Santa Claus (Nick Frost): Moron! Numbskull! Elf!
Ian (Dan Starkey): That’s racist!
Santa Claus: Of course it’s not racist. You are an elf. Chimneys?
Ian: I’m sorry?
Santa Claus: I’m just checking that you can see these massive chimneys.
Ian: They’re hard to miss!
Santa Claus: Well as you’ve clearly demonstrated, Ian.
Ian: You know no one really likes the tangerines don’t you?
Santa Claus: How dare you! That’s my signature gift.
Santa Claus: We, we… are just three passing perfectly ordinary… roof people doing some emergency… roof things. Carry on. Merry Christmas. If, if it is Christmas, I mean. I don’t much care for things like that myself. I mean… Christmas! {he laughs}
Clara: Are you… Santa Claus?
Santa Claus: Me? No! Oh no. That’s just, that’s ridiculous. No no no! {reindeer come flying up behind him}
Ian: Rudolph! Rudolph, down here!
Santa Claus: All right fine. Yes, it’s me. Ha. Guilty. How did you recognize me?
Wolf (Nathan McMullen): You know how you grew the beard as a bit of a disguise? People have picked up on it.
Clara: Okay, no. Hang on. Stop. Shut up. What? Seriously. You… You’re Father Christmas, you’re real.
Santa Claus: Of course I’m real. Ho ho ho.
Wolf: How could he not be real?
Santa Claus: Huh? How do you think those presents got under the tree every year? By magic?
Santa Claus: Okay, right. Clara Oswald. Mostly favors travel books, science kits. Strict ban on hair products. Marginal for the naughty list ’93. Tsk tsk tsk. Believer until the age of nine. Why did you stop?
Clara: Because you’re a fairy tale. I grew out of fairy tales.
Santa Claus: Did you, Clara? Did you really?
The Doctor: Clara, I want you to step inside the TARDIS. I don’t want you to talk. I want you to do as I ask, please.
Ian: That was good with the box.
Wolf: Not often we get upstaged in a rooftop.
The Doctor: Yes. I’m really here. I’m back. Now get inside the TARDIS.
The Doctor: I know what this is. I know what’s happening, and I know what’s at stake.
Santa Claus: I don’t think you do, Doctor. But I promise before this Christmas Day is done, you will be glad of my help.
The Doctor: Happy Easter.
Wolf: Ohhh… brutal.
Ian: Cool exit line though.
Santa Claus: Be sure to save some room for a tangerine, Doctor.
The Doctor: Nobody likes the tangerines.
Clara: Doctor. Talk to me. I never thought I was going to see you again. What is going on out there? What is happening? Oh, that noise. I never knew how much I loved it.
The Doctor: There’s something you have to ask yourself and it’s important. Your life may depend on it—everybody’s life. Do you really believe in Santa Claus?
Clara: Do you know what? Yeah. Right now, yeah. I think I do.
Ashley (Natalie Gumede): There are four sleepers inside the infirmary. You’re fine as long as they don’t wake up.
Professor Rona Bellows (Maureen Beattie): She’s in range.
Ashley: Shona, I’m unsealing the infirmary. From now on, everything you think and feel—everything you see will be available to them. Most of it’s fine, like traffic noise when you’re sleeping, so long as you don’t think about them. So long as you don’t look at them. So don’t think about them, don’t look at them.
Ashley: Shona? Shona, what’s wrong?
Shona McCullough (Faye Marsay): We’ve got ghosts!
Ashley: Ghosts?
Shona: Yeah, yeah. There’s a skeleton man and a girl in a nightie.
Clara: Doctor?
Shona: No no no! You’re making me think about them! Don’t make me think about them!
Clara: What are they?
Shona: Look, just don’t ask. Yeah? And don’t look. Just don’t make me think about them.
The Doctor: Deaf… blind…. How can they see us? How do they even know that we’re here?
