The Falcon and the D’Ohman
Tom Colicchio: For your prize, you have won a new kitchen. Which I will now become. {he transforms} Ow! Ow! I miss my Soulpatch.
Homer: Wayne, maybe it’s the me being still alive talking, but I think you’re awesome.
Homer: Your voice is so gravelly. Just like Lauren Bacall.
Wayne Slater (Kiefer Sutherland): I’m sorry. I have so many nightmares I’ve done unspeakable things. From Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
Marge: Well what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frit-o-Lay Distribution Center?
Wayne: I needed somewhere to lie low. Your town appears on no maps or charts.
Homer: Yeah, they couldn’t find a Google Map photo without me naked or urinating.
Marge: And when there was a mapmaker’s convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
Homer: Not the one you’re thinking of. There was another one.
Bart: Remember every thing they say and tell us later in rattle code. {she shakes her rattle} What do you mean no?!
Homer: Death to America!
Ukrainian Gangster: Stick to script.
Homer: Fine. “I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area.” Turn the card.
Ukrainian Gangster: Hold up today’s newspaper.
Homer: What will you use when there aren’t newspapers anymore?
Ukrainian Gangster: Perhaps we’ll be living in a world where there’ll be no need for kidnappings.
Homer: Oh. Well way to make me feel obsolete.
Wayne walks past Tsarbuck’s, Insame in the Ukraine and Cossacks Fifth Avenue
Wayne: I’d take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn’t have a job to do.
Homer: So much violence on the surface world.
Walter: Yes Maggie, we will have a use for you soon. Stay close to your Busybox.
Being Short is No Hinderance to Greatness:
Kim Jong Il: Why someday I am going to be Dear Leader.
Man: Ha ha ha! You! You are too benevolent to be Dear Leader.
Kim Jong Il: Let’s see what they think!
K is for Korea (just the north part)
I is for the internet he bans
M is for the millions that are missing
J is for our human-tasting jam
O is for Oh, boy we love our leader
N is for the best Korea: North
G is for Gee whiz, we love our leader
What our fans have joined together, let no writer rip asunder
Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts
It’s not too early to speculate about the 2016 election
School Fundraiser
This Year’s Theme: Drowning in Debt
Homer: They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we don’t need for kids we didn’t want.
Chalmers: I know I can superintend. I can superintend like the wind! But teach? It’s been years. And we both know how that went, don’t we Gary?
Young Chalmers: So. You are the so-called Breakfast Club.
Andrew: Wrong room. We’re the fight club.
Chalmers: Thank god they never went on to do anything since.
Chalmers: Now I’m sure you know who these guys are.
Bart: Dollar bill guy. Five dollar bill guy. Sex guy. Will Farrell. Black guy.
Chalmers: Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy?
Bart: I’d act like I’m interested. But inside I’d be bored.
Chalmers: That’s as good a place to start as any.
Bart: You’ve filled my head with horse poop and atheism! And all these years I thought I was unteachable.
Chalmers: Let’s stop talking now.
Lisa: I went through my TR phase in first grade. Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.
Bart: Balderdash. Teddy Roosevelt protected America’s wildlife.
Lisa: Yeah. So he could shoot it himself! Franklin Roosevelt lead his country through the Depression and World War II. Face on a dime!
Bart: Face on a mountain!
Grampa: I hated the Roosevelts and all them family dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, John Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daly and his smart-ass son, The Daily Show.
Lisa: That’s a lot of anger, Grampa.
Grampa: Well I like Stephen Colbert. But that’s because I don’t get the joke.
Milhouse: I love Teddy Roosevelt, ’cause he had asthma as a kid.
Jimbo: I love him, ’cause he said “bully.”
Dolph: The dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs.
Chalmers: Boys need to explore, build things, wreck things and then build them again.
Nelson: Gravity blows!
FOX News Chopper ominously appearing: Watch Hannity today at 8!
Bart: Sir, of all the books and movies about Teddy Roosevelt, which would you say is the most informative?
Chalmers: No question. Night at the Museum.
Bart: One or two?
Chalmers: Take your pick, you can’t go wrong.
