The Snowmen

England 1842

The Snowman: Don’t need anyone else. I can help you.
Walter (Cameron Strefford): How?

50 Years Later

Dr. Simeon (Richard E. Grant): The last of the arrivals has been sampled.
The Snow Entity: The great swarm is approaching. As humanity celebrates, so shall it end. Will the final piece be ready?
Dr. Simeon: It’s in hand. I serve you in this, as in everything else.
The Snow Entity: And do you keep my secrets, those men who helped us tonight?
Dr. Simeon: Won’t be a problem. I promised to feed them.

Dr. Simeon: I said I’d feed you. I didn’t say who to.

Clara (Jenna-Louise Coleman): Did you make this snowman?
The Doctor: No.
Clara: Well who did? ‘Cause it wasn’t there a second ago. It just appeared… from nowhere.
The Doctor: Maybe it’s snow that fell before. Maybe it’s snow that remembers how to make snowmen.
Clara: What? Snow that can remember. That’s silly.
The Doctor: What’s wrong with silly?
Clara: Nothing. Still talking to you, ain’t I?
The Doctor: What’s your name?
Clara: Clara.
The Doctor: It’s a nice name. Clara. You should definitely keep it.

Clara: Oy. Where are you going? I thought we was just getting acquainted.
The Doctor: Those were the days.

Madame Vastra (Neve McIntosh): How refreshing to see you taking an interest again. Was she nice?
The Doctor: I just spoke to her.
Madame Vastra: And made your usual impact no doubt.
The Doctor: No, no impact at all. Those days are over.
Madame Vastra: You can’t help yourself. It’s the same story every time and it always begins with the same two words.
The Doctor: She’ll never be able to find me again. She doesn’t even have the name “Doctor”. What two words?
Clara popping in: Doctor? Doctor who?

Captain Latimer (Tom Ward): Who are you? What do you want here?
Dr. Simeon: The pond is yours, Captain Latimer. But what is growing inside it—when it is ready—is ours.

Jenny (Catrin Stewart): Well Dr. Simeon. You’re out very late tonight.
Madame Vastra: Almost makes you wonder what you’ve been up to. But then I have often wondered about the activities of Dr. Simeon and his exceptionally secret institute.
Dr. Simeon: Well I am honored this evening. The veiled detective. And her fatuous accomplice.
Jenny: At your service.

Dr. Simeon: You realize Dr. Doyle is almost certainly basing his fantastical tales on your own exploits. With a few choice alterations of course. I doubt the readers of The Strand Magazine would accept that the great detective is in reality a woman. And her suspiciously intimate companion.
Madame Vastra: I resent your implication of impropriety. We are married.
Jenny: More than can be said for you, eh dear?

Madame Vastra: Now then. This snow is interesting, don’t you think? The ice crystals seem to have a low level telepathic field. Almost as if it can detect and respond to the thoughts and memories of the people around it. Memory Snow. Snow that learns.
Dr. Simeon: How fascinating.
Madame Vastra: I hope it’s listening to the right people. It could be a terrible weapon in the wrong hands. Don’t you think?
Dr. Simeon: I think winter is coming. Such a winter as this world has never known. The last winter of humankind. Do you know why I’m telling you all this?
Madame Vastra: I’m intrigued.
Dr. Simeon: Because there’s not a single thing you can do to stop it.
Madame Vastra: Perhaps I can’t, but I know a man who can.
Dr. Simeon: I look forward to meeting him. {he walks off}
Jenny: Do you mean The Doctor? He won’t help us. He never helps anymore, you know that.
Madame Vastra: Yes my dear. I do. So pray for a miracle because I think we are going to need him.

Strax (Dan Starkey): They’ve taken samples from snowmen all over London. What do you suppose they’re doing in there?
The Doctor: This snow is new. Possibly alien. When you find something brand new in the world—something you’ve never seen before—what’s the next thing you look for?
Strax: A grenade!
The Doctor: A profit. That’s Victorian values for you.
Strax: I suggest a full-frontal assault with automated laser monkeys, scalpel mines and acid!
The Doctor: Why?
Strax: Couldn’t we at least investigate?

Strax: Sir, permission to express my opposition to your current apathy.
The Doctor: Permission granted.
Strax: Sir, I am opposed to your current apathy.

The Doctor: Over a thousand years of saving the universe, Strax, you know the one thing I learned? The universe doesn’t care.