Shona: They can only see you, yeah, if you see them. So just don’t look. Just don’t even think about them.
The Doctor: Oh, telepathic. They can home in on their own image in someone else’s brain. Third party perception. Mind piracy. {to Clara} We’re being hacked.
Clara: What does that even mean?
The Doctor: The visual input from your optic nerve is being streamed to their brains. Stop broadcasting. Close your eyes.
The Doctor trying to distract Clara: Danny Pink! What is Danny Pink up to right now? He’s probably flirting with your neighbor, or texting women of low moral character. {she slaps him}
Clara: Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare say that.
The Doctor: I was only—
Clara: Danny Pink is dead.
The Doctor: No he’s not.
Clara: He’s dead.
Santa Claus: Well now. What seems to be the problem? This is the North Pole. We don’t want any trouble here.
Ashley to Santa: Who the hell are you?
The Doctor: Oh, take a guess. Go on, push the boat out. Tooth Fairy, maybe? Easter Bunny.
Ian pointing a balloon at him: Shut your mouth, wise guy, or you get yours.
Wolf: It’s a balloon animal.
Ian: That’s a toy gun.
Wolf: Yeah, but at least it’s unsuitable for children under four. Parts small enough to swallow, so… watch out.
Ashley: Who are you? Why are you dressed like… that?
Santa Claus: Why do you think?
Shona: Come on, this is mental! *This* is totally not happening.
Santa Claus: I’ve got three words, Shona. Don’t make me use ’em.
Shona: What three words?
Santa Claus: My Little Pony.
Shona: Shut up, you.
Santa Claus: Yeah? I’ve got lots more, babe.
Shona: I will mark you, Santa.
Clara: Okay, Doctor. Are you going to explain? What is going on?
Santa Claus: It’s an invasion, Miss Oswald.
Clara: An invasion of what? Elves?
Wolf: Woah. That is racist!
Ian: Elfist!
Wolf: Yeah, which is a bit hypocritical from someone of your height.
Santa Claus: You’ve seen them before, Doctor?
The Doctor: I’ve heard of them.
Santa Claus: The Kantrofarri.
The Doctor: Colloquially known as the Dream Crabs.
Santa Claus: Yeah. Depending how many of those are already on Earth, the human race may well have seen its last day. So we can stand about arguing whether I’m real or not, or, ah, are we going to get busy saving Christmas?
Ian: Oh! Santa goes bad ass.
Wolf: Oh, he’s giving me the feels.
Santa Claus: Shut up. That’s a, that’s a verbal warning. Please. Stop it.
Shona: If you are Santa, what are you doing here?
Santa Claus: It’s the North Pole and I own it.
Ian: He means the actual pole.
Wolf: It goes right through the middle of the workshop.
Ian: I’ve got the selfie with it.
Santa Claus: Show her, look. Look at him!
Shona: The North Pole isn’t an actual pole.
Ian: Of course it is, look.
Shona: If it was an actual pole it would not be stripy.
Wolf: It’s gotta be stripy.
Ian: Otherwise you couldn’t see it moving around.
Wolf: It’s actually basic physics.
Ashley: Why is it called a Dream Crab for a start?
The Doctor: Theorize.
Ashley: Because it generates a telepathic field.
The Doctor: And.
Ashley: Altered perception.
The Doctor: Meaning.
Ashley: I seem to be doing all the work here.
Clara: Meaning that we can’t trust anything we see or here.
Ashley looking at the TARDIS: What is that?
The Doctor: That’s how Clara and I got here.
Ashley: In a box.
The Doctor: Technically, in a telephone kiosk.
Ashley: How?
The Doctor: Because it’s a spaceship in disguise. You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart?
Ashley: What?
The Doctor: They’re both ridiculous.
Santa Claus: There’s not just one Santa delivery team. How could there be? There are 526,403,012 children all expecting presents before tomorrow morning. So, huh, that’s… 22 million children per hour. That’s impossible. Obviously. I’ve got a second sled.
