1991 Young Shawn: What’s going on, Dad? Henry: What? Oh, ah, nothing. Just work stuff. Young Shawn: Can you tell me about it? Henry: Maybe when you’re a little older. Young Shawn: Come on. I’m old enough to drive. I think I can handle hearing about one of your cases. Henry: Shawn, you’re not going […]
At a press conference outside Lompoc Thane Woodsen (Anthony Anderson): Look, state penal code 4903 states that I’m owed restitution. I know my rights! I have a law degree! Mandelbaum (Rob Benedict): Okay, he doesn’t have a law degree. Thane: I’m close! Mandelbaum: Okay, he might have taken some classes. Reporter: But in the eyes […]
Chief Vick: Dr. Strode, does the name Bob White mean anything to you? Woody: Is he a children’s clown? Chief Vick: No. Woody: Adults-only clown? Chief Vick: No, he’s not a clown of any sort. You performed an autopsy on him two nights ago. He was hit by a bus. Woody: Oh! Of course, I’m […]
Shawn: Shawn Spencer. Tony’s friend from the last time he came to town and got kidnapped. Shawn: Kudos on the Asian Lori Petty look. Tina (Liz Lapira): Congratulations on the skinny Chaz Bono look. Shawn: Thank you very much. {to Gus} Was that a compliment? Gus: No. Shawn: You guys are trying to protect me […]
Hilton Fox (Wayne Brady): Look, all you have to do is line the people up in a row. Here, you want me to fix this. Watch this. Take one white guy, put him in a suit along with the rest of the Backstreet Boys. Boom! And you fall in love. There we go, show done. […]
Juliet: I’m at the Psych office, I’ll be there in like ten minutes {…} Well I think they’re going to follow me no matter what. Gus: So? Shawn: Nothing suspicious. I’m going to have to go rogue and fabricate something to get us in on this one. Gus: How is that different from usual? Shawn: […]
1991 Henry: Alright, Shawn. Say a few words, let’s wrap this up so we can get this dead thing off my kitchen table. Young Shawn: I’m not ready yet. Henry: Shawn, not again. You left the hamster in the freezer for two months while you hemmed and hawed over the appropriateness of a burial at […]
Read More… from Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger
Shawn: Make sure you water my plants thrice daily, but do not talk to them. Because once they get started they will not stop. Especially Jim. Gus: Jim’s the ficus? Shawn: He is indeed. Shawn: Read my thoughts. Gus: I don’t know how to do that. Shawn: Yes you do. Ready? Gus: Fine. Waffles! Shawn: […]
Shawn: We’ve got serious business to attend to. Henry: Serious business? You’re going to the opening of a new cupcake store. Gus: No, we’re going to the closing of an old cupcake store. Shawn: And then we’re going to an opening of a new cupcake store. Henry: Bring me back a red velvet. Gus: I […]
Florida, 1990 Mrs. O’Hara: Juliet, the party’s almost over. I don’t think Daddy’s coming, sweetie. Young Juliet: He’s coming. I know it. Mrs. O’Hara: Okay. But it’s a little rude to stay in here all day. And hey, your clown’s leaving soon. Young Juliet: He can’t even juggle. Present Day Chief Vick: So what’s the […]
1991 Henry: Hey Shawn. How was your day? Young Shawn: Oh, the usual. Well, I’m headed up to my room to play Legend of Zelda. Henry: Got a call rom your school awhile ago. Young Shawn: Uh. You did? Henry: Mm hm. It was the nurse and she said—and I quote, “Shawn tried to get […]
1991 Young Shawn: Hey Cal. Someday I’m going to be just like you. Well, not just like you. I won’t chew tobacco, that’s murder on the gums. And I’ll get a different haircut. Not that yours is that bad. It just won’t work my head, you know? And, ah, I definitely won’t grab my crotch […]
1991 Young Shawn: That’s Gus. He and I are going to the comic book convention. Henry: Just be finished saving the world before the street lights come on. Shawn answers the door and Gus comes tapping in. Young Shawn: Where’s your costume? Young Gus: I’m wearing it. I’m Tap Man. The tap-dancing super hero. Young […]
Bartender: What’s your poison? Lassiter: Humanity. Bartender: Bad day in the universe, huh? Lassiter: Eh. They all sort of run together. Unless a corpse resurfaces and a body [?] liquidates some nut-loving rodentia. Marlowe Viccellio (Kristy Swanson): I hope you weren’t saving this stool for someone else. Lassiter: Do I know you? Or do you […]
Present Day Shawn: Please explain to me again we’re doing here. As opposed to doing anything else in the world. Gus: We’re paying respects to a man who dedicated his life’s work the police department, Shawn. Shawn: Oh please! You don’t know Jim. Woody: Hey guys. When’s the pinata coming out? Shawn: I don’t know […]
Present Day Shawn: Alright, I’m in. Describe the item. Gus: Really? You’ve forgotten already? Shawn: I’m sorry. I thought I was busy James Bonding it up in here, Gus. Gus: It’s a Star Wars toy, Shawn. Easy as that. We went through this. Twice. Gus: Are you playing with the toys? Shawn: Dude, this kid […]