Treehouse of Horror XXII
Marge: I take your sugary sweets and I give you healthy items. Plain brown toothbrushes, unflavored dental floss, and fun-sized mouthwashes. TSA-approved.
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.
Marge: No sneaking off and eating that candy yourself!
Homer: Marge, you know I’d never do that. I’m too scared of the evil Switch Witch!
Marge: The Switch Witch is me.
Homer: You know, on some level I’ve always known.
Homer: Hello, 911? I need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk.
911: Copy that, sir. Be there in twenty minutes.
Homer: What?! I can’t wait that long for candy! The only sane thing to do is chew off my arm.
Homer: Okay, I’m on the floor. I can’t move. So far a normal Sunday morning.
Homer: Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when our squalor works to our advantage.
Homer: “I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say.” […] For further information I will require more beans.”
Ned: Springfield. My home town. Pretty little place. Although even the Garden of Eden can use a nice cleansing rain now and then. […] All these years I thought murder was a sin, then I got new instructions from the good Lord himself in His favorite language: English.
Homer: Okay, stupid Flanders. First I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor that gave Homer Simpson a cone that had a little air in it.
Ned: Really?
Homer: Come on, God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament!
Bart: Hey Dad!
Homer: Hey Bart. I mean Jesus.
Ned: I’m going down and my hand basket seats two!
Marge: But you’re God. Couldn’t you make everything the way it was?
God: Well I could, but the big man downstairs wouldn’t like it.
Devil: Get me a coffee!
God: Yes sir.
Ned: Could this get any worse?
Maude: Honey, come back to bed.
Ned: Oh for crying out loud.
Kamala: And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
Bart: Don’t you mean tentacles?
Kamala: I know what I said.
Bart: Traitor! How dare you betray the planet I got laid on.
Lisa: Halloween is over. Which means, America, it’s time to start your Christmas shopping. Infuse our stagnate economy with dollars we don’t really have.
Bart: And whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
Marge: Knitting one sweater for someone costs twenty-seven Americans their jobs.
Moe: And don’t forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up Alcoholism. Come on, you see your family all year ’round. The holidays are for your bartender.
Grampa: When are we doing the Black Swan?
Replaceable You
It’s November 6th — How come we’re not airing a Halloween Show?
Lisa: Isn’t that awfully similar to the cootie patch you did last year?
Bart: That was preventitive. This is morning after.
Martin: Ah, to be a mathlete without the “m.”
Old Man: Hey Skippy, we need some more of them lovable critters for our friends at the home.
Grampa Simpson: Unless you got any heroin.
Old Man: You got any heroin?
Homer: You’re mean!
Roz Davis (Jane Lynch): And I want a list of a hundred ways to make your job worse by close of business today.
Homer: Can one of the hundred be making the list?
Roz Davis: No.
Homer: Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?
Roz Davis: Also no.
Homer: Oh!
Professor Frink: I hereby call to order this meeting of the North American Man Bot Love Asociation.
Nerd: I’ll say this one more time: we really should change that name.
The Food Wife
Homer: This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet!
Lisa and Bart: Video game convention!
Homer: Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you’re special.
Marge: Why do old squirrels always crawl into my engine to die?
Lisa: They’re using pancakes as spoons.
Bart: Cool! Let’s see what else they do wrong.
Foodie: We discovered Korean barbecue in this town.
Lisa: Uh. Before the Koreans?
Foodie 2: Oh sure, they cook it but they don’t get it.
Homer: Marge! The kids are acting ethnic!
Lisa: People are loving our list of Springfield’s top ninety-nine Afghan restaurants.
Bart: I feel bad for all those places that didn’t make the cut.
Anthony Bourdain: I’m food bad boy Tony Bourdain. There’s nowhere I won’t go and nothing I won’t eat. As long as I’m paid in emeralds and my hotel room has a bidet that shoots warm champagne.
Mario Batali: Everything’s more fun with Homer.
Gordon Ramsay: Now get out of my dream.
Marge: It’s my dream.
Gordon Ramsay: Not anymore it’s not.
Homer: Actually I’ve come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.
The Book Job
Announcer: So remember: take good care of the Earth. Or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs.