Clara: Are we in danger?
The Doctor: Oh we are well past danger, Clara. If I’m right, and I usually am, we’re dying.
Ashley: And how do we stay alive?
The Doctor: I like you. Straight to the point. I want you to show me how you first encountered those creatures and what happened to those people in the infirmary. I notice you all wear minicams so I assume that there is footage.
Ashley: Is it possible I’m about to work with someone who might be a dream?
The Doctor: If it helps, so am I.
The Doctor: Ashley. What’s this polar base for? Why are you all here?
Ashley: It’s a long story.
Clara: What you said about Danny. Unacceptable.
The Doctor: I know. I had to flood your mind with random emotions.
Clara: Random?
The Doctor: You never told me he was dead. You said he made it back.
Clara: Well I lied. I lied so you’d go home to Gallifrey instead of fussing about me.
The Doctor: I never found Gallifrey. I lied. So you’d stay with Danny.
Clara: So we’re dying then.
The Doctor: Yes.
Clara: Why?
The Doctor: All complicated.
Clara: How long do we have?
The Doctor: No idea.
Clara: Just, Doctor, give me something to do.
The Doctor: Trust nothing. Accept nothing you see. Whatever happens, interrogate everything.
Clara: In case it’s a lie.
The Doctor: In case it’s a lie.
Shona: Reindeer can’t fly. They just can’t.
Santa Claus: No. No, they can’t. It’s a scientific impossibility. That is why I feed mine magic carrots.
The Doctor: You don’t seem much like a scientist.
Shona: Well that’s a bit rude coming from a magician.
The Doctor: Why are you out here? What brought you to the North Pole?
Shona: Long story, isn’t it.
The Doctor: You missed a killer question.
Shona: Sorry, what?
The Doctor: Beardy-weirdy.
Santa Claus: Yeah.
The Doctor: How’d you get all the presents in the sleigh?
Santa Claus: Bigger on the inside.
Professor Albert (Michael Troughton): They’re a bit like face huggers, aren’t they?
The Doctor: Face… huggers?
Professor Albert: Oh, you know. Like Alien. The horror movie Alien.
The Doctor: There’s a horror movie called Alien? That’s really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you.
The Doctor: Clara, could you fetch me the dead one?
Clara: Maybe I could fetch you a cup of tea while I’m at it.
The Doctor: Ooo, yes. And a punch in the face too.
Clara: My very next suggestion.
The Doctor: Fair enough.
Clara: Think about something else. Think about something else. Danny Pink! Danny, Danny… Danny Pink, I love you. I know I’ll never see you again and I am sorry I lied. I am sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
Danny Pink (Samuel Anderson): Ho ho ho.
Clara: Who are you?
Danny: What do you mean, who am I? Who do you think I am?
Clara: Danny.
Danny: Merry Christmas.
Danny: How do you make you clever into me being clever?
Clara: I always protect your ego from the truth.
Danny: Oh. Um. Thank you for that.
Clara: It’s Christmas.
Santa Claus: I can commit several million housebreaks in one night dressed in a red suit with jingle bells. So of course I can get back into the infirmary.
The Doctor: Good because there is only one way that I can communicate with Clara.
The Doctor: It’s not real, Clara. You know it’s not real. It’s a dream and it’s killing you.
Clara: Merry Christmas.
Clara: You remember Danny of course.
The Doctor: Not as well as you, clearly. You’ve made him a fraction taller. Merry Christmas, PE.
Danny: Compliments of the season, sir.
The Doctor: Dialogue’s pretty good too. Nice work. It’s all in the detail.
Clara: Just stop it.
The Doctor: He’s not real, Clara. None of this is real. What’s real is there is an alien organism wrapped around your face, keeping you warm and happy while it eats you.
Clara: How can we both be having the same dream?
The Doctor: There was only one way to get to you.
Clara: And what was that?
The Doctor: I’m dying too.
