Eleventh Doctor: He sounds old. Please tell me I didn’t get old. Anything but old. I was young. Is he grey?
Clara: Yes.
The Eleventh Doctor: Clara, please. Hey, for me. Help him. Go on. And don’t be afraid. Goodbye, Clara. Miss ya.
The Doctor: Well?
Clara: Well what?
The Doctor: He asked you a question. Will you help me?
Clara: You shouldn’t have been listening.
The Doctor: I wasn’t, I didn’t need to. That was me talking. You can’t see me, can you? You look at me and you can’t see. Have you any idea what that’s like? I’m not on the phone, I’m right here. Standing in front of you. Please just… just see me.
Clara: Thank you.
The Doctor: For what?
Clara: Phoning. {she hugs him}
The Doctor: I don’t think that I’m a hugging person now.
Clara: I’m not sure you get a vote.
The Doctor: Whatever you say.
Clara: This isn’t my home by the way.
Clara: Where are we?
The Doctor: Glasgow, I think. Ah. You’ll fit right in. Scottish.
The Doctor: I don’t have any money.
Clara: You’re fetching then.
The Doctor: I’m not sure that I’m the fetching sort.
Clara: Yeah. Still not sure you get a vote.
Missy (Michelle Gomez): Hello! I’m Missy. You made it. I hope my boyfriend wasn’t too mean to you.
Half-Face Man: Boyfriend?
Missy: Now, did he push you out of that thing or did you fall? Couldn’t really tell. He can be very mean sometimes. Except to me of course, because he loves me so much. I do like his new accent though. Think I might keep it.
Half-Face Man: Where am I?
Missy: Where do you think you are? Look around you. You’ve made it. The Promised Land. Paradise! Welcome to Heaven.