Marge: Oo, kids, did you hear that lesson?
Bart: How is that a lesson? The point of the dinosaurs is, no matter what we do, an asteroid’s gonna wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place.
Homer: Yeah. Why should the asteroid have all the fun?
Lisa: Dad! Follow that dinosaur!
Homer: I’ve waited my whole life to hear that.
T.R. Francis: I hate to break it to you, but all the books you kids love are conceived in executive board rooms. The plots are based on market research. And the pages are churned out by a room full of pill-popping lit majors desperate for work.
Bart: Whatever the job is, I’m not interested.
Homer: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer: We’re taking down kids who read.
Bart: Chapter book crowd. That’s a juicy peach. But what’s the cream?
Homer: I’m putting together a tween lit gang write.
Bart: Tween lit gang write?
Homer: Tween lit gang write. But this Babar needs a Zephir.
Bart: A Zephir?
Homer: You’re the Zephir.
Bart: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer: It won’t be like Kansas City.
Lisa: This is how real writers do it. I’ll just bang out two thousand words and then I’ll stop. Even if I’m on fire. I gotta pace myself.
Bart: Okay, Gaiman. You’re in. Your job is to get lunch. And lose the British accent.
Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I’m all over that, pal.
Neil Gaiman: I’m so proud of us.
Bart: Oh, you didn’t write any of it.
Neil Gaiman: That tuna didn’t salad itself.
Homer: Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool?
Exec (Andy Garcia): No.
Homer: Oh, that is so untrolly!
Exec: Hey, if you don’t want your words changed write a screenplay. We own your book.
Exec: Good evening, gentlemen.
Bart: Kansas City.
Homer: Kansas City.
Homer: You switched the drives?
Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.
Lisa: And the best part is, my face is still on the backflap. {she checks} Gaiman!
The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants
Krusty: My comedy comes from taking risks! Or avoiding them. I can’t remember.
Krusty: Why can’t I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn’t put dangerous things near his crotch. Except when he’s off work.
Smithers: As safety inspector he hasn’t exactly set the world on fire. Although he came close several times.
Robert Marlowe (John Slattery): Before you say yes, Simpson, I feel it’s my duty to warn you. Account men lose their soul.
Homer: Woo hoo! No more church!
Marlowe: There ain’t enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.
Homer: Yeah. The governor wrote me a letter to that effect.
Bart: I’ll get one of those jobs where you don’t need to read. Like French fry maker or general.
Lisa: Well you’re getting my help.
Bart: Forget it.
Lisa: Don’t you want to be able to read the things people carve into your chest in prison?
Bart: I guess.
The Ten-Per-cent Solution
“Caucus” is not a dirty word
Marge: No more TV. We’re going to get some fresh air and visit the museum. Of television.
Lisa: Why can’t we visit a real museum? One that doesn’t have the skeletons of the Three Stooges in the lobby.
Annie Dubinsky (Joan Rivers): If you ever hear a star’s name and wonder, “Is he dead?” The answer is either I represent him, or yes.
Annie Dubinsky: Would you play a bloated corpse on CSI?
Homer: Would I!
Annie Dubinsky: Wow, that’s good bloat work.
Bart: He always comes back really religious.
Network Guy: Today’s kids are uncomfortable with a clown whose every reference they have to look up on Wikipedia.
Krusty: Wikipedia, Twitter. Who names these things, Percy Dovetonsils?
Krusty: They took my dressing room, my parking space…. Even my writers, so I don’t have a funny third item!
Marge: So what was everyone’s favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart: I liked the early closing time.
Krusty: Go away! No kid should see his hero sunk so low.
Lisa: Well you’re not exactly my hero. I see you more as a cautionary tale.
Marge: This is the part where I get the kids out of the room.
Annie Dubinsky: Oh grow up! Today’s kids are less sensitive than an army condom. They see more on TV than my mother did on her wedding night. And they don’t complain about it for the next fifty years.
HBOWTIME Exec: Our brand is classy and upscale.
HBOWTIME Exec 2: And we pay for everything with soft porno and boxing.
Krusty:
Wait a minute. There’s soft porno?
HBOWTIME Exec: The critics are in our pocket.