The Doctor: Danny Pink died saving the world.
Danny: I really didn’t.
The Doctor: I’m sorry. I thought there was a way back for him but I was wrong. I can’t change that. He’s dead.
Danny: I didn’t die saving the world, Doctor. I died saving Clara. The rest of you just got lucky. How long has she got?
The Doctor: Minutes ’til it’s irreversible.
Danny: Well then get out ‘the way.
Danny: I’m a dream and you know I am, right? {she nods} Now one thing. But it’s important—it’s a very important thing. That is totally how you guessed all of my presents.
Clara: I miss you.
Danny: Five minutes.
Clara: What?
Danny: You can miss me for five minutes a day. And you better do it properly. You better be sad. I expect my five. But all the rest of the time, Clara—all the rest of the time, every single second—you just get the hell on with it. Clear?
Clara: Don’t you soldier me.
Danny: Do as you’re told.
The Doctor: Brave.
Danny: Dead already.
Danny: How does she wake up?
The Doctor: I don’t know. Just try. Accept this isn’t real and try.
Danny: Do it. For me.
Clara: When I wake up you won’t be there.
Danny: Do you know why people get together at Christmas? Because every time they do it might be the last time. Every Christmas is last Christmas. And this is ours. This is a bonus. This is extra. Now it’s time to wake up.
Bellows: So these creatures. When the feeding goes wrong, they die.
The Doctor: Carnivore’s hazard. Food has teeth too.
The Doctor: You okay?
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Good. There are some things we should never be okay about.
Clara: There’s no wound.
The Doctor: No. The pain’s still there, isn’t it?
Shona: Is it the ice cream pain, just here? ‘Cause I’ve got that.
Bellows: It’s the cold I think. Some sort of reaction.
The Doctor: But only on one side. Just that spot there. Doesn’t that strike you as odd?
Professor Albert: Well we’ve all got it.
Clara: Okay, so why do we all have that pain?
The Doctor: Remember how we all first met? In the infirmary. All those creatures coming down from the ceiling attacking us. We never stood a chance. How did we survive that?
Shona: Well we were rescued.
The Doctor: Yeah. We were rescued. And who was it that rescued us?
Professor Albert: We’ve all been dreaming?
Santa Claus: Oh for Easter’s sake! Of course you’ve been dreaming. Haven’t you all been paying attention? Rudolph.
Ian: Did you see the nose?
Wolf: The North Pole? Come on, with stripes?
Ian: This.
Wolf: Is.
All: A dream.
Shona: You’re a dream who’s trying to save us?
Santa Claus: Shona. Sweetheart. I’m Santa Claus. I think you just defined me.
The Doctor: This makes perfect sense. The Dream Crab tries to make the dream as real as possible to trap you inside. It creates dreams within dreams so you can never be sure if you are really awake. But your brain knows something is wrong. Your subconscious fights back. This is your mind trying to tell you that this isn’t real.
Santa Claus: And so it gives you me. Sweet Papa Chrimbo.
Ian: It gives you comedy elves. Flying reindeer.
The Doctor: Exactly.
Santa Claus: Time traveling scientist dressed as a magician.
Ian: Classic!
The Doctor: No. No no no, hang on, no no no.
Wolf: Living in a phone box.
The Doctor: It’s a spaceship in disguise.
Santa Claus: You see how none of this makes any sense?
The Doctor: Shut up, Santa.
Santa Claus: I have watched over you all your lives. I’ve taken care of you from Christmas to Christmas.
Bellows: But you’re not real.
Santa Claus: And yet that never stopped me.
Santa Claus: All of you, come here. Join hands!
The Doctor: No no no. Look, we don’t need all this touchy-feely stuff.
Santa Claus: Shut up, Doctor. Join hands! Come on, concentrate.
Bellows: Why?
Santa Claus: You are deep inside this dream, all right? And it is a shared mental state. So it is drawing power from the multi-consciousness gestalt which is now formed telepathically—
The Doctor: No. No, no no no. Line in the sand. Santa Claus does not do the scientific explanation.