The Doctor: Sontaran. Clone warrior race, factory-produced. Whole legions at a time. Two genders is a bit further than he can count.
Clara: Sir, do not discuss my reproductive cycle in front of enemy girls. It’s embarrassing!
The Doctor: Typical middle child of six million.
Clara: Who are you?
The Doctor: It doesn’t matter because you are about to forget that you and I ever met. {to Strax} We’ll need the worm.

The Doctor: Where is it?
Strax: Where’s what, sir?
The Doctor: I sent you to get the memory worm.
Strax: Did you? When? Who’s he? What are we doing here? Look! It’s been snowing!
The Doctor: You didn’t use the gauntlets, did you?
Strax: Why would I need the gauntlets?

The Doctor: Oy! Don’t try to run away. Stay where you are.
Clara: Why would I run? I know what’s gonna happen next and it’s funny.
The Doctor: What’s funny?
Clara: Well you’re little pal for a start. He’s an ugly little fella, isn’t he?
The Doctor: Maybe. He gave his life for a friend of mine once.
Clara: Then how come he’s alive?
The Doctor: Another friend of mine brought him back. I’m not sure all his brains made the return trip!
Clara: Neither am I.

The Doctor: And you’re still not trying to run.
Clara: I don’t understand how the snowman built itself. I’ll run… once you’ve explained.
The Doctor: Clara who?
Clara: Doctor who?
The Doctor: Oo, dangerous question.
Clara: What’s wrong with dangerous?

Clara: What about the snow? Shouldn’t we be warning people?
The Doctor: Not my problem. Merry Christmas.

Voice of the Great Intelligence (Ian McKellan): Tonight, the thaw. Tomorrow, the snow will fall again yet stronger. The Drowned Woman and the Dreaming Child will give us form at last. Tomorrow the snow shall fall and so shall mankind. She is coming!

Clara: Children are not really my area of expertise.
Captain Latimer: They are, however, your children.

Clara: Everything else is thawed but this pond is still frozen.

Clara: Franny, this is important. You dream about her. What do you dream?
Francesca (Ellie Darcey-Alden): She’s cross with me. She says I’ve been bad and she’s going to coming out of the pond to punish me.
Clara: When?
Francesca: She said she’d come back for Christmas. Tonight.
Digby (Joseph Darcey-Alden): I think Franny’s gone mad, don’t you? I think she needs a doctor.

Jenny: Now then! That’s enough noise! We don’t want to attract, attention do we?
Clara: I’m looking for The Doctor. Do you know about him? The Doctor?
Jenny: Doctor who?

Jenny: Madame Vastra will ask you questions. You will confine yourself to single word responses. One word only. Do you understand?
Clara: Why?
Madame Vastra: Truth is singular. Lies are words. Words are words. You met The Doctor, didn’t you?
Clara: Yes.
Madame Vastra: And now you’ve coming looking for him again. Why?
Jenny: Take your time. One word only.
Clara: Curiosity.
Madame Vastra: About?
Clara: Snow.
Madame Vastra: And about him.
Clara: Yes.
Madame Vastra: What do you want from him?
Clara: Help.
Madame Vastra: Why?
Clara: Danger.
Madame Vastra: Why would he help you?
Clara: Kindness.
Madame Vastra: The Doctor is not kind.
Clara: No?
Madame Vastra: No. The Doctor doesn’t help people. Not anyone, not ever. He stands above this world. And doesn’t interfere in the affairs of its inhabitants. He is not your salvation nor your protector. Do you understand what I am saying to you?
Clara: Words.

Madame Vastra: He was different once. A long time ago. Kind, yes. A hero even. A saver of worlds. But he suffered losses which hurt him. Now he prefers isolation to the possibility of pain’s return. Kindly choose a word to indicate your understanding of this.
Clara: Man.
Madame Vastra: We are The Doctor’s friends. We assist him in his isolation but that does not mean we approve of it. So. A test for you. Give me a message for The Doctor. Tell him all about the snow and what fresh danger you believe it presents and above all, explain why he should help you. But do it in one word. You’re thinking it’s impossible such a word exists or that you could even find it. Let’s see if the gods are with you.

Madame Vastra: Miss Clara and her concerns about the snow. I gave her the one word test.
The Doctor: That’s always pointless. What did she say? Well? Well.
Madame Vastra: “Pond.”

Dr. Simeon, sir. There’s someone demanding to see you.
Dr. Simeon: No callers. Not in here, not ever. Did he leave his name?
Sir. It’s Sherlock Holmes!

The Doctor: Oh hello! Nice office. Big globe-y thing. Now shut up. Don’t tell me. I see by your collar stud that you have an apple tree and a wife with a limp. Am I right?
Dr. Simeon: No.
The Doctor: Do you have a wife?
Dr. Simeon: No.
The Doctor: Bit of a tree? Bit of a wife? Some apples? Come on, work with me here.

