Pilot
Rufus Humphrey (Matthew Settle): Welcome back. How was your weekend? How’s your mom?
Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen): She’s fine.
Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgely): She’s good.
Jenny: Fine and good.
Dan: She’s good and… fine.
Rufus: Like “maybe I never should have left Manhattan”, fine? Or “taking time off from my marriage was the best idea I ever had” fine?
Dan changing the subject: Dad, you know what, I’m starving.
Rufus Humphrey: Guess whose dad is cool.
Jenny: It’s a trick question.
Dan: Yeah, ’cause it can’t be ours.
Rufus: Look at this.
Dan reading Rolling Stone: “Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the 90s.”
Rufus: Yeah. Check out who’s number nine.
Jenny: He’s very proud.
Dan: Hey! Hey! Way to be forgotten.
Rufus: But that’s how you get remembered.
Jenny: One of the girls in my art class saw my calligraphy and she said that if I addressed all the invitations that I could have one.
Rufus: Sounds very fair. Sweat shops could learn a thing or two.
Jenny: Dad this is not platform for one of your anti-Capitalist rants.
Rufus: Yes it is.
Jenny: Besides, you make us go to private schools.
Rufus: That’s for your education.
Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties.
Dan: Works for me.
Serena: So. When’s the party?
Blair: Saturday. And you’re kinda not invited. Since until twelve hours ago everyone thought you were at boarding school. And now we’re full. Jenny used up all the invites.
Jenny: Um. Actually…
Blair: You can go now. {Jenny leaves} Sorry.
Serena: No, that’s okay. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do anyway.
Blair: Well we should get going then. Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you’ve got a lot of yogurt left.
Dan: Jenny. What is it? What’s wrong?
Jenny: Do you like this on me?
Dan: Wait a second. Is that why you needed me? I thought this was an emergency.
Jenny: A fashion emergency. I mean, come on, I’ve never been to a big dance before.
Dan: Neither have I.
Serena: Jenny, right?
Jenny: Yeah hi.
Serena: This is my—
Eric: Stylist. And personal shopper, Eric.
Dan: Hey.
Jenny: Ah, The Invisible Man returns. You know, I really had no idea you could move that fast.
Dan: Yeah, well you’re fashion emergency was solved so I figured my work was done.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you’ve never forgotten it.
Dan: How could I? She was the only person that spoke to me.
The Wild Brunch
Jenny: So the real question is, though, how are you?
Dan: Me? Why wouldn’t I be okay?
Jenny: You know, at the end of the night with Serena and the *waves awkwardly*.
Dan: Was it really that bad?
Dan: I think I have brain damage.
Jenny: You know, Dan, if you had brain damage you wouldn’t even know you had brain damage.
Dan: She probably thinks I hate her now. I’ve waited my entire adolescent life for a date with this girl. You know? Serena van der Woodsen. And I decide to close the evening with a wave.
Jenny: It was a nice wave.
Dan: At the end of a date? C’mon. There’s no such thing. You only get one shot with a girl like Serena. I got mine and I blew it.
Jenny: Which means you have nothing to lose.
Dan: Nothing except my last shred of dignity.
Jenny: Oh no. I think that’s gone.
Jenny: Is he saying things? Is anyone?
Blair: Hm… no. Not yet anyway. Chuck likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims.
Jenny: Her mom designed it.
Rufus: And her mom is very talented, but the dress you made for yourself is much nicer.
Jenny: Which is why you don’t wear dresses.
Rufus: One of a couple reasons.
Jenny: Hey, you think the Farmer’s Market is still open?
Rufus: Yeah, why? You wanna go?
Jenny: Yeah.
Rufus: I thought you were getting too old to go places with your dad.
Jenny: Well you used to be cool. And the 90s are having a comeback.
Rufus: Yo have no idea how much that hurts.
Dan: Did you tell Blair Waldorf about Cedric?
Jenny: I— It may have come up.
Dan: You can’t trust those people, Jen. Don’t tell them anything.
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Poison Ivy
Rufus: Ah, it’s not that bad.
Dan: Looks like I shaved with a wood chipper.
Jenny: I was going with more of a chainsaw.
Dan: Not helping.
Jenny: Not trying to.
Rufus: Hey, look on the bright side: you’re not a hemophiliac. Otherwise you’d be in the emergency room.