Santa Claus: All right. As the Doctor might say, “Oh, it’s all a bit dreamy-weamy!”
The Doctor: Why don’t you just go and make up a naughty list?
Santa Claus: I have, mate. And you’re on it.
The Doctor: Don’t give me that. Look, you’re supposed to be warm and friendly and cheerful.
Santa Claus: Oh yeah. Well look at your great bedside manner.
The Doctor: Don’t be so hostile.
Clara: Doctor. Behave.
Shona: I’m scared.
The Doctor: Congratulations, that means you’re not an idiot.
The Doctor: No need for chatting. You’ll only get attached. This isn’t Facebook.
Clara: Doctor. If Santa was only in the dream, why was he on my roof?
The Doctor: Do you know what I hate about the obvious?
Clara: What?
The Doctor: Missing it!
The Doctor: Clara. Page number. Make it a good one.
Clara pointedly: Twelve.
The Doctor: Wherever you are, the Dream Crabs have got us. And we’re all being networked into the same nightmare.
Ashley: Where’s Albert? Where’s the Professor?
The Doctor: He probably just woke up somewhere in the real world dead. If we don’t wake up now, we’ll do the same.
Clara: But how?
The Doctor: I don’t know.
Clara: So what happens now? This is us all just waking up, right?
The Doctor: Could be. I hope so. Waking up or…
Clara: Or?
The Doctor: Just focus on this: do you believe in Santa Claus?
Clara: I’ve always believed in Santa Claus, but he looks a little different to me. {she hugs the Doctor}
Shona: I work in a shop.
Ashley: I’m sorry?
Shona: I thought I was a scientist. That’s rubbish.
Bellows: Finally, something that makes sense.
Shona: You’re horrible, you.
Ashley: Perfume.
Shona: What?
Ashley: I’m an account manager. For perfume. Does this mean we’re waking up?
The Doctor: Possibly. With any luck, we’ll all wake up in our proper times and places.
Clara: Proper times?
The Doctor: Well we could all be from different time zones. Time travel is always possible in dreams.
Shona: We might not know each other? Not any of us?
Ashley: No, possibly not.
Shona: Well you know what we should do? We should swap numbers. We should have a reunion.
Shona: Santa, can I stay a bit longer?
Clara: It’s a pity we have to wake up, really. It’s not something you do everyday is it?
Santa Claus: No no. Strictly once a year.
The Doctor: We stay, we die, Clara.
Clara: You’re always such a downer, Doctor.
Santa Claus: You really should be waking up too, Clara.
Clara: Just a little longer.
Santa Claus: Why?
Clara: Every Christmas is Last Christmas.
The Doctor: Oh Clara. I might have known that you would be the one to sleep in.
The Doctor: Well. Good to see you properly at last. How long has it been? Clara!
Clara: Oh you know. About 62 years. Doctor. I have missed you very much. You stupid old man.
The Doctor: Regrets?
Clara: Oh, hundreds. I just wish there were time for a few more.
The Doctor: We should do this every Christmas.
Clara: Because every Christmas is Last Christmas.
The Doctor: I’m sorry. I was stupid. I should have come back earlier. I wish that I had.
Santa Claus: Do you, Doctor? How much do you wish that?
The Doctor: I’m not still…?
Santa Claus: Wakey wakey!
Clara: Doctor. Am I young?
The Doctor: No idea. {he grabs a mirror} Is that any good?
Clara: Oh, that’s good.
The Doctor: The TARDIS is outside.
Clara: So?
The Doctor: So all of time and space is sitting out there in a big blue box. Please! Don’t even argue.
The Doctor: Merry Christmas, Doctor.
Clara: Merry Christmas, Clara Oswald.
Clara: Well look at you all happy. That’s rare.
The Doctor: You know what’s rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don’t even know who to thank.