The Intelligence: We are the Intelligence.
The Doctor: Oo. Talking snow! I love new things.
The Intelligence: You are not of this world.
The Doctor: Takes one to snow one.

Dr. Simeon: You must leave here now.
The Doctor: Shut up. I’m making deductions. It’s very exciting.

The Doctor: Now, what are you? Eh? A flock of space crystals. A swarm! But the snowmen are foot soldiers. Mindless predators. But you. You’re the clever one. You’re Moriarty. So you turn up on a planet, you generate a telepathic field to learn what you can. When you’ve learned enough… what do you do? You can’t conquer the world using snowmen. Snowmen are rubbish in July. You’ll have to be better than that. You’ll have to evolve. You need to translate yourself into something more, well, human. But to do that you need a perfect duplicate of human DNA in ice form. Where do you find… that?

The Doctor: What are you doing here?
Strax: Madame Vastra wondered if you were needing any grenades.
The Doctor: Grenades?
Strax: She might have said help.

The Doctor: Don’t be clever, Strax, it doesn’t suit you.
Strax: Sorry sir.
The Doctor: I’m the clever one. You’re the potato one.
Strax: Yes sir.
The Doctor: Now go away.

Clara: There’s a man called The Doctor. He lives on a cloud in the sky. And all he does, all day every day, is to stop all the children in the world ever having bad dreams.
Francesca: I’ve been having bad dreams.
Clara: He’s been on holiday.

Digby: Where did she go? Will she come back?
The Doctor: Oh don’t worry. She’s currently draining through your carpet. New setting: antifreeze.

Clara: It’s cooler.
The Doctor: Yeah, it is, isn’t it? Bow ties are cool.
Clara: No, the room. The room’s getting colder.

Digby: She’s coming back!
Francesca: What’s she going to do? Is she going to punish me?
The Doctor: She’s learned not to melt. Of course she’s not really a governess, she’s just a beast. She’s going to eat you. Run.

Alice (Liz White): Captain Latimer, in the garden, there’s snowmen. And they’re just growing. Out of nowhere all by themselves. Look! {she opens the door to}
Vastra: Good evening. I’m a lizard woman from the dawn of time. And this is my wife.
Strax: This dwelling is under attack. Remain calm, human scum.
The Doctor: So. Any questions?
Captain Latimer to Clara: You have a gentleman friend?

The Doctor: Your current governess is in reality a former barmaid called Clara. Meanwhile your previous governess is now a living ice sculpture impersonating Mr. Punch.

Vastra: You missed this, didn’t you?
The Doctor: Shut up.

Strax: Sir, please do not noogie me during combat prep.

Vastra: Sir, there’s something here they want.
Clara: The ice woman.
The Doctor: Exactly.
Clara: Why’s she so important?
The Doctor: Because she’s a perfect duplication of human DNA in ice crystal form. The ultimate fusion of snow and humanity. To live here the snow needs to evolve and she’s the blueprint. She’s what they need to become. When the snow melted last night, did it melt in the pond?
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Living ice. It will never melt. If the snow gets hold of that creature on the stairs it will learn to make more of them. It will build an army of ice. And it will be the last day of humanity on this planet.

Dr. Simeon: Release her to us. You have five minutes.

Clara: Doctor, what are you doing?
The Doctor: Between you and me, can’t wait to find out.

The Doctor: That was stupid!
Clara: You were stupid too!
The Doctor: Yeah, but I’m allowed. I’m good at stupid!

The Doctor: No, I do the hand grabbing! That’s my job, that’s always me!

Clara: After you.
The Doctor: After you.
Clara: After you. I’m wearing a dress. Eyes front soldier.
The Doctor: My eyes are always front.
Clara: Mine aren’t.
The Doctor: Stop it!
Clara: No.

Clara: So you can move your cloud. You can control it.
The Doctor: No. No one can control clouds. That would be silly. The wind… a little bit.

The Doctor: So, barmaid or governess, which is it?
Clara: That thing is after us and you want to chat?
The Doctor: Well we can’t chat after we’ve been horribly killed, can we?
Clara: How did we get up so high so quick?
The Doctor: Clever staircase. It’s taller on the inside.

The Doctor: It’s called the TARDIS. It can travel anywhere in time and space. And it’s mine.
Clara: But it’s… Look at it, it’s…
The Doctor: Go on, say it. Most people do. {she runs around it}
Clara: …smaller on the outside.
The Doctor: Okay. That is a first.