Krusty: Even the Boston Phoenix?
HBOWTIME Exec 2: If not we’ll burn it to the ground.
Holidays of Future Passed
Cafeteria trays are not toboggans.
Bart: Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is.
Marge: You’ll understand one day when you have kids of your own.
Lisa: Um. Who says we’re gonna have kids of our own?
Bart: Not me, man. This cycle of jerks has to end.
Milhouse: Why don’t you take Zia to your parent’s for Christmas while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas-celebrating states.
Lisa: You could go back to Michigan. It’s still under Sharia Law.
Milhouse: Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.
Lisa: Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
Marge: Not since they passed Homer’s Law.
Lisa: My daughter thinks I’m a ruthless tyrant. Like Hitler or Prince Harry.
Bart: Maybe it’s the court-mandated sincerity chip I got in my brain, but Lis, you’re the person I always wanted to be.
Lisa: Google, even though you’ve enslaved half the world, you’re still a damn fine search engine.
Bart: Wow. This place hasn’t changed a bit.
Moe: Yeah, I keep meaning to switch things around, but this place is always a crime scene.
Grampa Simpson: If there’s one day a year to give unwed mothers a break, it’s Christmas.
Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson
Tintin did not sucksuck
Springfield Airport: Built for the Olympics We Never Got
Homer: I just don’t understand the world of grownups.
Marge: Now I have to change the nipple.
TSA Agent: True patriots breastfeed.
Flight Attendant: Sir, return to your seat.
Homer: But I have to go to the bathroom!
Flight Attendant: You should have thought about that before you drank the fluid you need to live.
Network Exec: You are the kind of ill-informed gas bag this network cannot get enough of. We only have eleven now. Not to mention our liberal straw man.
Homer: I’m talking about the gravy of freedom. When March Madness spills into April, that’s the gravy. When someone messes with you and you invade the country that did it—plus another one—that’s the gravy. When you stick your flag in the moon and say,“ Now we’re done trying,” that’s the gravy! So get on the boat! The gravy boat! Goodnight. And good gravy.
Homer: Now Lisa. I’m an entertainer. You can’t entertain and inform at the same time. And if you’re Access Hollywood you do neither.
We win in 2012 or your money back
The D’oh-cial Network
We do need no education
Lisa: Like all too many stories about my family, it began with somebody watching television.
Lisa: I kinda want to create my own thing. Do you sell any just plain sets?
Blocko: No. We do all the imagining for you.
Lisa: Well I’ll just buy one of these and build something different.
Blocko: You do, and you’d better build yourself a lawyer.
Homer about the Mapple store: I don’t trust this place. Where are the cashiers?
Lawyer: So to summarize, your honor, Lisa Simpson created this “social network” because she had no friends.
Lisa: No, that is not true! I—
Lawyer: May I remind you, you’re under oath.
Lisa: Alright, already! I had no friends.
Lisa: Wow. I’ve created something incredibly popular.
Homer: And I’ve created something that created something incredibly popular.
Grampa: And I’ve created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer: You never showed it to me!
Grampa: A stupid alcoholic hippo.
Homer: I still want to see it!
Grampa: There is no hippo!
Homer: Then why did you say it?
Grampa: ‘Cause you’re the hippo!
Homer: Are you just saying that ’cause you don’t want me to see the hippo?
Grampa: I don’t have a hippo!
Lenny: Somebody call 911!
Carl: I don’t know how to use the phone on my phone.
Moe Goes from Rags to Riches
There’s no proven link between raisins and boogers
Homer: …and that’s why I really don’t believe there’s a god. Thank you and God bless America.
Mayor Quimby: You were only supposed to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance!
Homer: I’m pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
Bart: What gives? He’s not crawling back.
Lisa: Even a kid who wears a Finding Nemo back brace has some pride.
Papa: Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders! Stupid Flanders.
Rag (Jeremy Irons): I was moved to a magnificent cathedral and learned that tapestries were the rock stars of the Middle Ages. I had legions of what you now call groupies. It felt like the good times known as the Dark Ages would never end.
Homer the Viking: Go Vikings.
Bart: From now on I’ll dominate you in ways you don’t realize.