Rufus: I’m the head of the entertainment committee.
Dan: Another committee
that didn’t exist until you left the house today.
Jenny: Way to go, Dad. Who’s the entertainment?
Rufus: Since it was such short notice the only person I could get was… myself.
Dan: Kind of a staid affair for early 90s post-punk math rock, don’t you think?
Rufus: I’m bringing a couple of the guys. It’ll be Rufus Unplugged.
Jenny: Need a roadie?
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Bad News Blair
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Dare Devil
Jenny: You don’t leave much room for surprise.
Serena: Well I don’t know how to dress for surprise. Not everything goes with it, you know.
Blair: Little Jenny Humphrey. Why didn’t I think of you before? You have no plans. You’re coming to the soirée.
Jenny: Me? Really?
Kati and Iz: Her? Really?
Blair: As my mother always says, “Fashion knows not of comfort. All that matters is the face you show the world.” And your face looks like it’s going to Bat Mitzvah. But before we continue the renovation grabs a martini glass Martini?
Jenny: Oh, no thanks. I don’t like vodka.
Blair: Well, that’s nice. Because this is gin.
Jenny: Surprise.
Eric: Jenny, hey. What are you doing here?
Jenny: Your SOS was heard and answered. C’mon, we’re breaking you out.
Eric: How are you— wait. What do you mean, “we”?
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The Handmaiden’s Tale
Jenny about Dan: I think he’d go anywhere with you. Except for maybe the ice capades ’cause that really freaked him out when he was five.
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Victor/Victrola
Jenny: Dad, have you seen a bracelet? You know, round, silverish, sparkly?
Rufus: Yeah, I think I saw that next to that ambiguous vague thing by the nondescript place.
Nate to Jenny: Oh, Serena, right?
Jenny: That’s funny.
Nate: Hm. Not really, no.
Blair to Jenny: Why are you not happy for me?
Jenny: Yesterday wasn’t the first time I talked to Nate. At the ball he told me he wasn’t over Serena.
Blair: Why would he tell you that?
Jenny: Because I was wearing her mask. And he thought I was her. And he kissed me.
Blair: That’s enough.
Jenny: Blair, I didn’t want you to find out.
Blair: You’re dismissed, Jenny. For good.
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Seventeen Candles
Dan: Does anyone else think this is extremely weird? I mean given everything.
Jenny: Dan, just forget about it. If Dad can let it go so can you.
Rufus: What do you mean, “let it go”?
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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!
Jenny: We on this side of the kitchen choose to be positive.
Rufus: Yeah Dan. What’s it gonna be? Are you with us or against us?
Dan: Fine. Fine. But I only if I can take the cranberry sauce out of the can. That is my specialty.
Dan: You were talking about your ranch.
Jenny: Did you have any horses?
Lily: Yes, I had a few. Um, I had my own. Rosewood.
Jenny: My dad has a song called Rosewood.
Rufus: Oh, but no, not that Rosewood.
Dan: I completely forgot about that song!
Jenny: Yeah, it’s about my mom, you know. ‘Cause she had this perfume that she always wore. It was rose and —
Dan: Sandalwood.
Jenny: Sandalwood. It was like her own personal scent.
Allison: I’m a fool.
Rufus: You’re not a fool.
Dan: Raise your hand if you’re over 30 and acting really weird right now.
Dan: There’s no chance we’re related, right?
Jenny: Oh, look at Eric’s roots.
Eric: What do you mean? What’s wrong with my roots?
Jenny: They’re kind of Rufus-like, doncha think?
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Hi, Society
Jenny: I don’t know why you don’t get this, okay? A debutante ball is all a girl could ask for. It’s gorgeous and formal and totally legendary.
Dan: Don’t forget out of touch and totally classist.
Jenny: And if that’s how you feel then why are you going?
Dan: I’m not going. And neither is Serena, actually. I’m just going to meet her grandmother, make a good impression, and, uh, take off before I put my foot in my mouth like I usually do.
Rufus: I sense a favor about to be asked.
Jenny: Well, turns out I got a volunteer position at a charity.
Rufus: That’s great! When is it?
Jenny: Sunday night. And I know it’s mom’s opening and I know it’s really important but I can do both.
Rufus: As a family we support each other. And when one of us has something important we all show up for it. Maybe you can volunteer next year.