Clara: Why are you showing me all this?
The Doctor: You followed me, remember? I didn’t invite you.
Clara: You’re nearly a foot taller than I am. You could have reached the ladder without this. You took it. For me. Why?
The Doctor: I never know why. I only know who. {he hands her a TARDIS key}

Captain Latimer: We have to get her inside.
Vastra: Those things will kill you.
Captain Latimer: She’s hurt!
Vastra: She’s dead.

The Doctor: It was my fault. I am responsible for what happened to Clara. She was in my care.
Clara: What is the point of blaming yourself?
The Doctor: None. Because she’s going to live.

Clara: The green woman, she said you were the savior of worlds once. Are you going to save this one?
The Doctor: If I do, will you come away with me?
Clara: Yes.
The Doctor: Well then. Merry Christmas.

The Doctor: I have in my hand a piece of the ice lady. Everything you need to know about how to make ice people. Is that what you want? See you at the office!

Vastra: So then, Doctor. Saving the world again? Might I ask why? Are you making a bargain with the universe? You’ll save the world to let her live.
The Doctor: Yes. And don’t you think, after all this time and everything I have ever done, that I am owed this one!
Vastra: I don’t think the universe makes bargains.
The Doctor: It was my fault!
Vastra: Well then. Better save the world.

The Doctor: Do you know what this is, big fella?
The Great Intelligence: I do not understand these markings.
The Doctor: A map of the London Underground 1967. Key strategic weakness in metropolitan living, if you ask me. But then I have never liked a tunnel.
The Great Intelligence: Enough of this. We are powerful but on this planet we are limited. We need to learn to take human form. The governess is our most perfect replication of humanity.
Vastra: What’s happening to its voice?
The Doctor: Just stripping away the disguise.
The Great Intelligence: No, stop! Stop! Cease! I command you!
Vastra: It sounds like a child.
The Doctor: Of course it sounds like a child. It is a child. Simeon as a child. The snow has no voice without him.
The Great Intelligence: Don’t listen to him. He’s ruining everything.
The Doctor: How long has the intelligence been talking to you?
Dr. Simeon: I was a little boy. He was my snowman. He spoke to me.
The Doctor: Snow doesn’t talk, does it? It’s just a mirror. It just reflects back everything we think and feel and fear. You poured your darkest dreams into a snowman and look—look what it became!
Vastra: I don’t understand.
The Doctor: It’s a parasite feeding on the loneliness of a child and the sickness of an old man. Carnivorous snow meets Victorian values. And something terrible is born.
The Great Intelligence: We can go on and do everything we planned.
The Doctor: Oh yes, and what a plan. A world full of living ice people. Oh dear me. How very Victorian of you.

The Great Intelligence: Did you really think it would be so easy?
The Doctor: That’s not possible. How is that possible?

The Doctor: But you were just Dr. Simeon. You were not real. He dreamed you. How can you exist?
The Great Intelligence: Now the dream outlives the dreamer and can never die. Once I was the puppet, now I pull the strings.

The Doctor: There was a critical mass of snow at the house. If something happened there…
Vastra: It’s salty. Salt water rain.
The Doctor: It’s not raining. It’s crying. The only force on earth that could drown the snow: a whole family crying on Christmas Eve.

The Doctor: We saved the world, Clara. You and me. We really really did.
Clara: Are you going back to your cloud?
The Doctor: No more cloud. Not now.
Clara: Why not?
The Doctor: It rained.

Vastra: And what about the Intelligence? Melted with the snow?
The Doctor: No, I shouldn’t think so. It learned to survive beyond physical form.
Jenny: Well we can’t be in much danger from a disembodied intelligence that thinks it can invade the world with snowmen.
Vastra: Or that the London Underground is a key strategic weakness.

The Doctor: The Great Intelligence. That rings a bell.

Clara: Run. Run you clever boy. And remember…

The Doctor: I never knew her name. soufflé Girl. Oswin. It was her. It was soufflé Girl again.

The Doctor: Something’s going on. Something impossible. Something… Right, you two stay here. Stay right here. Don’t move an inch.
Vastra: Are you coming back?
The Doctor: Shouldn’t think so.
Vastra: But where are you going?
The Doctor: To find her. To find Clara.

Jenny: But Clara’s dead. What’s he talking about? Finding her?
Vastra: I don’t know. But perhaps the universe makes bargains after all.

Friend (Sophie Miller-Sheen): Don’t you think it’s creepy?
Clara: Nah. I don’t believe in ghosts.

The Doctor: Clara! Oswin! Oswald! Watch me run.