Milhouse: That’s all I ever wanted.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, there’s some Pringles in here! Nope. Tear gas.
Lisa: Your bar is the closest thing this town has to an Algonquin Roundtable.
The Daughter Also Rises
I will not replace a candy heart with a frog’s heart
Marge: It’s okay, Homey. Go, have a good time. Take Bart with you.
Homer: Oh! Which one do you want?
Homer: You have the most wonderful mom in the world, which is why I have no idea where she is or what she’s doing.
Lisa: This place is great! If I cover my peripheral vision, I feel like I’m in France.
All prose must be spare and true
Lisa: Mom, I have a crush.
Marge: Is it on your father? Little girls always get crushes on their fathers.
Lisa: Somehow I missed that phase.
Marge: Lisa, after this I don’t want you to spend so much time with this boy. If you do, it’ll mean you’re a separate person from me. {thinkinh: That’ll stop her from seeing him}
Grampa: There’s a lot of fish in the sea, but she picked out a drunken walrus.
Bart: You into cigars now?
Nelson: It’s a Twix.
Nick (Michael Cera): I don’t know, this water’s a little choppy.
Lisa: I thought you rode up the Zambizi without a guide.
Nick: Right. Right.
Nick: This isn’t working out. Lisa, I’m sorry that God gave me this gift of lying to girls… for a little while.
At Long Last Leave
Bart’s earned a day off
Lisa: I know it’s futile, but I must again point out: there is no dragon.
Homer: Then why am I paying eight hundred dollars a year in dragon insurance?
Lisa: Again, I maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance.
Homer: Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Geez, pick up a book.
Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers!
Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.
Marge: Why would an entire town go to all this fuss to get rid of one family? What have we done that’s so terrible?
Mayor Quimby: I’m glad you asked! The simple fact is the city is going broke cleaning up after Homer’s drunken shenanigans.
Homer: We won!
Marge: Homer, that is not banishment hearing behavior.
Mayor Quimby: Bart’s pranks, which dwindle in humor as they rise in destruction. And Lisa’s environmental initiatives.
Homer: Hey baby, banned forever doesn’t mean you can’t go back sometime.
Bart: Yes it does.
Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart
Lisa: Dad, I wanted to give you a heads up. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. It’s time to start your mad dash around town to find her a present that’s not completely insulting.
Homer: You know sweetie, there was a time when I would have killed for that information. But I’m pleased to announce that I’ve already bought your mother a present. And brace yourself: I put some thought into it.
Visiting Swapper Joe’s
Homer: Man, oh man. Look at this place. Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise: island something.
Bart: It’s like going to Hawaii without the murderous locals.
Apu: Convenience forever! Freshness never!
Homer: Get in that cage right now!
Bart: No way, man. I’m a free range kid.
Homer: Don’t just stare back at me. Come up with a theory!
Bart: Man, you’re the talkiest bullies I ever met.
Milhouse: Bart, say yes! At the opening I can wear a sportsjacket with a tee shirt and jeans.
Bart: First, I’m not sure you have the shoulders for it.
I, Carumba: The Nightmare World of El Barto
Carl: I like what used to make a neighborhood look dangerous, now makes it look sophisticated.
Lenny: I like how the painting makes more than I do.
Shepard Fairey: I’m not in the business of helping out poseurs anymore. Now I just sell stuff to them.
How I Wet Your Mother
Homer: Attention lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford!
Bart: I can’t believe you got all your friends in trouble and you got the day off.
Homer: Hey, it’s called karma.
Bart: Isn’t karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you?
Homer: Heh heh heh. A common misconception. {he catches a fish} Suck it, karma! Yeah! I’m talking to you, karma. Karma’s a bitch, karma!
Marge: Relax. Everyone knows that if you die in a dream you just wake up.
Professor Frink: Oh, ah, actually because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update if you die in the dream you die in real life. Incidentally, I’ve also proven that hell is real and everyone goes there. Frink out.
Apu: In this fantasy Qwik-E-Mart you get your change in bacon!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Moe: In this place, mothers are for drunk driving.
