Episodes [nextpage title=”episode 1″] Every Man’s Dream Dr. Hibbert: First, you’re gonna need a spinal tap. Homer Simpson: Please be the band. Please be the band. Marge Simpson: Kids, a professional felt the best way for your father and me to work on our relationship was to give up on it. Mr. Burns: Simpson! Where are your shoes? Homer: Narcolepsy. […]
Clown in the Dumps Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately my dad doesn’t die Krusty: My only comfort is the roast is over and will only be shown four times a day for the rest of all time. Therapist Pickles: So, what brings you here? And don’t say, “Clown car.” Krusty: I’m a sad, tragic clown! Like whats-his-name. Liberace. Krusty: […]
Homerland 25 years and they can’t come up with a new punishment? Carl: Man I love conventions. Lenny: Yeah, they’re the perfect combination of work and binge drinking. Marge: Dear Christian God— Lisa: Hey! Marge: Sorry. Lisa: Bart, why is the dad I always wished for creeping me out? Bart: I don’t know. Because you’re […]
Moonshine River I will not wear white after Labor Day Homer: Nobody likes to be rejected and it never gets easier until you can drink. Because then you can express your unfiltered feelings by drunk dialing. Homer: Son, you can dial down the crazy. Your mother and I talked about it and we found a […]
The Falcon and the D’Ohman Tom Colicchio: For your prize, you have won a new kitchen. Which I will now become. {he transforms} Ow! Ow! I miss my Soulpatch. Homer: Wayne, maybe it’s the me being still alive talking, but I think you’re awesome. Homer: Your voice is so gravelly. Just like Lauren Bacall. Wayne […]
Elementary School Musical When I slept in class it was not to help Leo DiCaprio Homer: It’s 4am. You kids should have been in bed a half hour ago. Kent Brockman: And now to comment on joining the ranks of Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Desmond Tutu, here’s the man who always parks in my […]
Homer the Whopper The class hamster isn’t just sleeping Bart: Excuse me, I just heard that before Spider-man was a movie, it was a comic book. Is that possible? Movie Exec: Hey! Don’t blame us. Brett Ratner had final cut. Comic Book Guy: I’m well aware of who had what cut. Comic Book Guy: You! […]
Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes Homer: Now let’s think about this. If you shoot me I won’t be able to stop you and you’ll be free to go. BUT! Someone may come after you. Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you. What I’m trying to say is, not shooting me […]
He Loves to Fly and He D’ohs I will not wait twenty years to make another movie Mr. Burns: I guess this is the end. I just wish I’d spent more time at the office. Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she’ll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean “anything”. […]
The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer Lisa: Otto, Bart won’t give me a seat. Otto: You know I can deal with your problem or I can rock out. But I cannot do both! Otto: That’s not a song. Real songs are about deals with the devil and far off lands where you […]
Bonfire of the Manatees Does any kid still do this anymore? Homer: Alright. You can shoot your gay adult film at my house. Fat Tony: I didn’t say anything about gay. Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia. Elf: Welcome to Santa’s Village where it’s Christmas everyday. Closed on Christmas. Homer: Look, we’ve been […]
Treehouse of Horror XV Bart: Am I the only one here who’s in horrible pain? Homer: You’re the only one who won’t shut up about it! Flanders: Concussion diddly… hemorrhage doodly… injury bodily… Flanders: What the Family Circus! A second premonition came to fruition. Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom? […]
Treehouse of Horror XIV Grampa ignited by a flaming log: I’m still cold. Marge: Would everyone please stop fighting and burning. Kang: Pathetic humans! They’re showing a Halloween episode. In November! Kodos: Who’s still thinking about Halloween? We’ve already got our Christmas decorations up. Bart: Please don’t take me! Take Milhouse. We all know there’s […]
Treehouse of Horror XIII Homer: Now, before I abandon you in this cornfield, does anyone remember the way home? Homer clone: I do. Homer shoots the clone. Homer: Anybody else? Another clone raises his hand. Homer shoots him. Homer: Anybody else? Come on. Another clone raises his hand and gets shot. Homer: Okay, everyone out. […]
Treehouse of Horror XII Gypsy: You’ve ruined me! Oh why didn’t I see this coming! Homer: Leprechauns? Don’t they live in Ireland? Moe: Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets. They try the Dennis Miller Ultrahouse 3000 Voice: Lisa: Isn’t the the voice that caused all those suicides? […]
Treehouse of Horror XI Homer: Who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix. Marge: I don’t like you ogling her! Why don’t you read Cathy? She’s hilarious. Homer: Eh. Too much baggage. Homer: Snakes. Nature’s quitter. Homer: That horoscope was baloney. Nothing happened except for the pickaxe in my head, the rattlesnake […]
Beyond Blunderdome Fridays are not “pants optional” Saleswoman: Thinking of saying goodbye to gas? Bart: You betcha! {he burps} Marge: Bart! {she passes gas} Well that shut me up. Mel Gibson: Don’t forget to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business. Mel Gibson: Maybe […]
Lard of the Dance Homer: Marge, if you don’t mind I’m a little busy now achieving financial independence. Marge: Through cans of grease? Homer: No. Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease! Lisa: These are for pierced ears. Sherri: Yeah, aren’t they great? Terri: Alex did ours. Alex Whitney (Lisa Kudrow): Yeah, all […]
The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson Moe: Listen up guys. The Springfield police have told me that 91 percent of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys. {they congratulate themselves} Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. We’ll choose the same way […]
Treehouse of Horror VII Marge: You went into the attic? I’m very disappointed and terrified. Dr. Hibbert: You don’t forget a thing like Siamese twins! Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called “conjoined twins.” Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer “sons of the soil.” But it ain’t gonna happen. Lisa: My god, I’ve created life! […]
Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) I will not complain about the solution when I hear it Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important. Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr. Burns. Even us. Bart, he broke your dog’s […]