Allison: Volunteer for what?
Jenny: Nothing. Doesn’t matter ’cause dad said I can’t go.
Lily: You know what, it is so nice of you to let Jenny come to our little event. You know cotillions really are instructive. They teach young girls good social graces—
Allison: Well then I’m sure she’ll learn a lot. I’m gonna go.
Jenny: I’ll come with you.
Allison: No need. I’ll see you later.
Allison: Look, I know that my coming back has been rocky. But I can’t keep being afraid that if I act more like your mother and less like your friend that I’m gonna lose you.
Jenny: If you were still in Hudson I’d be able to go.
Allison: Well I am not there. I am here. And I don’t really care if that makes you happy or unhappy. I’m still your mother. You can come to my show tomorrow and then you are grounded for a week.
Serena: You know, your brother. Dan. The guy who thinks dancing is making fists and pumping them into the air.
Jenny: Dan’s going to the ball?
Allison to Jenny: Rather than apologizing to me, you need to look at yourself and ask if you like the person you’re becoming.
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Roman Holiday
Rufus: My son, the writer.
Allison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and your story in The New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: That’s true. I may have peaked.
Dan: This one is from the Smiths. “Seasons Greetings”. That’s very original.
Jenny: Their name is Smith. They don’t have to be original.
Dan: This one is from Alex. “Allison, meet me on the 24th.”
Allison: No, Dan—
Dan: And… that’s not a Christmas card.
Jenny: You know, when I suggested this plan I didn’t know it would entail a robbery.
Dan: Hey hey. I left a donation. So it was more of a rescue than a robbery. You know, those abandoned trees in that lot were just going to be kindling after Christmas. And this tree we have is going to be loved and admired.
Jenny: You have a real talent for spin, my brother.
Dan: I wish I had more of a talent for heavy lifting.
Jenny: I thought that if I got them under the same roof that things would go back to the way they were. They haven’t, have they?
Dan: I think there’s a real possibility that they might split up.
Jenny: Okay, what now?
Dan: Now you go in there, you distract Dexter the humorless concierge, while I try and sneak this in an elevator.
Dan: Oh, Mrs. van der Woodsen, er, Lily. Hi.
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi.
Lily: Tree.
Dan: Yeah, um, they don’t allow Christmas trees inside. Which is why we’re out here.
Jenny: Which is why Dan’s about to ask you for a favor.
Lily: Ah, does it involve distracting Dexter and sneaking into the elevator?
Dan: Why? Would that work?
Lily: No. Never. He has the eyes of a hawk and he takes his job very seriously.
Dan: So I’ve noticed.
Lily: But Bobby at the service entrance. I think he could be bought. Come.
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School Lies
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The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Blair: Jenny. It is highly unlikely that I will ever forgive you for going to Nate. But if you walk away from me now I will also ruin you.
Jenny: How are you gonna do that?
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The Blair Bitch Project
Nate: So I may have told Blair you told me the truth about her and Chuck. And I’m sure she didn’t react well to that. But you don’t know what you’re dealing with here.
Jenny: Oh, I’m not scared of Blair, Nate.
Nate: I’m not talking about Blair, I’m talking about your new circle. I mean they’ve been friends with Blair forever and look what they’re doing to her. When you fall out of line what do you think’s gonna happen to you?
Jenny: Well, then I won’t fall out of line.
Nate: I’m not saying you’re gonna—It’s just, you’re not like those girls, Jenny.
Jenny: It’s weird, Nate. Since they’re my friends you’d think we’d have some stuff in common.
Nate: Okay. Well I will give you this. You’ve got good aim.
Hazel: Oh my god. That’s my mother’s dress.
Jenny: No, you guys. I got this at Resurrection. Remember I was telling you about the really great dress I bought?
Penelope: Her mother’s one-of-a-kind Valentino that just happened to disappear from her closet.
Jenny: She must have given it away and forgot or something.
Rufus: Are you calling my daughter a thief?
Blair: Excuse me. This feels private. So I’m gonna head out now. I have a table at Butter. Reservations under Waldorf in case there’s an after-party.
Rufus: Blair said they told you the original party had fallen through so that they could surprise you with a better one.
Jenny: Blair’s a liar. You got played.