MADD: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Them, Robot
Too big to fail, we hope
Conductor: I told ’em to make these tracks D’oh proof.
Homer: A weekend without drinking is no big deal. I did it that time I was in an alcohol-induced coma.
Mr. Burns: This trapdoor app works like a charm.
Am I alive?
Ukulele Hero
Google Naps
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang
Angry Burns
Trap Door
Mr. Burns: Ladies and gentlemen, meet the future masters of the human race.
Homer: Augh! Comic-con nerds!
The Android Shop: Androids NOT welcome
Marge: It’s no fun to live in a town with a 99% unemployment rate.
Homer: I’m the designated hitter for all you guys.
D39 (Brent Spiner): The designated hitter corrupts the purity of an otherwise elegant game. Illogical. Illogical.
Flanders: Homer, I’m afraid this is the part of God’s perfect plan where you’re murdered by robots.
Mr. Burns: Stop brandishing me!
Homer: Sorry.
Beware My Cheating Bart
Now entering Oregon
The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours / Teacher does not have to pay an “ugly tax”
Jimbo: We’re going to a seminar. Extracting Lunch Money From a Cashless Society.
Dolph: We’re gonna rob the guy giving the seminar.
Jimbo: Simpson. I guess you don’t have much respect for me.
Bart: Well. Who wears a wool hat to a pool?
Shawna: I want to find out who I am. And that’s something only an inappropriately older man can tell me.
Bart: Well that is one lucky creepy guy.
A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again
Marge: I’m sorry, sweetie. Maybe we could afford a vacation if some big shot didn’t pick up the tab for his buddies at Mr. Steak.
Homer: Again with Mr. Steak! Do you know why I go to Mr. Steak? Because at Mr. Steak they don’t get mad at me for spending all our money at Mr. Steak!
Marge: Well of course they don’t!
Homer: Why don’t you talk to Mrs. Steak.
Marge: There is no Mrs. Steak! Who could stay married to such a man?!
Homer: Bart’s been Raptured! And his crap’s been Craptured!
Bart: Mom! Dad! I woke up and the money jar was full. That means the Devil accepted my bargain.
Bart: It was all a hoax. There’s no virus.
But the warning from the General—
Bart: That was just Treat Williams in a virus movie.
Treat Williams: You know I thought that General looked familiar. What? I’m in a lot of movies.
The Spy Who Learned Me
Marge: Homer, I’m a single mother trying to raise a family here.
Homer: But you’re not—
Marge: Just zip it.
Homer: You know, maybe I should call in sick. We could visit all our old romantic haunts that have closed and turned into temporary Halloween stores.
Nelson: I gotta go liberate some cash from your brother.
Lisa: Well if you must. See if you can find out where my dolls are.
Nelson: You might not like the answer.
Lisa: I just want closure.
Homer: Sounds like you’re turning into wife number two.
Stradivarius Cain: I can do that. So stick with Marge.
Kent Brockman: Childhood obesity. It’s not funny anymore. Breakfast cereals where the prize inside is diabetes. And soda cups the size of hot tubs have made every state Mississippi fat.
Marge: So how many more weeks do you have off?
Homer: Actually I was supposed to be back last week. We’ll just wait for the call from Human Resources.
Bart: This is the happy ending?
Lisa: Well he’s tough on nerds but easy on the eyes.
Bart: What’d you just say?
Lisa: Nothing.
Ned ‘N’ Edna’s Blend
Call your mother during the commercials
Professor Frink: I’m so moved I renounce science! With the facts and the peer reviews and the hypotheses tested by evidence…
Homer eating his crown of thorns: Oo! Licorice! Mmm… historically inaccurate.
Todd: Dice are Satan’s bones!
Marge: No weird hookups!
Sea Captain: I’m married to the sea, and I’m seeing two of the Great Lakes on the side. I won’t say which ones, but it’s Erie how Superior they are.
Edna: Ned, these boys trust me to be their mother. You’d better decide whether you do.
Moe: And that’s that. Another story in the classic, infalliable three act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for the Simpsons.
Lisa: Mr. Szyslak, I have a feeling there’s going to be one more act to this story.
Moe: Well I’m not hanging around for that.