Rufus: She also said you were afraid the girls wouldn’t accept everything about you. She knew you were wrong. She wanted you to feel like you had nothing to be ashamed of. Is that a lie too?
Rufus: Where did you get the dress? And I know you didn’t make it because your sewing machine is gone.
Jenny: You have no idea how hard it is, Dad. I sold my sewing machine, okay?
Rufus: What?
Jenny: Yeah. And a lamp and some jewelry.
Rufus: Why?
Jenny: Because I had to. Dad, you think that you could just send me off to school with a plaid skirt and a Metro Card and that everything would be okay.
Rufus: I am not apologizing for not having a private plane for you, Jenny.
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Desperately Seeking Serena
Jenny: Bye.
Rufus: Wait.
Jenny: Dad, I’m gonna be late.
Rufus: I’m going with you.
Jenny: What? You’re walking me to school?
Rufus: I need the exercise.
Jenny: I made one mistake. That doesn’t mean I need a human ankle monitor.
Rufus: You used to beg me to walk you to school. You’d cry if I didn’t walk you to class.
Jenny: That wasn’t me. That was Dan.
Dan: It’s true. But I was six. It was an emotional time for me. It was post-tee ball.
Jenny: I’ve been thinking, what’s the one thing that no one in our group has, not even Blair?
Mini-minion: Compassion?
Mini-minion: What are you doing? He’s gorgeous.
Jenny: He’s a dog walker. I need a king, not a jester.
Dan: Alright. “Capacious.” Looks like “spacious.” What does it mean? Roomy. Ah, yeah… “captious.” Look like… well it looks like “capacious”. I can’t concentrate.
Jenny: The sound of your own voice distracting you?
Jenny: I met this really nice guy and I’m supposed to meet him in the Park for lunch tomorrow.
Rufus: Well grounded or not grounded, you’re not old enough to date.
Jenny: It’s not a date. He’s just a friend.
Rufus: Who is this guy?
Jenny: You don’t know him. He goes to Unity.
Rufus: Upper East Side Unity?
Dan: Technically it’s Upper West Side, Dad.
Jenny: How are you helping?
Rufus: I thought you wanted to take a break from that whole crowd.
Jenny: What whole crowd?
Rufus: The one that made you feel like compromising your character was a prerequisite for hanging out with them.
Jenny: So it’s okay for Dan to date someone rich then?
Dan: Well it’s not without it’s complications, believe me.
Rufus: I thought you said it wasn’t a date. {Jenny storms off and slams her door.} It was nice there for a minute.
Dan: Yeah, it was.
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All About My Brother
Blair: A nice shiny dime to add to your collection.
Jenny: Why the fruit cup, B? Lost your taste for yogurt?
Jenny: Low blow.
Blair: Wasn’t me. Wish it was.
Asher: What are you doing?
Jenny “the Beard” Humphrey: What’s wrong?
Asher: Nothing’s wrong. This… just isn’t what we do. Are you suddenly not happy? I— I’m holding up my end of the bargain.
Jenny: What bargain?
Asher: You’re Jenny Humphrey. From Brooklyn. You need status, access, resources. I give that to you.
Jenny: What do I give you?
Asher: Do we really need to talk about this?
Jenny: Yeah. Yeah, we do. So what was on Gossip Girl’s true.
Asher: Do you really think someone like me would just date someone like you?
Jenny: You’ve been so nice.
Asher: And I’ll keep being nice. Nothing has to change, okay?
Dan: Jenny, is this true?
Jenny: It’s private.
Dan: It’s on the internet.
Jenny: You think you’re so different and so good. Well guess what, Dan. The minute you start sending tips to Gossip Girl you’re in the game with the rest of us.
Eric: Gossip Girl was right. Asher was kissing someone this morning. Me.
Asher: He’s totally lying. Tell him Jenny. I was with you all morning.
Jenny: Yeah, Asher’s right. I was with him. Eric’s lying.
Eric: Why would I stand here in front of everyone we know and tell them if it wasn’t true? I’m gay. And so are you.
Blair: My my. If it isn’t Little J, risen from the ashes.
Jenny: I came to tell you in person: you win.
Blair: Sweetie, we just started to play.
Jenny: Dad, do you think it would be okay if I joined you?
Rufus: You know there’s always room for you here.
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Woman on the Verge
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Much “I Do” About Nothing